How do I stop living the life of my dead mum?

I think that your mother's death came as a bigger shock because
you did not expect it and because the information that you had
made you believe that it would not happen soon. You thought
you would have more time later to be with her, and to do the things
for her that you wanted to do, or that you thought she wanted
from you. In addition to a terrible loss, you experienced an
unexpected helplessness and perhaps a feeling that you
should have known it was coming or that someone should
have warned you. You probably think that if you had known
or even suspected that she would be gone so soon, that
you would have made more time to spend with her.
The fact that her death was so unexpected by you,
may also be causing you to have fears of losing other
loved ones without warning. This is a common reaction
to a trauma, and clearly your mother's death was not
simply a great loss, but a severe traumatic event that
damaged your sense of your place in the universe.
I have lost my two closest friends and my father
over the past fifteen years. With all three of them I
knew when their health became at risk, and with all
three of them I did as much as I could, or at least
as much as they would allow me to do. I would have
done more if I had had the time and energy and the
knowledge. The hardest thing for me at the times
that they were failing was that I often did not know
what else I could do, despite asking doctors, social
workers and anyone who I thought might have some
answers for me. The truth was that the answers
I was hoping for simply did not exist; that there
really was nothing to be done beyond what I did.
It took me a long time to accept my inability
to keep these people with me.
After each of them died, I went through a period
of trying to comlete for them, some activity that
I knew they had cared about, as if I could continue
their lives for them in some small way. I think I
was trying to use those activities to keep them
symbolically alive. I have been told that this is
a common way to deal with a loss, at least for
a time. I have also been told that it is part of
the transition, the grieving process that cannot
be avoided, but that needs to eventually finish,
so that one can go forward with one's own life.
Even today, I will sometimes find myself
caught by surprise, thinking that my friend or
my father would enjoy something I just saw,
and having the impulse to get that thing to
bring to them or to phone them to tell them
about it. And of course I am brought up short
realizing that I can't do any such thing. Because
for a moment I forgot that they are gone, and
remembering feels like experiencing the loss
again for a few moments.
Getting on with your life does not mean that
you are neglecting your mother's memory. No
matter what you do, you will remember her,
but it is not healthy to think about her constantly
in death, as it would not have been healthy to
think about her constantly while she was alive.
She had her life, and she would want you to
have yours and to find a way to let her go.
I fully agree with the others who have
advised an anti-depressant and a psychotherapist.
Alternate healing techniques can sometimes
help, such as directed meditation, controlled
breathing exercises, etc. I would also suggest
joining a grief-support-group, which a therapist
a hospital or a religious organization may be
able to help you find. My own experience has
been that sharing and mutually helping other
people who are in, or have been in, the same
situation can be as helpfull as medical treatment;
and often it can enhance the effects of medical
treatment. Certainly I have found reading and
contributing to this web site has been my
support group and has often helped me to
get through a rough patch.
I am still the primary caregiver for
my mother, who has been declining in
health physically and mentally for several
years. I have assistance from home-aides,
I visit several times each week and I phone
every day. I do as much to keep her safe
and happy as I know how. Yet I often
struggle with a feeling of helplessness,
and I often feel the impulse to run away
or hide. I know that after she is gone
I will feel that there must have been
something more that I could have done,
because I still sometimes feel that way
about my father and my friend who are
gone. When I have those feelings, I
give myself a few moments (or hours)
to experience the feelings and then to
allow those feelings to leave me. Then
I get back to what I need to do, and to
the life I have now. Over time the
painful feelings occur less often and
with less intensity; and I become less
afraid of the pain and waste less energy
trying to avoid the pain. It comes back
but it always passes, which is as much
as we can expect in a sane life.
You also need to spend time with
your friends and family, and try to do
things to help them enjoy life. Doing
things for others can often help to
distract you from your own pain,
and so help to reduce that pain.
You still have a long road in
front of you, but if you can find and
accept help, and if you can find
others who you can help, you will
recover your life. You will not get
back the life you had while your
mother was alive, but you will always
have that life in your memory, and you
will get the future life that can be built on
all the best of your past life.
The fact that you have the courage to
ask for help in this forum, proves that
you have the ability to find additional
sources of help and to heal yourself.
Thank you for sharing, and for
reminding me that I also need to
ask for and accept help from others.

