Should I not visit MIL? Her delusional thought about me.

Eh--no matter what you do choose to do, you will wonder how it would have gone if you'd done the 'other' thing.

Personally, having had a whole YEAR of no contact with my MIL, I am finally beginning to have a sense of peace about her. I did buy her a gift, which my daughter will drop off on her back porch with no contact (she hates my kids b/c they are 'from me' so they also have had a year of non-contact).

DH has mono, so he is under 'house arrest' and will not be better by Sunday, so doubtful he'll even call her.

EVERY SINGLE visit with her since the big blowup of a year ago has been a small slice of hell for DH. I am not there to take the hatred and blunt caustic comments. He comes home, depressed and angry and frustrated. Evidently every visit is a slam session with me being the main topic.

She has not been formally dxed with ANY kind of mental illness except for anxiety. I guess 'really mean' isn't a mental issue?

It's mother's day for YOU too, right? IF you choose to visit, go on Saturday. My MIL routinely ruined Mother's DAy for me, year after year after year.

Go if you want, but have no expectations of loving hugs or even acknowledgment of existence. In 45 years I never so much as got a card.

If it makes you feel better then send flowers, card, gift but skip the visit — it won’t change anything.

She’s not going to remember who brought her there or who did the packing. If you go in person, don’t go alone.You can choose to do a virtual visit instead. Accusing family members of stealing is the norm for Alzheimer’s/ dementia patients. She needs to be managed by professionals with proper meds. My 94 year old mother with dementia new name for me is “Hitler” It used to be “prostitute”. I think I prefer “prostitute “. My mother never used to curse when she was well & I remember her washing my mouth out with soap when I cursed…which I picked up from school…
It’s your choice…either way, MIL won’t remember you were there 5 minutes after your visit. Hugs 🤗

If you will feel badly for not visiting her, then visit her. You don't know how she will react, or even if she will react to your visit. She may even welcome seeing you. Don't try to second guess, just visit. If she gets agitated, leave. You might even present her with some flowers.

Do what is right for you. You are not obligated to visit.

When I went to see my godmother in the nursing home she didn’t have a clue as to who I was, not one clue.

My godmother had Alzheimer’s disease. I don’t think my visits meant anything to her and I always left feeling very depressed. The only thing that she ever said to me in a rude voice was, “Who are you?” When I replied saying that I was her goddaughter, she didn’t respond. Eventually, I stopped going.

Do what you feel is best.

I'd go & just see how it goes.

Try moving the blame for the 'stealing' onto faeries, leprechauns or even ghosts? (Worked for older lady I met).

Don't visit her. Don't feel guilty about it.
She won't be happy to see you.
You won't feel good about yourself after the visit.
So, there is no point.
Often, guilt and "doing the right thing" sends us into situations we should avoid.

I avoid my very aggressive elderly father, and my life is so much better for it. I am happy and calm and not involved in his insanity.

I strongly recommend you do the same. Look after yourself.

Sounds like it would benefit neither of you, I'd skip it. Thinking things are stolen is one of the most common delusions of Dem/Alhz so that's par for the course.

One of the things I find fascinating about dementia is that sometimes people can hold two totally contradictory beliefs at the same time. If your relationship has always been difficult or if she immediately becomes agitate and accusatory when she lays eyes on you then of course visiting would do neither of you any good. If, on the other hand, you used to get along pretty well I wouldn't stop visiting solely because of the hurtful things she is saying to others, it is possible that "evil Ludmila" and the real physical you are not connected in her mind.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have the same thing going on with my dad. I have resorted to dropping off small treats for him weekly.

The hostility just got to the point that it was soul crushing. Sometimes people with dementia seem to direct all their anger at one person. The neurologist kept telling my dad may never give up the fixed belief that I have stolen all his money. I kept thinking I could get through to my him.

After two years, I have decided my visits just make things worse for my dad; and they were eroding at my best memories. Please find someone to talk to outside of your family. Hang in there.

I stopped seeing my mother about a year before she passed away except to take her to the dr. She had narcissistic tendencies and verbally abused me all my life and that is the one thing that never stopped ( in part thanks to instigation from a narcissistic sibling who told her lies about me) . Truthfully, it wasn’t worth upsetting her and me , even the doctor visits were a nightmare towards the end. Of course I was the only one of my sibs who had responsibility for her medical care including her last hospitalization , nursing home and hospice at my daughter‘s house in the middle of Covid but just proved the point she had no reason to abuse me. I think it comes down to what’s best for you, not her. She’s not going to change but what will allow you to be satisfied with your part ? She doesn’t know reality at this point but you do. To me it was how much do I have to let her hurt me vs what do I feel is my responsibility to her as my parent. I did all I could medically for her ( ie refused to allow my sibs to drop her more expensive medications cause it was “ cutting into their inheritance “) but basically saw as little of her as possible while doing so. That gave me peace . Mine was an extreme case since it was more than just dementia but I think it still applies, you need to do what you will be able to accept as doing your best for you

