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Hi everyone,
I am 29 and currently living with my fiancé half way across the world from my family. My stepfather has recently found out that he has a tumor which has started to spread through his body. The doctors have explained that at this point all they can do is try to prolong his life through chemotherapy and other treatmeants and it is still difficult to know how much time he has left. At the moment he feels absolutely fine as all this was only found by accident but we are very well aware that once his treatment starts, times will be very difficult.
When I found out about it, it was immediately clear to me that I would move back home. Due to the current pandemic, I cannot simply fly back and forth for shorter periods of time. My partner fully supports this although it would mean that we will be apart for the forseeable future. My mum immediately said she would never expect me to drop everything and move home and that the decision is entirely up to me, but personally I feel I would not want it any other way as I want to be there for them during this difficult time.
Moving home would mean giving up my job (which I did already consider leaving before all this happened anyway), leaving behind my time abroad, and being separated from my partner for an uncertain time. Am I crazy to jump to such fast conclusions? If things deteriorate quickly, I know I would not want to be far away. But if we are lucky and he responds to treatment, we may actually have more time and I may think I could've stayed away for longer.


Inside of me everything seems very clear on what to do but I still struggle whether I am making the right call.


Thanks for any help!

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Can you tell me what the primary cancer is? It makes a good deal of difference. If lung and not operable you are looking at shorter time. If pancreatic it could be a VERY short time. All of this makes a difference.
I myself would not move back from across the world for my stepfather; you have your life, your mate, your job I assume. I would pay what visits I was able, say every three months if you can possibly swing this.
Is there other family to support your Mum? Or good friends?
Only you can make this decision. It's a tough one. My own parents would not have wanted me to disrupt my entire life were they suffering such a diagnosis; but that was how I was raised. I am certain visits would have been treasured as this is definitely end of life diagnosis.
Only you can really decide for yourself. This is a hard decision. Chemo can sometimes buy time, but often not a lot over what the expectations are statistically. I think that the doctor is hedging and could likely provide more valuable advice in terms of months or years. But that is only a guess on my part. I wish you luck. This is a difficult decision.
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MargaretMcKen Mar 2021
Alva is exactly right about finding as much as you can about what sort of cancer and the likely prognosis. My mother's breast cancer went away for 10 good years after treatment. My BIL's prostate cancer lasted 15 years with heaps of treatment, but galloped at the end. My ex-husband's liver cancer lasted 4 months from diagnosis, the treatment was really a painful waste of the time he had left.

You need more information to be able to organise your own life. If your mother isn't pressing you to come, perhaps she knows a bit more than she has told you so far. Perhaps you could get permission to phone the doctor yourself. And there is a lot of information on the net, as well as helpful people like Alva on this site. It's good advice to find out more before you use all your leave and finance at the wrong time.

Everything is so difficult at a distance. You have my sympathy, Margaret
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I don't envy you having to work out the timing of your return. If it were me, I would weigh out going "too soon" (but being there for the entirety of his health journey) against not going "soon enough" (and possibly missing some profound time together) -- and which of those 2 would cause me the most regret. May you receive peace in your heart.
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" My mum immediately said she would never expect me to drop everything and move home and that the decision is entirely up to me".

You can wait to go until you are needed.
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"leaving behind my time abroad" Not sure what this means. Are you on green card and lose that statis if you move where parents live?

I read your reply where u really don't like your job and fiance and you
planned on moving near parents in the next year or two anyway. So what's keeping you from doing it now? It seems you want to be there for StepDad and Mom. Seems there is nothing keeping you here. Fiance can join you later if he needs to "tie things up". So, you do what you feel like u need to. But I too suggest that if/when fiance joins you, you live by yourselves.
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Do what you want to do. Your mom is understanding that it is your life.

Speak to your fiancé. Take time to make a decision that is right for you.

Best wishes to you.
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I suggest you and fiance live Near them, Not with them. You can be there, and still have your space. Find a job, build your life, while checking in to visit. Don't get stuck, set boundaries.

Wish you the best
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"Am I crazy to jump to such fast conclusions?" Talk with your partner.. your mom and be there for all of them..
so before you leave your job... make sure you have another lined up... somewhere.. if need be..

After looking at your post... NEED TO TALK WITH LO AND PARENTS... Perhaps LO would want to go with you... PERHAPS loved one could relocate and find another job nearby...
If you are in it together.. work it out... somehow...l
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Cancer Spread Through Body....
Chemo may give him more time here... but What About The Quality?

Close Friend Just talked to me tonight... Her LO has tongue cancer and it's all about.... He Is Older.... So how does radiation and chemo feel in the throat? Not Good, from another friend told me.... It was LiKe You are Burning From the Outside-IN.

Not sure what your LO cancer is... and I have been around the block a few times.... ..
This is not easy to say... When God or Higher Self calls you UP... go...
Liver Cancer, Pancreatic Cancer, Lung Cancer... Brain cancer, "Cervical Type" cancer... Lymph cancer, bone cancer,..... if it gets in the blood... blood travels to all organs.... Make Peace... Be there for you LO's who are there... take time to visit....
As one of my Lo's told me: THESE BODIES ARE NOT MADE TO LAST ..
He believes / believed in the Bible,,,, and he was good... I too believe Are Spiritual... I BELIEVE ... in a Higher being.. God, spiritual...
All knowing.... we here on Earth, and these bodies are just a moment...
Just know You Loved One's Base Line is Now. Your Loved One's Best Moment in this time is Now.. The body Now, is the New Base Line.. It will NOT IMPROVE... THIS IS THE BEST THIS BODY WILL BE... it's not going to get better. An ER doctor told me this with my LO.. Every time you visit the ER,,, this will be the new baseline...

geez... I was just told... everyday... this is the new baseline for me.... from this day forward.... This is the Best I will Be.... If I go to the ER... Or If I am at Home, work or play... TODAY IS MY NEW BASELINE..... The ER DOC did not mean it that way, but when you get to a certain age... It Becomes More Realistic.
Do not put your plans in the holding pattern... Every Body Has a Time Limit...
Understand that... when you can... I have more LO's in Heaven, than I do on Earth..... please don't judge me... this is what I have experienced...
Prayers Are With You... Good Luck.... Take your fiance with you to visit... They should understand.