submitting, it is true that "if I just lifted myself up I would feel better." It is also true that when you are depressed, lifting yourself up is usually more work than you can accomplish on your own. You are not lazy. You do not have a character flaw. You have a treatable defect in your brain. So please take cmagnum's advice and get it treated!

submitting, your experience of depression about your husband's death is one example of grief gone toxic. I know what depression feels like as a person with bipolar disorder. Mine is a chronic condition, yours is situational. I suggest finding a psychiatrist for an anti-depressant and a therapist for talk therapy to help you get past this impasse. I wish you well in your journey.

Stephen,

I feel the same way after my husband died, like something inside me died. I took a week off from work and then went head first into work because I was worried about money, So I worked two jobs, to the point of a mental breakdown and consquently was fired from the one and due to the economy lost the other. I am now working in retail which I hate and had to get a roommate to keep my house. So I think my unhappiness has changed from depression about my husband to what my life has become after he has died. I remember being happy, loving life, and full of energy. Now I just lay around and stay in bed. I know if I just lifted myself up I would feel better, but I just can't seem to make the effort. I hope you are doing well and have lifted yourself above the sadness.

Stephen, while I feel for your loss and how it has created this terrible depression, etc. that has impacted your life so extensively, I want to point out some obvious realities that I think you need to go back into therapy and find out why your mom's death is at the heart of this depression; find out why you seem to lack a sense of your own identity and purpose for living now that your mother is dead; plus why you so over identify with your mother that you feel dead living in your mother's body when you are not your mom, why do you have survivor guilt, and finally why does it appear that you are living or existing in your mother's shadow for as you write about about your wish that she would come back so you could check that it was ok for me to have a proper life? I'm glad your wife and family are being supportive of you.

Hi there. Thank you for sharing your story. Wow, I think you really gave me some insight on the way a person can get caught up in life & busyness and neglect a balance in the way were are designed to function as human beings, capable of love, in need of friendship & family relationships & having support to being able to fall & get up without crashing and burning. I think I would say to you that you are not an island. We are made to be in community & fellowship with God, our family & with our community. Often times all of us can get in a funk , feeling that we are the only ones who feel pain, lonely, isolated & hurt. Yes, death can leave you feeling empty & void. However, as a mom, I can assure you that your mom loved you very much. Moms have a special kind of love for their children that supercedes all their time management, misgivings & flaws. That's what a mother's heart does. Bear in mind, your mom gave you life, but part of her job was to give you roots & wings. Just because she is gone, she didn't take that with her. It was her gift to you. Are you hurting & vulnerable, yup. Are you dead, no. We walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we don't stay there. If you were emotionally dead, you wouldn't have taken the time to write your thoughts & feelings. You have a supportive network here & it sounds like you have help in other areas. You are not going to break when you grieve, it just needs to come out in healthy ways. Just as you need to express your love in healthy ways. The pain will lessen in time. Just as there are seasons, this is a season you are going through, not a life sentence. A tree doesn't become a giant oak by being sheltered from the wind and rain all the time. It becomes strong by putting down deep roots & be able to bend with the wind & soak up the moistness of refreshing rain so it can withstand the hot sun of summer. Take it slow, but cherish each moment as a gift of God. Remember the good things about your mom & find a creative way to keep those memories alive. We are made to be creative. All work & no play truly makes us dull. Laugh with your wife today & enjoy some chocolate. Maybe she doesn't understand all that you are feeling, truth is no one completelly understands us. But she loved you enough to marry you. Celebrate that. Happy Valentines Day. Things are going to get better.