Thinking CAN change. Life in memory care is so isolating and the brain needs something to think about. I'm sorry this is happening. I know it can hurt and be stressful. If this was my MIL, I'd tell her that I packed her things myself because I didn't want anything stolen. That she's important and loved. But if she finds something missing to please let me know because I will do whatever it takes to make it right. They go through tops and socks quickly. You might suggest that you thought she had more and buy her something she might like from Walmart. It doesn't have to be expensive. Just comfortable, washable and in a color they like. This will show her that you are on her side. Even if she doesn't express the change in thoughts right away, the seed will be planted and the next time she sees you, she'll associate you with something pleasant. Good luck!

My MIL lived in a Memory Care facility when she had Alzheimer's. She thought that her son, my husband, was her (late) husband, and that he was having an affair, with me. When we were visiting once, she told him, pointing to me, "Get that heifer out of here." When Hubby and I got back in the car, I let him have it. I told him, "How dare she call me a heifer." I used to play a lot of tennis, but for a variety of reasons I stopped, and so pounds can come on over night. He said, "No, 'heifer' to her, referred to my being 'the other woman,' rather than a pudgy woman." I'm thinking, "Oh, gee, thanks." Isn't that sad, that I'd rather be known as a home wrecker, rather than a woman with a middle aged spread. However, I've been able to put "heifer" behind me. (Just ask my hips.) The stealing accusations came from my own mother, who also had Alzheimer's. She'd accuse my husband of going through her purse. She had all of $5 in there and a lipstick; let him knock himself out. I even wrote a book about Hubby and I taking care of her called, "My Mother has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I have a chapter entitled, "Steel Yourself for Stealing." I'd still visit my MIL every now and then, knowing that due to the disease, most things that came our of her mouth were delusions, illusions, etc. Best of luck.

You can always say: "No, I put them in your safe space so no one will take them." If that doesn't work, don't argue, just exit stage left. My MIL used to hear water running. My SIL would argue w/her. I always said "Oh tell Maria to go turn it off. " Or I would tell her it's the sound from the washer (which people had to use quarters for). I'm from that school that says: if they say there's a lion under the bed, just say I already called the lion tamer, he's coming!

I think go or not as you wish. She is likely to have good days and bad days. Maybe give a little time before the next visit?

My mom was the same. She was really angry with my sister mostly, with the typical stealing accusations, but she also got my sister confused with her own mother. And then we had to go to court to get her moved in to AL/MC. So she was mad at me too. We stayed away for a few months when we first moved her in, but then started visiting. One of my visits, I got the mean face. The next she was happy to see me. The next I got mean face. At this point, she’s mostly happy, but still has bad days. We just go when we can and if it’s a good day, great, but if not we’ll leave.

The delusion could come and go. Maybe if she is distracted to something different, it might get better, but I do know distraction was easier said than done for us. Good luck.

My EX-MIL accused the current DIL of stealing. When I visited, she would laugh, smile, ask where was my "little boy " (he was 35) and asked why it had been so long since I visited. We just rolled with it. I felt bad for the DIL who was taking care of her.
Its a horrible disease. The doctor said don't try to correct her.

It's up to you. If you decide to go, try to keep the visits upbeat and enjoyable for both of you. If she becomes agitated, you can go away for a short time and see if she's better after about 15 minutes. This was often the case with my mother. I found with my mother that she enjoyed just sitting on the patio at her residence. This was something I could do with her. The visits don't have to be long. If she's in a senior residence it's better to remove her valuables, sharp objects, and financial papers, credit cards, etc. Have all financial papers sent to your house if you are POA. This may be one reason why she thinks things have been stolen.

Personally I would take a little break from it for some emotional self care and even though she has dementia I would probably want to bring someone w me when visiting so you don’t have the stress of the stealing accusations. I had a family member who did that but it wasn’t dementia related from the time they were young they had anti social personality disorder and one behavior tendency in those folks is to create chaos and use false accusations to get their way or to give them a feeling of power, very sick person that any kind of counseling or treatment generally doesn’t work for. Did she have this trait in younger years or just dementia related? It can be very hurtful i wouod imagine even if it’s dementia related bc you still experience the hurt emotionally of that, it’s still hurtful and stressful so in this case personally I would limit visits to a shorter time and have someone w you even as emotional support I hope that helps

