My story is a little different than most of the stories on this forum. I’m married for over 40 years to a narcissist who is 20 years older than I am. Marrying him was one of the biggest mistakes I’ve made, and I live with the regrets everyday. It wasn’t until 2013 when he threw me under the bus instead of defending me to his co-worker that I realized that the man is a narcissist, which for years before this I couldn’t quite understand why he was so possessive, demanding, and controlling. His behavior has caused me to go into deep depression and to be on medications for depression. Living with him has been a nightmare, but I stay because financially I cannot manage on my own. After he retired in the ‘90s, Social Security gave him the option to have his checks deposited into his account or having it put on a debit card. I convinced him to have the money deposited in the checking account as it was easier to pay the bills. After this happened, he has decided that he’s not going to have his pension checks deposited into the account. He gets his checks in the mail and he hides the money from me when he cashes his checks. We had owned a house since 1988 but I sold the house many years ago because it was a constant hassle trying to get him to help me mow the lawn, etc. He is now 89 soon to be 90 years old, and he is declining in health rapidly. I’m the one who is his caregiver and I’m bitter and angry that I have to be the one who has to be his caregiver when during our marriage he never cared for me when I was sick. In fact, he expected me to get out of bed when I was sick so I could fix him his meals. I can go on and on about the horrible way he treated me throughout the marriage, but space prevents me from doing so.
My question to the wonderful people on this forum is whether I should have home health care come in daily to help him or should I put him in a nursing home? Our children want me to leave him and move out because of the stress that he’s putting me through and then have home health care come everyday to help him. He also needs help with his medications as he’s on many, many medications. I’m afraid to leave him alone as he’s going to turn on the stove or oven and burn down the place as he is noted to put food boxes in the oven. He has Medicare/Medicare Advantage and I’m not sure how this works. Help!
Put him in a nursing home. Let yourself have a little bit of a life just for yourself.
What will happen is unless he has a good LTC policy he will go on Medicaid. The care facility will take his social security and pension if he has one. If there is a spouse who is dependent on them, they allow them to keep a portion of it. If you own a home, you will be able to remain in the home. Medicaid will be entitled to half of the home's value (your husband's half), but not the whole thing. If he has assets, his care in a facility will be cash pay until his half of those assets get spent down and he goes on Medicare.
And do you really need OUR answer? Seems cut and dry to me. You have YOUR children blessing… NHome. Just try to find one that would cater to the many wimseys he may have. Wash your hands, move on…
It hasn't been easy, but with my counselor, anti-depressants, good friends and my sons, my days are lighter. I feel I have a future!
He brought me a glass of water once when I was mowing the lawn and it was over 90°.
I stayed as long as I did because I didn't want to hurt the family.
My Pop (who befriended him from day 1 and him and treated him like gold) was on his deathbed. I had to beg him to go with me to see him before he died. It's a 450 mile drive. "I told him you're
y husband, I need you by my side right now". We drove halfway there and hit traffic so we stopped in a hotel for the night. In the morning when I woke up he was on the phone with the airline. I thought, great, he knows I want to hurry so we can see Pop before he dies. He says "I'm not going with you, I'm going back home to work". The man literally had over 1,000 hours of annual and sick leave. They would not have blinked an eye for him to take off, which he had to do 2 days later anyway to come for the funeral.
A few years later while on vacation we had a huge fight and he wouldn't stop screaming and cursing at me. I apologized to my daughter for having to hear that, she said you guys should just get divorced. How many kids say that?
I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to survive financially but I couldn't live like that anymore. He would scream at me every time he saw me. It got to the point where it didn't even make sense to argue and I would say "stop yelling, I'm not arguing with you". One time I started crying out of frustration and he started laughing.
You CHOSE to stay with him for this long because you were afraid that you couldn't take care of yourself. Now you want to leave him when he can not take care of himself? You've got some serious soul searching to do.
