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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mom has dementia and lately has bringing up things from the past (her driver's license, insurance, car, key to her old house, pipes freezing in the old house) and we haven't figured out how to change the subject. Any ideas?
daddysfavorite, I think it would best to just let your Mom talk about those things since that is what is currently in her brain loop.
Is she talking about wanting to drive? Just make up a "therapeutic fib" that you feel she will accept... such as her car is in the shop and will be ready next week. Since Mom has dementia chances are she will forget you said that.
The conversation this evening was "Is my van still at my house?" "Yes" "Do I have insurance?" "No, you don't drive." "I have my driver's license" "No, you don't, they don't let people over 90 drive" (little fib there) "If I can't drive, why do I have insurance." "you don't have insurance." Is my van still at my house? Yes Do I have insurance? No, you don't drive. I have my driver's license. No, you don't, they don't let people over 90 drive. then we added "maybe you should give the van to your son" and she said "do I have to pay for his insurance?" (no) Is my van still at my house? ... for 45 minutes. A family can only listen for so long before we want to bang our heads against the wall. We love Mom, but letting her talk it out doesn't work. Maybe I just needed to vent, but if anyone has been there and has been able to figure out how to shorten the loop, I'd appreciate some suggestions.
You don't need to change the subject. Go along with it as freqflyer suggests. From your profile your doing a great job. The next thing is to become familiar with how to interact with your mom. "Learning to Speak Alzheimer's" is an excellent book that can help you do just that. Your library may have a copy or order it from Amazon.
why change the subject? Ask what her concerns are. "I need my license". Your response. They are closed today we can go another day. "I need my car" Your response. It is in the shop having repairs done, it will be a while before it is done. "I can't find my key" Your response. Well let's look for it, then after a minute say lets sit down for a cup of tea and a bit of a snack.(or you could actually "find" some miscellaneous key) "I am worried about the pipes freezing" Your response. It is not cold enough to have the pipes freeze. The important thing is to acknowledge her concern and give a response that will alleviate any fears or anxiety that she might have.
We call it “go along with the ride”. We just keep asking questions or comments to continue the journey. As the story evolves, she usually forgets the original question. For example, my mom was worrying about driving to Richmond. I told her we could go, but then I told her, wait a minute, I needed about $20 for gasoline for the car. Then I asked if I could borrow the money from her for the gas. But then I added she may not have it since the first of the month isn’t for 2 more weeks. And I explained that I don’t have the gas money either until payday which is in another week. And then, I kept adding complications to the story: I needed another $20 for the return trip from Richmond, what if the car ran out of gas, who could let us borrow the money. Within minutes she had forgotten the original question.
With my dad I would turn the tables a little on him. After answering the same question a dozen times I’d ask him about his grandad. What was that road he lived on etc. Dad still had lots of long term memories and he’d launch into stories about the olden days. Then ask his same question again or maybe a new one. This is just the way it goes with dementia.
When she gets stuck in a predictable question loop, maybe write down her questions and then your (simplied or "fib-ified") answers on a piece of paper and point to them for her to read.
"Is my van still at my house?" No, you sold it because you decided you didn't want to drive anymore .
I know it is exhausting to keep responding but you don't have to. You can also walk out of the room or put on headphones or run the noisy vacuum cleaner. Or just shrug your shoulders to each question without making eye contact. This is what I've done because I find pointless conversation very draining. She's going to keep asking anyway so do what exhausts you the least but still keeps her in a calm state. Blessings to you!
As others have said - let her vent her worries once, maybe twice - then redirect - most elders with dementia will follow your lead. Perhaps turn her concerns about her car/driving into a convo about some of the places she has gone in that car.... or offer her a cup of tea as someone suggested. Understand that she is stuck in a loop that is making her anxious, and she doesn't want to feel that way - she needs/wants your help to get out of that anxious place. It's not about the car/insurance/driving, it's about how she FEELS in the moment.
The problem is that she is stuck in a repeating loop which quite frankly can drive someone over the edge. Talking about the past is fine, but when it's the same things over and over, one right after the other, it is enough to drive a sane person over the edge. So I like the suggestion to change the subject and ask her about an incident in her past as a younger person.
My sister used to say it's like they take a record down off the shelf and begin playing it over and over with the needle stuck. This happens in their brains, where thoughts get stuck and get repeated umpteenth times. Usually with my dad I could just ignore the first question and change the subject thereby getting his "needle out of the groove". Da** dementia! So frustrating for the caregivers when this happens.
