My MIL lost her husband 8 years ago and had a very serious stroke in February 2024. She spent 3 months in ICU & Rehab hospital. My husband and I had convinced her to move closer to us in Florida 2 years prior and her other son (3 year younger than my husband and I) moved to Washington (about as far away as they could get after their father died).
My MIL has mental cognition issues after the stroke (the extent of this is unknown as we are waiting on her third MRI results but she can answer Yes/No questions and is able to follow conversations pretty well). After the hospital she had no place to go but to a Skilled Nursing Facility where she quickly lost all the progress she had made in the rehab hospital. It was killing my husband to watch her wither away all alone so we made the decision to sell our house and buy one in which she could come live with us. We've been her only caretakers since July and have realized that we can't do this longterm alone - no matter how much we really, really want to. My MIL can't walk, talk, eat, move, or go to the bathroom on her own. She can only be left alone for short periods of time as we have found her on the floor multiple times or stuck in really awful positions which make her limited mobility even worse.
My husband used his FMLA and I'm taking mine which will buy as 3 more months of time to figure out our next moves. We have begged, pleaded, cried and more to ask her other son to come help support her and us through this situation. They came down for 2 weeks and it ruined our relationship because the caretaking was too much for them. They refuse to come back and help in any capacity as they feel they need to live their life and are doing enough. I want to talk to my MIL about this - but I worry about her mental comprehension. She and I were very close before this stroke and I would say had more a friend relationship than most daughter-in-laws would have. I feel very taken advantage of by my brother-in-law because they feel that everything is handled because I am doing it now - I will reach burn out soon. I can't keep up my job, caretaking, and trying to live life if nothing changes. I feel guilty for feeling this way - but this situation has already led to chronic pain and emergency surgery and it's only been 3 months!
My brother-in-law sent us a very upset message of not being able to have a relationship with their mom and feels it is because we are not doing enough to help foster that relationship (remember she can't talk and is has limited capabilities for communication due to Aphasia). This feels very unfair as we already uprooted our lives, put our jobs and future at risk, and have no time for my husband and I to do things just together. We already decided not to move forward with having children of our own because of this responsibility.
Should I talk to my MIL about our strained relationship with her other son? She has always babied him, and treated him very differently than my husband. She paid for any expenses he asked her to and he is now upset that we can no longer afford to do this for him because that money is going to her extra rehab and care. We feel very isolated and alone and don't know how to move forward. Thank you for reading.
You know - the one who couldn't stand to see his elderly, stroke-impaired, cognitively declining mother "wither away" in a skilled nursing facility and decided - and I'm sure decided this against medical advice - to bring his mom home, where he has a wife who is willing to sacrifice her own wellbeing to take care of mom. And who is now getting irate at her husband's family for not "stepping up", as it were.
So I ask - have you told your husband how you are feeling about all of this? And what has his reaction been? "Oh, but mom is doing so much better here at home" - well maybe she is, but YOU are not if you are to the point of burnout, where you think that having your BIL come 1000 miles to "help" will solve the problem. Even IF BIL was willing to do that, just how long do you think THAT would last? A week? 2 weeks? And then it's right back to falling on your shoulders. How long do you think that's sustainable?
The sad fact of the matter is that your MIL - who you clearly love deeply - is too ill to be taken care of in your home. Deeply loving someone is NOT a substitute for care, and even though we deeply love someone doesn't mean we are able to take on a 24/7 caregiving role. If life's choices were always good v. bad, life would be much simpler, but sometimes -and especially when the caregiving decisions of an elderly LO come into play - the choices you are presented with are bad, worse and worst.
I'm very sorry and afraid that that is now where your family is at. I hope you can work things out while before you are burnt out entirely.
No, do not "tattle" on your BIL to your poor MIL. All it will do is distress her further in an already distressing situation. Let go of him completely and move on. This is the wise and mature thing to do.
If I were in your shoes I would get MIL assessed as needing LTC by her doctor. She can go into a nice facility on private pay and then when her money runs out you help her apply for Medicaid. Medicaid covers her medical needs and her SS income will cover the custodial (room and board portion). Always ask the facility up front whether they have Medicaid beds or not. But first you should consult with a certified elder law or estate planning attorney, and/or a Medicaid Planner for your state of residence. Don't make any assumptions: you need to talk to a professional to plan for how your MIL's finances are going to play out in her coming years.
If your husband is against her going into facility care then he will have to tell you how he is going to solve the burnout problem. It will only get worse. Or, he hires aids for his Mom (using her money).
Please do not defer having a family and a life of your own. There are solutions for your MIL, they just aren't perfect ones or the ones everyone was hoping for. This is called the "least bad" option. The worst option is for you and your husband to burn out and never launch your own lives. No loving parent would ever want that for their child.
We had her in the best facility in our area - but she needed more therapy and community than the facility could offer. We are not demanding anything of anyone, but have heard from many doctors that the more support and help she gets now could give her more opportunities to recover.
You can’t take someone home and expect others to pick up the slack from 1,000’s of miles away . It doesn’t matter if your BIL was babied or not .
This situation is not sustainable that’s the real issue here . Not some family squabbling. Have MIL go back to the nursing home . That’s enough for her to deal with . Spare her the complaints please about other people because of a decision you and your husband made .
Tell MIL you are very sorry but this is harder than you thought and she will need to be placed in a facility where there are professionals to care for her .
Your heart was in the right place , but it turned out too difficult to manage at home . It happens to many .
You have a good relationship with your MIL. That's wonderful.
