My MIL lost her husband 8 years ago and had a very serious stroke in February 2024. She spent 3 months in ICU & Rehab hospital. My husband and I had convinced her to move closer to us in Florida 2 years prior and her other son (3 year younger than my husband and I) moved to Washington (about as far away as they could get after their father died).
My MIL has mental cognition issues after the stroke (the extent of this is unknown as we are waiting on her third MRI results but she can answer Yes/No questions and is able to follow conversations pretty well). After the hospital she had no place to go but to a Skilled Nursing Facility where she quickly lost all the progress she had made in the rehab hospital. It was killing my husband to watch her wither away all alone so we made the decision to sell our house and buy one in which she could come live with us. We've been her only caretakers since July and have realized that we can't do this longterm alone - no matter how much we really, really want to. My MIL can't walk, talk, eat, move, or go to the bathroom on her own. She can only be left alone for short periods of time as we have found her on the floor multiple times or stuck in really awful positions which make her limited mobility even worse.
My husband used his FMLA and I'm taking mine which will buy as 3 more months of time to figure out our next moves. We have begged, pleaded, cried and more to ask her other son to come help support her and us through this situation. They came down for 2 weeks and it ruined our relationship because the caretaking was too much for them. They refuse to come back and help in any capacity as they feel they need to live their life and are doing enough. I want to talk to my MIL about this - but I worry about her mental comprehension. She and I were very close before this stroke and I would say had more a friend relationship than most daughter-in-laws would have. I feel very taken advantage of by my brother-in-law because they feel that everything is handled because I am doing it now - I will reach burn out soon. I can't keep up my job, caretaking, and trying to live life if nothing changes. I feel guilty for feeling this way - but this situation has already led to chronic pain and emergency surgery and it's only been 3 months!
My brother-in-law sent us a very upset message of not being able to have a relationship with their mom and feels it is because we are not doing enough to help foster that relationship (remember she can't talk and is has limited capabilities for communication due to Aphasia). This feels very unfair as we already uprooted our lives, put our jobs and future at risk, and have no time for my husband and I to do things just together. We already decided not to move forward with having children of our own because of this responsibility.
Should I talk to my MIL about our strained relationship with her other son? She has always babied him, and treated him very differently than my husband. She paid for any expenses he asked her to and he is now upset that we can no longer afford to do this for him because that money is going to her extra rehab and care. We feel very isolated and alone and don't know how to move forward. Thank you for reading.
We had her in the best facility in our area - but she needed more therapy and community than the facility could offer. We are not demanding anything of anyone, but have heard from many doctors that the more support and help she gets now could give her more opportunities to recover.
From experience, I don't think talking to MIL will do any good, may make matters worse.
So sorry you are going through this.
Please, please don’t add another heartache to this poor, critically ill woman’s already miserable life. What could she possibly gain from it? What could YOU possibly gain from it?
You should most DEFINITELY not burden a woman this ill with any of this.
Now. You say you've begged and pleaded with other son, who doesn't live nearby, to help you in this hands-on caregiving? More than that, to COME and help. What are you expecting of him and his family? To MOVE from their entire life and come where you are? To help you do what you acknowledge to us is "undoable"?
I think that was wrong. I think he's made the (imho) RIGHT. You made your own choice..
I personally, after a career as an RN, knew I could never do what you have done. Being an RN quickly taught me that as much as I loved the job, to take it on for a relative 24/7 would have been utterly UNTHINKABLE.
My limitations stop a good deal short of Sainthood, and Sainthood is what it would demand. A bad job description, truly.
Again. You have taken on this care and you recognize now that was a mistake.
How could you expect someone else to upend their entire lives in another state to do what you already acknowledge is the undoable.
And why do you want to put this onto a dying woman?
As to your poor MIL. She has had her life. I am 82. I have had mine. If I have a stroke I hope to heaven I will go quickly, or that someone will ALLOW me to go. I have told my family what I want and have written in advance directive. It woud kill me to think my family would attempt this in-home care. What your poor MIL is going through is a horrible crucible. And you are standing witness to what is a torture.
We do better in the end for our poor animals. I hope that when finally she is able to go you will feel nothing but sheer relief that she has not to suffer in this manner. And I hope NOW you will place your poor MIL in the best care her assets can afford her on palliative and hospice are. I hope you and hubby will find a way to live visiting her and understanding fully that not everything can be fixed--not by you and not by you and another 10 sons of hers all moving back home.
This is a terrible end for a life. And it is horrific to have to stand witness to it.
Given all my sympathy with you/for you/for you ALL I simply cannot understand why it would even enter your mind to put this story to your mother? I just cannot.