Stephen,

It is a basic psychological element and human nature that we move towards pleasure and away from pain. When there is a problem with a personal relationship, people will throw themselves into their job and/or their friends and family. If a job goes bad, we look to friends & family, other aspects of our lives, to focus our attention and time, and receive comfort.

What happens then when all of those areas become problematic, which you have explained has happened to you? When all of our safety nets become troubled...there is no human outlet for our emotions...one can become depressed.

Happened to me many years ago. I was having problems with family, friends and my job. Lost interest in hobbies and personal activities. I felt lost as there was no one...or nothing that I could rely on. There was no outlet to talk about it, no outlet to give me advice, nothing made me smile or took my mind off things.

Have you talked to a medical doctor about it. You mentioned you have been in therapy for other issues but have not elaborated about being treated specifically for depression. A medical doc could prescribe you medication that could help you get out of this rut. You may very well have a chemical imbalance, which can be treated with medication. An MD may want to use medication before suggesting a psychiatrist or counselor, as the medication may be your answer.

With my bout of depression, the medication worked and within a couple of weeks.
my world was a much better place. I was thrilled that I was back...that life was good again...and it was a pretty simple and quick treatment. I think I was only on the med for 30 days. That fixed the problem and haven't had any further bouts of depression. Yours has been going on for years, so medication may not provide such a quick or easy fix. If you haven't spoken to an MD or been on meds, I would pursue that.

I urge you to talk to your doctor. I hope and pray that you will turn things around.

Hi Stephen: I remember when my mom had an extremely critical health issue and could have easily died. She was helicoptered to a major University hospital for care and her recovery was touch and go. My dad didn't want to call my brother and alert him to the dire possibilities. He didn't want to see my brother take time off work or have to travel to the medical facility. I think my dad's reaction was probably more about his own feelings of not being able to accept that a crisis was at hand. Alerting my brother would have reinforced his own fears of losing my mom. Your family's situation may have been similar or not. It may have been that they just did not expect your mum's situation to be that serious. Whatever the reality, you are just one cog in the family wheel of decision making and not the driving force that can see all, anticipate all, and manage all. I hope you can let that burden go.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and offer a couple of thoughts. Maybe the underlying connection with all you have experienced is a deep rooted fear; one that spreads and gets harder to push down when disappointments mount. On top of all the trauma and difficulties you have experienced, your mum dies unexpectedly and at a relatively young age. That may have been one trauma too many for you to keep at bay. Eventually, it just feels safer to stay in your home and not go out into that world that you can't control.

I'm not sure if it's necessary to find one thing to unravel as a starting point. Maybe it is, I don't really know; but maybe you could take a look at the various issues that you can identify and see if they all have fear in common. If so, where did the fear start might be a better beginning. Get some help with that journey and don't push yourself too hard or put unnecessary pressure on yourself.

I am truly grateful that you have a wife and family that love and support you. You deserve to be loved, supported and protected.

you never know when things are going to happen. None of this is your fault. My mom struggles with this over my brother











none of this is your fault. My mom struggles with this over my brothers death. He kept saying he was dick. She kept seeing him and never saw anything. One day he said this and she left for work. He did die that day. How was she to know. Her advice now is to see people in your life that say they are sick while they are still alive. You can't change this but it will make you feel better to just see other family members more . NO ONE blames you. Forgive yourself and when you have problems let your family know so they can HELP you. They are there for you and love you and do not blame you at all.

