My sister refuses to allow me to talk to my Dad on the phone. Any advice?

Make peace with your sister and everything else will fall into place.

Sometimes, I just can't imagine what is wrong with people. Write a letter. All you can do is try.

How do you know that she is refusing to answer your call? Maybe something is wrong? Call her local police and have them do a welfare check..

Ahh, welfare check, great idea!

I had the same where fam gets upset because I doint want them to talk to my husband. Sometimes it is because he says no. Sometimes they just upset hime lots of reasons . I am there to protect hime then they also get upset. I am toId I henpeck and I pretend like he is dying. I refuse. To let him live his life. I try and keep him from fam and on and on. It is not true. we just try and do best for our loved one it is very hard living with this. Maybe if you try and contact her again and explain you just want to be part of this and what can y do to make it better for them. That in turn will make it better for you .

The only thing I can think of is to be nice and friendly with sis. What my family calls "suck up" to her. Or that saying that you can draw more flies with honey than with vinegar. Just do your best to not let her get to you.

For years, my siblings would call home. When they want to talk to dad, he hides. He just doesn't want to talk to them. Now that he's bedridden, he can't run away. So, most times, I dump the phone on him and force him to talk to them. From what I can hear, he says the same thing to them over and over and over. In all the phone calls, I never cover the phone to prevent my siblings from hearing. So, they can hear it from their end that dad doesn't want to talk them. No need for secrecy. But when they come in person, dad would talk and talk and talk.

So, I'm not sure what's the real situation with your sister. Just play nice with her - no matter what she says to you. Because your main goal is to talk to your father.

When you say she won't answer any calls, have you spoken to her at all since your father moved in with her? Without knowing what's normal for her, it's hard to judge whether she's not speaking to you specifically because she's trying to prevent contact with your father or if there could be some other, less troubling explanation. I assume you've left messages/sent texts/tried emailing etc., have you? Has she actually said words to the effect of "you can't talk to Dad"?

For a while, some time ago, I thought my ex and his wife were blocking my calls until one day I happened to be round at their house and realised that, no, they just don't pick up the phone. Nothing personal, nothing I'd done. They literally never answer it, even when it's right by their elbow and ringing long enough to give me a nervous tic.

One other question: before he moved, what was the usual pattern of phone conversations between you and your dad? Did you call him or he call you, and how often?

The worst thing is to call the police to do a welfare check. To do so would be too much too soon. Go to your sisters for a visit. Also, the caregiver has too much work to do to make sure everyone is feeling warm and fuzzy. Her main concern is taking care of your father. Buy your dad a cell phone iPhone and FaceTime with him when you want. Technology today allows too much access to an individual. Buy him a laptop there a a built in webcam on most. If you go to all the expense to get alternative methods of communication and sis still does not allow you to chat, Give a fair warning that you need to speak to dad or you will find out what is wrong There is usually an elderly protective agency in state government call the 800 number and file a complaint of possible elder abuse/neglect Keeping a person in isolation is considered abuse to the elderly however, if you decide to do that just remember they can file similar reports to the state about you and they don't even have to give their name when reporting. You have small kids? Sis can have child protective agency knocking on your door with one call and one made up story. Being nice to sis is not the answer if sis is like my evil sis. Whoever is caring for the person has more leverage not more rights there is a reason why your dad allowed your sis to be his primary care giver. It's easy to look into the window of your sis and complain about this and that and then go back to your house and prop your feet up and watch tv. The caregiver has the burden of the fall out from and visits gone bad or telephone calls that upsets dad. Your sis has make sure they continue to eat drink and poop regularly. Anything that hinders that is usually avoided.

Do not tolerate your sister's behavior. If in fact you have asked your sister to talk to your father and she refuses then know legally she is violating his rights.
Do not hesitate to call adult protective services. All that matters here is your father's welfare. He is across country and you can not see him regularly. Assuming he is oriented enough, you are not able to know from him directly if he is well physically or emotionally. You do not know if he is being exploited financially. Here is a litmus test for you. Tell your sister you want to visit. See if she is resistant to your coming. If she also denies you visitation rights along with phone rights then a big red flag needs to go up in your mind. Also is it just you your sister keeps away? Does she keep

other family members, friends of significance away also. If so that is a double red flag. Adult protective services need to find out why your fatherv is being kept so socially isolated.

How is your history with your sister? She may be just trying to help your dad settle in and feels that she's doing the right thing. Or - she may be into a sibling rivalry mode. There's no way to really know without your pursuing your relationship further.

It's true that it's abuse to isolate someone, so if after you've tried every way to communicate with your sister, if she still refuses, you could tell her that you'll have to have a welfare check done on your dad since she won't share information.