PLEASE. Ask her other son to call. Tell him you will put the phone to her ear. Ask him to visit and stay in a nice hotel. Tell him you understand his life is made across the country and isn't there. Tell him you are in severe pain and that you feel helpless and understand you took on more than is humanly possible given human limitations.
And WHATEVER you do, comfort the mother when you are with her, that "John and Myra wish they could be here, but their whole life is there. John sends his love. Myra told me she remembers you when you..............." Blah blah.
PLEASE DO HER NO HARM.
And I know that YOU know that hearing all this could do NOTHING BUT HARM.
Do you think there is no harm associated with putting her back in a home?
Don’t try to place the blame of your unfathomably naive decision to bring her home on another family member. It is utterly absurd to expect someone to move across the country in this situation.
I am an RN
There is very unlikely to be any further rehab here.
The recovery from a stroke happens in the first two weeks. After that any recovery is fought for at enormous cost and with miraculous good luck.
That's the FACT.
Her son has made it CLEAR that he is not participating in the (poor in my opinion) decision to do home caregiving. You already know that. You simply are not accepting it.
And I would be willing to bet my RN license that no doctor has suggested to you this walking and talking is possibly going to happen in years to come. I believe you are in denial.
And let me ask you THIS.
Let us say all the above is TRUE absolutely (the opposite is the case).
WHAT DIFFERENCE WOULD TATTLING TO MOTHER MAKE??????
I asked you a simple question.
What do you think will be accomplished in telling this POOR WOMAN about your squabble with the other son? When she cannot EVEN speak to defend him. I am 82. As I said, it would kill me to think that a child would give up his own life to care for me if I suffered a devastating stroke. It is not what any mother wants for her child unless she is selfish as can be. But if you came to ME with my stroke and told me my other child refused to take care of me I would struggle with ever ounce I had left to tell you "GOOD! And you shouldn't either."
If you love her as much as you say you would never HURT HER in the manner you propose.
Sadly, your MIL is in a condition that requires her to be in LTC. I am so sorry for her and your family, but that's the fact of it. Her care needs are too much to be handled in the home. Don't resent your BIL and his wife for not being able to handle it.
I have 25 years experience doing in-home client care and operate a business of it now. Based on what you're saying about your MIL's conditions and my own experience, I will tell you I think she's beyond what can be provided for her at home.
She needs LTC.
And there is a wish to blame someone ELSE (the non-caregiving son) for the sad facts waiting to be faced.
The threat here is to tell the mother in law bad things about her son. To my mind that is unthinkably cruel. Say whatever you wish to the son. Say whatever you wish to anyone. But not the poor mother-in-law who has quite enough on her plate.
You should not be doing such caregiving yourself either, because you are not qualified to do so.
Skilled Nursing facilities exist precisely for folks like your MIL. She can still have PT and OT while living there, and you can sit with her all day every day if you so desire.
Placing a person in need into a SNF is not a bad thing or an abandonment. You said yourself MIL has been found on the floor several times already.
If you insist on keeping her at home, she needs 24/7 professional caregivers to take care of her. Not you or DH or BIL who are all out of your depth.
Realize what's going on and stop blaming BIL for being realistic. Is he blaming you for being unrealistic?
Sometimes bad things happen to good people and love alone won't fix the situation. Neither will talking to a cognitively impaired stroke victim about what her son is not doing for her.
Best of luck coming to terms with what's needed here for MIL.
It's ok to admit that you can't keep her care up as not many if any people could.
And once you get her placed you can have her doctor order some PT and OT so she can hopefully continue to improve.
We have folks like you on this forum ALL the time, who make the choice to take on a loved ones care and then gets mad at other family members for not stepping up and helping them.
Your BIL did not agree to take on his moms care....you and your husband did, so accept the fact that moms care is just too much and look into getting her placed.
If your MIL was in her right mind she would NEVER want you or any other family members giving up their lives and worse yet starting a family because of her.
Your anger towards your BIL is obviously very misplaced as you are actually just mad at this difficult situation and the fact that you've bitten off WAY more than you can now chew.
I wish you and your husband well in finding the right facility for your MIL and in eventually starting the family that you want.
She may or may not understand given the cognition issues.
You can't force someone to become involved in the caregiving duties.
Does mom have any income?
Can she pay to have caregivers come a few times a week to give you a break?
Are there any programs that she might qualify for that would help with caregivers? Check with your local Senior Service Center and or local Area Agency on Aging.
If she was in the service she may qualify for benefits through the VA.
If her husband was in the Service she may qualify for Aid and Attendance.
While she may have lost progress in the Skilled Nursing facility that she had gained during rehab it does not sound like she has improved while in your care. (This is NOT a condemnation of your care) I think she is at the level of ability she is and will not improve.
