My Mom is in the beginning stages of dementia. She is still able to live at her home alone but only does so 4 nights a week. The rest of the time she spends at my home. I really enjoy my Mom and although we had typical issues during my adolescence but then became close friends and often spent long periods of time traveling together.
My main struggle is me and my reaction to her. With her memory issues she has become more passive aggressive then she ever was before. Because she struggles with processing information she now process everything verbally.
For example she has always loved fresh french bread, not toasted, with butter. I set her up with a pot of coffee, fruit, and some of her favorite bread. I was then busy completing another task.
She first made mention " how it's such a shame I don't have a toaster. Then went on to wonder why don't I have a toaster. Did I think I was better than the other people who had toasters? This bread would be so delicious if only it was toasted. I broke into her soliloquy to remind her I did indeed have a toaster and she was welcome to use it.
She then changed her verbal musing to wondering why I would give her untoasted bread. Didn't I think she was worth of taking the extra time perhaps? Never mind for 77 years she has never eaten her bread toasted as long as I can remember.
My mother is not a mean person. She was never any more passive aggressive than the average human. Now it seems to become a constant theme of her personality.
However what really bothers me is my reaction to her. I manage to let 90% of her needling pass by me without even a blink. It is the other 10% that concerns me. I was in the middle of a task her constant stream of consciousness made me angry so I could not focus. I finally threw it down stomped over to her picked up her bread. Slammed it into the toaster and stood there fuming why I waited it to toast.
In the meanwhile Mom attention has moved on to other things. So in the few minutes it took me toast and butter the bread she has lost the thread of the conversation. When I bring the toast back to the table. She looks up at me confused and says "Oh honey you know I don't like toast. What were you thinking? "
I seriously contemplated throwing the toast right at her. Instead I walked away hearing her talk to my cat asking. " Now why do you think she is such a grouch today?"
I guess that is the biggest struggle. Because she doesn't remember interactions from 30 minutes ago I am always the wrong one. I am always the grump that is just not willing to be a good sport. It is so frustrating not having a shared reality. I am so sick of always, always being wrong.
It also is so hard because I know she can't help it. Why can't I let these things go? Why do I give a damn about toast?
Oh how I can relate. Had to move my (then 94 yo) mom out of memory care-too expensive. Took her home with us-bad move. She was used to the routine and people at the MC.
Long story short, she screamed at the top of her lungs at 2 am, spit her pills across the table (kinda' funny-they hit the wine bottle and made a pinging noise), spit her "teeth pickings" on the table, hit and grabbed me with her nails, took off her diaper at night and urinated on the floor next to the bed, told me about her headaches (chronic complaint with no reason) 42 times a day, said someone put "itching powder" in her clothes 31 times a day (yes, I counted) but when she became incontinent of stool, that was it. We had to put her into another facility.
She seems much happier there than with us. Shamefully to say, we are much happier that she's there too.
She's now 95 and, from the looks of it, she'll hit 100!
Back in December, my mom was living alone at the time and started falling for no apparent reason. Got her admitted to the hospital and rehab with the hopes of finally getting her into a nursing home full time.
Since Medicare would not pay for her stay beyond 17 days, Medicaid denied benefits for long term care because she had not been in the nursing home at least 30 days. It didn’t matter that she was in no shape to go home. She was weak, frail, and couldn’t even get out of bed by herself to go to the bathroom.
Soooo, I had to bring her home with me. If it wasn’t for my very supportive and understanding husband, I would be punching the walls.
Mom never wants to participate in her own health. If I let her, she would sit in the recliner all day every day except to eat and go to the bathroom. She b*tches and moans every single time I need to give her a bath or wash her hair or have her do her walking and standing exercises her home physical therapist has planned for her to do. The therapist comes to the home twice a week. Mom always says she doesn’t think she can do exercises today. But she can and does do it when she is pushed to do it.
She got sick a few weeks ago and had a bad diarrhea accident at night. Ever since then, she has to wear diapers at night because she is suddenly incontinent. She wakes up in the morning and puts her wet diapers on the bed, on the floor or even on her walker. We had a long conversation yesterday about where to put wet diapers, her wet nightgowns and her dirty clothes. I would tell her something and then ask her to repeat it and she can’t remember. She doesn’t understand more than one instruction at a time. Most of the time, she did doesn’t remember what I told her to do 30 seconds ago.
It is extremely frustrating, but I stay angry with my mother not so much of her mental state, but her physical issues. Too long of an explanation to discuss here, but a battle I deal with daily.
This is what I've learned over the years.
Alzheimer's Rule #1;
EVERYONE else is wrong. (example-"I didn't misplace my glasses, YOU put them somewhere."
"WHY did you put mayonnaise on this sandwich? I don't like mayo." [But she has eaten it on every sandwich for the last 75 years!]
