!!! Please help! I have to say I already have my hands full with two kids under 5 with autism! I'm already burnt out dealing with their therapy and needs....then there's my dad! He is 65,newly retired, and is the meanest most stubborn man I've ever met! He lives in the same 1965 trailer he has since I was a child and it was a total pice of sh%t then and you can't even imagine how bad now! I counted 25 holes in the ceiling, floor is giving out, black mold everywhere, bathroom and kitchen so dirty you can't wash your hands. There is a layer of dirt on everything in this place. I have tried and tried to get him into anything-apartment, another mobile home, a house! He won't do a d@mn thing! I can't and visit anymore because I basically have to burn my clothing after being there....my kids and husband have not been there...NOPE . Not worth their health! How sad is this?! I've tried to be nice, and I've been a complete @sshole! Nothing has worked! I've offered to do everything to help-set up for remodeling to come, but they even said the place is not worth repairing at all and he needs to move asap because it's a 100% fire hazard! I am an only child and none of "the family" has anything to do with him (which isn't that hard to imagine why). What do I do?! Thank you in advance!
Stubborn elders (not that he's elderly yet) are really hard to handle -- I've spent two years researching options that could be helpful to grandpa (when I could have been spending time on my own family) and he just wouldn't have any of it. Some old men are stubborn and egotistical and there seems to be a subgenre that loves to live in their own filth; maybe it's a control thing?
Maybe if you are concerned about his health and safety you could also call APS, or the fire department if you are worried about his neighbors' safety.
I feel bad for you. You have enough responsibilities.
Unless your father has dementia and isn't responsible for his decisions, he's made his own choices, and they are HIS choices, not yours. So you have to make your own choices. If you want to visit him, make it at a public place, not at either your home or his.
Accepting poor decisions made by others is one of the hardest aspects about being a family member, but sometimes it's either him or you, and you have children you have to protect. In addition, if your own health is compromised, you aren't going to be able to protect yourself as well either.
If the trailer is in a trailer park, there's a higher risk of any fire spreading to adjacent neighbors; there isn't much space between trailers in most of those trailer parks. So if there are neighbors close by, that's an additional risk.
I'm thinking that even if your father wanted to get the place cleaned up, it's a hopeless task, and that he would be overwhelmed to even think about where to begin. So maybe it is time to call the Health Department as well.
I'm also wondering if there are some mental health issues with his having tolerated this environment for so long. Or perhaps he just doesn't know how to maintain a home. Some people don't.
I do think you should be kind in assessment of your role, though. There's really not too much you can do except involve authorities to force him out before something happens.
So my advice echoes what you've heard from others on here. You can't change your dad, let him live his life. Meet him elsewhere. If/when he's ready to change, help him, but with strong boundaries. If he doesn't have major mental illness, it's really his mess to clean up.
My late father-in-law home was similar in condition, and the bathroom was a shed out behind the house. His wife and kids were happy in that environment, and we could pop in to see him anytime, and he would drop what he was doing, had his wife run to the neighbors to telephone the grown half-siblings, and they would all come driving over to visit. We always made sure we ate and used the bathroom prior to visiting.... in the long run we always had a delightful visit, lot of laughs :)