If you decide to visit your MIL, make sure that you always bring at least one other person with you and that you carefully document each visit or even record the conversations as proof, because if your MIL decides to accuse you to someone who doesn't know you or her very well and doesn't know/realize that she's demented, that person will call the police and report you for elder abuse. And, elder abuse detectives and others in state legal systems cannot be trusted at all. It doesn't matter to the police and other legal authorities if the elderly person is lying, demented, or delusional, they'll believe the demented person first and always before they'll believe you, without listening to your side of the story or doing any investigation to determine your MIL's mental status. And, an elder abuse detective will also likely get your state's attorney general's office involved and the AG is sure to threaten you with criminal prosecution or, since you live in the same state as your MIL, even charge you with elder abuse without even listening to your side of the story or looking further into your MIL's mental status. These legal authorities do NOT understand dementia and do more harm than good-- basically, they're incompetent when it comes to the elderly and their mental status. Having had an experience with my father, who was not demented but was elderly and an extreme narcissist, making false accusations against me (all lies and BS) and being threatened with criminal prosecution on the basis of his lies about me by Arizona legal authorities in Tucson who fell for my father's lies about me hook, line, and sinker and wouldn't listen to my side of the story, your MIL, even though she's demented, is putting you into legal jeopardy. In her demented accusations, your MIL is a very dangerous person for you to be in contact with. I severed my relationship with my then 91 year old father (he's now deceased) because not only did his false accusations put me in legal jeopardy but also because he continued to make these false accusations even after I had severed my relationship with him. Fortunately, I don't live in AZ, so was only being harassed by Tucson legal authorities who had no jurisdiction over me as long as I stayed out of Tucson and AZ, in general-- which I did. I had to hire an attorney in AZ to get these legal authorities off my back. But, given that you live in the same state as your MIL, I'd say that since she continues to accuse you of stealing, sever the relationship now before someone who isn't familiar with her or you reports you to legal authorities. But, if you choose not to sever it with your MIL, at least with witnesses, documentation, and recordings, your attorney (and you will end up having to hire one if someone decides to report you to legal authorities) can be effective in getting you off the hook. But, think about the long-term psychological impacts of all this on you if this happens, especially given the incompetence of legal authorities in geriatrics, and whether or not this is a risk you want to take just to appease your MIL or if it's even worth taking that risk. My suggestion is to cut your losses now and sever your relationship with her and save yourself legal costs and the mental anguish you're currently going through.

Ludmila: Imho, it's very telling that you're asking this question. Skip the visit since all it would do is agitate her.

I suggest going and see how it goes. I like the idea of a second person going with you. If it absolutely doesn't work, still continue to go to the facility so they, the facility, know you are paying attention - this is very important. I would then hire someone to visit with her - a companion, a care manager, a volunteer from your church...someone who can do it on a regular basis so they can report to you how she is doing and so she will have company and someone's devoted attention. this person should have skills to engage her in activities for a person with dementia. Read Rachael Wonderlin's Dementia by Day for advice on this. Perhaps eventually you can join these sessions.

if she is in a Dementia Unit, there's probably nothing to steal anyway! When we moved my husband's mother to the DU, staff at the care center stole her belongings because by the time she passed, all she was wearing was a cheap sweat pants set! They do get delusional and sometimes hostile. Sometimes they don't know who you are either. We used to bring his mother her favorite soda pop, Mountain Dew...she related to that!

If someone was accusing me of something I did not do, I'd be darn mad even if it is dementia. Seeing you, I think, will reinforce this and it will be a miserable visit. If you do go and she starts in on you, just tell her of your innocence and then get up and leave at once. She needs to learn consequences when she does this.

I was accused but by my MIL's sister and my sister in law. I always offered to help my MIL find what she thought was missing. Once in a while we would find it. She started to trust me again. We found out her own daughter is the thief. The daughter is no longer trusted by anyone except the aunt and she doesn't understand why. I think my SIL should be institutionalized because of her being a drug addict, alcoholic, lying thief but that is just my thoughts. There is always a bad apple but when it is not you and you are accused, it is real hard to hold your head up and look the other way.

Visn't and if she becomes agitated leave

I wouldn’t visit. Let your husband visit her alone.

honestly if you feel it will upset her (or might) because she already has some mental issues.......then don't visit, don't call. I am guessing that your hubby is visiting his mother, he can let you know how she is doing. And if even mentioning your name upsets her.....then he shouldn't even talk about you. It's not you personally, but her perception so don't "rock the boat"........I wish you luck.

I wouldn't visit and if she asks anyone why you haven't come, I would have them answer "Why would you want someone to visit you whom you have accused of stealing from you? Why would you think she would WANT to visit you when you've accused her of stealing from you?"