This will be the first Thanksgiving that my mother is in memory care. My brother wants us to bring her to his house for the traditional Thanksgiving gathering that he's been hosting for the last 15 years, but I fear she'll suffer a setback. She was moved out of her home into memory care only 2 months ago and she still asks several times a week to be taken home. She's especially confused at night, asking for her mom and dad and thinking that she still lives in her childhood home. I know my brother will be upset if I don't bring her over, and I'm torn between my brother's feelings and considering what may be best for my mom. Should I take a chance and bring her and hope it goes OK, or play it safe and perhaps just visit early in the day and let her have Thanksgiving dinner at the facility? Or even better, bring Thanksgiving dinner to her? I'm the primary caregiver and therefore the one my mom calls when she's having a meltdown, sometimes in the middle of the night. If there's a setback I'll be the one who has to deal with it. This is uncharted territory for me, and it's hard when my only sibling disagrees with me. Any advice would be much appreciated.
Wishing all of you and your families a Happy Thanksgiving.
Tell your brother to go visit his mom in HER home on Thanksgiving and to bring her a piece of pie. It's seriously irritating when people want to Make Believe nothing is wrong with our mother's who suffer with dementia and choose to keep their heads buried in the sand instead! Meanwhile, YOU will be the one to deal with the tears, chaos and utter confusion after the festivities when mom goes back to the MC and has a meltdown! 😑
I used to pick mom up from AL and take her to my house for all the holidays. When she went into Memory Care, that's when it all stopped. She was too anxiety ridden to come to my house, and would want to "go home" 15 minutes after she arrived, even when she lived in regular Assisted Living. So I changed things up and took the celebration to her instead, Christmas Thanksgiving birthdays etc, for the nearly 3 years she lived in MC. She had a familiar bathroom close by and her "girls" at hand in case she needed them. It was a win win. And if another family member didn't like my decision, too bad about it. It was all about keeping MOM happy and anxiety free, which is the only goal always when dementia is in the house.
Good luck to you
Holidays are special family times. But celebrating the holidays can be a rewarding experience with your loved one, or an anxious, confusing, stressful experience for them and you. In general, keep the celebration Shorter, Smaller, Simpler. Here are some suggestions:
Where to celebrate-
Celebrate in the facility, reserve a room. This is their home. Going somewhere else could confuse or disorient them.
Keep everyone in the loop-
If friends or relatives are coming, let them know of situation
Your LO may not recognize family or friends
May not be able to communicate
May act inappropriately
Make the Celebration Less Elaborate-
Tone it down. Large gatherings and loud conversations can be disorienting for someone with dementia. Turn off the TV
Keep smaller intimate celebrations
Finish early to prevent “sundowning”. A holiday dinner may need to become a holiday lunch since many living with dementia perform better earlier in the day
Involve Your Loved One-
Wrap gifts if appropriate
Sing along
Set/clear the table
Preserving Traditions Can Trigger Memories-
Sing familiar Christmas and religious songs
Play holiday music (softly)
Look at family photos
Maybe have a familiar food for your loved one
Reminisce
Enjoy the holiday!
its just difficult to tell. I wish I had been able to bring my mom here last Thanksgiving. She wouldn’t be able to get up the steps.. my mom passed in May.
Secondly, if your mother is living in a memory care facility, you are not her primary caregiver and should not refer to yourself as that. The memory care is her primary and sole caregiver. So when you don't want to take her phone calls in the middle of the night when she's having a meltdown, you don't have to. Turn your phone off. Put it on silent and let it go to voicemail. You will not have to deal with her likely having a setback. The care staff at the facility will.
If your brother is insistent on taking her out of the MC for the holiday, let him.
You make sure to give the facility his contact information ahead of time. Let them know that is mom starts flipping out and is havign setbacks they are to call him and not you.
Don't put more responsibility on yourself than you need to have.
As a family, we just made sure to each visit her, separately and bring her a little treat. I know she loved the family, but we're huge and it was not fun for her at all.
My MIL is 100% housebound, by choice and she doesn't even want anyone but her daughter and my DH to come into her home. She will not leave her home for anything. A family get together would kill her, she'd be so stressed. The last family party she came to, she lasted 20 minutes and made DH take her home. It was a 40 minute drive, so HE missed everything.
Taking mom out of her "home" will set her back.
She may even ask to "go home" shortly after she leaves the facility.
She will get agitated, confused she may even get angry.
If the facility is not far from where mom is during the week family can drop in and visit mom. Bring a treat and spend some time. I would even hesitate to suggest that the family visit after dinner on Thanksgiving,. A lot of people and noise will just be confusing and may be upsetting.
One of the things I realized as a caregiver for my Husband for many years is ...
there are no holidays.
For a person with dementia one day is just like the one before it and the one after it. This makes it difficult for others when holidays are so "important". We put so much pressure on ourselves and others to make things "perfect". Enjoy the family dinner, mom will have a dinner where she is just like she did the day before and will the day after. Visit when you can, as often as you can or you want. That is the important thing not the "day".
Ask the administrators at her place what they have planned for the holidays, but don't take her out to be overwhelmed by lots of family members in an unfamiliar place. (No, she won't remember your brother's house.)