My mom has good days and bad days as far as her memory goes. She has difficulty walking and currently uses a walker. I got married this past Dec. My husband and I have been living with her. My husband is worried about her falling and getting depressed, thus causing mental and physical decline. He's not sure it is the right decision to move.
A senior doesn't need to fall to become depressed, or start having memory or cognitive or loneliness issues.
Your choices are:
- transition into a nice, reputable AL -- either in the town where she currently is (and before you move); or to a facility in the town where you are moving.
- you hire a rotation of aids to keep her in her home, if she can afford it and you wish to manage it daily (and it won't be cheap or easy during the current labor shortage).
No matter what solution you choose she probably won't like the change. If you are her PoA you do what works for *you*.
If I were in your shoes I'd opt to move her to a facility where I'll be living. There can be much to manage and at 94, she's not far from a profound health event or accident that will require more of your involvement, at least for a while. Trying to deal with it from afar will be pretty stressful.
Don't be concerned with the argument that she won't know anyone in your new home town... at 94 and with limited mobility her social life is extremely limited anyway. This is why I personally would opt for a nice facility that has a good reputation, plenty of staff and daily activities, clubs, and events for their residents. And accepts Medicaid.
Your original question is about whether you should feel guilty if you move away. This depends on whether you are her PoA. And how connected to her you are. It's not whether you *should* feel guilty, but can you prevent yourself from feeling this way? Honestly, I don't think I could at her age. If she were 74 it'd be a different scenario.
I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart as you make decisions.
The other day I was in a medical facility and had a long --i.e. 20 minute -- chat with a woman who has worked for some 16 years in what she called a "senior residence." There are so many types nowadays, I don't know what kind exactly. But here's what struck me from what she said. To summarize: "We are no longer accepting ANYONE on Medicaid. And the ones we do have who are on Medicaid, we are putting them now 2 to a room." This reminds me of a Canadian who posted something recently about how people there with very little resources end up 3 to 4 in a room.
I have no idea if this is a trend that's going to sweep the country or if it's already swept the country and we don't know it, whether it's "regional" for certain parts of the country, etc.
I would feel guilty if I left and didn't get my mom in a safe environment and surrounded by the care she needs.
You don’t give much in the way of details of the day to day. People here are assuming you do full time care based solely on her age. I think if you did you would have said so. You also would have explained how you planned to replace that. The fact you say your husband is concerned only about falls implies you don’t. And given he is concerned about depression etc coming as a result of a fall tells us she is OK on those fronts now.
So tell her you want to move out to live your married life in your own home and she can then decide with your inout what help she might need to obtain when you are gone.
Expecting any 94 year old to live alone is a recipe for disaster, sorry. Especially 94 year old with mobility and memory issues who are used to having loved ones living with them full time.
I would not want to oversee in home care from a distance. So my suggestion would be place Mom in an AL. Where us her choice.
If she has memory issues now, be prepared for a possibly quick decline. Often, when things change in the home, there is a mental decline.
It kind of sounds like your husband is more reluctant to move than you in regard to his concern about your mom. Sounds like he would be willing to stay put. Is there a reason you don't want to be there any longer? And would mom's finances afford her the same caregiving situation that she has with the two of you at this time?
Seems harsh unless there are plans to take care of her.
Unless you can get her into an AL or unless you can get her round the clock oversight at home, I think she is very vulnerable being alone unless she has other supports you didn’t mention.
I know you want to start your new life but your Mom needs help and unless you have a serious care plan in place, she’s at risk for hurting herself.
There is no way that I would live with either of them or have them live with me.
However, I will make sure they both are well cared for and will stay in the area until they are both gone.
IMO, it is imperative that I stay close by to make sure they are properly cared for.
Because they love her, they can help her either move to a senior community or AL, or set her up with homecare services.
Not being willing to sacrifice years of your life to caregiving doesn't mean a person doesn't love their family.
Moving away is not the opposite of love. In this case it's a newlywed couple who wants to go and live the life they want. That doesn't mean they won't help the mother. The help will be on their terms though, and that's how it should be. No one should have a moment of guilt about wanting to live their own life.
Your husband's concern should be whether or not you are getting depressed. Not your mother.
If your mother still possesses enough mental faculties that the three of you can sit down and have a talk with her, have one. Tell her what her choices are. She can move to a senior community where she won't be alone. She can go to AL where she will get meals and help that she needs. She can stay where she is and have live-in caregiving help. You and your husband will of course make sure she is cared for before you move. You two can be her advocates, not her slaves.
Please don't let any of the martyrs and "saints" here make you feel guilty and ashamed because you don't want to sacrifice your life to be your mother's caregiver. You and your husband have a right to live your lives and to do so wherever you want.
My mother is trying to put the guilt trip on me now because I'm back together with my ex-husband and moving out. We're buying a place with an 'in-law' suite. She's angry because our son is going to live there because he's in school. I told that kid he better get a Ph.D and stay for a long time.
My mother told me that she knows I don't love her. I told her she is wrong.
I do love her. Only I love my husband, son, and myself more. That's nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of. I will make sure she has homecare services. I'll still help her out. Only it will be on my terms not hers.
At 94 I would imagine your mom would need at the very least PT care of some kind in her home or move her to AL. How far away will you move? Will you be able to visit and see if she is being cared for?
My mom and husband's aunt are 86 & 93 and live in their homes with PT & FT care. The oldest has more care. Of course they would prefer to live with family or have family move in with them. All elders seem to become demanding and entitled as they age. Putting the guilt trip on you is very common.
You do not need to live with mom. As long as her needs are met your responsibilities are complete.
What caused you and your husband to move in with her in the first place, and when did you move in?
Did moving in allow you and your husband an opportunity to save money for your future move?
Did mother "gift" any funds to you and your husband?
I don't think it was ever the plan of the OP and her husband to just drive away and never see the mother again.
There are choices and options for the mother's care and needs other than her daughter and SIL 24/7.