You say that he controls the money and keeps it from you as if he is in control of everything but then you say that YOU sold the house?
If you leave him now, how will you pay your bills?
They would provide home health care that could set up his meds if he is basically homebound. Does he still drive? This would be one day a week from a nurse if he qualified and you think he needs daily so probably not the option you are looking for. Although, they could supplement a daily aide by doing the meds, follow his vitals, provide a bathing aide when that becomes necessary. This would be a short term solution if he is in decline.
With an advantage plan, I’m not sure how it works and each plan is slightly different I’m told. I’ve only had experience with original Medicare and a supplement.
If he needs daily care you would need to hire privately or interview agencies. Are the kids willing to take the management of that over? You could do that now, give it a test run so to speak and they could have a better idea of what that looks like and realize that he needs the NH or ALF unless they want him to consume their lives.
You can’t put him anywhere against his will unless you are his guardian. It feels good to think you can just put his happy a$$ in a nursing home but it isn’t that simple if he refuses. He probably thinks he is taking care of himself.
If he becomes hospitalized for any reason and stays in the hospital for three nights, then Medicare will pay for rehab. From rehab it is easier to get him into long term care without being his guardian. I think some have skipped rehab and gone from the hospital to the NH.
You can leave of course without doing any of that and it might all fall apart and that would give the kids a reason to act sooner rather than later.
I would not want to leave my home. Things work better when everyone is in agreement with a course of action.
But you said you sold your home so perhaps you have no attachment to where you live now.
Does anyone have his DPOA?
And yes, a certified elder attorney is always the place to start.
Perhaps have one or more of the children go with you so they can better understand the options.
Take action soon. It’s later than you think.
If you can say I need to be poa and without funds and the power over your care, I'm not lifting a finger.
Then leave. Take a drive.
If you can leave and get caretakers, they are cheaper. A nursing home is 10k a month, then another 1k in meds if he's is on them. Then extra costs for hair cuts, podiatrist, dental visits.
You could hire someone privately. But remove all check books, financial info and valuables.
AND get cameras in so you can monitor them. I would let them know it, as added security.
If your family wants to help you, take them up on their offer. Good luck.
I would have moved him yesterday! Don't hesitate.....
I had a neighbor who separated from her husband like 30 years ago, but because it was agreed to, they never got around to divorcing. But when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, neighbor went to see attorney who recommended they legally divorce before he was placed in NH because otherwise she could end up being liable for his medical expenses.
You mention he placed his pension checks in an account that was his only. Hopefully you have the necessary account information to find out how it is being held - especially since you mention you are financially unable to stay on your own. Also, do you have all the necessary paperwork in order - the wills, the poa, etc.
But based on his age and declining health, the best option does appear to be a AL or NH. Unless the home health care can be present 24/7 (which IS expensive), he would be considered a danger to himself and others.
Wishing you the best. Glad you have the support of your children. Often it is very difficult to change our habitual ways of living. It will take great courage on your part. Lean on your kids and let them help you.
I think at this point placing him may be ur best bet. If you have an assets (other than SS and pension) Medicaid allows those assets to be split. Your husbands half being spent down and then applying for Medicaid. You will receive part or all of his SS and pension depending on what u need to live on. There is more to this, but it gives u an idea what you will receive as a Community spouse. You get a car too.
Then consult a family-law attorney (divorce attorney).
It's not like the man is being victimized here. You're just tired of being a victim.
Otherwise you or someone will be dealing with home health scheduling. You have said he can no longer be left alone.
Once he is in the nursing home, do through every nook and cranny of the house and find as much cash as you can.
Leave. Just leave and begin a new life on your own.
Divorce or not, up to you, but you really could be looking at 5 more years of this.
I'd rather live in a low income apartment or studio than with a jerk of a husband. You have put in your time---time to care for you.
Leave him and let him figure out his own life.
Take a half hour and talk to an attorney, so you know your rights.
Good Luck with this.