Sick of my mom. Am I being overly sensitive because I have caregiver burnout?

hoopsky, I see the parent/child concept in your situation. As soon as your Mom had moved in with you, she once again became the parent, and you are now back to being the child in her eyes. We are now kids, so what do we know. This happens so much that it is common place.

It is very difficult to break. You can try standing in front of a mirror and saying "No, I can't possibly do that" over and over until you feel comfortable saying it.

One idea is to hire a caregiver, but tell Mom it is not for her, but for you as you no longer have the energy to do everything that needs to be done.... cancel those dinners out, too. Hopefully later down the road your Mom will be comfortable with the caregiver that she will let the caregiver take her beauty shop and nail appointments. It's worth a try.

Oh, pay for the caregiver out of your Mother's funds. I assume your Mom gets Social Security.

Hoopsky, you have a lot on your plate. The tragic loss of your husband and now your son’s illness and conditions as well. . . I am so sorry.

I feel that with everything you’ve been through you definitely *need* time with your friends, time for yourself. Also, you are anticipating your son’s medical needs but are also expecting yourself to care for mom (who sounds like a difficult person) as well.

More than burnout, is continuing this situation sustainable and realistic for you?

Are you sure she is "mentally fine"? My mom would do things similar to this - needing socialization and not doing anything to help herself even with many suggestions from me. This was a few years before she was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment and now dementia. She just could NOT do it. Could be the same for your mom.

If I could go back in time, I would do it differently. I would MAKE her go to the senior center - I had thought of going there with her and being a volunteer so that she would go and then I'd back out once she was involved. I would invite ladies over for cards. I wish I had made her a circle of friends when it was still possible. It would have been much better for both of us.

I do the same things as you! Nice to know I'm not the only one! I basically "hide" in my room, to avoid dealing with her. I also don't feel like I should have to check in and keep my mom updated on what I'm doing, where, why and with who! Geeeez I NEVER gave her this kind of detail. She got pissed off when my hubby and I were out working in the yard and barn and she "didn't know where anybody was".

Good luck!

You don't say how old Mom is?

My family knows I am not an entertainer. My kids kept themselves busy. I bought the tools and they kept themselves amused. Not that we didn't play games occasionally. But they learned to amuse themselves. When Mom moved in she was given the lower room of my split level. She had room for her bed, dresser, and recliner with her TV unit. A bathroom/shower to herself. She had Dementia. She never played games or put together puzzles. Didn't do crafts. All she did was read in her spare time. Me, I have a den I spend my days in 2 levels up. I would help her wash up, get dressed and give her breakfast. Then leave her on her own till lunch. I then would feed her lunch and she would go back to her TV. In between all this was toileting or checking up on her. I had a monitor set up. Dinner was eat in or out. So, she ended up with us watching TV till she went to bed about 9 that I helped her with. My husband didn't feel I spent enough time with her. Why not bring her up to the Den. What for? So we can stare at each other. She was not able to carry on a conversation and I hate daytime TV. Its usually quite time on the internet, reading or getting things done. Right then I knew if we ever brought my MIL here we would be with her all day long. TG it did not happen.

I agree that you should tell Mom when you leave and when you return. But, you don't have to give her details on what went on. You did Mom a favor taking her in for the reasons you mentioned. It had to be hard on you with caring for a husband too. She needs to understand that now your son is suffering from the same desease. For now he needs no help but its coming. You deserve to have a life of your own away from the house. You cannot be everything to her. And if your son needs help in the future, you probably will be there to help him and he is the priority. If and when that happens, u will not be able to care for her too. (Hopefully she can read between the lines understanding this LTC for her)

No, your not overly sensitive. Mom needs to understand that you can give her only so much of your life. Without you where would she be? You gave her a home. You see her throughout the day. You have a nice dinner together once a week. Sorry Mom, you can't have my whole life.

P.S. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and now your son's diagnosis. A friend's Grandfather suffered from Huntingtons. He passed it to two of his children, one my friends mother. TG my friend and her children have been tested and do not have the gene. But, her younger sister out if the 4 girls, did. I am 73 and her grandmother babysat me at 4. In all those years, they still haven't found a cure.

Tell mom that this is your house, and this is how it’s going to go:

1. If she insists on 50 bucks or more of beauty service weekly, she can call an Uber, not her sick grandson.

1b. And from now on, she pays for all of it up through her whole ss, plus all of the Ensures and Depends and puppy pads and things only she would use. At least you’re cleaning it up.