You and Dh chose to make this living arrangement. YOU chose it, your BIL didn't. There is no shame in being honest about your inability to step up and do FT care. AS you too well know--it's brutal.
But you cannot ask someone to step up to that level of care b/c of a choice YOU made.
It's sad, and I am sorry for you, but your level of care for your MIL is going to get harder and harder. Not easier.
You say you have put off having a family for MOM? That is six ways from messed up. If she knew that, I bet she'd be upset and hurt. If you open your heart and talk to MIL and she finds THAT out, she may come unglued.
You don't know how many years you still have ahead of you, dealing with this dynamic.
Your MIL's money SHOULD BE going to her care and her care alone. And, she needs to be somewhere she can get the assistance and care she needs. I don't doubt your love for MIL, but love can still be manifested through putting MIL in a nice facility (and yes, Cover, these places do exist!)
I don't know how old everyone in the family is, but if you are still planning to have a family, you must be, what, late 40's at the outside.
I think that your BIL has no right to expect any money from MIL's estate in order to plump up HIS lifestyle.
In our marriage, I dealt with issues with MY family and my DH dealt with issues with his. I didn't agree with him, much of the time, but I also didn't have a voice in the CG of either of his parents.
Your heart id good, but 3 months more of trying to make this work-probably won't help.
OMgosh--I just read that she is only 62. You are looking at possibly up to 30 YEARS of intense caregiving. Wow--just wow.
Don’t try to place the blame of your unfathomably naive decision to bring her home on another family member. It is utterly absurd to expect someone to move across the country in this situation.
You should not be doing such caregiving yourself either, because you are not qualified to do so.
Skilled Nursing facilities exist precisely for folks like your MIL. She can still have PT and OT while living there, and you can sit with her all day every day if you so desire.
Placing a person in need into a SNF is not a bad thing or an abandonment. You said yourself MIL has been found on the floor several times already.
If you insist on keeping her at home, she needs 24/7 professional caregivers to take care of her. Not you or DH or BIL who are all out of your depth.
Realize what's going on and stop blaming BIL for being realistic. Is he blaming you for being unrealistic?
Sometimes bad things happen to good people and love alone won't fix the situation. Neither will talking to a cognitively impaired stroke victim about what her son is not doing for her.
Best of luck coming to terms with what's needed here for MIL.
As someone who has in the past taken care of an acute stroke victim hands-on for two years, I caution you not to get your hopes up that she's going to improve enough to do this or that. I wasn't told about the follow-ons to a stroke, which include painful muscle contracture, deformed joints or limbs (I'm not sure if it's one, the other or both), and depression. Then there's decline in cognition due to brain damage that occurred, anger, and on and on. In my relative's case, I thought great improvement was being made with PT, OT and speech - and then in six months or so, the contracture started and included more to consider, such as surgery to fix it. A stroke is a life-changing event.
MIL needs professional care. Expecting family to help is futile. And MIL doesn't need to know of a family feud that could upset her even more. Place her, visit her often, and move on.
Please, please don’t add another heartache to this poor, critically ill woman’s already miserable life. What could she possibly gain from it? What could YOU possibly gain from it?
You should most DEFINITELY not burden a woman this ill with any of this.
Now. You say you've begged and pleaded with other son, who doesn't live nearby, to help you in this hands-on caregiving? More than that, to COME and help. What are you expecting of him and his family? To MOVE from their entire life and come where you are? To help you do what you acknowledge to us is "undoable"?
I think that was wrong. I think he's made the (imho) RIGHT. You made your own choice..
I personally, after a career as an RN, knew I could never do what you have done. Being an RN quickly taught me that as much as I loved the job, to take it on for a relative 24/7 would have been utterly UNTHINKABLE.
My limitations stop a good deal short of Sainthood, and Sainthood is what it would demand. A bad job description, truly.
Again. You have taken on this care and you recognize now that was a mistake.
How could you expect someone else to upend their entire lives in another state to do what you already acknowledge is the undoable.
And why do you want to put this onto a dying woman?
As to your poor MIL. She has had her life. I am 82. I have had mine. If I have a stroke I hope to heaven I will go quickly, or that someone will ALLOW me to go. I have told my family what I want and have written in advance directive. It woud kill me to think my family would attempt this in-home care. What your poor MIL is going through is a horrible crucible. And you are standing witness to what is a torture.
We do better in the end for our poor animals. I hope that when finally she is able to go you will feel nothing but sheer relief that she has not to suffer in this manner. And I hope NOW you will place your poor MIL in the best care her assets can afford her on palliative and hospice are. I hope you and hubby will find a way to live visiting her and understanding fully that not everything can be fixed--not by you and not by you and another 10 sons of hers all moving back home.
This is a terrible end for a life. And it is horrific to have to stand witness to it.
Given all my sympathy with you/for you/for you ALL I simply cannot understand why it would even enter your mind to put this story to your mother? I just cannot.
PLEASE. Ask her other son to call. Tell him you will put the phone to her ear. Ask him to visit and stay in a nice hotel. Tell him you understand his life is made across the country and isn't there. Tell him you are in severe pain and that you feel helpless and understand you took on more than is humanly possible given human limitations.
And WHATEVER you do, comfort the mother when you are with her, that "John and Myra wish they could be here, but their whole life is there. John sends his love. Myra told me she remembers you when you..............." Blah blah.
PLEASE DO HER NO HARM.
And I know that YOU know that hearing all this could do NOTHING BUT HARM.
Do you think there is no harm associated with putting her back in a home?