My sister-in-law hates our 94-year-old mother in law and provokes her. What can I do?

I went to my MIL'S house today to visit and she was not there. Her oxygen machine and tanks are gone. Her clothes are gone. I called the ALF that they had mentioned, and a Nurse told me that she was dropped off this afternoon. The Nurse stated that my MIL refused to eat, and is screaming, disrupting the other residents, and walking around the ALF stating that she wants to call the Police. The Nurse thought that I was my SIL calling to check how things were going. The comments that have been made towards me are so judgemental, stating that I am ranting, and they are inconsiderate. Some of you act like this type of dysfunction, theft, and deceit doesn't occur. I am involved because it is difficult to not be. My MIL feels unloved and unwanted by her entire family. How horrible must it be to be at the end of your life and feel like nobody cares about you, and wishes you would just die. Nobody deserves that. I understand that she was not the best Mother, however, it is not my place to judge her and make her pay for it for the rest of her life. She is 94. If not forgiveness and love now, then when? I do what I do not because I want the recognition, or to come between the family. I love my MIL and treat her with dignity and respect, even if she doesn't deserve it because I have reached out to my Church and my faith, and because it is the right thing to do. I did the same for my Mother. There is no difference to me. I have always fought the bullies, especially when they were targeting someone who was vulnerable. As you may have read by other posts, APS is useless. The ALF encouraged the sedative, and that is why my SIL pursued it. They didn't have to sedate her today because they lied and told her she was going to her Dr. When I spoke to the Nurse at the ALF tonight she stated, "I am not falling for your MIL'S manipulation, and I am giving her tough love." To think of my MIL scared, crying, screaming, and feeling abandoned by her family, is heartbreaking. I am done with this new letter. I thank those who gave their support and suggestions. I wish you good luck with your situation.

You are mighty involved, for an in law. Which it totally up to you--and if the family is OK with that--keep it up? My word as far as the care of MY DH's mother is none of my business whatsoever.

This is a story with a ton of holes and accusations in it. I can't fathom WHY anyone would work so darn hard to "earn" $150 a week, if this is what's happening, essentially.

It is sad, if SIL is turning the family against MIL. She's made and enemy of you, for sure. I am guessing the time for quietly sitting down and discussing what's BEST for MIL has long passed. If you really feel strongly that she is being neglected and abused, you'd best call APS and keep on calling them until they investigate.

So, did they drop mom off at the ALF, all sedated? I can't imagine a dr being on board with this scenario. I can't imagine the ALF being on board either.

I hope you come back--maybe take a deep breath before you begin your rant and give us some more details.

Personally, for the possibility of being heir to 1/3 of an old house--I'd leave this hot mess alone, just do my best for MIL.

There is a verse in the Bible (St Matthew 8:17) which might apply here: when someone wrongs you, you go to them first,(you've had it out w sil), then you go to the authorities. If hubby does not agree with you, then why not take it to your church priest, as well as to the government authorities (APS) since it sounds like SIL is not in the church?