2. You owe mom no timeframe other than roughly when you’ll be back.

2b. If she insists that she’s so unstable that she can’t be left alone, or if you yourself see this, you tell her that it’s time for a home.

You've been dealing with and caring for your mother for 6 years now, and you're understandably burned out. It's time for mom to move into Assisted Living now ( or Skilled Nursing) where she'll have plenty of entertainment and other people to schmooze with, and won't need to rely on YOU to be her entertainment committee. Enough is enough, you've done more than your fair share for a long time now. You definitely should NOT have to 'check in' with anyone about what you're doing, where you're going, or whom you're doing it with. Your mother has overstepped her boundaries and definitely overstayed her welcome. You're not being 'overly sensitive', you're suffering from caregiver burnout which you HAVE to address before it affects your health and destroys your well being (more than it already has). Being an only child (which I am also) is enough of a burden in and of itself, and to then have a son with issues that you're also caring for means you've got TOO MUCH on your plate and need to get something off of it before that plate collapses. And since it can't be your son, it's MOM that's got to make other living arrangements, which you can help her do.

Go and scope out the Assisted Living places in your area and see what you think. If mom can't afford to pay the rent in one of them, then look into Skilled Nursing with Medicaid footing the bill. She's got enough health issues to warrant placement in one, that's for sure.

Remember that your life matters too, not just your mother's. In order for this living arrangement to be successful, it has to be working for BOTH of you, and it's not. You're hiding out from your mother and feeling stressed out by her behavior. Meaning it's time she leaves your home, period. I could NEVER have cohabited with my mother again after doing it once as a kid. That was more than enough, let me tell you, so I vowed to never do it again. She lived in Assisted Living and Memory Care until she died, b/c by the grace of God she had the funds to do so from a part time job and profit sharing that paid off. Truly a miracle.

Wishing you the best of luck looking out for YOURSELF now, and finding other accommodations for your mother. You can go visit her in the SNF every day if you'd like, as long as you're no longer housing her in YOUR home.

No, you’re not being overly sensitive! The same thing happened to me. It was stressful for me to have to be with my Mom because she treated me like a child, wanted to know where I was all of the time, followed me, and needed me to bring her along every time I went anywhere. If I told her I was seeing a friend she wanted to come too, and if I said no, would talk badly about that friend and me, and then try to convince me not to go. I had to lie to protect myself from her controlling behavior, and get away from her so that I could breathe.

It’s time to look after yourself now before it’s too late be firmer and tell her you are burnt out and if the situation does not improve tell her you may need to look at putting her in full time care that might make her look at things differently other than that I would just hire help and tell her it’s either that or she goes into care tough love is what it’s called

I’m sorry for all that you’ve been managing, hat’s off to you for your commitment.

I’m wondering if it’s not time for AL or a SNF for your Mom? I would discuss the options with an elder law attorney. I’m concerned about how much longer you can manage this unilaterally.

Sending support.

hoopsky hasn't been back. I am wondering why she had to be the sacrificial lamb 6 years ago to take her mother in. And also wondering why she can't place her in a facility.

You have been kind and compassionate to care for her for years. I’m assuming mom is not willing in check out assisted living facilities so do it yourself and select one for her. Then will come the inevitable hissy fit when you tell her about the new living arrangement. It will be a difficult discussion but you certainly deserve your life back. You’ve done more than enough and have no regrets. It’s time. Hugs and here’s to better days ahead.

The irony of your situation is that your mother is right on one level: it IS common courtesy to let someone you live with know that you are leaving and when you'll be back. Especially when that someone is frail and dependent. But I completely sympathize with you; that level of clinginess in an adult is smothering. Her behavior is creating an intolerable situation of overload for you, which makes you want to run away.

Since running away hasn't worked, I think you are going to have to lay it out for her: no two people can be each other's "everything". Your son needs you, you have friends that you need to spend time with, and you alone aren't enough to fill her world either. Get ready because she will fight, cry, scream, etc. (but isn't she doing that already)?