Hi Stephen;
I am sorry for the pain that you are experiencing. I am also glad that you are getting help for your depression. Your taking your life, would solve absolutely nothing. It would only mean that you missed living on a planet that you could find some happiness in, somewhere. Guilt is an awful thing. It keeps us tied to the person that we feel a responsibility to. When my mom passed, I kept a log during her last days. I still have not read it. But, just having the words that I felt during that time comforts me. That was eight years ago. I can open it at any time, and connect with her through the way that I felt at that time, about her leaving. I know that your mom is gone, but, it might help to write about some of the things that the two of you experienced together. I am sure there was more happy times than sad times. Just write any and everything. After you are finished, read it. I bet that it will make you happy to see that there were many, many days of love. Then, let it go. You did what you thought was the best thing at the time. Staying in the past only keeps us from moving forward. Hug yourself. I just hugged you. Paris

There is a very profound and useful and humane and wonderful paradigm called Focusing, for dealing with the kinds of feelings you are talking about. And it is a skill you can learn, to apply for the rest of your life -- not to be dependent on a counselor. To find a Focusing Teacher, I know there is an equivalent in the UK

Stephen, I would say to pray for a good Christian counselor. Ask friends that may have gone through this or ask at the funeral home. I think they have some schooling in grief counseling and they also should have a list of people that you could contact for this purpose. I have gone to counselors in the past and some help a bit, but the healing that I received has come from the Lord. This is my personal experience. Medicine helps for a while, but in the end we have to surrender our hurts to Him. I pray you find the right counselor that will lead you into His Peace, Comfort, and Compassion. Hugs, Patti

Stephen, sometimes the body holds on to emotional shock past the point of utility. If traditional therapists aren't able to help you shift, I would look for someone skilled in the area of energy psychology -- and there are plenty in the UK (I can't tell, but your language sounds like you might live there. The techniques they use are fast, effective, and pretty painless. You just...move on. You get out of the "stuck" place and can take next steps without a lot of angst and pain and resistance. You may be able to find a practitioner by going to

Hi Stephen. Sometimes we look to others for the answers, and sometimes there are no answers and not even a glimpse of understanding. So we have to accept our strenghts and weakness' and work with them. You sound a strong person to me, who has experienced saddness and has allowed it to linger. You need to become active and learn to enjoy life. Are you suffering from depression? If so work with it, either get medication or take up a active healthy lifestyle. Even go to support groups, or do volunteer work. I am similar age to you and experienced loss and many problems, but after nearly 4 years of hell, the sun is shining again in my mind. I have learnt about myself, that I am sensitive, a worrier, caring and want to help everyone and protect them, but I can't perform miracles and neither can you. So please Stephen accept that you are a good strong person who was working and progressing in your career and then your Mother died. Her death may have brought all your others issues to the surface. Now it is time to heal! Accept who you are, like who you are and be active. I am not trying to make a recovery sound so simply, it is not, but it is possible. Therefore, take one step at a time and move forward, be proud and enjoy the memories of your Mum.

Thank you everyone for your kind and consistent words.
I never realised in all the flak, how much her death had such an impact on me.
I think i was at a very low point in my life, carrying huge responsibility and her death just took me down. At first i carried it and then after a time it just kind of took me down very subtly.
There was so many other things occurring whilst i pushed on through it that i lost the thread of where the real source of the pain was coming from.
Sometimes i guess we get hit by every negative event in our past, yet we need to find some way back and the only way back is to find some point in our past to rebuild from. I know that sounds weird, but it seems to be the best way for me. Many people have said to me to put everything behind me, but it isn't behind or in front of me. My experiences are inside me and some of them deep in my subconscious mind.
So you seem to carry them around with you where ever you go.
They seem to leave an indelible mark on your psyche.

I have been to many therapists, but none of them have been able to unravel the problems i have in my subconscious mind to an extent they have solved the problem.

I was wondering should i pay to see a psychiatrist or someone said go to see someone who is a spiritual healer, or maybe a grief counsellor?
I wonder what do you think about that? Which kind of therapist is best?
Thank you for any more advice you can give
best wishes to you
Stephen

Stephen, I'm afriad that the truth is, you couldn't have rescued her even if you had been there. Death isn't under our control. If you'd been there you could have seen her alive one last time, you could have held her hand and kissed her. It is very sad that you didn't have that opportunity, but it did not cause your mother's death.

