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My oldest sister (whom I'd previously been quite close to) started becoming very nasty to me as soon as I started taking care of Mom. It got worse when I began seeking her help, but it started before that actually. I couldn't understand it at all. She became like a different person - hostile, suspicious, fault-finding, nothing I did was right anymore. After several years and long consideration, I believe she was hoping that Mom's aging would put her in the central role, and she would finally have the appreciation and attention that she had always wanted from Mom but never had. Not that I had it either, but I think I became in her mind the concrete reason why she wasn't getting it. Not that she even stepped in to help, but she had been sick a lot earlier that year and I think she believed I took advantage of her illness to usurp her favored role with Mom. It's crazy, and I would never have expected it. It's just what I managed to put together over the years based on the particular things she got upset about and the particular ways she expressed it. Like when I was griping to her about how demanding Mom was being, suddenly blowing up and shouting at me: "I think you ought to be grateful for your own good health." Like that had anything to do with it. In mind, it didn't. But in her mind, maybe it did. So I think competitive but maybe guilty too. Maybe in her mind you're making her look bad, and some people can't stand that.
I know with me and my sister she has always been competitive with me. She always has to be the smartest, prettiest, etc. I've always been happy to be in the background.
When it became apparent that My Mom needed extra care I just stepped into that role voluntarily. I didn't check in with my siblings. When I saw that something needed to be done I just did it. My siblings knew this was going on and as long as I was the one doing everything they could go to bed at night knowing my mom was fine because of me.
I think now my sister resents me cause she can't be number one in this situation cause I know how to provide for my mom better than she ever could and she knows this and it bugs her.
Could this possibly be the case in your situation pamrs 1?
One reason. She is feeling guilty! She feels as if she should do more but because of her responsibilites and schedule she is unable. If you wern't helping and mom was in a facility would it be different? I don't think so. The tasks will still be there but will become different. My sibs are very angry with me and just want mom in a facility. It is coming soon. Then they will find out how difficult caregiving is.
Pamrs1 ... You have received great input here, but I have one question. What makes your sister think/realize the contributions you are making? Are you enumerating the tasks you do (without doing it 'for credit') And she feels she has less to discuss?
2 quick personal related stories. When my Mom started the slippery decline into dementia, I was trying (without success) to enlist more aid from my brother. It was a constant source of disappointment for me. I believe he and his wife were shocked at the steps I was taking to help Mom. One holiday, my sister-in-law literally cornered me and strongly told me I shouldn't give up so much time to help my Mom. I couldn't belive the conversation, here we are 5 years later and that relationship is (very) slowly mending.
MY mil is in assisted living. There are 5 kids, 3 w/spouses, 7 granchildren some in their 40s. From my perspective my weekly visits produce more than the whole lot of others combined. I report to my husband what I observe and insist that he NEVER mention to his siblings ANYTHING that I do. I know they would resent me big time. None of them are 'caregivers'. I organize her drawers, bring her body wash when she is getting low, clean her comb and brush, clean up her apt, put her laundry away, etc. I observe and DO. But I never allow it to be discussed as it would cause great resentment. I think the sibs believe that the aides in an understaffed AL have time to wash the dishes that the sibs leave in the sink!
My suggestion is to think back on conversations and see if you may be inadvertently talking about some things you did and sister feels she doesn't have as much to discuss. On top of that, one of my brothers was in such denial over my Mom's situation that he had barely accepted it by the time she passed!
Geewiz & Countrymouse - I am absorbing all your suggestions. I seem to relate to your "ways" the most. This has been a very helpful place for me to discuss such private matters. I do not like to talk to others about "my problems" because everyone's life is stressful enough. This site is turning out to be very helpful and I am very surprised at the amount of responses so far. And, yes, my conversations with sis are on the phone more than in person because we split our visits with mom so she gets more help. Occasionally we see her on the same day to make it more stimulating for mom. However, there have been those few times when I get yelled at. We update each other a lot via email or text so we don't repeat the same "tasks" but I like your advice about not "enumerating". I don't think I do that, but maybe it looks that way because I'm able to visit more. I thought of something else...my sister would be a very different caretaker than me. She is much more loving, TLC type, and great with food and making things pretty. I am more clinical, a bit detached, and just work within the nursing home food menu and the things they provide. I know she wants my mom to have more of her style of care. That bugs her a lot. Maybe she gets mad at me because I don't care for mom like she does. I think we compliment each other. I feel lucky mom has two of us so she gets a little of both types of care.
