How do I put up with a nasty sister and brother-in-law who went behind our backs to get mom to live with them?

Hi daughter2,
First breath---Things are not too bad. From a previous post from yesterday, I believe, you said you talked to your Mom and she sounded happy. That is very good! Now- I have to ask this- and be honest- are you truly worried about your Mom's welfare right now- are you worried she is in harm's way OR are you more worried that your sister is going to spend all of your Mom's money while she is in her care and then drop her off at your door step? Both instances are worrisome but the first much more so, IMO. If you are truly worried that your Mom is being abused and/or neglected you must call APS. And they will ask your concerns and using drugs (I assume illegally- now of days not sure) should be mentioned. In my opinion if you are more concerned with the financial aspect of this situation than a slower pace can be assumed - talk with an attorney. I do not know much about the legalities of caregiving but hopefully someone who does will chimein.

Can I make a suggestion-this is my opinion. If you start dealing with outsiders to help with your Mom's situation you may want to refrain from mentioning how educated you are etc... this kinda comes off , er, I don't know - just it doesn't seem important. Many people who are not well educated make wonderful caregivers- your sister may not be one of them but her lack of education is not the reason. Just my opinion.

I wish you the best of luck!!!

So "free" advice may be worth at least half of what it costs, but here goes, OK?

First of all, NO ONE is at their best right after a death (not you, not your Mom, notyour sis). If this behavior is atypical of your sister, ignore it. The personal insults? Her insecurity, not your problem. It sounds like you are going to have to be the "adult" no matter what her (bad) behavior is.

The money? You appropriately called APS (good job!). Report to "licensure board"? What license does your sister have that would be at risk? Attacking your sister will likely backfire, since your Mother probably loves BOTH of you, but if the public is in danger because of your sister's drug use...maybe.

So. What now?

I assume that your mother has enough to live on if the money is spent carefully. Do NOT NOT NOT give your mother any money to help her out. Offer that you are willing to take over organizing the bill paying, that she can come live with you if she's out of money, or whatever, but do NOT bail her out. If this living situation isn't going to work you'd rather it to crash, burn, & sink sooner rather than later. Any cash put in to keep the ship afloat will just go down the drain. That said, your sister IS entitled to some money for helping care for your Mom (groceries, utilities, help with rent, etc.). If the bills are paid (health ins., etc) and your Mom is fed, clothed, has some spending money, and gets medical and dental care don't worry if your sister "takes" the rest of the money to care for her. I don't think it is the issue here, but I've known several families where one sibling was furious that another was "taking advantage" of a parent by living in the family house "for free" for years while being paid several hundred dollars a week for caring full-time for a parent with dementia --puhleese!!! As long as your Mom's assets aren't being (further) raided it's probably OK to let things go as they are (though it may be grating to watch).
Just a suggestion --You can try stepping in now (if your Mom has assets left -- house, ins. policy, etc) or, if there isn't anything you can waid until your Mom "is short on money" (I would expect this to happen in about 3-6 months if your sis is squandering your Mom's $ - that's how long it takes for bills to be overdue & start calling). At that point you offer one-time financial help only...BUT only if you take over as your Mom's financial manager to make sure it doesn't happen again. The bills get paid first, your Mom get's a spending allowance, and the remainder goes to your sis to pay for household expenses to help offset your Mom's living expenses (as long as she gets some $ out of it your sis may go for it). The money gets doled out weekly, and/or a very low-limit credit card for groceries only, or utility bills are paid directly --whatever ensures that your Mom has a safe place to live & enough food. You can expect a temper tantrum from your sis about this if she is spending the $ on drugs, but she won't be in a very good position to argue if the bills are over-due and the money is all MIA.

I'm sure your attorney friends have already adressed it, but If there are significant assets that could be raided (life insurance, house, trust fund, etc) you should probably step in immediately.

OK, now for the immediate family stuff.
Your husband is an adult, and if it were his family you'd be supporting him. I'm assuming he is supporting you as best he can through this. If your daughter's grades are falling because of your issues with your sister you may need to protect her a bit from some of the blow-by-blow detail of what is going on so that she isn't carrying an emotional burden that isn't hers. It is wonderful that she is so caring, but at 11 there is nothing that she can legally do (but let her know how much her emotional support means to you! Sounds like you've raised a great kid). Your Mother's life isn't in danger, so it's more of a grown-ups only battle.

Be prepared in the end for a less-than-ideal situation. Your Mother living with you would cause stress of different sorts (not to say don't do it, but it won't be peaches & cream).

Best of luck, and focus on your Mom rather than fighting with your sister (VERY hard to do, by the way).

I understand you want your mom's best interest but she made her decision to live with your sister and brother in law. If you can't change anything at the moment, you can change your perspective. Is your mom fed, bathed, and taken care of? If so, then that is what you need to focus on.
Your sister didn't do anything illegal except that she is accountable for her own health. So really you don't have a legal issue here without any evidence. You are free to sue your sister and brother in law but it is hard to "win" a court battle based on emotion the repurcussions is that you'll just end up with expensive legal fees.

