Would you move into your elderly parent's house to take care of them if they absolutely forbid your innocent spouse from coming to the home? My mother despises my husband and won't have him on her property. He has done nothing wrong, but if I stayed up there to tend to her, I wouldn't even get to see him (except on the rare occasion I could leave her home to meet him somewhere). I really don't want her to have to go to a nursing home, but I don't want to live without my husband and never get to see him.
I am so glad that my mother doesn't want my husband around. He would be there all the time, he is retired and that's what he does, help people. It would be constant, so now my brothers have to do it. It really worked out in are favor in a lot of ways.
When the elderly need to start relying on others to do for them, then its no longer what they want but what they need. If you feel you have a duty to Mom, that duty is to help find her a safe place to live where she is cared for. You can visit if you want, take her goodies. But with ur Mom there needs to be boundries. And those boundries are on your terms not hers. She needs u more than you need her.
When you marry your father gives you to your husband. When a man marries, he leaves his mother and cleaves to his wife. The parents allow their children to fly the nest. Then the parents start a new part of their lives. The children now fend for themselves. Not that we aren't there for each other but we don't depend on the other financially or expect the other to be our happiness.
Seems the good die young and the miserable seem to live forever. Maybe God is giving the miserable a little longer to mend their ways. Problem is, the family suffers.
Your husband is #1 as u should be to him. Your children come next. They should never become the main focus in a family. Grands come next. After marriage parents remain part of our lives but should never become the main focus over a spouse. You do not owe your Mom the sacrificing of your husband or your marriage. And she is not being fair expecting it.
If she needs help, you can arrange care. You are not required to destroy your family.
So that's me.
For you?
Your choice.
I don't allow such awful people in my life. Not for a single second. And whether they go to a nursing home or not is simply of no importance to me.
But when I do I worry about my brother doing to much, 12 yrs younger than me, so I pretty much raised him. 911 espogus, PTSD, has lost 20 something friends to suicide. No matter how difficult he can be. I'm doing it to pay it forward to all are services men and women, that need are support and that kept us safe! If I can keep him a little less stress then I helped him. I will from now on put me first , but I will keep paying it forward for him and do what I can
If she needs that much care, she needs to be placed, your roll is to be the daughter, not her caregiver, dedicating your adult life to her.
My mother is 98 in AL, really likes it, she has friends her own age to TT, activities and she doesn't have to lift a finger. I believe my mother will live to 100, and so might your mother.
Place her, get on with your life before you husband say bye, bye.
(has she always felt this way about your husband?)
If mom is cognizant you explain that You and Husband are together and you plan to stay that way. Since he does not want him in the house she can hire caregivers to come in and help with what is needed.
If that is not acceptable then looking for Assisted Living would be the other step.
You do not indicate what help mom needs or what her condition is.
If mom has dementia she will need 24/7/365 care and you can not do that alone. Will she allow other help to come in? If not this can end up being a nightmare for you.
When you say "Nursing Home" that to me indicates Skilled Nursing facility. Is that what she really needs? Skilled Nursing is vastly different than Assisted Living or Memory Care.
You might want to tour facilities that have the level of care that your mom needs and see what is available and you might change your mind
I've decided this
I come first
Husband comes second
And mom comes 3rd
From now on
I did it in hopes mom would change, hope she would make me feel like she was proud of me, and me and my husband was accepted.
Well none of that happened!! I never would or will move in, I go there 3 or 4 days a week. Still too much but it is what it is.
But you absolutely shouldn't ruin your life and marriage! You won't get what you're hopping for
Continue to lean on this forum for support.
We care!
Your mother will be miserable wherever she is. Her problem is that she is 97. She’s already miserable and she’s trying to take you down with her .
You don’t want to put your Mom in a facility because she won’t like it . Guess what ? , we send kids to daycare and school that don’t want to go either. People work at jobs that they don’t like .
But these things are necessary .
Your mother needs care , you don’t have to be the solution . A facility may be necessary. You are not responsible for your mother’s happiness. You didn’t make her old and you can’t fix old .
A school for seniors, who aren’t respectful of their daughters and their son in laws! Sort of like a reform school for her mom!
Sorry for being a bit facetious, but it’s the first thing that came to mind when I read your comment about parents sending their kids to daycare.
She hasn't earned the right to abuse you just because she's 97! Get her placed and realize she's already lived a VERY long life. She can go on to live to over 100 in managed care and you can live in peace with DH as you should.