Yes, it requires a great deal of patience to deal with an elder with dementia. The constant repetitive questions are enough to drive you batty. With my mother, I'll answer most of her questions the first time during each visit. However, I can often distract her by quickly interjecting another subject before she goes into that repetitive loop of asking the same question over and over again during a visit. Sometimes this works but, it's never easy because it's not a totally normal conversation.
Let her reminisce as long as it doesn't create problems. If she talks about "driving" somewhere. turn it into "we can go to ________ and I would love to take you." If it is about problems of the past (my Gram had a few of those), I would gently remind her those people currently and how things are now. Use her topics as springboards to more current events.
Daddysfavorite, I've "been there" and eventually got it partly "figured out." Trying to change the subject sometimes worked, but quite often it didn't. Going along with the conversation also sometimes worked, but only until I wanted to "bang my head against the wall." As you said, turns out this part of being a dementia caregiver can be harder than incontinence and other issues, e.g. lack of sleep due to baby monitors alerting the caregiver every couple of hours to a situation demanding immediate attention. I don't know if you are considering a memory care facility for your mom after sufficient Covid-19 vaccination, but below I've copied my thoughts that I've shared more than once with others on this forum who were tormented by the prospect of eventually having to move a parent to a facility:
Everyone's situation is different. But here's what I did after agonizing for about a year over whether, when and where to move my then 95-year-old dad in late-stage dementia to a memory care facility: I didn't tell my dad about the move, instead I just drove him there and he thought we had arrived at a nice hotel like we had done many times in the past. We ate a nice dinner together and I spent the night with him, showered him in the morning, and then we ate a hearty breakfast together. I watched as he ate lunch with his new friends and then I left while he was participating in an activity. Then I returned and observed him eating dinner. After the first day, I rode my bike the 10 miles round trip to visit him at least once every day (and my wife visited him a couple of times weekly as well) for the next 19 months until he died at age 97. During that time, I remained his primary caregiver, but with the facility's small army of aides and my daily bike ride I was a better rested, more fit and much more patient caregiver. An unexpected bonus was that my dad became more social than he had been in many years.
As it turned out, my dad didn't remember living anywhere else over the last 80 or so years, i.e. he didn't remember living with my family for the prior 3.5 years, nor any of the three homes where he and my mom lived for 70 years, nor his college or WWII navy years. However, almost every day he would ask me to take him home, but "home" was his childhood home where he thought his mom was waiting for him (or waiting for us, since he often thought I was his dad). I always told him it was too late today since all I had was a bike, but that we could go "home" in the morning after a good night's sleep and a hot breakfast. That usually satisfied him, but when it didn't, then we would walk the halls together looking for an exit and a ride "home." Sometimes other residents overheard us and wanted us to take them to their homes and I'd tell them the same things I told my dad.
Like I said, everyone is different and what works for some caregivers and the person with dementia, may not work for others. Kudos to you and your husband for taking care of both sets of parents, especially your mom with dementia. I agree with you that dementia can be harder in some ways for many caregivers. Best wishes.
OMG that was my mom's loop conversation two months ago. The thing I figured out was that she saw her van and then the questions started so I moved her van so she wouldn't see it. Another thing I noticed was if we were talking about the flu shot she would ask "Did I get the flu shot?" That would be the next loop convo for a while.. lol This week it's "When are we making the struffola!" I couldn't take it anymore so I wrote a big note.. Rest up we are baking Struffola Friday Dec. 18th at 10:00 AM sharp ! and so far has not asked me again but when my kids talk to her she says "I'm making struffola with your mom Friday.. so try writing a note it may help. Also give her something to look foward to instead of sitting there worrying about something it may help.. when all else fails put music on and start singing its the ultimate loop distractor.. :)
This is not unusual for people with dementia. They keep playing the same loop over and over, and then they may switch to a different loop. You could try asking her if she'd like to take a walk or sit outside (in good weather), or if she'd like something to drink, etc. It depends on what state her mind is in and how much she can have a conversation. With my mother, who now isn't communicative, I just tell her things that are happening with me and the family. I try to keep the conversation upbeat.
Let her talk. Let her let you know what is on her mind. Everything she says has importance to Her. When looking at her verbal behaviors. The drivers liscence is ok. We have the pipes drained cause you do not need them you are here. Just a short comforting answere to whatever. Be thankful this part of her mind is working. If you do not care ....you can get the Dr. to give a med. and then you will have to deal with "not communicating".