What I would do is determine what the options are given her financial situation. Perhaps it's (1) paid caregiver/companion in the home, (2) adult day care during the week, (3) assisted living facility. Whatever is available and affordable in your area. Then give her a choice. Current situation of her demanding to follow you everywhere is not an option. If she won't choose you will, and it may not be what she wants. She will think you're mean and accuse you of everything in the book, but your only way out is to be firm. I think you can do it! She's afraid of life going on without her, so she needs to get a life of her own.

Try rephrasing the question to yourself. Is it safe for your mother, and your son, to be dependent on one person for everything. You seem to be in good health at the moment. That is in God's hands and can change in a second. (My healthy daughter, linchpin of the family, was diagnosed with a bad, and quite possibly by the odds, quickly fatal cancer a few weeks ago. This occurred with no warnings or symptoms. She has children, and to this point us, to help. Your family does not. You need to put things in place to help them, and to care of yourself, so that you can still keep helping. I would check resources and present this as a necessity not a choice, to your Mom, and your son also. Your Mom is scared of having to depend on others. We all are basically, but it remains a necessity.

It's time for you to speak plainly to your mother and put all the cards on the table.

You cannot be her her social life as well as her primary caregiver. This has to stop. She needs to be told in no uncertain terms that either she accepts a paid companion coming for her AND whatever conditions you put on her or she will not be living in your home anymore.
When she starts up with the getting mean and belligerent with you because she's not getting her own way or isn't the center of everyone's attention tell her:

'Shut up. I don't care what you think. No one is going to jump because you want or demand something. I do not owe you or anyone else an explanation about where I go or who I see. If you cannot behave respectfully towards me in my home, where I allow you to live then you will be leaving and moving somewhere else'.

This is how you handle a senior brat and it sounds to me like you have one on your hands.

Then you make up a list of your rules and conditions. Have it lamentated and even put a little eyeglasses chain on it so she can wear it around her neck if needs be.
One of these rules is that when you go to bed for the night, the day is finished and she is not to disturb you unless the house is on fire or there's some other serious danger. You take that up immediately no matter what time it is. This is the only way she will ever learn to have an ounce of respect for you and I guarantee she will never wake you up again over nonsense.
No people can be successful in sharing a home if there is not mutual respect among all of the inhabitants of the home. It cannot be done. Your mother may love you very much, but she has no respect for you. Either you demand respect or you put her away. If she's low-income she will qualify for housing vouchers or even Medicaid.
Your life is hard enough having lost your man to Huntington's disease and your son having it too. I had a homecare client years ago who had Huntington's and it is a terrible disease. You certainly do not need the asinine and abusive nonsense of a senior brat on top of the tremendous burden you already carry.
I have a similar problem with my mother who pulls the "common courtesy" nonsense when I go somewhere. I tell her plainly that she has never shown me a moment of courtesy in my life and that it's none of her business where I go or when.
Put your foot down here.
Let me ask you a question. Would she have tolerated this nonsense bratty behavior from you when you lived in her house growing up?
My guess is no she would not have. Nor should you tolerate a moment of it from her.
Please show your mother this post. Tell her it was written by a woman with 25 years experience as an in-home caregiver to sick, elderly, and handicapped people and who has dealt with many senior brats over the years. Most of the senior brats I knew ended up being placed by the family they lived with because they just couldn't take the disrespect, negativity, orneriness, fight- instigating, intrusiveness, verbal abuse, and stubbornness anymore.
They got placed. Believe me no matter how high-end or expensive a managed care facility or AL is, no one is jumps to attention because some senior brat is being disrespectful and demanding. They ignore you. Your mother should be made aware of this.

I would make it a statement rather then a question, here’s what we’re doing.

Hire someone to take the pressure off you and your son, it’s really not up to your mother.
We’re kind of conditioned to listen to our parents even when we’ve out grown those old times.

Good luck, and I hope you find some one wonderful your whole family enjoys having around :)

You most definitely have caregiver burnout. Great term by the way.
I know how you feel. my mom could get very “mean” too.
Listen to her carefully and start using her own language when talking to her. Ie: It’s common courtesy to let a grown woman come and go from her own house…

And remind her that she is a guest in your home that you PAY for and you expect her to be polite.
If you are paying for the respite caregiver then I suggest you not involve your mother in the decision to have one. It would be better to get your age with experience that mom can converse with. Invite caregiver to lunch with you and your mom but don’t tell mom she’s a caregiver (yet) she’ll think she’s going to lunch with you and a friend. Next time you need caregiver, when she gets there grab your purse and leave. Caregivers have a way with stubborn people and give them at least 3 hrs to get to know each. Text caregiver to see how it’s going.

