I have been a caregiver for both of my parent for several years. I am not very old though as I am in my early 30s. I have put my life on hold for the most part.
They both smoke and refuse to smoke outside. The smoke in my laundry room. They took over most of the house and I just get the basement. My mom has severe COPD and is on oxygen. They both have mobility issues.
I try to be understanding but it is a daily fight. I cannot tolerate cigarette smoke as I am allergic and have a rare autoimmune disorder which flares from cigarette smoke. They often leave the door open and this room is off the kitchen and barely crack the window because it is cold outside.
It was my understanding they were going to occasionally going to smoke in there in front of a window and go outside when it was nice. This has not been what has happened. I get a space in a small basement and can’t stand to be in the rest of the house as it smells awful. The smell often makes it downstairs.
She is a compulsive shopper and he is a hoarder. They have filled the whole 2 car garage with junk they agreed to get rid of. Some of it has been due to a lot of work by me. They have very little money and most they spend on cigarettes.
Mom has had pneumonia for a year and half. I think it is from her COPD worsening. They both have had strokes and have spine problems. She also is incontient and needs a fecal sac.
I need help. Am I being unreasonable asking them to smoke outside. There is a deck right off the sunroom. I am miserable and I they don’t seem to happy to follow the rules.
I pay 85% of the cost and they pay the rest. They put money towards the down payment since the house would of been more than I could afford without it. Housing here is expensive.
Also so I am in the least expensive area for the city. It also wasn’t my idea rather it was theirs.
Obviously I can’t force them to move. So what options do I have. I already asked them to move. They do not want to move or live in apartment and even if I have them to down payment they couldn’t afford a senior apartment here as most of them are very expensive. They have no retirement at all on SS.
This works so well that my mom, who is an ex smoker thought I didn't smoke in my house. I laughed and said only out of courtesy to you, actually I didn't want to listen to her biotching about the smoke. But it does take care of the smoke and odor.
I think that them risking blowing the house up is a huge problem. I think I would ask them if they even gave a crap about me. Their bad habit risks your health and welfare and that doesn't seem to bother them. Would they prefer to be in a facility? Because quite frankly that is where they will end up if your immune system goes crazy from constant exposure to irritants.
I used to have a sign in my office that said, "Second hand smoke is the result of your habit, excessive urination is the result of mine. I don't mind breathing your second hand smoke if you don't mind me peeing on your head."
Oh btw, I quit smoking 10 years ago and recommend it. I feel so much better. I used e cigs that look like cigarettes and taste like them, none of that vaping flavors business.
Good luck, it is a terrible habit that is hard to break because it truly increases the serotonin in your system.
I smoked in the past for a couple of year but it made me extremely sick so I quit and my doctor told me to make sure to stay away from all sources of second hand smoke since I have a vascular disorder.
How old are they? How many years more could you be "putting your life on hold", or in fact actively shortening it due to the effect the smoking has on your health (not to mention all the other stresses you mention)?
Can you get an outside job and find a roommate situation? Non-smoking, of course!
I don’t need a roommate and I have a fun-time job. I could of afforded a smaller house. I was just pushed in to a larger more specific house due to their needs. I know this isn’t going to work long term but how do I get them to move out when I already asked.
They are only in there late 50s.
I have already told them several times this isn’t working out and they need to move. I also told them I want to live by myself.
They just pretend like I never said it.
So really what are my options?
How can I find housing option for two people with SS as their only income, loans, and tons of stuff?
The average home price here is in the mid 300,000 low is in the 200,000. Studio Apartments start above $1,000.
Most lower income places have a long waiting list. Anything affordable is gone the same day. The previous place I rented took 3 months to find and I had a good budget to work with. It is one of the most in demand areas to live. It use to be affordable but it isn’t so much anymore.
Most don’t accept pets. They have 3 dogs.
I am aware the situation needs to change but what options do I have?
Nursing homes have areas outside designated for smokers. I guess some assisted living facilities do too. I know when my mom did rehab at the NH I would see the smokers go outside.
You’re dealing with more than a smoking issue though.
Hoarding issue, geeeeez. If you can live separately later on, I’d do it. You deserve better. Best wishes to you and your family.
It might have helped if the rules were clearer when they moved in – or it might have made no difference. You need some rules now, and some penalties (like you leave) if the rules aren’t followed. That might cause some arguments about the finances, but that might be easier to deal with than trying to monitor the smoking.
I think that getting rid of the smoking and its health issues for you, is more important than moral judgements on whether or not smoking is acceptable. If it’s your house, it has to be healthy for you. You won’t win on the ‘moral’ judgements, but you have to win on the health risks.
I just want they to respect my wishes and not impact my health.