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Is she talking about wanting to drive? Just make up a "therapeutic fib" that you feel she will accept... such as her car is in the shop and will be ready next week. Since Mom has dementia chances are she will forget you said that.
"Is my van still at my house?" "Yes"
"Do I have insurance?" "No, you don't drive."
"I have my driver's license" "No, you don't, they don't let people over 90 drive" (little fib there)
"If I can't drive, why do I have insurance." "you don't have insurance."
Is my van still at my house? Yes Do I have insurance? No, you don't drive. I have my driver's license. No, you don't, they don't let people over 90 drive. then we added "maybe you should give the van to your son" and she said "do I have to pay for his insurance?" (no) Is my van still at my house? ... for 45 minutes.
A family can only listen for so long before we want to bang our heads against the wall. We love Mom, but letting her talk it out doesn't work. Maybe I just needed to vent, but if anyone has been there and has been able to figure out how to shorten the loop, I'd appreciate some suggestions.
Ask what her concerns are.
"I need my license". Your response. They are closed today we can go another day.
"I need my car" Your response. It is in the shop having repairs done, it will be a while before it is done.
"I can't find my key" Your response. Well let's look for it, then after a minute say lets sit down for a cup of tea and a bit of a snack.(or you could actually "find" some miscellaneous key)
"I am worried about the pipes freezing" Your response. It is not cold enough to have the pipes freeze.
The important thing is to acknowledge her concern and give a response that will alleviate any fears or anxiety that she might have.
"Is my van still at my house?"
No, you sold it because you decided you didn't want to drive anymore .
I know it is exhausting to keep responding but you don't have to. You can also walk out of the room or put on headphones or run the noisy vacuum cleaner. Or just shrug your shoulders to each question without making eye contact. This is what I've done because I find pointless conversation very draining. She's going to keep asking anyway so do what exhausts you the least but still keeps her in a calm state. Blessings to you!
Why change the subject?
Talk about whatever she wants to talk about.
There's nothing wrong with talking about the pass.
Tell her everything is taken care of.
Everyone's situation is different. But here's what I did after agonizing for about a year over whether, when and where to move my then 95-year-old dad in late-stage dementia to a memory care facility: I didn't tell my dad about the move, instead I just drove him there and he thought we had arrived at a nice hotel like we had done many times in the past. We ate a nice dinner together and I spent the night with him, showered him in the morning, and then we ate a hearty breakfast together. I watched as he ate lunch with his new friends and then I left while he was participating in an activity. Then I returned and observed him eating dinner. After the first day, I rode my bike the 10 miles round trip to visit him at least once every day (and my wife visited him a couple of times weekly as well) for the next 19 months until he died at age 97. During that time, I remained his primary caregiver, but with the facility's small army of aides and my daily bike ride I was a better rested, more fit and much more patient caregiver. An unexpected bonus was that my dad became more social than he had been in many years.
As it turned out, my dad didn't remember living anywhere else over the last 80 or so years, i.e. he didn't remember living with my family for the prior 3.5 years, nor any of the three homes where he and my mom lived for 70 years, nor his college or WWII navy years. However, almost every day he would ask me to take him home, but "home" was his childhood home where he thought his mom was waiting for him (or waiting for us, since he often thought I was his dad). I always told him it was too late today since all I had was a bike, but that we could go "home" in the morning after a good night's sleep and a hot breakfast. That usually satisfied him, but when it didn't, then we would walk the halls together looking for an exit and a ride "home." Sometimes other residents overheard us and wanted us to take them to their homes and I'd tell them the same things I told my dad.
Like I said, everyone is different and what works for some caregivers and the person with dementia, may not work for others. Kudos to you and your husband for taking care of both sets of parents, especially your mom with dementia. I agree with you that dementia can be harder in some ways for many caregivers. Best wishes.
She wondered around in her wheelchair all day and night. She would constantly argue with the other residents and the staff.
I would see her everyday. She was always by the front door looking out of the windows.
She would hail me down and beg me to bring her to the parking lot to find her car.
One woman nearby who wasn’t fond of her told me to ignore her.
She said that she asked all the visitors to help her find her car.
She would say that she had to get home to her son.
She thought she had a young child at home. It was sad to hear her tell me this.
Talk about stuck in a loop!
One day I did ask her to tell me about her son. It was fascinating. She told me his name.
Out of curiosity I looked up his name on my phone. He lived nearby.
I asked another resident about him. She told me that her son came to visit her once in awhile but this woman only remembered him as a young boy.
She doesn’t know him as an adult. It was heartbreaking to hear about her life.