Anyone surviving a multi-generational household?

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Anyone surviving a multi-generational household?

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Helpful suggestions on how this works for you will be welcome! My mother, 87 with undiagnosed mild dementia, has been living with me since fall. Adjustment has been OK with a few bumps, but generally good. Now, my adult daughter & 2 year old granddaughter will be moving in with me soon. I have the room, but it will disrupt the established routines. When they have visited, everything goes well & my mother enjoys their company & activity. However, I've noticed anxiety in her that comes out in extra neediness, edginess and says she should just be in a NH. I'm sure the uncertainty of the situation is stressful, as it is for me. I've tried to reassure her that she is still needed and loved by us all, but my stress is probably felt and worries her, too. She may not be able to express those feelings as easily as in the past and causes her to react in those other ways. I'm hoping once they are settled in things will calm down in her mind. Any problematic things to watch out for and suggestions for blending these diverse age groups will be welcome!

Multi-generational Living

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My mother lives with me and I babysit my grandchildren(4 and under) 6 days a week, some times over night. So while they are not "living " here, it's next best thing. It's noisy and chaotic, but it's entertaining for my mom. When she's had enough, she just goes to her room. Young children are so accepting of elderly. More so than we are some times! You might find that they will connect- coloring, puzzles etc. Just make sure that she has her personal space when she needs it.

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A lot of very good advice here! First off i have to say that I totally agree with KarenC who said to give your Mom some things to do around the house. Everyone and I mean everyone, needs to feel needed, When my father died, my Mom lost her purpose for living, it surprisingly was not her children but was Dad, She said she would no longer cook as she had never liked to cook anyway but made sure meals were on the table for Dad to the very end, Because she was understandably depressed we began to take more and more chores away from her, thinking we were giving her a rest, when in reality we were making her feel more unneeded. I hope you tell her every time she says she needs to be in a nursing home that you love her and you need her help and wisdom, even if you really don't, because that is a call for reassurance.

My older sister moved back to Moms house after my daughter and I did, way back in 1997 (I was sick), and since that time we have had kids and grandkids move in and out for periods of time, In early stage dementia it was not a problem but as the disease progresses and if there are loud running yelling children around it becomes more difficult. They are use to a set routine and need to keep it that way, loud noise is an insult to their senses as are messes of toys etc being left around, You really do not know for sure how she will handle it until your daughter and grandchild are there, You do need to have a talk with your daughter and let her know that there may be issues and she is going to have to help you control these situations (screaming, toys etc,) And explain that grandma may not always be nice or kind but it is the disease and not her personally speaking. Mom became really good at telling everyone to shut up, which is normally what we tell our kids not to say.

You are stressed by this situation and I am sure it is being felt by your Mom. Perhaps you need to relax a bit more, see a therapist just to let your fears and feelings out, hire a caregiver to stay with Mom so you can leave the house and relax, perhaps your Mom might enjoy a day care center for elders where she could meet others her age, or you may want to consider Assisted Living,

I do not know what the term is but it is something like the "Oreo Generation" where we are sandwiched between caring for parents and children at the same time and it is horribly stressful. I have been up since 3am with anxiety myself this morning, so I know where you are coming from.

In my instance, I have been doing this for 8 years, basically alone although my older sister lives here too. Due to sibling problems I have been left to carry this all alone and being locked into my home, not being able to leave due to Mom has taken its toll on me and now my panic and anxiety attacks have begun. I do not want to see you get to that spot, You need to enjoy your life, mother and your daughter and grandchild as much as possible, but when you feel so stressed, YOU NEED HELP! Let your daughter know one condition with moving in, is HELP from her continuously,

God Bless You

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When my mom was alive & first began living here, my daughter & her then 7 yr old son lived here also. It was "okay" at first - my grandson kept Mom entertained, and she enjoyed having him around...until he started playing with toys that were "too noisy" or talked "too loud". My 2nd grandson came to visit every weekend, so the two of them, well, you can imagine the energy. This had been our routine for several years, and she knew this - I didn't feel my family dynamic should be disrupted just because she was moving in, and in the beginning she agreed. Again - she loved it at first, but it didn't take long to wear on her & she got really grumpy. I was constantly either asking the boys to play a little quieter, or to ask her to go to her room if it got to be too much - basically I was put in the middle. It's a challenge to be sure, and with a 2 year old there is going to be boundless energy, so try to prepare her as much as possible. Since your mother was there first and is used to her own routine, warn your daughter that she will need to read the cues & take her child to the park or whatnot when gramma needs some quiet time.