Things that once were-are no more. It can be exhausting and frustrating to keep up with these new changes.
Best Advise- Just go along with it. Refer to Rule #2.
Alzheimer's Rule #2;
DO NOT argue. It will not work.
Most of us have to learn this the hard way (by arguing and getting nowhere). They have their thoughts cemented in their brains and you're not going to un-cement them. Learn this quickly.
Best Advice; Let it go. Whatever it is, it really ISN'T that
important.
Alzheimer's Rule #3;
Use DISTRACTION whenever you can. Especially if they're in a dangerous situation.
Say, "Mom, can you help me fold the clothes?", as she's walking out the door to "go home".
Or, "Mom, I want to pamper you by making you a special lunch. Can you set the table?", as you turn off 2 burners on the stove and carefully take your biggest carving knife out of her hand.
Best Advice; Try to be genuine, looking her in the eye, smiling with patience, using "therapeutic fibs", while maneuvering her to a safer situation. Never say she "can't" do a chore any longer. You will then need to go back to Rule #1 and 2!
There are more rules but they come as the condition progresses.
Hang in there, it's a wild ride.
Now to focus on us.
Caregivers Rule #1;
Don't beat yourself up about getting frustrated, angry, resentful. It's normal to feel these things. We all do. Have healthy outlets (exercise, trips out, etc.) and do them at least once a week. If the emotions start to get out of control, maybe a change in living situation should be considered. Keep this option open.
Caregiver Rule #2;
Come back here to cry, scream, vent or share your feelings. 😱 😡 😢
This is the only way I've made it through this far (Mom has end stage 6 Alzheimer's).
This battle will need fierce warriors. We must stay strong, united and healthy.
Close your eyes & think what you would say to your best friend in same circumstances - I bet you would have kinder words for her than you have for yourself - ease up on you & give yourself some slack because you are at the beginning of 'the long good-bye' - need to conserve your strength both physic & mental
Hugs to you! I hope you don't let the 10% of the time you are only human make you feel guilty because 10% is angelic. I think I'm at 20. However, as Freqflyer so eloquently said: "We need to remember our parent's brain is broken." That is going to be my mantra going forward when I have days like the one you described. Happy Valentine's Day!
I totally understand how it wears on you. Even now in stage 7, my mom basically chatters all day (and sometimes all night). It doesn't make any sense... But still it is a constant. I have really learned to just block it out. I will say that when I do get a break to go out for a bit, I don't even want the radio on... Just love the silence ;-)
Is Mom trying to rattle you? For attention? Anyway, the only person you can change is you...and blah blah blah....
My Mom’s Dementia has caused her to become much more quiet. So I’ve got my quiet mom now.
There are days she helps me put away groceries and I cant find where she put things till I find them a week later. Or you open up the bakeware cabinet and find drinking glasses and tupperware. I just put them away where they belong quietly. There are also days I could spit bullets I am so mad, but I have to remind myself, its not Mom doing this,...its the disease. Take a break from Mom when you feel this happening more and more, stress level is going up. I hope you have someone to take her for lunch or shopping while you give yourself a break. 3 hrs a week really helps. Hugs.
If you had done half toasted and half untoasted, there would still have been something not right.
Keep you chin up. Love gets you through, even though sometimes you may not like them. Hugs
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with your mom. It sounds terribly frustrating. All I can suggest is that you try to ignore it, which you are able to do 90% of the time. For the other 10%, forgive yourself and come here to vent.
C'mon, you KNOW she doesn't like her bread toasted for heaven's sake - !!!
Her merry-go-round about the wouldn't it be luvverly if only you had a toaster...
Now that is just vocal chaff. It is indeed a stream of demented consciousness. It's literally words without thought, or with only white noise thought, pouring out of her. My mother "never liked daffodils, very loud, daffodils." ??? She asked me to put on DVDs for her - Bugsy Malone you'd have thought I'd given her hard core porn to watch; West Side Story - that SHE took ME to see in the theatre - she wailed her head off ten minutes in and said "I don't like it! Turn it off!"
Oh God and talking to the cat! - YOUR cat, yet! (though trust me. The cat is on your side. Ish).
I don't know what you do to make this better, I just want you to know that my heart rate is through the roof even thinking about it and I am so with you in spirit right there in the room.
I know I get annoyed if I am concentrating on a task and if I am interrupted for a minor thing I tend to blow. It's like, don't bother me unless your hair is on fire !!
Try to humor Mom, agree with her, and say you are sorry about the toast. We need to remember that our parent's brain is broken. After the fact, what Mom had said "This bread would be so delicious if only it was toasted" got to admit it did bring a smile to my face.
And remember, not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. I know I wasn't, but I was good with the logistics side of caregiving.