How can I get my Mom to understand that having her sociopathic daughter 100% in control of her life, health and finances is a bad idea?
I am concerned about my elderly mom's welfare, but since I live in a different state there is little I can do to change anything. The root of the problem is that my sister took control of every facet of our mom's life after our dad passed away several years ago. My mom trusts her unconditionally, although my sister is a life-long liar, manipulator and thief. My mom is willfully blind to my sister's ways and has given her a sizeable amount of money (~ $200k) in various ways since my father's death. One of my biggest concerns right now is that my sister doles out our mom's array of almost 20 different medications into the dosage dispenser. My sister is a big pothead, and I strongly suspect she does more serious drugs as well. I just feel like at any time my sister can slip other drugs into my mom's containers, or mess with the dosages, etc. She works for a doctor group and in the past has had access to drugs such as Morphine and Ambien. After our dad's death she was giving our mom Ambien that wasn't prescribed to her. She was having her cut them in half thinking they would be less powerful, but it would really conk her out since they are designed as time-released pills. The whole family was there together and we all talked about the effects of Ambien, how you can drive and not be aware of what you are doing, etc. A month later when I discussed it with my mom she flatly denied ever taking Ambien. I think my sister told her to deny it fearing I would report her for giving unprescribed drugs to our mom. I just worry that she can keep our mom in a foggy state to be able to slip things over on her more easily. I suggested to my mom recently that we switch her over to the PillPak system where your prescriptions come grouped in sealed dosage packets. That would relieve my sister from her "duty" and I feel would be a safer way to dispense my mom's meds. But our mom is very resistant to any change and is perfectly content to have my sister in control of her meds. It is truly frustrating that any ideas I have to help keep her safe fall on deaf ears.
Other concerns are my sister's total control of our mom's financial matters. Only she and our mom know what is in the will. I and my brothers are kept in the dark. So even though our mom tells us we are all equal beneficiaries of her will, and we think her intention is to treat us all equally, we won't know until after our mom is gone how that will shake down. I have a pretty good hunch my sister had duped my mom into making her POD on her bank accounts, and sole beneficiary of her annuities. So all that may be left of the estate would be her car and furnishings. The rest would all go to our sister. I am the only one of my siblings that truly doesn't need any money since I have done quite well in life, but I think my sister would love the opportunity to tell me my mother wanted to give me nothing. This would be a big "win" for her since I cut ties with her and this would make good payback. But if I bring up the subject to my mom now while she's alive, I will be labeled "greedy" and "paranoid". Again, very frustrating.
This whole thing has been a nightmare for me since my sister does everything possible to destroy my mom's relationship with me. When I visit she will accuse me (behind my back) of taking something or hiding something that later turns up. This is so hard for me because I am a very conscientious and trustworthy person, and wealthy to boot. I hear it through the grapevine usually months later. It breaks my heart how I am being slandered so as to alienate me from my mom and sibs, and am not there to defend myself.
This time of life has been so sad for me. It is painful to know my mom has put herself in a situation where she is an easy target for abuse and exploitation. But that's how she wants it, so there's nothing I can do to change it. Still, it saddens me and has put a dark cloud over my otherwise happy life. I recently had a birthday and my mom called a week before telling me she was sending a card and some other things, and to make sure she addressed it right. Never did get it. She usually asks my sister to mail things for her, and my toxic sister is more than happy to "oblige". She, being the devious conniving sociopath that she is, loves this situation where she has all the power and control in the family. I vacillate between profound sadness and resolving to no longer give a crap. Anyone have any advise for me? I've come to believe it's a pretty hopeless situation.
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It's just that I've read and reread your account, and I think of you lying awake rehearsing it, and it occurs to me that you could be writing on my sister's behalf. She, too, has had to endure the nightmare of her feckless, irresponsible, untrustworthy younger sister (that's me she'd be talking about, by the way) gradually and secretively usurping control of her well-off widowed mother's life etc etc etc and I wonder: would your sister recognise herself from your description?
One point that chimed loudly is that I particularly remember the almost-wail with which my sister remarked that my mother still had the right to alter her will..! I chose not to rise to that and pretended I had no idea what implications, pray, might be of such concern to her, but I smiled inside. My sister, too, is wealthy and doesn't need the money - it would be the injustice of four siblings not being treated with scrupulous equity that bothers her. As it happens, I have no idea what's in my mother's will - I expect cats feature - and had she wanted to change it I still would have no idea, although I would have facilitated her attorney's visiting. So my sister can rest her mind.
Rather than rely on the grapevine, why don't you confront your sister with your key fears? Maybe you could, too.
2ndbest: Thought for sure your story must have been written by my other sister! I have 2 sisters. Our mother recently died at almost 101 years of age, so I'm no spring chicken, am stunned and embittered anyway. There was close to $400K left at the end, from the sale of a condo and my frugal mother's life savings. Our mother made no pretense, never claimed to be leaving her assets equally to her 3 daughters, played us against each other from childhood, but Sister#2 and I hoped to inherit 1/3 of CDs/Bank Shares promised to us, and Mom was evasive. Years ago, Mom wanted to leave her condo to Sister #3/the youngest and most needy. Sister#3 insisted her name be added as an additional beneficiary of the CDs. The condo was sold when Mom entered a retirement home at age 97. When our mother was almost 99 years old, we recently found out, Sister#3 took Mom to three banks holding Mom's money, and had everything, every last cent, made POD to herself, Sister#3. Sister#2 and I were, in effect disinherited. We all did as much as we could for our mother when she was alive, especially in her declining years, and I even delivered the eulogy at her memorial service. There was enough money to leave something to Sister#2 and myself. Sister#3 demonized us to our mother, bribed our mother with stuff, (clothes/jewelry/perfume/flat-screen tv!), and inherited everything. Life goes on for the living, but without possibility of family reconciliation, Mom's legacy and the real loss.