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He gets up in the night, goes to toilet but soils pyjamas and removes them. Returns to bed and it’s a mess. He also removes depends. Moderate dementia. Doesn’t understand what to do and denies it’s him.

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I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time.
It is unfortunate and not fair to either one of you.
You can
a) manage the clean up. It's going to be a lot of work, and there are tools to help make it easier, such as disposable bed pads, keeping wipes near the toilet, maybe he can use to clean himself, just resign yourself to changing and washing the bedding every day, and bathing him.
b) stay up all night, or hire a care provider to stay up at nights to help him to the bathroom.
c) it is time for placement in a skilled nursing facility. Everyone has their limit. This is one that would prompt many into seeking care in a facility, because it is so difficult to manage on your own at home.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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Beethoven13 10 hours ago
And don’t let anyone put wipes in the toilet. It will clog up the plumbing. Every time. Even though some say no clog. If dad is reliable to put them in trash good but many get confused with tp and wipes and then, another clog. With toilet water coming up in the shower, no flushing toilet, and after hours emergency plumbers and $$$. It’s just a little bit of what you asked but it can be a major headache. Agree with adjust diet or maybe use bedside commode. Also placement.
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He’s lost the ability to handle this on his own and now requires help for every bathroom visit or depends change. You’ll need to decide if you can handle this on your own, considering the loss of sleep, or will need another plan to help him. Don’t confront him or argue over what he can’t understand anymore. I’m sorry you’re in this place with him
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Beethoven13 9 hours ago
Consider hiring overnight caregiver that will toilet him during the night and dispose of all diapers and debris and keep his hands clean and him changed and back to bed. It would probably be best for you to sleep in a different room from him. It will take educating the caregiver on where supplies are located and routines. Caregiver could get his breakfast prepped and ready and do a load of laundry overnight and clean and tidy his bathroom and his supplies like diapers while she is there overnight. She can get his clothes ready for the next day, dentures cleaned and ready if appropriate, and get him to bed once she’s there and if you want to step away to your room. If able, she can supervise his am medication or pm medication which ever works best so you don’t have to. Meds need to be in a pill pack organizer . Aides just supervise. Over night hours vary but 10p-6a or 8 pm to 6 or 7 am. Whatever gives you time off to rest and know someone else is managing him. Costs are significant so depending on your situation, this may be a few months solution or longer. If it helps you as a temporary solution, consider it.
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You need to supervise him in the bathroom...day and night.
Yes this means that you get up when he gets up.
OR
There is "anti strip" clothing that you could get and put on him at night. Think of Adult "onesies"

but even with anti strip clothing you will have to supervise him more in the bathroom.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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It might be time to consider placing him in a dementia care facility. My mom's memory care has been excellent.
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Reply to JustAnon
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Try getting him "adaptive" clothing for people with dementia, also called "anti-strip" clothing which can be found on Amazon.com or Silverts.com

Also, review what he is eating at night that might causing him to have BMs in the night.
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Reply to Geaton777
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LimpingGeezer Apr 14, 2026
This is the answer. The food schedule needs to change.
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Hi
firstly I’d look at times he’s eating
eat main meals earlier so that food can digest and toilet earlier
next
my dad uses incontinence lads because he has a knee lock immobile
but we add an incontinence pad in as well that is just removed and use body wipes to wipe
maybe get him to use that and have a lined bin for him to put soiled pants and wipes in - we use small bin bags
lastly speak to his doctor to see if his medication isn’t affecting him
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Reply to Jenny10
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hospice - no one should have to deal with this! OR assisted living - which will be no better.
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Reply to jules925
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lealonnie1 10 hours ago
Do you think a hospice nurse will zip on over to her house at 3am to clean up the husbands bm???? And the man should die bc he is pooping at a bad time???? How bout she dresses him in a disposable brief and anti strip pjs?
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Please, it's time for placement
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Reply to JeanLouise
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In my experience it may be time to make sure your hubby lets you know when he has to get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of the night in order for you to accompany him. At night I tuck my husband in with a baby bumper of sorts. It kind of stops him from getting out of bed at night without me. It's complicated, it's hard, frustrating to have your sleep interrupted, I get it. In the end .. so worth it . Hang in there ..
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Reply to ChosenRoad
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hospice - no one should have to deal with this! OR assisted living - which will be no better. Move to Canada - MAIDS
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