These let me take of my parents in my home just end up being a mess, time to let go and move forward with your life.
Sending support your way.
They have three dogs and lots of stuff. How woukd I be able to force them to go into assisted living?
Purchase several room hepa filters, placing two nearby where they smoke.
Keep increasing their share until they can afford to pay their own housing.
It was a mistake to have them invest in the house. It will be you who must move to protect your health if you cannot pay them back.
Get an attorney to disentangle you and your parents financially.
I can understand how you are stuck. I doubt they even think it is your house.
I just bought the house a few years ago so I am not sure I could sell the house financially.
Get some help if you are not creative.
Have separate entrances.
You parents are only in their 50's, they could potentially live many more years, even with their self destructive habits.
You need to get out of there. Best bet is sell the house, return their downpayment with interest, use your mortgage rate of interest, and move on. There is no good outcome if you continue to live together. Your health will be compromised, the value of the house will be compromised and you will just resent your parents for their bad choices.
Buy a place you can afford, in a community you like and let them fend for themselves. I am in my early 50's and cannot imagine putting my kids through what your parents are doing to you.
Start living your life for yourself, which is what a person in their 30's should be doing.
I do not think I would be able to sell the house and make enough to do that. I have to still pay the relator and closing costs. The house was just bought a couple of years ago.
It obviously was not my idea. They told me they had no other options and would of been living in their car. The things they told me weren’t exactly true. They guilted me into it. They had other options but took advantage of me since I make a good income and they didn’t want to downsize or scale down their lifestyles
And no I wouldn’t expect any parent to act the way they have.
You've been their caregiver for several years. You're in your early thirties. How old are they? And when did they hoodwink you into agreeing to this household set-up?
If I were you I think I'd be looking for an out. Not so much just over the smoking issue, but over the fact that they don't want to change, they aren't going to change, it is futile imagining that they will change and arguably it is their right not to change. So unless you're happy to carry on sharing as is... where's the exit?
They can retrieve their down payment, you can get back your share, and then you get a one-person dwelling and start again. What they do is their problem.
They are in there late 50s. It has been about 2.5 - 3 years.
Are you aware if one or both may have a narcissistic personality disorder?
It is not likely that you will be able to change them.
Maybe someone who smokes could offer you a solution to your health problems.
Can the garage be made into an in-law suite?
I sincerely hope you find a solution, even if what I have posted is not an answer for you.
I think a family sharing a property could be a good idea for some people.
They do ligate have lots and lots of health problems and a quite a bit of mental decline. They ligate forget everything so I always have to retell things over and over.
I also know they have quite a bit of depression. Again my Dad was disabled when I was one. So I don’t think they have any personality disorders.
But they need to do the things they will help them. Including getting the treatment they need, develop a budget, live within their means.
Good luck! And hugs! It's hard to put your life on hold when it should be just starting up. :(
I left to go to the store and it is 60 degrees outside and they were still smoking inside, and when confronted they said well you weren’t here and I am like I still expect you to go outside. And then claimed they opened the window so that was as good as going outside.
They then just get mad and tell me I am a horrible child. Then they just go back to doing what they want
How is do you enforce the rules when you are dealing with bad behavior and diminished mental capabilities?
It seems like I have been help them my whole life as my Dad was disabled as a kid. He got better for a decade. Then in the middle of college mom got disabled. I even moved to out of state to get away at 28 but had to move back to help and to get out of a bad relationship.
i don’t know how they can be so rude and disrespectful to my wishes when I have spent most of my life helping them.
Contact the Colorado Springs Area Agency on Aging at (719) 471-2096, Monday through Friday 9AM to 3PM. Check out the website at http://www.ppacg.org/aging/
Look into how you could legally evict them. Talk to a lawyer, find out what the situation is in regard to tenants' rights in your area. Then sell whatever you need to, borrow from a trusted friend or from a bank or take on a second job in order to repay the money they gave you. Send them on their way to do what they will with themselves, as we all must do in this world (I'm assuming they are not demented).
Move out (sleep on a non-smoking friend's couch or find a non-smoking roommate) and rent out the basement to a smoker who is OK with hoarding and pets because the price is right. Alternatively, rent out the basement as an AirBnB for budget-minded smokers. Do this until things reach a crisis point with one or both of your parents and you are then able to get them out of the house and into some sort of care.
Run away. Just leave the situation entirely. Cut your losses and save your health and sanity.
Go into therapy to try to gain insight into the damaging effects of having emotionally abusive or neglectful parents, and how to set boundaries with this sort of parent to protect yourself since THEY won't. Strive to get some clarity as to why on earth you set up this damaging, impossible, no-win situation for yourself. Learn and implement strategies for healing, self-care, self-esteem.