I am so glad to hear that your father-in-law, who lost his wife several weeks ago, is "worth it" to make a 2-hour round trip to visit for Easter. Do you always tote up the cost and determine whether interaction with family is "worth it"? How dreary.

And I know (because you are quite vocal about it) that you are educated and successful and important, while your sister didn't go to college and has a job "barely giving first aid" and, gasp, smokes pot!! OMG. Does she have an occasional glass of wine with dinner, too?

You sister went behind your back and moved close to your mother?! OMG! How dare she? Certainly that was sneaky plot to ... do what, exactly? And she invited your mother to live with her. And that was behind your back because you were in Outer Mongolia, maybe, and didn't have frequent talks with your recently widowed mother?

Smart and educated as you are, even the mother of a straight-A preteen no less, I'm surprised you couldn't figure out that it might not be good to air your distress over your sister in front of a young girl who has just lost two of her grandparents within a few weeks. But somehow you make this sound like it is your sister's fault.

Many, many caregivers post here about the heartbreaking challenge of getting an elderly parent to give up driving, for the parent's safety and the safety of those who share the road. Your concern? How to avoid riding in a car he is driving.

It is extremely stressful to lose family members you love. I hope what we are seeing in your posts is the stress and anxiety of your present situation, and doesn't reflect on your real values.

(BTW, when I have had to call EMTs for my mother or my husband, I certainly did not consider what they did as a profession to look down my nose at!)

Whoa, Debralee! Jeanne is just the opposite. There are people here who do think we owe our parents no matter what. Jeanne is not one of those people. She is a practical minded person who offers well thought out advice. Sometimes she steps on toes, but many of us do that. She always gives spot-on advice.

Daugher2, I think it was more the way you said things that tweaked some people. I haven't been following your threads closely, mainly because my advice wouldn't have been all that great. It would have been to either get totally involved or totally uninvolved. I don't know what expenses were covered by the money taken from the checking account. I wasn't sure if it had anything to do with the funeral or moving your mother. It isn't difficult to spend $2-5 thousand during such times. That is not much money these days. If it will worry you to see money being spent, then get with your sister to draw up a budget for your mother or don't worry yourself by checking to see if checks have been written.

I like that you are involved in animal rescue. I know you have a good heart. Your way of writing is probably what caused some people pause. It is apparent that you are very upset with your sister.

BTW, I don't smoke marijuana, but I don't mind if someone else does. However, it is illegal in KY, so you may not want to pursue that against your sister. That could end up hurting her and coming back on you, since your mother lives with her.

There's no way 1-2 people could spend over $6K on weed. Crack-cocaine is another story altogether; which might be the reason they were so bent on getting Mom to move in. I shudder at the thought of her becoming curious enough to try whatever they're smoking or sniffing.

For the moment, your Mom is their piggy bank and they're going out of their way to keep her happy. But they'll probably kick her to the curb or drop her off at your house when there's no more $.

If Mom starts behaving erratically and seems more temperamental than usual, she's probably addicted. After all, no one who experiments with drugs believes s/he will get hooked. I hope this isn't the case.

It's not my intention to alarm you, but to consider all the possibilities.

Everyone is giving you great advise. I'd add to it think carefully before you begin talking about moving your mother to your house. You already have a lot of responsibilities. It doesn't make you a bad person if your mother, who it sounds like needs a lot of care, were to be in a nursing home. I would work on gathering all the paper work needed for assistance. You, can not, and should not , feel that you have to do everything.

Glad the comments you are getting here helped. Iit sounds like you are beginning to recover emotionally. It does sound like you and your sister both have your Mother's best interest in mind, which is fabulous (again, soooo much better than others on this site!!!).

I think the $100k trust and either you or an attorney as trustee is a really good idea, especially if you can approach your sister graciously and it can be done without creating hostility in the family. It could take a lot of pressure off of your sister (and stop people from mooching-- some elders just can't say "no" to kids, grand kids, charities, etc).

Does APS do anything in your neck of the woods? Hard if your mother is still competant, but what your sister & her husband are doing does sound like financial abuse of an elder. With the $6700 spent lickety-split without your Mother being aware of it they might be willing to step in. Might the life insurance co put a "hold" on the second check until APS checks everything out? Don't know if that's possible. Sometimes a bank will be willing to freeze an account on suspicion of fraud, but given that it is an inter-family matter...again, hard to say. In CA you can petition for conservator of the estate if it is shown that your Mom is unable to handle her finances or vulnerable to undue influence (letting your sis spend $6700 thinking it was for rent could prove your Mother's inability to manage finances).
I know it's frustrating you can't make your sis become responsible, but you MAY be protect your Mother's finances. Sure glad you have lawyer friends, otherwise it your Mom's entire estate would be spent on fees.

Financial abuse is a real problem with the elderly. I hope the missing funds were not spent on drugs and needless things. If APS finds a problem they will remove your Mom from the situation.

When you see your Mom talk straight with her. Ask her directly about the money. Ask her directly if she's happy. Talk to her. If she is of reasonable mind, she'll answer you as best she can. Watch for visual clues of coercion. If your Mom wants out... take her out. Immediately.