You wonder what your mum would want for you. I know nothing about your mum, but I do know what it feels like to be a mother, to have children, and to want things for them. I'm going to assume that your mother was a decent person, not perfect because no one is, but loving and caring and trying her best. If that assumption is true, then it is almost slander to wonder if she would think you should have a proper life. OF COURSE she would want the best for you. She would want you to be happy, and to live your life successfully. Believe me, she had been disappointed in you many times over the years (because that is part of parenting) but she never stopped loving you and hoping for the best for you.

If I'm right that she was a decent person, there is absolutely no doubt she'd want you to live life fully. And if I'm wrong and she was not a good person, if she didn't love her children with all her heart, then does it really make sense to let her memory hold you back?

This insight you have recently had may be a key to reclaiming your proper life. If you are seeing a therapist, discuss this fully. If you are not seeing a therapist now, I think it would be worth trying it -- you definitely have something important to discuss.

Stephen, how in the world were you to know that your mother at age 67 was at death's door? Seems to me it should fall to those family members that were at her side constantly, to warn you. You did what you did with the information you got, so quit beating yourself up about it. You didn't kill your mother, cigarettes did. I wish I could get my own husband to stop smoking, so your story should be a warning to others that can't put the cancer sticks down. You need to give yourself a break, and make the most of your life for your family's sake.

Stephen, my heart goes out to you. It seems you have been through quite a lot in your life; and then the passing of your mother. Carol gave you such a wonderful answer and great advice. You didn't do anything wrong. You should not feel guilty about anything. You seem to have been a kind and loving son; and your mother would want you to be happy.

Try to let it go; my parents had been to the hospital inumerable times and I wasn't always able to get there as I live almost 2 hours away. I feel certain your mother would want you to live a proper life. Take care and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you very much Carol. I was in therapy for other things in my life, but somehow i realised that mums death was the core of my depression. I have had the feeling of being dead three times before in my life. Once with a bad event in my childhood, then having near death experiences as a child with asthma attacks and the other time was when i had to walk away from my business that was going into liquidation.
Also, i have been dismissed from top jobs on a number of occasions, largely to do with my difficulty coping emotionally and leaving my team felt like death too.

So I know the feeling, but with all that has happened to me I haven't been able to put my finger on anything i could ever deal with.

Events come and go, but if your subconscious mind is damaged by them, how do you get hold of something you can work on? Especially when there are so many significant events.

My life is closed down because on one level it feels right to be closed down and my family supports my closed down state, because they love and care for me. My wife goes on holiday with her sister, because i can't go, in fact i don't travel beyond 10 miles of my home.

In truth i am living in the dead body of my mum, i think.

If this is right, then this is a revelation to me and this is the first time i have felt that i have got the end of something i can follow.

I don't know what my mum would want for me. I sometimes wonder whether she was so disappointed in me that i didn't rescue her, that she would not wish me well.

I feel so guilty that i am still alive and she isn't. I wish she would come back so i could check that it was ok for me to have a proper life.

Stephen

Hi Stephen,
First of all, I'm assuming that you are still getting help for depression.

Somehow you need to realize that no matter what people do, their loved ones can die without them. I interviewed a woman for my book who said that her whole family sat by her dad's bed for three days, as he was dying. Then he rallied. They decided to go out to eat and come right back. He died during the half-hour they were gone.

This happens often, and it's very hard. But we can't control everything in life. Your mom had been ill before and come out of it just fine. You couldn't run away from your job every time she was ill, if she already had help. It's not your fault that she died and she doesn't "blame" you for not being there. Your mother loved you and wouldn't want you to suffer for this any more. Please continue to get help. You have nothing to feel guilty about, but only you can forgive yourself and move on. That's what your mother would want.
Take care of yourself,
Carol