The ONE thing you can't do is control them, make them do this or that, feel this or that, comply with this or that previously agreed upon thing. Surely that is clear by now. You can only control yourself.
I didn’t set this up it was not even my idea and if I had known what I know now I wouldn’t of. They needed help and made agreements when this was decided to be done. I obviously didn’t have all the information at the time.
Even if I choose to find a place for them to move to they could still be unagreeable. Also even if I sell the house they can still choose not to move. Also selling a house is not cheap. Housing is hard to find and expensive.
Every solution is obviously going to cost money and I do have limitations. I do not have a money tree and I have health problem myself.
Therefore no matter what I do it will not be easy.
You’ve received good advice here. They go or you go. They can get their names on a waiting list and apply for subsidized housing.
You must decide as this situation can go on for decades if you don’t get them out on their own now.
If you can pay back the down payment to them or refinance now while the rates are good and pay them out of the equity of the house. This will give them a good chuck of change to find their own way. If you can’t afford to pay them back you said it was a gift, so it doesn’t need to be repaid but if I had the capital you bet that’s what I would do.
Else you are stuck. They aren’t going to move out without some sort of legal order.
I don’t envy you but enough is enough. It’s your life.
I wish you luck as in your responses I can tell how anguished you are & how you feel there is no way out. Stop living your life on their terms.
Your parents are returned to the position they were in when they decided to lean on you. The difference will be that now that they won't have you to lean on they will have to think of something else.
You are returned to the position where, although you can't afford to get a share in a house as large and nice as the one you now live in (or a bit of it, anyway), you are no worse off than you would have been without their input.
On the plus side: they will have to rethink their plans as an independent adult couple, which won't do them any harm; and you will escape the cigarette smoke along with the resentment and frustration and thanklessness that are currently making you miserable, and you will have no further obligation towards your parents.
Unless I'm missing something else?
Granted there will be costs to this upheaval, granted it won't go down well with your parents. But what's the alternative? Wouldn't you like to start over, given the chance?
Get rid of all of their cigarettes so they can't smoke. As you describe your parents, they are barely able to move around, so it shouldn't be hard to confiscate and destroy all that you find. (Be sure to look for and destroy any "secret stashes".) Since it's your house, you have every right to do so. And since you say they agreed to certain smoking rules in exchange for living with you which they've now completely ignored to the detriment of your health and everyone's safety, I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to declare the house a tobacco-free zone.
And make sure no more cigarettes come into the house. How on earth are they getting them, anyway? A smoking caregiver who comes in? Do they somehow painfully hobble down to the corner store with an oxygen tank in tow? I don't believe it's legal to order cigarettes by mail so I don't think that's it. But, no matter. However they are getting them, put a stop to it. If YOU are buying them for them, stop that right now!
If it were me, I would go on an all out WAR on the smoking. Someone is going to be miserable in this situation, why does it have to be you? I would find every ding dangity cigarette in that house and get rid of them. If I caught them smoking in my house, I'd snatch that cigarette out of their hand so fast they wouldn't know what hit them...either that or douse it with a spray bottle full of water. And I would let them know the WAR is on. My way or the highway... Yeah, I know it would be hard but you have got to sell that house, get them their money back and figure out something else. I bet they'd be more willing to move if they couldn't smoke...my mom was darn near on her death bed and all she wanted was more cigarettes. So much so that she caught her couch on fire multiple times. Good luck to you, but seriously, bring on the war!
PS I've just read more down the thread, and the house is in your own name. It's still the same option - see a lawyer about evicting them and then present them with the choices. While you go along with their line that 'you can't do this to us', you are digging yourself into your own hole. A couple in their 50s can find somewhere to live, hopefully a long way away from you.
Tell them they have 3 options.
1.) Quit smoking
2.) Smoke ONLY outside. Not in the garage, OUTSIDE!
3.) You can help them look for Assisted Living facilities or Memory Care if that is more appropriate.
You are not unreasonable this request if for your health as well as theirs.
Once you have eliminated the smoking in the house you will have to decide what needs to be done to eliminate the odor.
Remove or replace carpet if cleaning does not work.
Repainting the walls
Replacing drapes if cleaning does not remove odors, same with couches, chairs and all other upholstered items.