Just Know You Cannot Live without an organ...blood travels... if it is in the lymph nodes... it has spread.... that is one of the portals for blood to travel...
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Bijou, the mobile world can be difficult for all of us to manage. Where should we be when our hearts pull us in more than one direction? How do you keep all the love-threads intact?

I read a lot of history, especially Australian history. When people came to Oz before or after 1800, it was usually for life. The rich could afford a couple of trips back to England, though the sea trip was dangerous and took over 3 months each way. Further down the social scale, if you went back, it was for good. The letters that migrants wrote back home to describe their new homes and lives are heartbreaking in their acceptance that they just couldn’t explain what it was like - they mostly talk about the vegetables they can grow. Their families back there fully understood that they would never see them again.

These days (at least before Covid) going back and forth is much more possible. I did it 3 times, my daughter has done it far more. Everyone wants it all – to keep their culture and their ties from home, but to be fully accepted in the new place as well. My daughter’s husband wants their son to feel both Irish and Australian. I’m not sure that it’s possible.

Sometimes you have to accept that you cannot live in two places at once. This doesn't help your dilemna, but perhaps gives you a historical perspective. And sometimes we find that the world hasn't changed as much as we thought. Just do your best! You can't 'win 'em all'. It’s yet another ‘least worst’ situation!
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Tothill Mar 2021
I hear your Margaret. My Grandmother was from NZ. After she moved to Canada in the 1920's she never spoke to her brothers and sisters again. They did write, but when I offered to pay for long distance phone calls, so she could hear their voices, she said no.

A friend took a sabbatical last year to go visit her family in NZ for the first time in 30 years. Shortly after she arrived everything shut down. She is still there a year later. Thankfully she is a professor and classes are all online, so she can teach from NZ.
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Thanks so much to all of you who have replied so quickly! In a way I am very fortunate as the weight wouldn't be entirely on my shoulders but rather supporting my mum in whatever is to come. They are both in their early 60s so moving back wouldn't mean I would have to sit at home and take care of them full time as my mum is fully independent and for the time being my stepdad is too. We have a lot of family and friends around as well and my actual dad is also not far away so I would always have a place to escape to when I would need a break. I would basically move back, settle in and find a new job. My partner and I were planning to move over in 1-2 years anyway so that's why to me it doesn't seem to be such a big deal. But yes, the biggest issue is not knowing for how long this would be - it can be 6 months, 12 months, 18...who knows. And on top of that, the pandemic doesn't make it any easier.
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You wouldn’t be going to “help during a difficult time”. You would be moving back there. Moving away. For months or maybe years. Leaving fiancé, work, pretty much your whole life behind. And they all might not be here anymore for you when you came back. How much could you really help them there, besides moral support?
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I was in a similar situation a few years back. I am an only child who lived on the west coast and had two parents on the east coast that I instinctually felt needed by help. I moved back to the east coast and 3 months later mom was hospitalized with a nearly fatal septic infection. This resulted in me taking in both my parents. Fast forward to now they are both on hospice. My life is hell and there is no where else I would rather be. I couldn't live with myself knowing I wasnt here to help them. This is the hardest most important thing I have ever done. They only have me so I knew crystal clear it had to be me. I am 41, not in a relationship, and live in the same country. We are in different places in life. I want to tell you to be young and experience the world but if you will be guilt ridden it's not worth it. If your heart calls you home listen to it. I don't know if you have any help but keep in mind that it could be a one way ticket for awhile.
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MAYDAY Mar 2021
ScooobySnacx26::: I love your title !!!

You had no choice for caretaker.. you are the chosen one... racrafice...right?

Just saw your name.. I like it :)
scoobysnax"?
been through this...and now one of my friend's is going through it again...
we are here for a brief moment... and when that time comes is not up to us....... glad you are there for your parents... we too, were there for ours... and LO's...
I told my friend... location, location. location... she got her LO's within minutes from her home... Thank God... within a 8 minute drive...
mine were closer 5 minute... ER MODE.... 2 minutes... it counted....
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go be with your parents . you will never regret it .
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My suggestion is seemingly opposite the first answer you received. My thinking is about the motivation you appear to have, to help your parents.

If they aren’t saying, “Don’t come,” and if you aren’t thinking, “I’d rather not go,” ... then why not go? Imagine yourself in a timeline of each scenario — before, during, and beyond. Down the road, after 6 months or 6 years, are you more likely to regret that you didn’t go to them now; or are you more likely to regret that you went?
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Your mom wants you to live your life. There is no way of knowing what will happen with the pandemic. That could get you stuck there. Step dad may get better then what? There must be resources for help where ever they are.

You are very sweet to want to help out, you are young, live your life. Time away could be relatively short, or very long. Travel could be locked down again, especially to other countries. If you are unhappy in your job, look for another one and do not use that as rationale to go help your folks. Stay home and check on folks regularly.
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