I had to have my mom move in with me 6 years ago due to failing health and lack of money. She is mentally fine but physically frail and uses a walker 24/7. She has heart failure, low kidney function, colon cancer and many other on again, off again health issues. I take her to all her doctor appts, medical tests, etc. My adult son (who has Huntington's disease) takes her to her weekly hair appt and to get her nails done but I know his ability to do that will be coming to an end in a few years. I was widowed 5 years ago (from Huntington's disease) and am an only child so I have no one to help me. My son has mild cognitive impairment and I have to do all his paperwork for his medical and disability along with going with him to his doctor appointments. He had a heart attack in May so he's not healthy either.
My mom desperately needs companionship and I don't have anything left in me to do that for her. Yet, she refuses to even try to make friends and constantly pushes me to tag along when I do things with my friends. I have suggested hiring a helper who could take her out to lunch, come to the house to visit or make her lunch, take her to her beauty appts., etc. but she refuses. She believes she doesn't need this because she has me to do those things for her. I take her out to dinner once a week, just me and her. Yet she won't let it go and hounds me about bringing her with me when I go out. I have been firm about that boundary but then she is mean, says nasty things and refuses to help around the house doing what she still can.
I'm so burnt out I find myself hiding in my bedroom when I'm home to avoid having to "fix" something or listen to her. When I do have plans with my friends, I have to sneak out of my own house (that I own) to avoid her. She wants to know where I'm at constantly and gets mean when I don't tell her what I'm doing. Then she tells me it’s a common courtesy to let her know when I leave and when I arrive home along with giving her details of what I've been up to. I'm 64 years old, a retired teacher, and don't feel I should have to "check in" with anyone about what I'm doing, whom I'm doing it with, or where I'm going. Am I being overly sensitive because I've got caregiver burnout?
I'm less than half your age and I'm in the same boat. I've had to help my mom for over a dozen years and she's been immobile since 2018. She's nearly 4 years removed from cancer treatments and she's still feeling the effects. She refuses to do PT for fear of Covid and won't get extra help for fear of both Covid and getting robbed blind. She doesn't know or realize this, but a family friend recently reached out to her niece, a physical therapist, and she said that unless she really works at it, she may never walk again. My mom will soon be 71.
She has pretty low expectations. She hasn't tried taking a step in who knows how long and regularly needs help getting her legs on and off the bed, but thinks that her sitting up straight and eating stuff in fewer amount of days than before is somehow proof she's improving.
Her laziness, stubbornness, and paranoia are doing her in. And she's become a threat to my sanity and livelihood. With all she's done with working me to death and destroying my life, she's lucky I still want to be her son and I don't want to disown her. She told me recently I'll get the biggest mansion in Heaven when I die. She doesn't understand that if she continues to work me to death, I'll be getting that place in Heaven a lot sooner than expected.
Bob you need to face facts your mother will not walk ever again. Not because she can't but because she won't.
You remind me of the son in the movie What's Eating Gilbert Grape. You should watch this movie.
You would be lucky if your mother got covid and passed because sadly that is the only way you will ever get your life back.
This weird and sick dance you are in with your mother is insane and your mother should be ashamed of herself for doing this to you.
You, mother, son.
Sounds like caregiver burnout as the reason you are not seeing the whole picture accurately.
Should your son with Huntington's, heart attack, and mild cognitive impairment even be driving? Taking his grandma?
When living with others, it is a courtesy to let them know where you are going (out), and when you will be home. Try putting an arrival time posted on the bathroom mirror, especially if you are considered a caregiver for your son and mother. You are correct, your mother is being intrusive into your life and you need to have some private time. An assessment can help to determine if she needs more care than you can provide.
And, respite care for your Mom can be arranged, so you can avoid burnout.
I think it's great that you're one of those rare seniors who understands that their adult children/grandchildren/people in general do not want to listen to incessant complaining and negativity about your pains and problems and conditions. Keeping family in the loop about what's going on is different than your problems being the only interaction and communication a person has with their family.
After a while even the most loving, compassionate, and empathetic person can't take anymore.
I have no relationship with my mother and we've been living together for some time (I'm leaving come the new year).
Our relationship my entire life since I was a little kid has been her negativity, narcissism, neediness, and bullying.
She never cared what she ruined. She's elderly now and needs care and it's gotten worse. I will not care for her anymore because I don't want to.
You're doing your family a favor by realizing what the complaining, stubbornness, and negativity does to them. I'm sure they love and respect you for being such a good and kind mom who doesn't lay this trip on her kids. I hope the know how lucky they are.
Also, I hope you have a great birthday coming up.
you have a heavy burden and definitely need help. Maybe you should hire someone to help you with your mom. Even a couple of days a week for 5 hours would be a great help for you. Blessings to you.