Supporting a grieving person.
Hi Everyone,
My spouse has two very elderly parents who have stage four cancer. Colon and Prostrate. They are receiving care. My hubs and his sisters help with cancer treatment appts. etc.
Both parents live in their home with regular Home Healthcare visits and siblings who visit regularly. But the level of care they need is becoming more than can be handled this way. They refuse to go into full time treatment. My spouse goes back and forth from our home to theirs.
The problem I'm facing is my husband lashes out at me on a regular basis. He has always handled stressful situations by being angry and shutting down. I can't comfort him cause he would never admit he's sad or grieving his parent's situation. He's just angry all the time. The strain of all this is really hurting our relationship and I admit I'm running our of sympathy and patience.
I know I may sound selfish but I'm truly there for people who can admit they are suffering. I am good with that. But I can't handle someone who becomes angry and mean with me when none of this is my fault. I'm grieving my dying cat as well. I don't deserve to be treated this way.
What do I do? Keep taking it? I want to be supportive but don't know how under these circumstances. I do love my husband. I'm not planning on leaving. I just wonder if there are others out there who have experienced same and how did you handle it.
How much of the above have you said to your husband directly, and gently, and calmly, as you have explained it here? Or do you stay mostly silent, and then erupt when pushed past your limit?
Age, dying, even cancer are a thing. I know. Ha, I likely have all three. BUT your hubby may be not so much hurt by the losses but simply by the fact this isn't something he can fix, and he is too beset. He is spread too thin and feels --much like you likely do, that he cannot ADD to the woe of his parents with his honesty that he cannot long sustain running about like a chicken with his head cut off.
My only suggestion is a sit down in which you show him this thread and in which you say "I can't know where your mind is taking you, but I know you are beset and angry, and I don't think I am deserving of the anger. Can you tell me what you want me to do for you. How can I help? "
If he cannot or will not discuss this with you you will be left with having to decide if you will trade in being a supportive wife for being alone and at peace. It is a choice, an option. You cannot change things for the folks. They had their lives. He can't fix this and heaven knows guys like to FIX things. They are so lost when they bump up against Dr. Laura's "not everything can be fixed".
If you can't help.....if it comes down to "LOOK. Just LET ME ALONE"? Then do that. Take yourself off to knit, listen to podcasts, do puzzles, read, go to a museum. Stop taking on what is his, what you've no answer to. Let him work his way through it. But first, try to talk to him.
My husband and I have talked. I admit I'll simmer and simmer until my gut and heart can't take it and then I'll bark. Keeping in mind, I'm a fairly gentle person so when I say bark it probably amounts to a squeak.
I don't do confrontation well. I come from a family background where nobody talked about the important stuff and generally swept most matters under the rug. Everyone would go to their separate rooms and it was almost frowned upon to voice your concerns.
But I have spoken to my husband about this. I've come straight out and told him that the way he speaks to me isn't acceptable and that I can't change his situation but that he needs to be more in touch with his emotions. What I mean by this is rather than take it out on me, reach inside and realize that whether he thinks so or not he is grieving his parents imminent death and needs to face it head on in a healthy way.
His response is usually denial. He puts his headphones on and listens to thrash metal music. Then takes the Lord's name in vain cause he knows that bothers me.
I guess I'm wondering not how I can help him but how I can best help myself when he shuts down or lashes out. When I say to him I'm going to go to the bedroom and read or go for a walk just to get away from him he reacts very negatively to that as well. I'm not sure what he wants from me.
But great response Alva. You raise a lot of good points.
I don't have any advice, just a Great Big Warm Hug and prayers said for the peace of The Lord to be in your heart and that HE touches your husband.
I pray God can reach my husband too.
But yeah Margaret. I'm trying to be that voice of reason when things become unreasonable.
I walked out yesterday for a bit. I didn't stalk off but I was sulking..........cried a bit too. The Starbucks person was rude to me and that set me off.
Sorry your DH is taking the stress and reality that his parents are dying out on you.
His parents are being selfish by expecting to remain at home. What can you do but encourage him to start finding a LTC facility.
The long and drawn out dying process with the elderly really takes a toll on loved ones who are often elderly too but expected to provide super human care and prop up their parents fantasy expectations even if it kills them first. I really think all cancer treatments should just stop at 90 maybe sooner if the person has many other health issues.
And your hubby's choice of playing heavy metal music to vent is just fueling and feeding his negative emotions. He needs to calm the hell down with soft and soothing sounds not that stuff.
Maybe it's time to suggest DH sleep over at his parents house if that is an option. This way he can't lash out at you and it might be less stressful for him to not have to go back and forth between houses.
I wish there was some way to try to get your husband to see what he is doing, this isn't healthy for anyone in your family.
I have no good answers, because the way I would handle this would not be your way.
But I do think you need to tell him this is unacceptable way to treat anyone, and your not a punching bag for him.
I'm trying to think of little ways you can get him to understand that.
What if when he is rude to you you tell him. I get that you are under stress but I am also, and I am no longer going to cook your meals until you decide to be a decent human to me
You need to think of something that will get his attention the most.
Like one time I was working late, husband son was still living with us at the time. Husband made a really good meal, I came home to it all gone , he didn't save me any, I'm looking around for left overs none. Husband asked me if he wanted me to make me eggs.
Well anyways next night, I made a really good meal. Husband was out in the garage, I called him in for dinner, he sat down to a large plate of eggs, while I ate a nice meal.
I'm just wondering how you can show him this is unacceptable
I suspect he thinks he is going through A,B,andC so it's ok to be mean to the rest of the world. I get that he is really going through a rough time, and I feel for anyone going through that. But that doesn't make it right.
I'm sorry, I wish I had better answer for you
Check out the link below and Google Palliative care in your area and see what is available and talk to the doctors, it could be a godsend.
https://getpalliativecare.org/whatis/