My sister says I'm bitter. Any advice?

It took me a while but I (eventually) learned that I couldn't get my siblings to take on a leadership role. Sometimes, it seemed like I couldn't get them to do much of anything. I did some soul searching and realized I can only control my own actions and contributions. My goal was to be able to say I did the best for my loved one and I did my best to keep them company and have suitalbe care. My Mom is gone 14 months now. While I miss her, I barely shed a tear b/c I spent so much time with her and I had met my goal. Looking back at her end years, I still feel I made the right decisions for her at the right time. Sometimes I think the hysterics are b/c the person regrets not having done more. (Especially for those that have lived very long lives) .

Summary: Do what you think is best and forget about what your siblings do or don't do. They have geography and family history working against them be much help. Good luck

This is definitely when spirituality helps a body.

Try to remember that you did what you did out of love, and are still doing the same. Don't compare your relationship with your mom to that of your siblings, because it isn't the same. You're much closer to her; understand her ways; and, in many ways, get driven more CRAZY by her than anyone else. Ha!

As to "My sister says I'm bitter," I wouldn't even want to go DOWN that road with her. This should suffice, said with a little tilting/nod of your head, shrug of your shoulder and a small smile: "Yeah, maybe I am. I'll have to work on that."

What do you care what she thinks anyhow? You know the truth. (And maybe you are somewhat bitter. I can't help feeling that you have a right to be.)

Out of town and non-visiting relatives are simply Monday morning quarter backs and their comments have no connection to reality. Use FIDO (forget it drive on)

Do you mind

a) that your sister and brother didn't share more of the caregiving tasks with you?

or

b) that they are apparently having more fun than you are?

or

c) a bit of both?

I probably sound censorious, like I think there's something wrong with such feelings. I don't there's anything wrong with feeling as you do. I agree with Maggie, maybe not so much that anyone has a right to, but certainly that it's completely natural - and I've definitely put in my hours grumbling and harrumphing about how useless, uncaring, immature, selfish etc etc etc my siblings are.

The thing is, though, that what matters is what happens next. What matters is what will make YOU feel better. And resenting, envying or despising one's siblings just doesn't help.

How you treat your mother is up to you. Granted, if there are two other people to share the visits, chores, admin and so on - well, many hands make light work, of course. But even so, your sister and brother didn't MAKE you do anything. If they skipped off and left your mother to it… well, you had the same opportunity. It's not their fault you didn't take it. It IS to your credit that you chose otherwise, but it's still not their doing. They're an irrelevance in your decision.

So they sodded off, and you were left holding mother. Well, of course you're not impressed. I know the feeling. Gee thanks folks, I'll do the same for you some day… But you know we still DO have the option of dumping our mothers. We choose not to, that's all.

Now in a fairytale world, good little girls get tinsel and presents and naughty selfish girls and boys get lumps of coal and a stick. But this is the real world, and that's not how it works. As grown ups, we know that. If you still care at all about your brother and your sister, wish them well and try not to judge them. Their wellbeing is no skin off your nose. If you can't, that's fine too; just let them be and try not to dwell on them. Your own peace of mind is all you should be concerned about.

If continuing to care for your mother is wrecking your life, ask for help. You can ask your sister and brother, and keep asking, gently, for your mother's sake; but don't leave it at that. Are there friends or neighbours you could call on, perhaps? The world is full of good people. You don't need your siblings' help. The important thing is that your mother will be fine, and that you're not carrying more than you can bear. Think through what will happen if you don't do something that you don't want to do. If your mother will come to no harm, then don't do it. If she might, then try delegating - maybe someone else can sit with her if she's lonely, pick up a new nightdress when they go shopping, or whatever it is. It doesn't have to be YOU.

Your siblings' finding it hard to deal with her negativity - that, I would find infuriating: it's a tribute to you that you are so understanding. And why haven't they found a way to cope, as you have? Because they haven't put in the effort. I could get very sarcastic indeed about how much sympathy they'd get from me for finding their mother a trial. Good for you that you don't! But, again, their not sharing that burden does not mean you have to continue to carry it. Put it down. If your mother's upsetting or depressing you, there are several approaches that can help you separate her unhappiness from your life.

Rereading your post, I think your sister might have it about right, you know. She does turn up, regularly if not frequently, and she sweetens her visits by mixing them with things she enjoys. She's probably doing what she can cope with. Maybe, just possibly, rather than resenting her you might take a small leaf out of her book? Stop doing more than you can do happily, and see what you can do to add more enjoyment to your life.

Thank you all for your wonderful responses. They are very helpful and enlightening.
I agree, and I will take all of the advice!

Mom is in a safe environment....maybe u are a little bitter at the unfairness of life. So do something about it...take a week, plan an outing, reconnect with an out of town friend.....have some selfish fun, it will feel good.

Oooohoohoo.! Spoonful, this is another angle that you might find interesting…

We're about five hours ahead of you and I've just got mother to get to bed. Now get this: she pipes up, as she's snuggling down, with her bright idea of the day that "one of the others" should come and stay to look after her because it must be so limiting for me to have to be here all the time.

Well, now. What I need is to arrange better professional care and get my a** back to work, is what I need; not a couple of days with reluctant siblings holding the fort. Meanwhile, though, if she thinks she's starting in on blaming her other three children for not taking a share in her care..! I'm afraid I saw red. She hasn't got a leg to stand on. I'm stuck with her because I volunteered. But she's stuck with me because she refused to make an intelligent plan for her old age, not because she has wicked children who don't love their mummy. If you won't make a choice, you get what you're given - and I'm the only one who offered.

Sorry mother: it's me or the care home. Take your pick.

We tend to forget others are either going through the same things we are or have it worse. I needed a reminder that I am not alone.

Youve every right to be jealous of them having a life BUT i think my siblings are jealous of me because i am here doing the right thing and they just havnt got it in them dosnt matter what your mum is like shes your mum and needs to be looked after unless shes beating the head off you you do what you can and find peace when its all over!

I was feeling very resentful about my brother and his lack of interest/concern for our mom. I finally started putting more "fun" in my own life and that tempered my anger at my brother. When you have things you enjoy and look forward to doing, the caregiving stresses will seem less important and all-consuming.

I also limited the days I see my mom, giving myself the weekend off. Just knowing I have two days to myself (yipeee!!) has given me a tremendous mental boost. So maybe cut down the time you spend with your mom/on your mom's stuff, since she's in a place where she's safe and cared for.

When my mom passes, I'll reassess my relationship with my brother and may end our communication, I'm not sure. I still find his self-involvement hard to understand and accept. But that's a decision for another day.