Pamrs, it could be for all sorts of reasons jumbled up together that even your sister hasn't untangled for herself - maybe she doesn't know what's upsetting her, exactly, either. But I wouldn't be surprised if at least part of it is anger about the unfairness and fear involved in the whole situation, that then gets directed at you because… well, because you're noticeably there. Pull her up short when it's happening, maybe, and ask her straight out what's going on?
Geewhiz.... it's so sad! How those of us that step up and DO things for our elderly family in need are the ones criticized, put down, and attempted to be controlled. I feel your pain with your sister-in-law telling you you "shouldn't" give up so much of your time taking care of your mom. My aunts did the same with my mom. And now, your'e helping your MIL. Why can't people just appreciate the love and care that you (all caregivers) give and not get so jealous and critical?! Because they personally feel guilty that they see YOU/us doing all these things, and they're not, so they feel bad about themselves and try to put you/us down, or bring us to their place of not helping. Still, just baffles me that adults act that way!
My sister went off on me (uncharacteristically) on the phone from across the US. This was on my Dad's birthday, and I had to yell back to defend myself and make her stop being CRAZY and attacking me. TURNS OUT, she was very very shaken by the fact that my Dad didn't understand what you do with lit candles on a birthday cake (make a wish and blow them out), and her extreme emotion of sadness somehow got turned into venom directed at me. She later explained, apologized, was embarrassed, and said I have a credit for the future. I may have to use that credit (of forgiveness) some day, because life is so challenging and exhausting- I don't think I'd go bonkers- but I don't know that. Anyway, I thought I'd share the story because it might show some similarity to your situation. No one is their normal self, and I think if you repeat some of her own words back to her (as I had to do), she might snap out of it enough to realize what is causing her to be this way right now. My incident was just once, but maybe some part of my thoughts could help you.
Thanks ccflorida - this whole dementia thing makes us all crazy. Very challenging. Your story is helpful. Sad and funny at the same time. Good thing that only happened once to you (so far)! I'm sure it will happen to me again and I will try my hardest to get her attention that she is "going off". I wish all of you who have contributed to this discussion many good happy days in the future. We need some of those too.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
When it became apparent that My Mom needed extra care I just stepped into that role voluntarily. I didn't check in with my siblings. When I saw that something needed to be done I just did it. My siblings knew this was going on and as long as I was the one doing everything they could go to bed at night knowing my mom was fine because of me.
I think now my sister resents me cause she can't be number one in this situation cause I know how to provide for my mom better than she ever could and she knows this and it bugs her.
Could this possibly be the case in your situation pamrs 1?
2 quick personal related stories. When my Mom started the slippery decline into dementia, I was trying (without success) to enlist more aid from my brother. It was a constant source of disappointment for me. I believe he and his wife were shocked at the steps I was taking to help Mom. One holiday, my sister-in-law literally cornered me and strongly told me I shouldn't give up so much time to help my Mom. I couldn't belive the conversation, here we are 5 years later and that relationship is (very) slowly mending.
MY mil is in assisted living. There are 5 kids, 3 w/spouses, 7 granchildren some in their 40s. From my perspective my weekly visits produce more than the whole lot of others combined. I report to my husband what I observe and insist that he NEVER mention to his siblings ANYTHING that I do. I know they would resent me big time. None of them are 'caregivers'. I organize her drawers, bring her body wash when she is getting low, clean her comb and brush, clean up her apt, put her laundry away, etc. I observe and DO. But I never allow it to be discussed as it would cause great resentment. I think the sibs believe that the aides in an understaffed AL have time to wash the dishes that the sibs leave in the sink!
My suggestion is to think back on conversations and see if you may be inadvertently talking about some things you did and sister feels she doesn't have as much to discuss. On top of that, one of my brothers was in such denial over my Mom's situation that he had barely accepted it by the time she passed!
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