In regard to an earlier comment, my MIL acquired a NYSARC trust years ago to be Medicaid eligible, and food stamp eligible,which is not fraud. Also, a lean is not on the home, as the home was transferred to her sons years ago. We retained an Attorney in 2012, so every was done legally. We were all advised what the POA entails, yet my BIL and my SIL overstep what they can do. I think my SIL paid herself for managing my MIL checking account and paying my MIL's bills, which was supposed to be my BIL job, noy my SIL. I think my SIL and BIL spent the money, and they are not her primary caretaker. MIL has not had her checkbook in 8 years, so she has not spent $150 per week, and their are no CO'S as my MIL has an Attorney that has put a trust in place so that when her house is sold the proceeds will go into her trust account, and a portion will be set aside for the ALF expenses, and once she passes, the remains funds will be divided between her 3 sons. My Husband and I offered to have our MIL move in with us, as we have a 1 bedroom apartment in our home that my Mother had resided in for years before she passes away. My SIL and my BIL would not allow that, as they refused to pay for any of her expenses if she lives with us. My MIL had triple nypass surgery in 2012, and after medical rehab, she came to live in my home for 5 months, until she was strong enough to go home. None of her family contributed to her expenses, and my 2 BIL and 1 SIL never came to see her. I see my MIL several times a week, and I also call her. I manage her meds, and we bring her food, take her for a ride for a hamburger and have her over our house for dinner. She is able to manage independently at this time, but she is lonely. I have suggested numerous times to the rest of her sons and their wives to allow her to move into our home so that she can have the opportunity to take what she wants from her home, and to have the opportunity to say Goodbye to her home. They stated that she is not living with any of her children. We pay for yard work, and my Husband takes care of the snow removal, not only for my MIL but for the Widow next store. Her wardrobe is limited, so it does not require a change over, as she wears the same fashion year round because she is always cold. As far as the Neurologist, she had only 1 appointment with the Neurologist and my SIL lied to the Neurologist as the ALF requested that a sedative be obtained, so that once she is at the ALF they could sedate her when she becomes agitated after being left there against her will. I hate what my SIL is doing to my MIL and to the family. No one stands up to her. She is a nasty bully and only cares about money. MY MIL has stated that she wants to change her POA. My husband hesitates, and tells my MIL that we all will never see the rest of the family if she does that. She doesn't see them now, but my MIL and my husband keep holding out hope because to come to terms with the alternative, which may be that the rest of their family does not love or care about them would be devastating to them. It is such a crazy way to live. Dr. PHIL says, "Believe someone when they show you who they are."

If she is still competent, then she can still change her POA assignments as often and as many times as she chooses. You need to get your husband on board, and ask Him if he is wanting to and is willing to speak to his Mom to see if this is something that she desires doing, changing her POA assignment to him and you, understanding that if she does, and if she then Chooses to remain in her home, that is Your husband and You, who will be doing the Lions share of the work to keep her there, and you will be going against the prior POA and husband wife, who may very well have been siphoning off anything of value, and any money off of her that they could have gotten their hands on.

This could open a whole new can of worms, not that it isn't the right thing to do, but it could very well get sticky, and you might very well need the assistance of an attorney, if she doesn't already have one Plus you might wish to involve APS and the Police, if you believe that they have taken money from her against her will and without her knowledge. The whole thing could get ready ugly, but sometimes this is what's needed, when someone you love is being taken advantage of!  

It does sound like you are well entrenched in your concerns for her welbeing, and your husband and you might be just the ones who can help her to figure all this deceit out! It's criminal to think that her own Son might have been exploiting her, and taking her money for his own benifits!

She still would probably be best served in an Assisted living environment, that way she would be well looked after, recieve 3 meals per day, and could have her own apartment, where she can entertain family visitors, and the burden of you looking after her wouldn't be entirely resting upon your shoulders, as it sounds like you would not have the support of other family, once you've brought this justice to light!

It's Sad really, as she needs every penny to make it through to the end of her life.

Please know that the Assisted living places that I have toured expect payment now full each month, and usually a down payment of a couple thousand dollars on top of the monthly rent. Your MIL would probably have to sell her home to afford this, and any other money she recieved from the sale of her home, set aside in a safe account, to pay monthly for the rest of her life. Her (new) POA is to assure that money is put safe, just for thisand her monthly expenditures! It doesn't sound like the bad brother and his wife have been managing her funds to the best of their ability and in her best interest to date!

This whole situation is fraught with inconsistencies, and possible exploitation of a Vulnerable Senior, and who knows how and where her all of her money and life savings are at the moment!

She definitely needs Someone whom she trusts at the helm, as she had Dementia and is so vulnerable.

I wish you good luck with getting her the kind of help she needs, and it's a darn shame that this has happened to her.

If she is on SSI and Medicaid and food stamps she cannot have thousands of dollars. Or..She wouldn't be able to get these services. They r for people with no income. Hopefully there is not money that is "stashed" away because this is fraud. Also, if she is on SSI and she owns her home a lean will be put on her house probably at time of death. If she is competent than your BIL is overstepping his POA. If what is being said about the AL is true, you need to report them. Your a good DIL but this is not your battle. This is between her children. They need to stand up for Mom and they should tell the SIL to back off. They need to have a lawyer explain what a her POA entitles him.
Do they think she has money somewhere? Are they the main caretakers? Good Luck and come back to tell us how it goes.

Kindness, I'm going to point out something that you're not going to like, so stop reading right here if you're not willing to see another side of this.

