My mother-in-law moved in with my family a year ago due to health issues. At the same time, we placed her husband in a nursing home. He has severe COPD and either Frontal-temporal or Lewy Body Dementia (doctors are not sure). He calls his wife frequently and makes many demands and yells at her if she doesn't meet his needs. She picks him up from the nursing home at least 3-4 times a week and takes him out for lunch/dinner and then brings him to our house for a visit. I regularly observe him continuously prod her to do things for him and then get angry because she doesn't have the good health and energy to keep up with his demands. She is starting to speak up for herself and tells him "no" which sometimes escalates into a verbal argument. Then he forgets and the cycle repeats every 20-30 minutes. Other times, she just gives in because she doesn't have the energy to fight, but his demands wear her out. On good days, none of this occurs and he is pleasant to be around.
I know that some of his behavior is due to his dementia, especially the repetitive prodding. He has only been in the family a decade and 1/2 and I know that some of his disrespectful behavior is due to personality traits and mental illness he has had all his life. No matter what the cause, I do not like watching her be abused by her husband. I am a strong women's advocate and it bothers me to the core that she is being treated that way in our house in front of our grade-school son. My husband will barely speak to his step-dad because of the way his step-father treats his mom. There are times, when I speak up and put him in his place, but it isn't really my business to interfere in their relationship.
I have considered telling her that her husband is no longer welcome in our home; however, it is her home now too. She has the right to visit with her husband. Taking him home makes it much easier on her than taking him to public places. She has been limiting the number of days she picks him up to about every other day, so that she has a break. Unfortunately, the phone keeps ringing on off days with his constant asking her to come get him.
What are your suggestions on how to handle this situation?
With Dementia/ there is nothing that you can actually do. Every one behaves differently with the disease, it is very hard for him, he knows that he is loosing his grip, and he can't get it together....it is difficult..........
You might just want to change to the situation...change to subject....make a change in direction that will benifit him emotionally....He needs all your love and attention and affection at this time....get into his world and stay there when he gets like that........
Andria Harris
I was fortunate to be able to care for my husband at home until the very end. But I have seen (in my caregiver support group) spouses and children agonizing over whether to place their loved ones in a care center, and when they have finally made the placement in carefully selected centers, some of the loved ones showing improvement in symptoms. I know that you, too, are speaking from experience. I'm just pointing out that experience varies widely.
A risk here is that MIL will try to tolerate more than her health can really support. Keep an eye on her and gently protect her from the risks she doesn't see. I hope you can do this without banning FIL totally or with causing rifts. Perhaps encourage more visits in public places and shorter visits in your home.
My heart goes out to you and to your family.
I won't even discuss the stress this will cause you and yours husband. Has his doctor be advised of this behavior? Does this man have children that could help out and maybe take him to dinner or visits in their home on a weekly basis?
It can't be easy but you and your husband's first responsibility is to yourselves and your marriage/children and then the welfare of the MIL. I would feel this way if you were talking about your husband's Father. Best of luck!
Even though it's hard to watch, I think supporting your mother-in-law in what she needs to do is important. Encourage her to only bring him home when she feels she can tolerate it. Also, remind her that it is the job of the nursing home staff to cope with his illness. She can do what she is able to do. Visit him, and occasionally bring him home if she wants to. But she may want to cut back for her own health. Remind her that her health is important to all of you and that you'll support her in whatever she does.
Take care,
Carol