my father died on my care but with end stage n of kidney and liver n lung cancer I managed to take him off hospice to take him to country as his wish n passed the following day in peace with his family on the side but am surprised that my brothers who did not want anything to do with his care had their opinion that his father would have used better care than wht I help him for five yrs any way we gave him a decent burial and after calling me name I took flight back home here in USA now mum tells me my brother who thought i didnt care my father .well he has issues with his kidneys too,and its had to get good dialysis in their country n my mum talks like the only position is for him to come here for treatment and I FEEL so mad for them acussing me killing their father how can even say to him I never talk to them sinc i feel I hate them so much
You cared for your father in your home in AZ for 5 years. Brother was not involved.
Father was on hospice, dying of cancer, and you honored his wish to return to his home country.
He died a day after returning home. He was buried in his home country, and you returned to Arizona.
Your brother made hateful accusations about the care you gave your father.
Now your brother has health problems and your mother wants him to come to the US where there are better treatment options.
Did I get that all right?
Does your mother expect your brother to move into your home? Are you expected to become a caregiver again? Is this what your brother wants? Or his brother just going to go somewhere in the US, not necessarily involving you?
How would you feel about helping your brother at this time IF he had not made terrible comments about your care?
Because many people, in the grip of severe grief, look for something to blame. It may be totally illogical and irrational. "If only we had switched doctors in 2011" "If only we hadn't brought in hospice" "If only he did/didn't try to eat the last week" "if only he had professional care instead my sister"
I'm not sure why, but sometimes we want to find something to blame when something terrible happens.
Is it possible that Brother was so overwhelmed with grief (and maybe guilt, since he hadn't helped) that he was talking out of his mind?
If he apologized (I'm sorry I accused you unfairly. I was so upset about Dad's passing I wasn't being logical) would you be able to accept that, and resume a relationship with him?
I agree that your nourishing your anger will mainly harm you. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting but try, even if you need to see a counselor, to air your rightful anger. In the end you'll benefit.
As far as your brother goes, you'll have to decide whether or not you can do what is requested. It seems that you could compromise. Say that you will look into arrangements but that you won't take on full care. This only holds if he can see that the family was unjust to you. If they continue to abuse you, then while you can still forgive, you may have to say that you've done all that you can.
Whatever you decide, I'd suggest counseling. This is a terrible situation to cope with on your own.
Take care of yourself - that matters!
Carol
Don't feel bad if you can't forgive, Instead, try to put him out of your mind pretty fast, saying "Well, that's enough about him. Now I'm going to enjoy the flowers or plan my grocery list or go for a walk." You are entitled to peace inside your own mind and heart, but you will need to push away intrusive thoughts about him.
You did a good job. You know it, your mother knows it, and your father, may he rest in peace, knows it. Remind yourself of that. You didn't do every single little thing right, because we are all only human. But you did a good job for the father you love. Remember that.
My question is - does your brother Still tell people that you have killed your father? Is he still saying this in FaceBook to relatives? If yes, then I wouldn't help him. Imagine if you did? He will be telling more lies to the family back home - behind your back.
If you feel Obligated to help him because of pressure and the guilt-trips from your mother, then gather all the information, give it to her and tell her that she and your brother can do the rest. I would not invite him into your home. You know what will eventually happen. You've been through it with your father. Know your limit of what you feel obligated to do (family pressure) and what you absolutely don't want to do. You know your brother. Base your decision on that. And remember to listen to your gut feelings.
Truly, for all she knows, I was the one who gave him the "overdose" of morphine that finally let him go. Or my brother did it. We didn't keep track, we kept him comfortable. I just let her talk of this go over my head now.
You did the right thing. Respected your dad's wishes. What you are going through with family----read a few boards and you'll see that family dynamics are the bane of most people's existence. The non-involved have the biggest opinions and biggest mouths. Try to stay out of that!