I would try everything else first in case she thinks, for whatever reason, she is doing the right thing. Write her a letter. Send her an email. Let her know that you just want to know what is going on and to be updated about your dad. When you know more, let her know that it's time for you to talk with him.

So much depends on your family history and what is going on there. There's always the legal route but that will surely destroy your family relationships, so if there's no real need for that, don't do it. Try everything else first.
Good luck. Please keep us posted.
Carol

Unless someone is completely demented it should be THEIR OWN decision whom they talk to. What is this "Smith won't let Jones talk to Baker" business? If Baker doesn't want to talk to Jones, Baker should let Jones know. Good grief. It's demeaning to everyone for Smith to run that show. Let's grow up and deal with each other, people.

As for someone not answering the phone, don't leap to conclusions and don't speculate about motives. You can do a lot of other things first before calling in a welfare check, which anyone would be liable to take as a massive insult. Call again. Write. Visit. Call from a number that doesn't identify you, if you really think it's you. Ask the neighbors, not to be nosy or put them in the middle, but just "I'm worried, I can't get through." And if you've harmed that relationship in ANY WAY in the past, own up.

I agree with some of the respondents like Carol at the beginning. "As much as it depends upon you, be at peace with all men."

Is there a way you can reach out to your sister and find out what's going on? Your post said that she refuses to let you speak with your dad. You need to know the underlying reason why. Is it a family fued over your dad's care? Is your dad refusing to speak with you for some reason? Does your dad have his faculties? Is your sister concerned that you would upset your father?

There is a balancing act between preserving your family peace and protecting your dad. Both matter to some extent.

Along those lines, you know your sister and the circumstances in which your dad crossed the country. If you suspect that nefarious dealings are underway, then you may need to go the route of a welfare check, Adult Protective Services, etc. Unfortunately, all kinds of terrible things do happen to seniors at the hands of their families. We've experienced more than our share within my wife's family and have seen similiar in visiting rehab centers and nursing homes around our area. Before you go this route, you may want to talk to an experienced elder law attorney, but with your father physically in a different region of the country, finding someone local to you who understands the law where your father is now is quite a problem.

If anyone knows how to get APS, law enforcement, or the judicial system to address social isolation, I would love to know. My sister has kept my mother from her other children for a year now. She claims Mother does not want to talk to us, but we know that is not true. But APS, the police, and the judge all say that unless she is being physically abused, there is nothing anyone can do. My mother is very timid and won't stand up to my sister, who is very abrasive and overbearing. Sick and sad.

I've found (unfortunately) that you just can't change 'people' no matter how much you try (even if you're related to them). It's a tough one and it's very upsetting to me when the parent (cared one) is caught in the middle. It's not healthy for them (!) or anyone!

The same thing happened to my husband. When his mother was diagnosed with dementia his sister (evil one) collected their mother and promptly hid their mother from us. My husband had always been the caretaker of his mom's affairs but evil sis convinced his mom to take my husband off of all of her accounts, including her bank account. She then kidnapped the mom and we had to hire a private detective to find her. When found evil sis screamed and created a scene making it very difficult to visit his mom. Ultimately, we found out that his mom had been verbally abused. (her own daughter told us). Because of insufficient care his mom fell, broke her hip, and died a few weeks later, horribly and sadly. Because his mom allowed this evil person to be added to the accounts, (fraudulently because she had severe dementia) she left town and now we are in pursuit of bringing her to justice but it has been over a year since his mom passed away. Greed might be at the core of your situation too. Don't stop advocating for your dad. Keep trying. There has to be a reason why your sister is doing this. It is usually to control the money.

No one in our family talks to us because of hurt feelings and pride. SIL calls MIL twice a day. I am happy for MIL to have this additional interaction, until SIL buts ridiculous notions in MIL's head. Caregiving is already very difficult for me . I have had to "nurse" MIL back from the states SIL puts her in.(mind you I don't believe it's intentional on SIL's part) She can't refuse her calls, but MIL has told me she wished she didn't call so often. MIL can't understand most of what she says. MIL spends our puzzle time complaining about SIL...and me trying to put the fire out. Get this, I have to wait with MIL till SIL calls (usually punctual) to do the already difficult outings I arrange. I can see why someone would limit phone calls. FYI if it was in my home? The calls wouldn't get through. Every time the phone rings at MIL's house (when I'm there) I feel the butterflies in my stomach in anticipation of the reaction MIL will have to what she says. Also when they visit it takes at least a week for MIL to get her blood sugar back to normal levels and get her bathroom schedule back to normal being it constipation or diarrhea. I won't stop them... but it's not without consequence.