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So many kindred spirits out there-who knew? Ours is a household of 6, my 87 year old MIL; my 70 year old mother; my husband and I in our 50's; my 17 year old daughter; and my 21 year old son. We have been together for a little over two years and have found that having space to call their own is huge for both moms, and as they are both quiet people having a retreat that allows them to do their own thing in peace. We initially had my FIL with us as well, he passed away about a year ago. In our experience who has the greater needs, and requires more care and attention tends to change often. At first it was my FIL with PD and dementia; then my MIL with chronic pancreatitis; now my mom who is in the. later stages of cancer and is in hospice care. We have a lot of conversations about team work and looking out for one another as well as our goal to have everyone be happy, healthy and comfortable. We are a work in continuous progress! I think being part of something bigger than themselves is uplifting for both grandmas even though they cannot physically contribute. Our kids are old enough to understand that the grandmas are priorities right now and are as helpful as their schedules allow. I think that learning to manage expectations and dealing with the hiccups that do occur quickly and patiently are what we have had to work on most. Most important for me is remembering why we chose to pursue this living arrangement, we are where we are supposed to be right now.

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Well here we are: I am 80, my son 51, his children 19, 16 and 1...we are surviving...very carefully...with a sense of humor and allowing the adult of the children to make their rules..(a challenge for me as a mother..ha). We have been together for 6 years.. Good luck...There is a lot of good help here. Just remember every situation has its own challenges and moments to be grateful for. Also ...nothing lasts forever. Patience and kindness are sometimes hard to remember in the heat of the moment. Love above all has helped me personally and knowing I have chosen this situation for a variety of reasons. If you can afford it outside help may be a plus. In our situation my son is stuck with a lot and I am not able to help him due to my body's reluctance..ha. The kids well...they clean their rooms and do their own laundry. My son does the rest. Namaste..Olive Oyl

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GG, I am more worried about you than anyone else there. Speaking from my own experience in dealing with a very similar situation here over the past 10 years, let me say to you take very good care of yourself. It's very demanding to have a parent who needs you in a role of caregiver, a child needing you as their parent, and a grandparent. Be careful to establish good solid boundaries, and do not feel guilty. Even the closest families with the best relationships within can't take too much of the cramped quarters. I wish I would have listened better to the advice of friends and approached my situation differently. Hindsight is 20/20.

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In my family, some elders live comfortably with households that have children, others don't. Some elders find that they're used to peace and quiet and really don't adjust to having children around making noise. It sounds kind of awful, I know, because grandparents are supposed to just love having their grandchildren around, but some can only take it in small doses before becoming totally stressed-out by it.

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I am in similar circumstance, with my 86 yr old father, adult kids and grandson that visit and my youngest son age 11 :). If your mom is able to have responsibilities around the house (ie asked to help out wherever possible) it will keep her thinking and help her feel needed instead of cared for. This is important, as none of us want to be a burden, we all need to feel useful. Fake attempts at this don't work, just as we would see thru them, so will she! Try to find ways she can pitch in and be part of your new team!

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I was already living in a house with my divorced daughter and 2 little grandsons when mom had to come to live with us. At first it was rough, as she was always losing things and thinking someone took them....and thinking the grandsons, ages 7&9, were going to steal from her. The kids were loud and she wasn't used to it, so at first it bothered her, but she adapted and now gets a kick out of the boys and sometimes will watch cartoons with them, which they love.. I also have 2 dogs, who she has come to love. She is 88 years old...turning 89 this month. As others have said, make sure she has a room where she can retreat to when things get to be too much.

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So sorry that things aren't working out so good in your family, Summer123. In my home, things get better all the time. As time goes on, my mom has gained trust, and no longer accuses us of stealing. Also, another nice thing is that with other family members there, especially if one other is an adult, it allows you time off. My daughter watched her while I went on a cruise last year. Now my daughter is the one on vacation. Because my daughter is here, I can actually go shopping alone, or out to dinner or a movie with a friend. I feel bad for those who are doing it alone. I don't think I could. Even though I do almost all the work, it's still nice to get a break. Try using the 'multi-generation family' to your advantage.

Anyone surviving a multi-generational household?

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