You state that MIL has income of $1300 per month ( she's low income for sure) with bills of 700$ per month ( housing? Food?). So, that leaves 150 per week. You don't think 150$ per week has gotten spent by MIL or by poa on her behalf and that those monies should be sitting in CDs somewhere?

Who is checking in on MIL daily? Is it you? Unless you are willing to shoulder the greatest part of MIL'S care, I think you need to think about how much time and money home maintenance costs. ( who is doing yardwork, snow removal, housekeeping, changing bed linens, changing over winter/summer clothes? You? Or SIL?

I understand that you feel sad for MIL and for the fact that everyone else in the family, including your husband, seems to agree that it's time for MIL to have a higher level of care. The neurologist seems on board as well.

Most elders thrive in Assisted Living. They gain a social life. They are safe in storms and from burglary, door to door scammers.

What is clear is that you hate your SIL. Maybe she IS evil. But this may also be what is best for MIL.

Kindness, I can recite from memory the message my SIL wrote in one Mother's Day card - 'Sorry we won't see you but it's A___'s 30th birthday and we're having a big party for him here.'

'A' being Grandson No. 2, and 'here' being their own family home with ample room and at least two bathrooms. So essentially we're having a party and you're not invited, na-na-ni-na-na - have a nice day!

I waved the card in mother's direction, paraphrased for her, and popped it on the mantlepiece unread. Didn't feel the need to share that particular gem with her - she already had so many to choose from.

It seems simple enough. Discuss with your MIL the option of revoking her current POA and appointing your husband and/or you instead. And call those grandchildren! You speak the language. Tell them Granny would love to see them, and suggest a day when you can be there to help with snacks or whatever.

And how about safer living options that you do think she'd like? What's available near her?

Even if POA was given to my BIL, under the law my MIL legally can still access her bank accounts, write checks, etc. At the time the POA was given, my MIL was not deemed incompetent. Her Dr now would not deemed her incompete8. That is my point. People on this site have suggested that I am undermining the family, and that it is OK to sedate an elderly person, and to lie to them to get them to get in a car to be dumped. My MIL is not incompetent. She may need someone to go food shopping and take her to appointments because she doesn't drive. She loves her family dearly, and it is breaking her heart that they don't care, don't visit, and don't want her at family functions. She has 2 Great zGrandchildren, and another on the way, and her grandchildren never visit her. She wasn't even invited the the great grand children's christenings, and 1 was 5 years ago, and the other 2 years ago. She is seen as a nuisance, and as annoying. She is a sweet, loving, 80 pound, 4 ft. 9 inch tall woman, and my FIL is rolling in his grave, as he expected better from his children. Her mother lived until she was 100 and was not in a nursing home. She has an older brother and an older sister that are still alive. She has the start of dementia, and is happy reading the paper for most of the day, making herself coffee, and breakfast. When I go to see her, we have dinner together, and when I leave she tells me that she loves me and that it was a good visit. It is inhumane to rip her out of her home that she has lived in since she was married, and to lie to her, and to dump her at the ALF. It is heartbraking.

My BIL and SIL plan on Monday, to lie to her telling her she has a doctor's apps, and walk her into the ALF, and leave her. The ALF requested the Neurologist prescribe a sedative so that once my MIL realizes that she has been dumped, then the ALF can sedate her. The ALF is alright with this plan, and the ALF has recommended that no one visit her for 2 weeks to a month, as they plan to sedate her if she becomes upset or agitated because her family lied to her. Yes, the 50 % share of the house. My MIL receives $1,300 per month from Social Security. Her bills are around $700. The remaining $600 a month totals $7,200 per year, for the last 8 years. My SIL manages my MIL bank account, even though her husband has POA. That is a total of $57,600. Hat money has disappeared. They are spineless and lazy, and if my MIL dies, either due to stress, or a broken heart, they all stand to gain from the sale of her home. She left the house to her 3 sons. Greed and stupidity. My SIL stated that she has been in the family the longest and that she deserves compensation for that. I want to have APS involved. My husband disagrees. I have lost respect for all of them, including my husband and even though this is not my mother, I know that this will be a turning point in my marriage if my husband does not do the right thing, and stand up to his older brother and his wife.