Your mom is playing a guilt card. Play your Ace guilt card on her. You deserve a life and your mother has NO right to keep that from you. You have opened your home to her and in return she makes you unhappy.
Ask her why she likes seeing you unhappy. Play ALL your guilt cards, don’t be shy about it because she’s not. Bottom line you need to speak her language because she’ll understand it then.
Good luck and bless
Sabrina

I’m also 64 and I emphasize with you. If you are over sensitive then I am too. Although mine is my husband of 27 years who is only 14 years older than I am.
He was diagnosed with PD two years ago. He can’t drive. And all what you said. Depends on me. I too, hide.
And it is sad when you have to pay someone to be a social outlet. I’m at wits end.

Of course not. And you do have burnout. Hire a helper whether she wants one or not. Talk to the caregiving agency and let them know she’s a pill, so you get someone who’s thick-skinned. Once you have somebody coming in regularly every week she’ll eventually adjust to it. Who knows she may even make a friend.

My Mrs. was a pill, she never became overly friendly because that’s the way she was and she had Parkinson’s Lewy body dementia but she learn to deal with others in her home. You must do this for yourself for your sanity.

and when I say pill I say that lovingly as we all understand we love those people we are caring for even though they’re driving us crazy.

now, having someone come into your home, you wanna be there when they come. Because you want to see if it’s a good fit or not, so just make it a social event - a couple hours. Also, you want to buy nanny cams. Be clear about what areas in the house they’re allowed to be in and lock the doors otherwise. And no matter how much you like them or how nice they look, you must lock up everything valuable or considered precious to you. no exceptions.

good luck my heart goes out to you💕💐

Things won't change until you change your thinking. Anything Mom refuses is on her: please don't take her anywhere, cancel hair and nail appointments and take yourself out of the equation (you see her as the problem and she sees you as the solution).

Please request an Adult Protective Services counselor evaluate her for Assisted Living and file for Medicaid if she qualifies immediately or will in the future. Perhaps your son is eligible for Assisted Living and Medicaid, too? Is he already receiving Social Security Disability (no need to answer that question here).

Better to be a visitor than a care taker if longevity is a goal of yours.

Please set an appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist who can evaluate and medicate if needed. Please make your health and happiness a priority. When your loved ones are placed safely, please consider a wellness retreat: just Google wellness retreat and see what comes up.

Everyone deserves to be happy, but not at the expense of others..........don't let your happiness pass you by.

You would benefit from reading "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.

"Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. If I know where my yard begins and ends, I am free to do with it what I like. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. However, if I do not “own” my life, my choices and options become very limited."

"If we feel responsible for other people's feelings, we can no longer make decisions based on what is right. Instead, we will make decisions based on how others feel about our choices. If we feel responsible for other people's displeasure, we are being controlled by others, not God. This is a basic boundary disturbance. When we take responsibility for other's feelings we are crossing over their boundaries. We should always be sensitive to other's feelings about our choices. But we should never take responsibility for how they feel."

~(What Do You Mean “Boundaries”? by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend)

You're a wonderful daughter whose boundaries are being violated by your mother who should be grateful that she has all of the loving care that you provide for her instead of trying to control you and invade your private life.

And I get it. I was raised with zero boundaries and didn't even know that I had a right to them until a friend witnessed the same dynamic between my mother and I and she suggested the boundaries book.

Well, sounds like you are burnt out alright. Don’t let her run the show. For her companionship, see for theres adult daycare near you so you could drop her off a few hours a day. It’s either that or hiring caregiver to be with her while you go out and do things. Or the other solution is nursing home for her.

She won’t like it and it’ll be an uphill battle, but she needs to do one of the three things above. She will have more enjoyment with people her own age. You need to be running your own life. She shouldn’t be tagging along with you.

Perhaps have a social worker or her Dr explain to her it’s better for her own health to socialize with her peers, whether in a daycare or nursing home. Good luck.

If you and your friends are able to support you in this, perhaps set a date to meet up with you and your Mom at an adult daycare center. Make it an event to introduce her to it and when she sees it can be fun and social then she may not fight you for taking her there and dropping her off next time. You are not wrong to feel how you do. Might need to get creative to make the transition easier though. Maybe introduce a home caregiver as a new friend.

