My Darling Husband is 76 and knows about his recent diagnosis of mild to moderate late onset AD. He knows he’s a little “fuzzy” but doesn’t agree with the diagnosis and has not told anyone. He has lifelong friends (yes - 75 years!) that he speaks with weekly. They are surely noticing his periodic confusion, repetitive questions and other changes. DH loves his friends and finds joy in their shared memories of ‘back in the day’ growing up in Manhattan. Detailed memories in sharp focus! On one hand I am thinking they have concerns but don't want to “question/embarrass” their friend. On the other hand they might be concerned, or choose not to call because they don’t understand his situation and are uncomfortable.
I am leaning towards telling them something, although I fear notice to his friends would be a betrayal in his eyes. However I also want them to understand and keep in touch.
Have you faced this question? What worked for you with your loved one?
I don’t know whether he was ever aware that anyone had shared the diagnosis. It’s hard to know what goes through the mind of someone with dementia.
I'd let things continue as they are.
if they want to ask they can
Sometimes illness changes people
how they react and talk to you even
If he wants them to know he will tell them
if they are that worried they would speak to you
I have told my mother’s friends, many of whom are in different parts of the country. Several make a point of staying in touch and it is wonderful to hear her conversations with them on the phone since she still remembers the special times they shared and she doesn’t seem to get lost during the conversation. They often have to contact me first since she doesn’t usually answer her phone or it is lost or not charged. I then call them when I am visiting her. Others either text me for updates or when a mutual friend is wondering how she is doing and wants to contact her they ask me the best way for the person to be in touch. When they send her cards they usually send them to me so I can help her remember who they are from.
Two of her longest friends (though close to my age)are local. They contact me to make plans to take her out for dinner or other things and I sometimes invite them to things I am planning with my mother. I will admit that sometimes I give them hints that I think getting together would be good soon if they are able since they are busy with their lives and don’t realize when it has been a while. I do the same with my niece and her family who are also local.
On her own my mother would let these relationships drop by the wayside since she has never been good at writing people and no longer really calls most people except me and my brother. They understand what is going on and I am glad that I can help her maintain these friendships to some degree. She is a very social person and I think the interactions are very good for her, even if I do have to spend a lot of time serving as her social secretary!
Instead of coming out specifically mentioning the diagnosis of Alzheimer’s, say he has memory issues which likely will progress and this is the 'best' way to respond to him when he gets mixed up:
Then list the ways.
Agree
Do not ask about things that require him to 'think' back ... husband may get very confused. The friends could say "I remember when we did xxx" - don't ask husband any questions, just share their memories.
Do not argue
Say "Oh, I hear you"
Be aware of non-verbal communications:
smile
hold his hand (or touch as appropriate - it may not be with his men friends)
eye contact
You may be sharing the diagnosis without coming out and mentioning it.
You can also read books, watch Teepa Snow You Tubes and learn to / come up with ways to respond which may both support you and his friends.
On the other hand, if your husband is more confused, it may help his friends to understand how to communicate moving forward. You do want them to feel as comfortable as they can in your husband's company vs leaving or starting to not show up due to feeling very uncomfortable and not knowing what to say.
Reading yourself, you can copy / give them a sheet of ideas of how to communicate with a person with dementia, if they are open to it.
Bringing it out in the open with you, they may feel more ... relieved because they know they can talk to you about it and not hide feeling sad and not knowing how to address the issue.
I sense you will know when it is right to be direct.
Some people cannot handle it - and even those of us who can and have - have our moments. I used to tell my one client with advanced dementia
"oh... I didn't think of that ... I've give it some thought" - and change the subject.
It acknowledged her feelings /. thoughts, even if they didn't make any sense.
Gena / Touch Matters