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Hello, my mom is 76 years old. I am living with her, temporarily, as I had to come back to New Mexico after my divorce. I have noticed my mother's anxiety is off the charts. She cleans excessively and she found a bug in her bed. This led to having to change the bed, me calming her down (she was in tears), and everything I do annoys her. She refused to sleep in her bedroom until the exterminator comes out to spray.She really hates my dogs, for one, as they do normal dog things like shed, track in a bit of mud, etc.
She still can do all basic hygiene and can remember most things, but will be absent minded a bit. I have plans for my own life in a couple years, and she has talked about moving closer to her sister. Is this irritability a just old age? She has a hard time sleeping and her anxiety is hard to see.

It sounds as though your mother would prefer you NOT to be living with her. We usually hear this the other way around! She doesn’t like your dogs, she didn't like the bug/s that turned up after you moved in, and she has different hygiene/ cleaning ideas. You seem to have assumed that your own life changes mean that you (and the dogs) can naturally stay with her for a couple of years. That her irritability is just old age – a sign of ‘mental decline’.

She is my own age, and if my daughters tried this one on me, they would get more than ‘irritability’ in reply!
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Isthisrealyreal Jul 30, 2024
I agree. Moms life has been hijacked and it is showing.

Doggymom, go get your own place, bringing multiple animals to someone else's home because you need a place to live is very self-centered, imo.

My dad wanted to bring 4 of the 8 dogs he and his wife had, nope, 1 was it and that was being generous. My world wasn't going to be hijacked by a selfish senior that thought they were more important, even though he was the one that needed a place to stay. Don't be one of those!
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There's no need for your mom to live with such crippling anxiety, not nowadays when meds are available to address the issue. Even issues that "run in families" should be addressed by medical professionals and medicated accordingly.

My mother was so anxiety ridden and OCD her whole life, refusing to treat it, that she wound up driving everyone else crazy! Once she went on Wellbutrin, she calmed down quite a bit......at 86 years old! 😑

Don't write things off to "old age" without getting them checked out. Crying over a bug is not normal. Whether mom hates having you and your dogs around we cannot say. Just ask her. If that's the case, and it's your house she is living in, drive her over to her sisters place. Although two anxiety ridden women living together w/o addressing their issues sounds like hell on earth to me......


Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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No it's not mental decline, but rather that your mom is not enjoying living with you anymore.
So help her find a place of her own, so you and she can have peace in your lives, where you both can do what you want, when you want and if you want.
Living with someone that you're not used to living with can be very stressful and cause great anxiety. I'm guessing that once mom is on her own that her anxiety will decrease tremendously.
Plus since you're newly divorced, you really need to be living on your own anyway, so you can truly enjoy the life ahead of you, without all the extra drama.
Don't you think you had enough drama with your ex-Mark? Or are you one that thrives with lots of drama in their lives?
The older I get, the less drama I want in my life, however I know that you are much younger, and perhaps haven't reached that stage yet.
But you can't put a price on peace, and that is worth far more than any drama, and peace cannot coexist with drama. So take your pick.
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DoggieMom86 Jul 30, 2024
Yeah, I am just unsure where my mom would go. She doesn't want to move back with my brother and the only other option would be her sister in Arkansas. I guess being in her 70s too much change kicks up her anxiety. She has had anxiety for years, but it's getting a lot more severe with age.

I hate seeing her stressed and I love her, but I am unsure what to do. I make any kind of noise and it sort of annoys her.
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Whether or not there’s mental decline would need a complete evaluation by a neurologist to determine. As for anxiety, my dad definitely developed this. His doctor was excellent in discussing this with him and added a small daily dose of Zoloft. It was a gift to dad, calming the sadness and anxiety that so often had overtaken him. Perhaps it’s time to go with mom to her doctor and ask about this
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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I am not sure I could live with my adult daughter and her pets. I would probably have some anxiety of my own. lol We live very differently and have our own routines and what not.

I think helping your mom move closer to her sister so that she can enjoy her golden years would be a nice thing that you could help her with.

At the age of 76, she does need to put some things in place so that when she does need assistance, POA (financial & medical) has already been established.

My mom had a lot of anxiety and had a hard time making decisions in the beginning of her decline. A visit to someone who specializes in dementia would not be a bad thing for your mom.
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Reply to Jamesj
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Isn't everyone absent minded at times?

It sounds to me like you and your dogs have a great deal to do with exacerbating your mother's anxiety. It's her home.

If I were you, I would make plans to move out ASAP and allow your mother to live as she pleases without animals in the house and without you putting her under a microscope. Especially since everything you do annoys her.

We often perplex ourselves with imaginary troubles. We decide that things are worse than they are so we set out to fix them and end up making them worse.
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MargaretMcKen Aug 6, 2024
I made the same assumptions as you to begin with, that it was M's home and OP should move out. In fact it's OP's tenancy and home, and M has moved in. I would also not like the dogs, but M made the choice to move in with them.
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Looking back, crippling anxiety was one of the first symptoms of my father-in-law's cognitive decline. He was put on sertraline a few years ago now and it's helped.
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DoggieMom - It sounds like your mom has not lived alone for a long time. (ever?) It also sounds like it is hard for her to live with anyone, as she is not very adaptable. Does your brother want her back, or were they happy to ship her to you and get a break?

Her idea of moving in with her also anxiety-ridden older sister is likely to not go well either. People like this tend to think a move will be all "roses-roses" and generally that honeymoon period is very short-lived.

At mom's age, a good option right now may be to find her a place of her own, maybe a senior apartment, where she can live close to one of you, but not WITH one of you. Either you or your brother would fall into the over-seer role for a time, but YOU can limit her demands to fit YOUR schedules.

If she goes to the 10-year-older anxiety-ridden sister, your mom will most likely be called on a lot, and she will likely become the caretaker of big sis. With Mom's anxiety, it is really doubtful that she could handle that role!
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Reply to EmilySue
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I agree with others to have her see her doctor and discuss meds for her anxiety (and maybe depression?) This is merciful. She maybe should also get a baseline cognitive/memory exam. At my free annual Medicare wellness check they asked me if I wanted that test (which is included for people over a certain age) and I said yes. My Mom (95) started the lowest dose of Lexapro this spring for depression and it helped her a lot.

She should really be in IL or AL so that she can have her own private space/life to help reduce her anxiety and give her kids their own lives. Whoever she lives with will become her caregivers eventually.

Who is her PoA?
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DoggieMom86 Jul 30, 2024
She is mentally competent so she does not have PoA. Her sister, who is ten years younger really wants her to move with her as they have similar temperaments. I guess she should see the doctor if for no other reason her anxiety. Depression and anxiety run in the family.
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Your mom is starting to show signs of cognitive decline. She may have suffered with anxiety and depression all along too. See if your mom is willing to see a doctor. She is probably fearful of accepting the fact that she is going through these changes. My mom was in denial. It will get worse if she isn't treated for her anxiety. Please try to encourage your mom to see a doctor.
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