Your dad may be wanting to go back home . My wife has dementia , when she hears from her mom or sister , she wants to go visit them Immediately even if she was there yesterday. It is just to far to go daily but we do make regular trips . Her sister had to move due to a job situation . Contact your sister in a way your mom won't know about . Be supportive , you may even be able to help .

If he is still able to write...Send him a Letter he has to sign for...It is against the law to with hold the US Mail..a federal offense....Not sure if he will get to read it..but he will have to sign for it...ALSO if you know his Doctor...call the Doctors office to see when His next scheduled appt is...and meet him there...TALK to his doctor ...and if it is a real CONCERN for his WELL BEING...contact the proper authorities ....or have the Police go to the house with you!

Not sure about your dad's situation; but in my case, my 95 yr old mother still has the same old rotary-phone she got in 1960; no voice-mail; no cell-phone (too complicated for her) so, no texting; cannot hear them ring anyway even with the extra loud ringer-device; does not use computers ("contraptions" she dubbed them). "Adult-services" will not go there anymore because all siblings (5 of us.) have been driven away by my youngest brother, who is financial POA and executor, have each called them out to investigate. Even when I decided to exit the situation, I was allowed to speak to my mother... but I was not permitted to speak to her in privacy. He sat and listened to every word, knowing I would not return from the Philippines during her short remaining life-time (She is 95 in December!). He said," I hope you die over there!".
Sometimes, there really is nothing that you can do when greed and jealousy affects the one who holds all the power... and you must respect your parent's decision to put him (or her) "in charge". Both the POA's and the Will are legal documents... the distorted wishes of a parent whom, practiced favoritism all her life. So, it is, not only "his" revenge... but "she" too, is complicit in the situation; and nothing legally can be done without violating "her" wishes!
I am now in the Philippines x 1 month; although I have tried to make contact by writing her and sending photos, I seriously doubt that they have been read to her or shown to her. If so, she has made no attempt to reply. I still think of her, isolated and "cut-off" from 5 of her children, 4 of whom live within 20 miles.. some, only a couple miles. All have reported that they have "very limited access to her".
I do wish you good luck in your attempts to make sense of your situation; but remember that you "Dad" made these arrangements.

Hi ~ without knowing the background or family dynamics, i can relate to what you're dealing with. My sibs call my mom with 'giddy giggly phone calls' while i work my patootie off. Oh if only someone would talk to me, and ask "what can i do to help" - i'm afraid to leave Mom home alone, so despite her wishes, if i need to be away for more than 1 hr - she must come with me. Stoves, microwaves, ovens - are objects of deep fear right now, as are stairs and handrails. i'd NEVER call social services nor welfare - that's throwing a fox into the hen house, and it truly is a very drastic measure, unless you have information that he's in danger. Do you live closeby? Get to know a neighbor ... deliver a homemade cake and take one for your sis and Dad, too [or other 'goody' that's dietary appropriate]. Ask your sis what you can do to help -- she may be sowing seeds of resentment without realizing it. Caregiving is exceedingly time demanding. i'm down to eating popcorn and instant mac-n-cheese. Yogurt's a special treat - but i must concentrate on keeping mom on her meds, eating, clean, etc. She's nearly blind atop 4 strokes, but still is the most beautiful person i know - yet she has fallen victim to the medical condition's perennial mood swings. So i'm ashamed to say, to wake her up out of her complacency and self-pity, i have to firmly lay it on the line and remind her that she CAN empty the dishwasher - if she can't reach the shelves, at least she can put the dishes on the counter and i'll take it from there. She needs to be needed and nothing prevents her from doing this task [good for memory - this goes here, that goes there, as well as the simple bending/lifting exercise]. imho. i want her to keep as independent as possible, [as long as i can monitor from an eye's glance away :) ]. She's 87 but when others are around, she really lights up the room, and their hearts! Yes, she yells, hollers and throws things at me: it breaks my heart, but she's doesn't know how else to get her frustrations out. i bought her a "jelly toy" for $1 that she can squeeze or throw, and a stuffed animal that she can wail the dickens out of. She prefers the one that she can push the button and it sings to her. i love to hear her laughter! But every phonecall that comes in, every survey every political recording, she insists i "get the phone." And takes it all across the house to hand it to me - she thinks it's a 'real voice'. So i take the phone and say to the recording, "sorry, not interested, but i do need to get on with my chores today.' And Mom laughs and says "you told them, huh." it's no use explaining.