It might be time to rethink the placement in to Skilled Nursing.
This is not a reflection of your care, this is not a failure on your part. This is an acceptance that her care is more than you can manage at home.
It means that you can return to being a Daughter in Law, your husband can return to being a loving son and you can enjoy the visits you have with her rather than worrying about if you have to clean her up, or change her bedding.
Her PT/OT and speech therapists told us she has the potential to get even better it will just take time.
She has gained strength, is able to communicate using an Ipad now, has lots of socializing and activities to do with us, is eating a lot better, and her 3 bedsores have healed as I clean them everyday and ensure she doesn't put pressure on them for too long.
It is hard knowing that she will regress at the facility after leaving our care. My thought was if we just had one extra set of hands we could make this work. What I'm hearing is that it is wrong to ask for help and instead we should put her back in a facility.
You can’t take someone home and expect others to pick up the slack from 1,000’s of miles away . It doesn’t matter if your BIL was babied or not .
This situation is not sustainable that’s the real issue here . Not some family squabbling. Have MIL go back to the nursing home . That’s enough for her to deal with . Spare her the complaints please about other people because of a decision you and your husband made .
Tell MIL you are very sorry but this is harder than you thought and she will need to be placed in a facility where there are professionals to care for her .
Your heart was in the right place , but it turned out too difficult to manage at home . It happens to many .
I will leave this particular thread now, because I find myself utterly unable to reason with your thinking in any way. But I will leave you with this:
It is a very rare thing that members of this Forum agree. I have been here 5 years and we have many here that long and far longer. And we OFTEN agree to disagree. We often advise from opposite ends of a spectrum.
HERE, we all agree.
It would be not a good thing to as Way says, tell a mother who ALREADY "feels like a burden" that you are unhappy with or about her other son.
What does your husband say about your plan to do such a thing?
Is he on board with doing such a thing to his mom and his brother?
In fact, I wonder what such dissention and ugliness would DO to someone who has ALREADY had a severe stroke--who cannot communicate back to you and may be desperate to do so?
At the least it would leave her feeling hurt and helpless. But what might it do to her physically, at WORST? Have you thought about that?
So, in all of this I ask you please to do no harm to her. Consider her and her happiness and well being about your own desperation, wants, wishes, inclinations, plots and ploys.
Consider her well-being and happiness.
I beg you.
Normally we would have a discussion with her about this - but do you think that is wrong too? Should we just drop her off and let her know we will visit and she will be well taken care of? Her sisters/mom live 2 hours away do you think we should find a facility closer to them so she has more visitors?
As to what to tell her, I guess it depends on her level of cognition. You could pass it off as she has to return to the hospital, maybe?
Don’t think of this as giving up on or abandoning her. You’ll still be a part of her life, and there certainly a chance she can regain some level of independence.
Most members are taking care of someone or did care for someone. We have nurses and CNAs on this forum. So we r in your shoes or have been.
Now I am not trying to be mean here, but what do you think you will accomplish by telling Mom her son won't help. Most of the time it is one child that does the caregiving. In my family, that was me. My brothers did nothing. I cared for Mom for almost 2 yrs then placed her in an Assisted Living. When money ran out, Longterm care with Medicaid paying. As said, you can't make someone care for someone else.
Do not put your life on hold to care for someone who may be beyound your ability to care for.
That is wrong. The BIL and his wife cannot take care of her. Dumping her on his porch helps nothing. From what the OP says, he told them plainly that he and his wife cannot handle her care needs adequately.
I too have a very close relationship with my MIL. Also an an in law I think your husband and his brother need to have these conversations, not you and bil, and hopefully mil can be appropriately placed (as heartbreaking as that will undoubtedly feel for you) so you and your husband can have a life together that includes children!
You have no reason to feel guilty, you've done more than humanly possible. You are a human. Only a robot could keep up this unsustainable pace.
I'm really sorry, this must be so hard for you. 🫂
No, do not "tattle" on your BIL to your poor MIL. All it will do is distress her further in an already distressing situation. Let go of him completely and move on. This is the wise and mature thing to do.
If I were in your shoes I would get MIL assessed as needing LTC by her doctor. She can go into a nice facility on private pay and then when her money runs out you help her apply for Medicaid. Medicaid covers her medical needs and her SS income will cover the custodial (room and board portion). Always ask the facility up front whether they have Medicaid beds or not. But first you should consult with a certified elder law or estate planning attorney, and/or a Medicaid Planner for your state of residence. Don't make any assumptions: you need to talk to a professional to plan for how your MIL's finances are going to play out in her coming years.
