My father is mid 40's. I have been caring for him for the past 4 years off of my income. I don't mind supporting him financially but he is very controlling because he has mysophobia contamination OCD. He cannot do many things on his own. He feels uncomfortable with many things and it inconveniences my life greatly. I do not have friends, contact with outer family is limited (due to him not being okay with their germs), and I do not have much of a life. I want to live my life but I love my father and I don't want to abandon him. He feels like I am abandoning him when I said I wanted to move out. He has his reign over the house and me because of the germaphobe OCD, even though I pay for everything I feel like a hostage in my house. I don't want to abandon my father, I just want to live a normal life. I am praying for the right decision. I just wanted to know others opinion and advice. Thanks.
I know this is a really late response but this helped me so much! I was really lost in this moment because I felt like I was being selfish and uncaring. It's hard because when I tell my father that I don't want to be controlled by him and I want to live my life he says that if I ever was mentally disabled he wouldn't abandon me and that I will never be able to love anyone unconditionally because I am so ready to "abandon" him when he is in a hard time. In some ways I feel like I am doing something wrong but I also have to realize that it's been so long and that I've already done so much? With the encouragement from your response, I told him he either needs to live with me under my rules or he needs to get disability and live in his own house. But, because of the contamination OCD he says that after I move away from him he would never feel okay with my "germs" and we would never see each other again. Anyways.. I don't know if I'm incredibly stupid or hopeful but- when I have traveled for work before my dad has come along with me and has had NO symptoms of contamination OCD. Working off of this idea I decided to get a full-time travel position at my job and travel America. I told my dad that he can come with me but ONLY on my standards/rules. He agreed and seemed very excited about the idea and felt that he would not relapse during the travels. I told him that if he did that we would split our own different ways and figure out what to do from there because I do not want to be in a position where I am being controlled. He manages all of our finances ie. bills being paid ect. I told him that I wanted to start a savings account for if it were to happen that we would have to separate ways because of the OCD I would want money saved away incase I had to get a plane home while traveling or any other occurrences. To which he got very upset and told me that I was expecting him to relapse and that I don't love him and am ready to "jump a plane" and abandon him if he does relapse. I gave up the idea because it was a huge hassle and he didn't think it was nice for me to be expecting him to fail. I want to believe this will work but I need to find a way to make sure I don't put myself in a bad position.
Save yourself, my friend. You're allowed to live a normal life and still love your father. This germophobic OCD is HIS issue, not yours. You can't fix him, nor should you be funding HIS life. People have all sorts of psychiatric issues they choose to get treatment for and they don't drag their children into the chaos WITH them. Parents should want a better life for their children than they have.....thats what good healthy parenting is all about. Don't allow yourself to be held emotionally hostage any longer by an ill man.....you deserve more.
Good luck!
He doesn’t need a daughter being there all of the time. He needs a competent psychiatrist to help him find solutions to his severe condition.
You shouldn’t be supporting your dad. These are your building years to establish your own future.
The most productive action that you can take to help your dad is to assist him by helping him to find the proper help.
Has he seen a psychiatrist recently? If so, what did they recommend to him?
Best wishes to you and your dad. Start making a plan for others to help your dad and then do something very nice for yourself. You deserve it!
First make an appointment with your Social Service Dept. They can give you some help. Maybe for now he can get Supplimental insurance (SSI) with this u get Medicaid for health. Office of Aging maybe able to help u with some resources. Maybe he can get Social Security disability. That comes with Medicare and Medicaid.
Then you take little steps. Your Dad can be left alone, right! As someone said on this forum, you are not so much enabling him you are disabling him. He has to do for himself what he can do for himself. You will need to set boundries. You are entitled to go out with friends. Go out after work with fellow employees. Take courses. Start doing these things maybe once a week, working into more often. Dad does not need a babysitter. He needs boundries. Maybe if u can set some, he will not rely on you as much.
There is a book that has been mentioned on this forum, "Boundries by Townsend and Cloud?. I think I got the authors right. If not, someone will give u the correct names. Its suppose to be a good book.
Break this sentence in two.
1. Move out? Yes
2. Stop supporting him? No (unless you want/need to).
Next will be you BOTH getting help & support to separate your tangled one-life & re-shape it into a functional adult - adult parent relationship. This will be vital to help you start to grow your individual life.
I think defining what is 'supporting him' will be key. Dad may expect & want a daily mate to live his life with him (even a parent figure).
That is an unreasonable request to ask of his adult child.
I think that being able to travel the country during a pandemic and saying that he will be great just really shines a flood light on his manipulation of you. How could he possibly do that if he really had a germ-phobia? I think that someone that really is sick in this way would lose their minds being out in the world right now.
You need to take back your control of your money and you need to set a date when you are going to go live your life. He is so far out of line with his treatment of you, he should be ashamed of his actions.
If he chooses to never see you again because you are not willing to be his lifetime companion, well, his loss. You will not ever have a life if you don't stand up for yourself now, because time only enmeshes you further in these toxic relationships.
Unless you are a trained psychologist (and THEY know better than to treat family members) there is nothing you can do for your father but enable him in his illness.
Your father is 40? You have a choice now. You can sacrifice your life for the next 50 years to your Dad, literally give it up, or you can recognize your father is mentally ill, help him get resources for himself (or not, if he won't allow that), and get counseling for YOURSELF so that you can move on with you life.
The choice honestly is your own. It will not be easy. There will be tears, rage, accusations, et al. It will take great strength. Often when our lives are lived by habit, even if they are MISERABLE, they constitute the "known". The unknown is scary and risky and fills us with fear. I am so sorry, and I wish you the very best whatever your decisions are for you own life ongoing.
When I started to read that you will be traveling for your job, I thought good getting away from Dad. Then u said he will be going with you. What Dad needs is to learn that you will not always be there.
Dad needs professional help. And you need help in learning how to walk away. Dad is in his 40s, he could live till his 90s. He has to learn how to do this on his own.
There is help out there for your father(besides you) and he's going to have to step up and get that help. And if he's not able to work because of mental issues, then I'm sure he would qualify for Social Security Disability, and even Medicaid, which would allow him to find government subsidized housing, and whatever else he might need.
You owe your father nothing. But you do owe yourself the ability to live your best life possible. So please do just that, and get out ASAP. Wishing you the best.