But i like the idea ^^ above - talk with your sister - she's going to need you and you need her, so get that coffee cake and bring over some coffee or whatever she likes, and visit for an hour if possible. She'll fill you in - especially if you give her the silence that always urges people to talk ;) . "How's Dad doing?" when appropriate.... "What can i do to help? Can i run an errand for you?" Your goodwill and interest in the family situation will be your guide. God bless you - and your Dad, sis and any family members. And yeah, please get to know a neighbor and exchange numbers, ok? You don't need to have a covert accomplice, but if there's a problem - you;'d feel better knowing that you can call a neighbor who can run over to your sis' home and check on things - like "your sister's called me - she can't get through on the phone line, and i told her i'd run on over and ask you to set her at ease." Are you comfy with that scenario? Bringing in the LAW or the police is a certainty that you'll be banished from any matters concerning your sister and your Dad.! Take him a recording of his favorite music -- i don't think he'd take to a computer -- those belong to a different age: but a phone, with a speed dial set up with your number on it, is perfect! Just show him how to use it. Mom can't use hers unless it has speed dial. She doesn't know how to punch the numbers to place a call from a cell phone. Monitor the minutes, so that you can add time over the phone, directly with the cell phone company. i understand that Sears/AARP, and Walmart have low cost no contract phones - yours for the purchase of time. The Sears/AARP ones have BIG numbers on them, and i understand they are easy to program and to use. Blessings to you all ~

Go see for yourself what is going on! if able or allowed.. How does she treat you then? If not.Can you ask her to have him call you or assist him in calling. tell her something important youd like to share with him and then tell him (if true) i miss you & care about you(thats important!) maybe that work.I dont believe in sucking up or kissing their behind Its just not real..

Watch out! These people will lie about their intentions and always make themselves blameless telling you it's what your parent wants. Does your dad own any major investments? Isolation leads to abuse. I know I am drawing on our experience but I feel I must warn you. We never suspected that his sister would stoop to criminal behavior. We thought we would all work together for his Mom's sake. We were more shocked then anyone. When people won't communicate then run and hide there is a reason. SIL damaged the whole family because of her greed. Is your sister in charge of your Dad's financial interests ? Her plan may be to have herself made executor of his affairs and cut you out of everything. You might need some legal advice soon.

I'd love to know the other side of the story. I would bet there is even more to it than you are aware of. If you harass you sister and play the blame game, all you will accomplish is upsetting EVERYONE including yourself. If your sister is putting herself out to care for your father, a thank you is in order from you to her, and then a "How can I help?" directed to her would go a long way.

Without knowing both sides, which usually falls somewhere in the middle no one can see a true solution. My sister and I recently made peace. She had NO idea what was really going on and jealousy was at the root of her hate for me. Since she now realizes that I am there for her too, when she allows it, our relationship has vastly improved. Try to work together and not play the blame game it only hurts EVERYONE. Trust me I've lived it.

If however you see "real" red flags and not just imagined ones then maybe it is time to book a flight, hotel, rent a car and go visit. Maybe offer to let your sister take time for herself and you stay with Dad. Or offer to take Dad on a short trip with you so sis can have time. That way you are being helpful and not accusing, but helping if allowed.

Good luck and keep us posted. This is a great place to get feedback! We all draw from our own life experience and you can use what fits your situation

I'd love to know the other side of the story. I would bet there is even more to it than you are aware of. If you harass you sister and play the blame game, all you will accomplish is upsetting EVERYONE including yourself. If your sister is putting herself out to care for your father, a thank you is in order from you to her, and then a "How can I help?" directed to her would go a long way.

Without knowing both sides, which usually falls somewhere in the middle no one can see a true solution. My sister and I recently made peace. She had NO idea what was really going on and jealousy was at the root of her hate for me. Since she now realizes that I am there for her too, when she allows it, our relationship has vastly improved. Try to work together and not play the blame game it only hurts EVERYONE. Trust me I've lived it.

If however you see "real" red flags and not just imagined ones then maybe it is time to book a flight, hotel, rent a car and go visit. Maybe offer to let your sister take time for herself and you stay with Dad. Or offer to take Dad on a short trip with you so sis can have time. That way you are being helpful and not accusing, but helping if allowed.

Good luck and keep us posted. This is a great place to get feedback! We all draw from our own life experience and you can use what fits your situation

That's great if your sister agrees to talk and communicate! That was not the case for us. SIL would only scream and accuse and didn't want to reason with anyone. Her eye was on the prize (bank account).
Good luck to all of you who are dealing with similar issues. Our tale is one of sadness. Hope yours has a better ending.

You could always try to write to your dad. Checking with welfare is a great idea or even calling the police where they live. Maybe something did happen but maybe it's history with your sister. It's upsetting when you can't talk to your dad and you feel like this. If you are the one who cares maybe you should think about suggesting that you help to take care of him as well. Hope this helps!