You say ‘Obviously I can’t force them to move’. No, it isn’t obvious. Go to a lawyer. You say ‘How can I find housing option for two people’. You don’t have to - at age 50s it’s their responsibility to house themselves. You say that they are paying only 15% of total running costs including groceries. Put the rent up – their share is two thirds of the total. (The accountant in me says two thirds of the mortgage interest but not of the capital repayments). If that’s too much on a disability pension, they need cheaper housing, not the ‘lifestyle’ choice they have saddled you with. I’m 72, I too have serious scoliosis, my husband has chronic migraine, and no-one makes all these concessions to us. Less pocket money could help curb the smoking and compulsive shopping. The parents don’t get their ‘contribution’ back either – it was a gift, they pushed the sharing for their benefit, and they have not paid their way since then. The interest on it went into the mortgage to provide their lifestyle housing. At most morally, they get back the contribution less the costs of this whole purchase/sale/mortgage fiasco for which they pushed – and less the cost of clearing out their hoarded junk.
It’s clear that even without the smoking problem, you shouldn’t be living in such an expensive place yourself, and you shouldn’t be sharing with your parents. Stop saying ‘yes, but’, and accept that’s what you are aiming for. Then get legal advice about how to make it happen. If you don’t change yourself, you can’t change anything else. It’s tough, but not as tough as facing this situation for another 30 or 40 years.
My impression is that you wouldn’t have the kind of housing you do (and the mortgage rate you do) without their “help” with the down payment. I don’t know where you live (Im guessing it rhymes with “California”), or what the property laws are there, but I would think that they would be seen something more than mere tenants in the eyes of the law. I believe they have equity in the home no matter whose name is on the deed. They have rights of some sort and it sounds as if you may not want to cross them, if only for the karmic price tag, since they sound ornery.
In the long run : Buy them out, find housing that is commensurate with your earning ability, or put up with their smoking until you no longer have to.
In the short run: How reasonable might it be to expect people in their condition to leave the house to smoke? Yes, I know it’s unpleasant and unhealthy but how much life do they have left? Are they likely to make big changes. I’m a little concerned about O2 being in the house if mom is smoking there. I have never heard of anyone doing that. From their perspective, smoking may be the only pleasure they have now. That doesn’t make it right or even rational, but you might try a little sweetness and see if that doesn’t get you any closer to what you want.
Is there some kind of filtration equipment that would help clear the air? They should go in with you for that, especially if it’s a capital improvement.
I’m sorry. As a former smoker who first took up the habit relatively late (dummy that I am), I know it’s not a pleasant habit for the nonsmokers who live with them. Where I live, residents go outside to smoke, but there is a written agreement to that effect. (I can’t wait til pot is legal and I can just open my door for a contact high!😛)
Good luck.
Demanding more money from them really isn’t going to fix your environment (unless there is something that helps clear the air, though I know that smoke just gets into everything no matter what you do). But they (or their insurance) should be paying for the services they need, with you doing for them whatever you feel is in your ability, given your job, other commitments, and all that.
I had already owned owned a house and had to sell it so I could buy another one. The down payment was entirely their idea. Like I have said I pay 85 percent of the bills.
I have spend most of my life helping them.
Please bother to read before insinuating that I owe them something. I have a right to live my own life and do what is best for my health.
I don’t think I am expecting to much from them to smoke outside as their is a porch that is level with the house. They are still able to walk.
As I stated I don’t see anything wrong with them smoking as long as I am not exposed to it. I am allergic to smoke and it flares my autoimmune disorder.
I'm sorry that your parents are so difficult. You deserve much better and I hope that you are able to make some positive changes soon.
I got a good degree in a good field and paid my own way through college. I also have a good paying job that is demanding.
It is very hard to be a live in caregiver when the rolls change. Most kids don’t want to have to help support their parent in their 20s to 30s. They want to get married and have kids and have their own lives.
I am a smoker, I do smoke in one SMALL room myself with door open to outside no matter the weather and blowing smoke in that direction. I have also used smokeless ashtrays in my smoking area and air filters in the rest of the house. I try to be respectful of others but they should also be respectful of my sad addiction. And trying to make old folks just drop the habit..forget it. Not going to happen so deal with it. No one is going to change just to cater to you, if they are not changing habits for their own health then you are SOL. I can also say that a sheet over the closed door that re enters the house does cut down on any residual smoke entering. Add in a few holms air purifiers and you would never know a smoker lived in my house.
If you have been reduced to a basement, sounds like you are not in their favor. At 30 something I would suggest you quit your whining of why you are probably on disability and go find yourself a trailer or apt. Not sounding like they are needing 24/7 care at all.
Um and no one has pneumonia for a year and half, they would be dead. Move on, or buy some air purifying gadgets. BTW smoke travels UP, not DOWN into a basement, you are exaggerating.
Hate to sound mean here, but you are sounding like a trolling poor poor me whiny baby. No pity vote from me.
Consider having a chat with your local fire department. Allow them to check the O2 and counsel about the dangers of smoking and O2.
Original poster, I wish you well!
Yours truly,
SnoopyLove