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My parents (81 and 80) currently live about 700 miles from us. Mom has Alzheimers and stepdad has some heart issues. About a year ago, after them staying with us for 2 weeks, stepdad agreed that moving to be closer to us was a good idea, so put a contract on a new build house here. Fast forward to today -- house is almost complete. Stepdad has been not overly truthful with us about mom's decline over the last year. He had to be hospitalized for several days, and I learned the truth of Mom's condition from the emergency caregivers I called in for them. After much panic, I arranged for her to go to a good memory care facility where they live now, and he is recovering from his hospital stay. Things are stable for now, but I have doubts about how much longer he will be able to live alone. He's a great candidate for assisted living. So do I execute on purchasing the house here? (I'm POA), or let mom stay where she is, let stepdad keep his doctors and friends there? Note: hubby and I are on the pointy end of being covid careful, both high risk due to medical conditions, and would be asking stepdad to isolate as much as possible once he moves. He is currently much more free to see friends/church/etc. and does not acknowledge our personal health concerns.

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I live in a large 55+ community. My answer is , that depends. I saw one lady who had moderate Alzheimers who kept asking neighbors to help for rides for groceries and small stuff. Come to find out her car sat in the garage for a year unregistered and one neighbor found that she was not eating much. Her house went on the market once the son was notified and threats to calling APS was next.

My neighbor who has familly living nearby has heart problems, including a bout with sepsis and needing a new valve. He is still here with neighbors occasionally helping him for minor things. His family had him sell off a lot of furniture so that he only uses 1 bedroom, a study and his living room only has a sofa and chair. So he downsized.

If dad can still walk, toilet and remembers to have meals, maybe the first step is Independent living where he goes to a community room for dinner and his laundry and light housekeeping is done once a week. His friends in the facility will notice if he does not show.

So maybe you need to find an in between living quarters where he really downsizes to an apartment for seniors. If you feel that he may have a rapid downhill slide, there are facilities with 3 to 5 levels of care. In that case a move would just occur in a different hallway and maybe the apartment configuration does not significantly change. Dad and mom could be in the same facility, just different levels of care.

For the COVID issue, just keep wearing masks. N95s are also not hard to find. Unfortunatly, this may go on for the rest of our lives.
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Slavetomydog Sep 2022
Thank you. Yes, it really boils down to whether he is ready for any kind of facility. If he is and is willing to admit it, I would encourage him to move to one here, and mom to a memory care here. The problem is that time is of the essence, and all of this happened within the last week for mom and his urgent healthcare situation. Mom was placed (rightly) in memory care and would not be a good candidate for any lower level of care at this point. I have to decide (along with stepdad) whether to close on the house here ASAP, as in I was supposed to close for them last week but builder had some fixes to do first.
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I don’t see how the deal would work given the current cash needs for moms mc, let alone the fact stepdad would be separated from her and all his community.
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Slavetomydog Sep 2022
Thank you. I have no intention of separating them. Mom is already in a memory care facility there. If we move her to a facility here, their house there would be sold to pay for the house here for him to live in. Or they don't buy the house here and stay there with stepdad at home and mom in care. Or they both come here with stepdad in assisted living and mom in memory care. Problem is I have to decide (with him) on the house here very soon...were supposed to close last week, but issues with the builder prevented that.
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Based on mom being in memory care i would say no.

Step dad needs to prepare for the real future where he may require assistance too and not the fantasy future this new house implies.

I would opt out if this house and be thankful this happened before they closed on the house and moved in.
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Slavetomydog Sep 2022
Thank you. Yes, I think the new house is exactly that at this point....allowing him to cling to a fantasy future. This is all certainly not how any of us planned, but you know what they say about plans!
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If you execute on the new house, that will kick off a lot of new problems - closing and selling previous house, the move, the ongoing issues with the move such as what to keep and pack and unpack, getting rid of the moving boxes and packing materials, etc. Then their disorientation as they settle in. Where will they shop? What is their new drugstore? How do you establish them with their new doctors, of which there will be several, when it may take three months to get them new patient appointments? Who decorates the house, which will presumably need draperies, pictures hung, and so on? Do they need a church? A house cleaner? Drivers license, vehicle registration, insurance and tags for a new state, and do you need to get their car inspected? Moving isn’t easy, especially if they can’t do much themselves. What if they miss their friends and neighbors? Will that be a burden on you if you have to supply all their social needs? You’d be taking on more than you would need to do to keep them happy. It would all be on you. If you can leave them where they are, you’re all likely to be better off. That’s what I would do,
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Slavetomydog Sep 2022
Thank you. Yes, I've been pushing stepdad as we got closer to completion on the new house to let me start setting things up for them here, warning him of wait times for docs, etc. But he seems more and more incapable of facing life's realities/decisions, even before this latest incident. He has been caregiving for mom alone and is totally worn down right now. We never wanted to be his entire world, but if he does move I believe you are right on that also. He's ver gregarious, and makes friends easily, but in today's world that is not easy for anyone.
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I don’t know the law about this in the USA, and it may vary in different states. But where I am, if Stepdad “put a contract on a new build house”, it would be enforceable.

We have our own personal troubles with a house build. Here, house prices have soared and then tumbled, while building material prices have just soared. This makes damages for getting out of a contract quite complex. Please check before you make decisions.
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Slavetomydog Sep 2022
Thank you, already have. All they will lose is $1,000 earnest money. The builder can now sell it for more than their contract price, so would likely be happy if they walk.
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If they are happy where they are and have a friends support network/group they would probably do better in AL/MC where they currently are. And you can "worry" about emergency visits if and when it comes up.
The other option with remaining where they are is finding caregivers that you/they can trust that may have to become 24/7 caregivers as both mom and dad decline if they remain in their house. (although with AL/MC living you do not have to worry about homeowners insurance, maintaining the house, electric bills, gas bills....)

That said though 700 miles is a distance that you have to travel if you need to be there for medical reasons for either of them. Would it be easier if they were in AL/MC closer to you?

And side note, if the New Build house was not built fully accessible I would not even bother with moving in, sell it if it has already been purchased. Do not complete the sale if it has not been done
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Frebrowser Sep 2022
I agree that moving into the new home alone probably isn’t a good idea. I’d think that renting an independent living apartment on the same campus as her new memory care could be good.

If he needs assisted living already, moving into a place with no support isn’t going to work well. Moving temporarily into your place is likely a very bad idea given his willfulness even if he doesn’t currently need help.

Depending on how hot the real estate market is in your area it might be worthwhile to close on the purchase and resell. How much of a deposit is non refundable?
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STMdog
The fact that all this came to light now is fortuitous.

Regardless of whether your parents stay where they are 700 miles away or move near you, it appears the new build is not a good idea.

The only rush at this point is to cancel the contract (if it makes financial sense) and give SDad a chance to recover until he can decide where he wants to live.

Does he have family besides your moms or will you be his caregiver when the time comes?
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Slavetomydog Sep 2022
Thank you. I tend to agree re: the house. I just have to convince him of that as he is reeling emotionally from placing mom in memory care. The housing market is very tight here, so getting another home here or even a rental could take a very long time. The assisted living market may not be quite so tight, but I need to do some research to confirm that. He has a slightly younger brother that is there with him right now, and a son, living further away than me who has become ugly, so I really don't know. I have DPOA and healthcare POA for both of them where needed, but don't do anything without stepdad agreeing, unless it's an emergency.
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