If your husband is against her going into facility care then he will have to tell you how he is going to solve the burnout problem. It will only get worse. Or, he hires aids for his Mom (using her money).
Please do not defer having a family and a life of your own. There are solutions for your MIL, they just aren't perfect ones or the ones everyone was hoping for. This is called the "least bad" option. The worst option is for you and your husband to burn out and never launch your own lives. No loving parent would ever want that for their child.
You know - the one who couldn't stand to see his elderly, stroke-impaired, cognitively declining mother "wither away" in a skilled nursing facility and decided - and I'm sure decided this against medical advice - to bring his mom home, where he has a wife who is willing to sacrifice her own wellbeing to take care of mom. And who is now getting irate at her husband's family for not "stepping up", as it were.
So I ask - have you told your husband how you are feeling about all of this? And what has his reaction been? "Oh, but mom is doing so much better here at home" - well maybe she is, but YOU are not if you are to the point of burnout, where you think that having your BIL come 1000 miles to "help" will solve the problem. Even IF BIL was willing to do that, just how long do you think THAT would last? A week? 2 weeks? And then it's right back to falling on your shoulders. How long do you think that's sustainable?
The sad fact of the matter is that your MIL - who you clearly love deeply - is too ill to be taken care of in your home. Deeply loving someone is NOT a substitute for care, and even though we deeply love someone doesn't mean we are able to take on a 24/7 caregiving role. If life's choices were always good v. bad, life would be much simpler, but sometimes -and especially when the caregiving decisions of an elderly LO come into play - the choices you are presented with are bad, worse and worst.
I'm very sorry and afraid that that is now where your family is at. I hope you can work things out while before you are burnt out entirely.
As someone who has in the past taken care of an acute stroke victim hands-on for two years, I caution you not to get your hopes up that she's going to improve enough to do this or that. I wasn't told about the follow-ons to a stroke, which include painful muscle contracture, deformed joints or limbs (I'm not sure if it's one, the other or both), and depression. Then there's decline in cognition due to brain damage that occurred, anger, and on and on. In my relative's case, I thought great improvement was being made with PT, OT and speech - and then in six months or so, the contracture started and included more to consider, such as surgery to fix it. A stroke is a life-changing event.
MIL needs professional care. Expecting family to help is futile. And MIL doesn't need to know of a family feud that could upset her even more. Place her, visit her often, and move on.
You have a good relationship with your MIL. That's wonderful.
You and Dh chose to make this living arrangement. YOU chose it, your BIL didn't. There is no shame in being honest about your inability to step up and do FT care. AS you too well know--it's brutal.
But you cannot ask someone to step up to that level of care b/c of a choice YOU made.
It's sad, and I am sorry for you, but your level of care for your MIL is going to get harder and harder. Not easier.
You say you have put off having a family for MOM? That is six ways from messed up. If she knew that, I bet she'd be upset and hurt. If you open your heart and talk to MIL and she finds THAT out, she may come unglued.
You don't know how many years you still have ahead of you, dealing with this dynamic.
Your MIL's money SHOULD BE going to her care and her care alone. And, she needs to be somewhere she can get the assistance and care she needs. I don't doubt your love for MIL, but love can still be manifested through putting MIL in a nice facility (and yes, Cover, these places do exist!)
I don't know how old everyone in the family is, but if you are still planning to have a family, you must be, what, late 40's at the outside.
I think that your BIL has no right to expect any money from MIL's estate in order to plump up HIS lifestyle.
In our marriage, I dealt with issues with MY family and my DH dealt with issues with his. I didn't agree with him, much of the time, but I also didn't have a voice in the CG of either of his parents.
Your heart id good, but 3 months more of trying to make this work-probably won't help.
OMgosh--I just read that she is only 62. You are looking at possibly up to 30 YEARS of intense caregiving. Wow--just wow.
You turn over as many stones as you can to look for help however you can get it. I mentioned the VA if that is a possibility, area agency on Aging, your local Senior Service center. And if she can afford it hiring caregivers. (I say it that way so that you and your husband are not exhausting your financial resources providing caregivers.)
I mentioned SNF if it becomes dangerous for her to remain at home. The fact that you have found her on the floor if she is left alone to me indicates that she needs 24/7 supervision.
You can not rely on family to provide care if they refuse to do so.
If she has the money and if you two agree, an aide should be brought in while you and dh are at work. Two aides if she needs a Hoyer lift or other two person assist. This option could easily cost $200,000 a year.
If you can't care for her anymore you need to tell your husband this is causing a huge strain on you. It could eventually put lot of stress on your marriage. The main thing is not to allow that to happen and this situation should not dictate whether or not you should have children.
It is not your place to say anything to your MIL about her son.