Caregiver burnout or not, you are being mistreated. I am 64 as well, and my mother is 85 and very demanding, determined & entitled. Many in this generation ahead of us expect their children (daughters especially) to care for them infinitum. While they suffer from what many elderly do in later years, this generation is very angry. They don’t want to get old or suffer (who does?) and the expectations of their retirement age grown adult children is unreasonable at best and outrageous at worst. My solution after years of answering my mother’s beckon call, was to move 3 hours away (not far enough). You have to remove yourself as a resource and they will have to fill the void with others. Your mother may live longer than you expect, she may outlive you. Take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy at this stage of your life. We are not indentured servants to our parents.

Here’s another ‘small step’ suggestion. Go out (shopping?) with mother and a ‘friend of yours’ – actually a carer. Part-way through, you have to leave them together while you do something, and be gone for at least an hour. You’ve been held up. Carer/friend has your phone number, mock-phones and says it’s going to be an hour. Carer takes M for a coffee or whatever, and they have to chat. Repeat until M ‘knows’ carer.

Just because she says something, you do not have to reply. It is normal to feel like we have to verbally respond to everything a parent or anyone else says, but we do not! Just let her say whatever she is saying, and go about your next thing ....even if it means going into the next room or going outside ...maybe to check the flowers or take out the garbage.....anything to break the cycle and not engage her in what she wants....your information..... Another thing to try to practice is to redirect the conversation with something else, like maybe, what do you want for dinner, or something about the weather, or anything neutral to talk about.

As a teacher you managed student classroom behavior well, I am sure; all teachers are expected to do this and know the value in this. When it comes to the behaviors of a parent, somehow people do not think the same applies; well it does....

You may need to have her assessed at the next doctor's visit and, seek input from her physician about what level of care she actually needs ; ask the dr. for a referral to a case manager who can work with you and your mother to both assess the situation and provide some options for support; for both of you well being. Parents/ patients do not like change , but it is inevitable ; you can also tell her that it is for her safety also that you have someone else coming in to help and get to know her, in case you were ever ill ; you would know that someone knew how to take care of her.

Get help and do not feel guilty about this. Parents are pros at making adult children feel guilty. You do not have to provide her with every detail of your life .... go where you want, do what you want..... do not explain.....

You can also remind her that the now late Queen Elizabeth 's favorite saying was
" don't complain, don't explain".

If you are associated with any faith/church/synagogue etc. also please consider enlisting the support of the paster, rabbi, or other faith leader to provide the neutral presence to speak with you and your mother together and/or 1:1.

Also she may qualify for hospice care...... since you mentioned cancer and a host of other conditions. Hospice will be glad to come out, talk with you about their services and arrange for an evaluation/assessment of your mother for her appropriateness. Hospice can provide a host of support for both of you.
and, hospice is not about dying, it is about living with a quality of life in the midst of life limiting illnesses ( which it sounds like your mother has ).

Get help, try one or all of the above..... and do not feel guilty ! and do not back down from her......

You are exhausted as a caregiver and, you are being manipulated by the parent.

hoopsky: Perhaps it is time that your mother had residence in a managed care facillity. You've done the caregiving for six years.

Sounds like mom needs assisted living..she has too many needs for one person.. my mom called me her “best friend”…I got exhausted and resentful. my mom adjusted beautifully to her assisted living and calls it “home”. We spend some quality time together. They have a hair salon and a nail day weekly. Friends her own age and lots of activities. The jobs still tough but so much better now!!

No, you most certainly did not HAVE to have your mom move in with you. You made a choice, and as most always happens when adults live with elderly parents, it ended badly.

Put her in a Medicaid nursing home if she cannot afford a better place.

No I am sick of my mom too and I can't wait until I can go out and start dating and marry a man so I can FINALLY move out and leave this horrible situation!

I am sorry that you are going thru this. Right now just breathe! You are not being overly sensitive. You are a caring person trying to help your mom. This can drain you to the point that you are not taking care of yourself. Please call county of aging for support. You might want to consider getting home health care or a nursing facility. Talk to her doctor or a geriatric case worker, to help you through this. You need time to smile and enjoy your life. Take a moment and call for help. You are not alone.
Please take care of yourself. I am sure your son will agree with me.