I feel guilty dont know correct answer. Five sibs vary on how much and type of care elderly parents need - Mom with severe arthritis and 4 months post bypass surgery, Dad with demntia and COPD, incontinence. Of course can have differences of opinion but how do we "factualize" needs, take emotions, personal opinions out of equations as much as possble. I stand my ground and offer to do what I can do while keeping parents safe and cared for in my opinion. But then feel guillty when one sib pleads they need 7 days overnite. Or about leaving parents alone one night a week after Dad's had a bad night of waking up and needing have whole bathroom cleaned from his poop. Another sib offers what she can - about one overnite thru 11 am couple of times a month, especially when others are out for some reason, like own health or vacations. Recenlty two on vacation, one health. I made out realistic week plus few days schedule with Mom'a input. At last minute, while sister was doing a Fri. nite to Sat. 11 am stint, she decided parents couldn't do Sat. afternoon thru Sunday dinner time by themselves (as per me and Mom's schedule). But neither she nor my Mom told me about this until Tues. night. Then told me she was overwhelmed by that and didn't get own house hunting and job work done.No one asked her to do that. I don't criticize her for it but it was her decision and she is not able to be there often so doesn't have a real feel for needs. But if someone had let me know, I could've readjusted my own schedule. Now on my own decision, I feel guilty and added another night for myself. So 1. how to "factualize" needs and 2. how to keep myself from feeling guility after surveying situation and making a decsion on how much I can do.
Your profile says that your dad has dementia and that he has left your mom at a store before and had gotten lost driving. I would think it would not safe to leave him unattended. He could wander off and how would your mom stop him? And even though your mom is there, she's disabled with arthritis and is a recent heart surgery patient, right? If she is competent, she can make her own decisions, but, I wonder if she is able to provide around the clock care for your dad, whose condition will progress.
Do you feel guilty because you know that dad should never be left alone and you are not always available OR do you just feel guilty for some unknown reason you cannot specify? I've noticed that is a very common thing with caregivers. I might try to figure that out and address it. If what is being required from you is just unreasonable, then I would have to correct that. I would insist on a written schedule from the siblings as to their caretaking times or hire in-home care providers who are dependable and provide backup if they are sick or unavailable. You can also explore other options like Assisted Living if that is needed.
If you all are not sure what is actually needed in the parent's home, why not have all the siblings meet at the parent's house and make a list of the things they need help with, including being present to supervise dad. Based on their mental and physical health, it seems that might be quite feasible.
You might ALSO hire a professional person to do an assessment. I would make sure the adult children are there for that though, so the person taking the information gets a clear picture of the situation. If they rely only on what the parents say, they may not get the full picture. They need to be aware of dad's dementia and history.
Trying to manage schedules and care with that many people and professional caregivers and nurses thrown into the mix is just too confusing for everyone, including your poor dad with dementia. He needs to be in a routine where the same people are there most of the time doing the same things in a very predictable way. I would start investigating places your folks can go that would provide a continuum of care for both mom and dad. Just by way of comparison, I was caregiving for my mom and dad together for 9 years when my dad passed away. Now 6 years later (14 years in total), my mom is still going strong and it's a daily bit of work for me (by myself). So do you see yourselves doing this as a cohesive group for 10-15 years? Start planning now for the time when everyone agrees that your folks need more help than you can provide as a group. You've done an admirable job to try, but in my opinion, it's beyond your capabilities.
Sit down with Sibling A, with whom you share medical POA, and talk about getting full durable power of attorney so that you can start to manage their finances for when the time comes that your parents can't handle it anymore.
I agree with getting a professional assessment. Geriatric nurse practitioners are an excellent resource who will evaluate every room in the home and make safety recommendations. You and Sibling A can review the recommendations and determine who is going to implement them. What needs a handyman? What doesn't?
You and Sibling A should also discuss whether or not there is money for assisted living or memory care. I think it's important that you understand the realities of your parents finances. What is the budget they have to work with? Can siblings contribute?
How much longer do you think it's realistic to schedule caregiving responsibilities with your siblings? Do siblings have kids and, if so, what's going to happen once school starts?
Prioritize. Prioritize. Prioritize. Do what's urgent first. Niceties can wait. Tackle one or two big things at a time while remembering that you may need to alter plans in the future.
One of the best books about what you are going through is "Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?" by Roz Chast. I would encourage you and all of your siblings to read it. I wish you lots of luck!