Hello. My sibling moved into my Mother's home after she had a fall and needed care (I am out of state and have kids to take care of while she does not). Since then, she has taken over all bank accounts, CC's, uses her car, and lives there. She has also made all medical decisions without consulting me, although we are joint POA's for medical.
She refuses to talk to me and seems angry for no real reason. She refuses to share or discuss any financial info, and if I ask about Mom's condition (she is not at home but has been in hospitals, rehab facilities, or ALF's), she just texts me to call the facility for an update. They prefer to only have one POC and usually do not call me back.
I have no idea why she is so angry, but she is an odd person. She is the executor named in the will, but I am not sure if she is the POA for financial, and she will not discuss that or anything else.
Is there anything I can do to gain access to financial records? Can I find out if she is now the POA? Can I find out if the will has been changed? My mother is not competent and has dementia, so discussing with her is not an option.
Thanks
Being that your sister is in the trenches 24/7 and you're after her about the finances, if I were in her shoes, I'd be going all quiet on you too, sorry to say.
Dementia alone is a living nightmare to deal with, I can tell you, after having dealt with it for years with my mother. Rehabs, hospitals, falls and the like are also a mind bending experience akin to hell on earth to deal with, as I can also attest to after having dealt with all of it for many years with 2 elderly parents. In addition to trying to balancing 3 checkbooks, moves from IL to AL to MC a total of 5x, becoming Federal Fiduciary for their VA accounts, also being accountable to the VA for those funds they doled out and being interviewed constantly BY the VA, taking them back & forth to appointments, specialists, doctors, ENTs, dealing with nurses, Medicare for durable medical equipment, hospices, Executive Directors at ALFs, and on and on and ON the list goes, endlessly, and exhaustively. It's mind boggling how much work is involved for the POA of an elder, and here you are asking after the financial information your sister is dealing with and worrying if your mother changed the will to make your poor sister beneficiary of more than you'll be getting.
If I were your sister, I'd be seriously irritated and taking no calls or communications from you at all. Zero.
It sounds like you had a tough time with two parents at once.
Personally, I don't CARE if he shares or not. He's very angry all the time and no one knows why. He CHOSE to move mom in with him 25 years ago--even when the 'family vote' was 5 against and 1 for the move.
Now he is exhausted and angry and very uncommunicative. If I want to know something I have to go to his house and corral him. It's ridiculous, really.
You may need to make a trip to mom's and check out the situation yourself. Also a quick 1/2 hr visit with her attorney wouldn't go amiss.
Maybe sis feels you are taking advantage of her--or she feels burned out and that no one cares. Until you talk to her, you won't know.
I apologize to other posters here. I’m great full for this great site.
This post just hits too close to home for me.
She is not caring for mom at her home either, mom has either been in a hospital, ALF, or rehab place. Still, I appreciate her being there. Just wish she was more open to discussing things.
She most likely has to live there, so yes she should get access to everything. My suggestion is to go there and see what is really going on. Spend a week there to see the real picture, not just 2-3 days. Then maybe the two of you can figure out a plan. If she is still hostile after this attempt at least you can say you tried.
If your sister was able to take over accts, she has some kind of authority. As a POA she is not obligated to give you any financial info. Actually she shouldn't because she is Moms representative.
If you share the duties of Medical POA, send a copy to the home and tell them they must give you info when you call.
She is probably angry because the responsibility all falls on her. Maybe she doesn't want to be POA but its too late for Mom to assign someone.
I don't think you are trying to save ur inheritance. But I think there is more going on here and until your sister decides to tell you what, I would back away.
I know it is stressful and I appreciate her being there, but never thought it would become antagonistic. It would seem as though I would have some rights to be involved, but I don't want to go through an ugly legal war. Just not sure what I can do at this point.
i don’t know the facts, so i don’t want to jump to conclusions.
only you know the full story. only you know if (1) you’re helping your mother as much as your sister is; or (2) you sister’s helping much more, and therefore she’s very angry with you because it’s unfair; or (3) you’re both helping, but your sister’s always been a mean person, as well as someone who’s trying to take all the money (by putting her name on the accounts, etc.); or (4) your sister helps so much and deserves to have much more money than you, and therefore your mother very much wanted your sister to be joint-account holder, in gratitude for all her help.
in case of (2) (your sister’s normally nice to you, but now very angry with you), then:
she’s on purpose making it hard for you to get medical updates. she knows doctors will normally only speak to 1 POA; doctors don’t want to waste their time calling several family members.
she wants you to suffer. she wants you to know about the emergency so you worry - but not more information so you can relax. she wants you to have a little information, so you continue to worry.
I went to visit this past week to try to communicate and hopefully mend some fences. She opened the door and walked away, and was openly hostile and would not talk. I walked through the house and it was disgusting - food all over the floors, moldy dishes, trash in the hallways, filth everywhere. The shades were all pulled down, with a true-murder show on. This seems to be a constant stream on the TV from all of my prior visits as well.
At this point I'm not sure what to do. Her mental state is a concern. I would hate to get involved in a legal battle, but ignoring this and having no insight into what is going on does not seem smart. Does anyone here know if there is legal recourse to gain information?