Confused here. The POA for financial should be active now, which means MIL has no say. In addition, at age 94, why wasn't a POA for health obtained at the same time? Obtain a POA for health now, make sure POA is active now and remove all this misery. A doctor's note that she cannot make these decisions now is sufficient. You don't need an attorney to draft. All states have websites for POA download, If she is of sound mind to sign.

If you MIL is competent, she can also change POA to someone else, i.e., YOUR husband.

You say that if only family would all assist MIL, she could live at home.

Is that practical? Doesn't everyone have a job? Does everyone live close by?

That sort of scenario can sometimes work if you are a member of a cooperative, functional family in which open discussions take place and everyone's opinion is respected. Frankly, it doesn't sound like you married into that sort of family.

If your MIL has all her mental faculties and is capable of living alone, there is no possibility of her being moved to an ALF against her wishes. Your BIL cannot use power of attorney to overrule the choices of a competent adult.

So... the Medicaid look-back period presumably applied to your late FIL's share of the value of the family home?

And the tens of thousands of dollars that you believe ought to be in your MIL's bank account, this money would have come from where?

Would you necessarily blame your MIL for feeling a powerful urge to black SIL's eye? I rather like the idea, myself.

Overall, it sounds as though what you have is a couple of strong characters who have clashed painfully. But unless your husband's whole family is otherwise entirely spineless and stupid, I'm not sure how your SIL could have convinced them against their own judgement that MIL should be made a pariah.

Why not involve APS, then? How could it hurt? Ask for an evaluation of MIL's living situation, don't accuse anyone of anything, just get their assessment and their advice on how best to move forward.

Her house is paid for and she receives SSI, Medicaid, and Food stamps. I did not say that I agree with ALF. My MIL would have agreed years ago, but my SIL refused to allow that because then Medicaid would have recouped 50 percent of the sale from her home. The only reason my SIL wants to get her out of the house is because the 5 year Medicaid look back period ended April 2017. My MIL and the rest of the family should be included in the decision. You MIL can still function in her home with the assistance of her family, if all family members assisted. There is no misunderstanding. My SIL runs the show. If you go against her then you are out casted from the family. She has convinced the other members of the family to hate and despise my MIL. A Doctor prescribed the sedative only to be given to the ALF to administer, as my MIL needs to be supervised while on it. My SIL'S husband told my husband that I needed to put it in the pill tray in the nighttime slot. When my husband brought it home to tell me to do that, I called the prescribing doctor, and she stated that it was prescribed because my SIL and her husband told the doctor that my MIL was going into an ALF. The Dr. Immediately discontinued it, stating that the medication was only to be administered in a supervised setting. My SIL and BIL were putting me in an illegal, unethical position, as the sedative was not prescribed to be given to my MIL at home alone. She is not wanted at family functions because she is hard of hearing, not due to agitation. They are embarrassed and don't want to have to interrupt what they want to do. They have encouraged us to not bring her, stating that she prevents us from enjoying ourselves, which is not true. The last family event was her only grandsons wedding. I remember her on the dance floor dancing with her 3 sons. It was priceless. After, my SIL told others that she was "a pain in the ass." My Husband and I have taken into consideration the difficult position that we are all in. I am not talking about rationale adults. I am talking about a dysfunctional family of alcoholics, and a SIL that lies about our MIL so that my MIL is hated, not visited, and not invited to family functions. She should be in a facility. The last time she saw my MIL, she told everyone that my MIL went to hit her, and almost gave her a black eye. How absurd.

Kindness; As Jeanne asks, is this medication prescribed by MIL's doctor? Is she often agitated? (Is that perhaps why she is not invited to family occasions, because she disrupts them and scares the children?)

Often, AL's ask that families not visit for the first few weeks while dementia patients become acclimated to the routine of the new facility. It is NOT an uncommon request, made by the facility and NOT out of hatred.

You know the prayer that starts "Make me an instrument of your peace"?

Sometimes we have to let the bad feelings and misunderstandings go and work toward a greater good. Do you think that you and your husband might be able to look at this from another point of view?

Did a doctor prescribe this sedative?

It is very nice that you have done all of these things to improve MIL's quality of life and include her in family events. Well done.