Just because your evil mom is 97, is no reason to move in with her and take more of her abuse, and leave your poor husband behind.
Your husband/marriage, children, and grandchildren come WAY before your mom, so get your head on straight and tell your mom that she's on her own and can either hire 24/7 in home help(with her own money and NOT yours)or she can find the nursing facility she'd like to live out her days in.
There are NO other logical or sane choices here, and I hope and pray that you realize that, before you do irreversible damage to your marriage.
All I had said was "I mean WT(and I'll let you fill in the last letter)??? And what is wrong with you??? Both of which I personally see nothing wrong with, as sometimes the OP needs a reality check.
I guess we'll see if AC removes my reply as well.
My mother adapted very well to her ‘end of life’ hospice care home. She died at age 95.
Her care became too much for us to manage. It was a relief for all of us when she went into her care home, including my mom. They had everything needed for a person with her needs.
You will never be able to provide what professionals can provide.
If there is one thing that I can pass onto you that helped me the most, it’s this, “You can do more for your mom as an advocate than trying to do the impossible by yourself at home.”
BarbBrooklyn educated me on the importance of being an advocate. In my opinion, she is one of the strongest advocates on this forum!
I would take all of Barb’s postings to heart if I were you. She kept nudging me in the right direction when I was lost and confused. I am forever grateful for her guidance.
"I'm sure my mother has talked about me; my cousin quit talking to me and there's no other reason that would happen other than my mother slandering me. My mother ALSO talked about my own HUSBAND - TO ME - complaining that he didn't do enough for her, or what he did wasn't right, blah blah blah.....nothing was ever good enough. The man worked like a dog trying to help her and all he got was abuse. He mowed her yard every Friday morning; she told me herself that he only mowed one time in 4 months. Nasty. I can't even tell you how disgusting this is. The entitlement is off the charts. She worked her own brother like a dog because she had no one else. He's been gone for a long time. You would think she would appreciate someone helping her - but oh hell no, not a chance. She can kiss my a**. Four months of it was all I could take. It's literally unbelievable."
Your mother doesn't sound like a nice person.
Nor would I ever allow my mother to move into my home if she despised my husband!
My mother is deceased. I did care for her. She loved my husband and respected him.
Parents don’t have the right to interfere with our marriages. You are in control of your own marriage.
If you don’t want to see your mom in a nursing home, you will have to look at other options for her. She can hire a private caregiver or hire a caregiver from an agency.
If she can’t afford to pay for others to care for her, her only alternative is to apply for Medicaid and enter a nursing home. Or if she owns a home, perhaps she can sell it to pay for an assisted living facility.
You already know the answer to your question. You said that you would not want to live without your husband.
I think you are asking for validation for your feelings on this matter.
Well, I am confirming how you feel. You should never sacrifice being with your husband for your mom.
Your feelings are correct. Her feelings are wrong. Follow your heart and stay with your husband.
You haven’t told us about your mom’s health. Can you share with us what she needs help with? How old is she?
You sound like a daughter who cares deeply for her mom. I understand this but you have a right to set boundaries. Just because you love someone, it doesn’t mean that they are allowed to use you as their doormat.
Respect is earned. If she doesn’t love you enough to respect your husband, then she doesn’t deserve your support.
Wishing you all the best.
She is 97 years old. That's the main reason for my concern - I don't know how someone of that age will be able to acclimate to a completely new environment.
She has always had excellent health although she is growing quite feeble and frail. She uses a walker and has fallen a few times. There's absolutely no reason for her disdain and nastiness towards my husband. You are right, I'm not going to stay with her under these conditions.
Don’t do it! I can’t imagine any husband putting up with it.
Mom goes to a place where they can care for her according to her health issues. No brainer.
Do not move in with your parents and do not EVER let them move in with you. Your spouse comes first over your parents, all the time no matter what circumstances your parents are in.
Do not ever pay for their care. Do not manage their care unless they make you DPoA. They can pay to have aids come into their home if they don't want to go into a facility. Should they ever go into one, do not pay for any of it.
I understand your hesitancy about placing a parent in a facility, but in my own experience many of them are quite nice and the residents get all their needs addressed, even socially. There may come a day when you are overwhelmed by the care of 2 very needy elders, so before you judge facilities, please visit some gooe ones.
I wouldn't blame your husband if he doesn't lift a finger to help. He doesn't have to. Don't assume him into caregiving your parents -- it would be immoral and unethical to do so.