I live with my Mom, and have been here since I cared for my Dad, too, about 6 years. I took care of Dad for the year before he died, and tended to his time at home in hospice before he passed. Since he died, the rest of the family doesn't come to see Mom, or call. She has mild cognitive disorder, so her memory is spotty, but she does not have Alzheimers. My Dad said the house should go to me, but put nothing in writing, so that's a problem, too. My daughter and her two kids spend more time with Mom than all the others combined. Additionally, they are all pretty well off, owning their own homes and having good jobs. I haven't worked outside of this house since I came here. I also proised my Dad I'd keep Mom in this house she loves as long as she wants, and fully intend to. My siblings wanted Dad to go into a home, but I refused and he didn't want to so we did everything we could to keep him home. he died at home
You do have to recognise that this was and is your choice. You could have chosen otherwise, followed your siblings' example, prioritised your own financial wellbeing and let your parents make whatever arrangements best suited them without your input.
As your mother is not too mentally impaired to be able to make her will, she should do that as soon as possible. You should find a well qualified, experienced and reputable attorney to assist her, preferably one who will also advise her on sensible planning for the rest of her life as well.
If you then want the will and any other instructions she wishes to make to go smoothly and be uncontested, you may have NO input into the discussions. If you offer opinions or make any kind of case for yourself, your siblings will be able with some justification to claim that you exerted undue influence on your mother and you will have a potential legal sh*tstorm on your hands if they choose to pursue it.
Your post and its headline speak volumes as to your feelings, with which I can sympathise. My mother's will divided her estate equally between her four children, minus small bequests to grandchildren and charities; whereas her caregiving in the years before her death was anything but equally shared and left me broke, alone and somewhat traumatised. It's not fair! Poor me! But a will is not a list of lifetime achievement awards, it is the free disposition of her estate by the testator; and the sooner you reconcile yourself to that the sooner you will be able to put it behind you and make the best plans for your own future that you can.
Mind you... what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. Your mother should not, either, feel under any obligation to keep the shares equal if that doesn't seem right to her. It's a question of making sure that she is advised and supported to, as Garden Artist puts it so succinctly, do as she pleases.
Is mother aware of the promise your dad made to you? How does she feel about her will?
After my aunt passed and my uncle saw how much one daughter did for him in his final years, he wanted to change their estate plan to leave the house to the caregiver daughter
Problem was that the trust had been set up by both aunt and uncle and he couldn't change it on his own
Both daughters inherited equally according to the original trust
Although it was pre-dementia, the lawyer that drew up mom's documents would not even let me make the appointment for her as to be sure she was acting of her own free will
Two ideas, but in my case, twisted sister beneficiaries, would not have cared for either option. It would have effected their inheritance which is what started problems with payment in the first place.
I'm sorry; definitely doesn't seem fair to you. Is your mother still legally competent? I'd definitely have a little chat with her. Point out what your father said. If she doesn't see your point, then, really, consider how much more effort you want to put into mother-care. Can she stay in her home and hire out care? Can you move somewhere else? I know it's hard after 6 years, but you have to look to your own future, also.
When did your father die? (How long have you known that he didn't put his desire re the house onto paper?)
And I strongly agree with cwillie, about caregivers "getting paid for the work they do not waiting for an inheritance." Parents should be given the dignity of paying their own way, to the extent that is possible. And this eliminates the hard feelings over the will.
If there is virtually nothing available to pay the caregiver as time goes on, then the "payment" could be deferred until after death, and clearly stated in the will. I think this is far less satisfactory than payment all along, because there really is no way to know exactly what will be available at the time the parent dies.
BTW, I was just reading a little about the previous expectation of one child staying in the family home to help parents as they age. Often the youngest daughter had this role, but in some cultures it was a son. The other children were free to make lives for themselves. The one who stayed at home kept the home, since he or she did not have the opportunity to make a home of their own. This was simply taken for granted by the whole culture.
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