So your alternative plan is that MIL remains in her own home until after Christmas, i.e. until early 2018. And how is she to be supported for the next four + months?

The question is about who is doing the daily grind. As you say that MIL should have been moved to ALF years ago, you presumably agree that she cannot live safely alone. And although I am happy to give huge credit to people who do get involved as you and your husband have done, there is a big difference between ad hoc assistance and 24/7 responsibility - which *somebody* must have been taking on since the time when you yourself judge that MIL was beginning to fail to manage at home.

Does the broyges with SIL by any chance date from the misunderstandings during MIL's post-op care? Unfounded and hurtful accusations getting thrown around, something like that?

MIL is not invited to family functions so I cannot show up with her. You can "dump" someone in ALF as my MIL will not have a phone or the resources to contact anyone to notify them that she refuses to stay there. The ALF encouraged my SIL and my BIL to give my MIL a sedative, to drop her off, and to bring the remaining 29 pills so that the ALF can administer it to my MIL when she realizes that she has been dumped there, and becomes agitated. They will hold her against her will, as they will not be in the position to assist her to leave. They have also told the family to not visit as it will disrupt their process. I would grant her the wish to stay in her home for 1 more Christmas. I would like APS to investigate financial exploitation and to assess MIL, as she has not been deemed incompetent or incapacitated. BIL and his wife should not be making the decisions without input from other siblings. If they are making decisions out of hatred, then they shouldn't be instructing all family members to be on the same page. A POA does not give my BIL the responsibility for my MILES welfare. He is not her legal guardian. POA is only to assist with her financial assets, which is only her monthly SS check. My Husband and I have been actively involved in her care. After open heart surgery we took her into our home and cared for her, and we were accused of having the wrong intentions. We manage her medications, bring her meals, take her to doctors and dentists. Take her for rides, take her to the cemetery where her Husband and brothers are buried, take her for haircuts, and up until the last family event, which she was not invited, we have always been the ones to bring her to holiday gatherings, weddings, baby and bridal showers, and funerals. I am not undermining anyone. I should not be forced to get on the same page with them, which is to hate my MIL, to be nasty to her, to provoke her, to neglect her, and now to lie to her to trick her into leaving her home to be dumped into an ALF. There is a right way and a wrong way to do this and if they hate her so much, then bow out, and my Husband and I will do what's right. Their motives are all fueled by hatred and greed, and that is why I dislike them.

Brother and SIL are going to dump MIL in an ALF.
MIL should have been encouraged to move to an ALF years ago but nasty SIL wouldn't allow it.

I'm confused, too. What would you want APS to do or recommend? What should BIL and his wife be doing?

The one thing that is really, really clear from your post is that you can't stand your sister in law. I can sympathise with that: I couldn't stand mine, either, not least because I considered her to be similarly hostile to my mother.

But your BIL has responsibility for your MIL's welfare, your MIL gave him that responsibility, and you *are* undermining him - what we can't tell is whether or not you're right to be doing so.

What have you and your husband been doing to support MIL during these years? Any active involvement in her care?

Dear Kindnessmatters,

I know families are tough, but if you feel this strongly about the welfare of your MIL, I would definitely call APS. Hopefully they can help sort out what is best for your MIL.

Your brother and sister in law have taken out a second mortgage on THEIR home to pay for Assisted Living?

But they've also applied for Medicaid for MIL?

But she's got thousands of dollars in her account?

And she's should have ben in AL years Ago?

I'm very confused about what you would like to see happen.

How is it that you can see this side of SIL, and your husband cannot? What does he think should happen?

What would be best for MIL? You say she should have been placed in an ALF years ago. Wouldn't it be good for her to be there now? She would be out from under her DIL's provocations, be free to make friends, you and/or your husband could visit her frequently without the stress of SIL, etc. You could also pick her up and take her to bridal showers, etc.

If being in an ALF would be the best thing for MIL, maybe you should just accept it, in spite of the devious ways of getting her there, and the greedy motivations. And, btw, you can't "dump" someone in an ALF. If the person is legally competent she can simply say she refuses to be there. ALF's are not prisons. They cannot hold her against her will. But perhaps once she is used to it she will enjoy it and want to stay.

Just exactly what would you do if you go against your husband and do what is right?