Hi all
for those following my story, you know the story with my narcissist ( not just throwing around the word, he truly fits ) dad with dementia and anger on top ....
I'm trying all I can with boundary setting etc. not going well. Today I gave the ultimatum discussion, as mentioned by Alva. I calmly told him that , if he does not shape up and stop fighting and tangling with me, plus all of the assisted living staff, then next step will be that I drop off, change my number , drop POA, and he will get assigned a state appointed guardian. I asked him multiple times "do you understand what I'm saying? ". I think it took a few times and then he got the general message.
Now, I give it 2 months. If this nonsense continues at that point, I'm moving to the drop POA stage....... one thing I stipulated and he agreed to doing - to see a geriatric psychiatrist. Whether he complies with their recommendations we will see
thanks all for the advice over the months. its been helpful.
I am sure that you feel like a broken record at times, having to repeat things over several times.
Well, since you say that your dad finally heard you, and you have given him a deadline, sounds like you have a good plan!
I hope that he will follow through with all that he agreed to.
Wishing you all the best.
Your countdown is sort of blowing what was.. UNinfesting your brain.. more like Letting Go.
Actually, just by starting the clock, maybe you feel lighter already?
Whether you drop the POA in 60 days or not, it is a powerful feeling to know you CAN, at any future time, do just that.
It's been just about 2 months that I laid down the law with my family and mother. I'm starting to see signs that things are starting to go back wards. I'm just waiting to see.
Best of luck to you!
Stick to your guns. Good Luck!
This may come down to having to do what is best for your own sanity.
The truth is that you are managing Dad pretty well as is. But I don't know what sort of toll that's taking on you.
Good luck.
so I felt I just had set set a countdown/ timeline , and let him know that .
and also that he just has to go to see a geriatric psychiatrist. No choice in the matter (well if he doesn’t agree, then I stop visiting completely until he agrees….)
My mother with dementia would never agree to anything to help her mood as she felt the victim and had every right to be unhappy and angry over being placed . She just had to be miserable on her own terms until she finally accepted her situation to a degree . She finally came to terms with her decline being the reason she was in AL about 3 months before she died when she was aware she was struggling more with mobility .
My DH used to tell me “ Your mother doesn’t want to be happy”. He was right , my mother would rather complain about her “ rotten kids “ and seek sympathy .
I hope dad improves his rotten attitude some with help from the psychiatrist. That's the goal here.....to get him the help he needs and have him step out of his OWN WAY.
Cheering you on from Denver! 😊
I don't blame you at this point...a "come to Jesus" talk was needed.
2 months is totally fair.
If this actually happens I would resign POA before dad is moved out of the AL and wash your hands of dad and the whole thing entirely. Tell this meddler that they will need to be responsible for dads care 100% and will be liable if dad is living in an unsafe environment for elder abuse and neglect, etc.
I don't have an answer to your question though.
If your Dad sucessfully gets someone to move him out, then you see a lawyer and have your POA revoked. A letter sent to Dad and the person that moved him stating that you have given up POA and are no longer responsible for Dad in any way. Make sure the person who moves him knows that by doing so, they are agreeing to take over Dads care. That you will give up your POA and walk away.
However , Dad will be Dad , He will still look to you for answers as he does now.
Are you going to not visit anymore, not answer your phone to get relief ?
It’s ok . Do what you have to do . Just know that visiting him after dropping POA will most likely not be any better than it is now .
Have you tried not visiting or answering the phone for weeks? I did no contact with my mother for 6 weeks after she called 911 to the facility to report I was stealing her money . It did have some effect , she never accused me of that again.
She even sat by the front door waiting for me to drop things off . I called the front desk when I needed to drop things off. Mainly Depends, and her usual snacks . They would send a staff member out to my car to take items from me and they would put them in Moms room.
Whatever you decide we are here . No judgement .
Still thumbing through his telephone contact list, calling everyone he knows? Using whatever tactics he can to secure a 'flying monkey" to do his bidding?
Is he STUCK on his mission & won't let up? Nag nag nagging you every chance he can? (I have some experience in this area).
Have you tried the stare?
He nags. You state "No".
He nags. You stare back. No words. Nothing. Silent. Don't move or speak until he changes topic. See how long he can persist.. out of curiousity?
Yes , I’ve done that .
We are in this together
Increasing problems are occurring. Due to OCD, insisting to take 3-4 hour assisted showers, then yelling at staff if they dont do it right. Yelling at staff for various other issues too. Then wants me to come in and solve the arguments. Then mad at me for not coming in to intervene.
Psychiatrist has recommended a medication now. I'm not sure if he is going to agree to take it. I need to think of a way to convince him that he has to take the med.
I don’t blame you if you need to step away from this .
It is frustrating when you can’t get them to take medicine . In my experience with LO’s, the facility would not lie and say it’s a vitamin . That may not have worked anyway , they still may have refused .
You have every right to prioritize yourself and your own family .
Do they think having Dad in memory care would help where there tends to be more staff ? If the psychiatrist can’t figure out how to get him to take a med , how do they think you can ?
I agree . Let the facility handle it .
Is the facility complaining to you about Dad ?
Or is Dad the one giving you all the grief ?
If the facility isn’t calling you up complaining , let them handle him .
Be less involved .
so, yes, i think I need to do this.
Dad gives grief, if there is a conflict with someone he calls and sometimes asks my input or for me to come in and solve the conflict, but I have stopped coming in for that.
You cannot REASON with someone with dementia. You cannot convince someone with a broken brain to see things in a different way.
Acceptance of that fact is the only way you will have peace.
That, and getting up and leaving when he becomes nasty, argumentative or agitated.
No audience, no show.
Your dad can't understand all you're saying. He has dementia.
I'm so sorry. You've been through the wringer on this.
Accepting this is all you can really do. Dad wants to decide. Ok.
Detach yourself from his decisions.
If Dad appears to be struggling, remind him his Doctor/Specialist said some medication may help.
Merely suggest he talk to someone.
He can decide. Decline, stay the same (aggitated & rigid) or he can decide to change his mind. To TRY talk therapy or medications.
Suggest.
He decides.
His consequences.
Your Dad won’t “get it” unless it is something profoundly & significantly different that happens to him. Your late mom did it as she divorced him and moved to another continent….. that’s pretty serious cleavage.
The solution is there and imo it would be he goes into a locked ward MC facility that has some beds on a wing with skilled nursing care staffing ability, so that this is his last and final move. And you file for Guardianship to be able to do this. Hopefully he has the $ to private pay for speciality MC for years.
My guess as to why this AL hasn’t yet booted your Dad out is that Dad has had more than enough $$$ to throw at temporary fixes so he has not been entirely their (the ALs) problem…. Y’all have hired caregivers and aides, moved him from 1 apt to another as he didn’t like his first one, etc. For the AL, you make sure bills are paid & it sees you as enough of a servant to your Dad (you’re constantly putting bandaids on problems of his own creation) that they don’t have to deal with him & so they can ignore him. If you were not doing all this, imo, Dad would have been given a 30 Day Notice to find a higher level of care long ago.
As he has seen a psychiatrist, this gives you a way to hopefully file for guardianship. Find an atty who does Guardianship to precisely find out what he & you will need to have this done successfully before a judge in your neck of the woods. Then your atty & you contact the psychiatrist to see if he will be ok to do whatever document needed for you to have an attorney do the paperwork for you to seek Guardianship over your Dad. Once you have that, you have all the legal authority needed to move him into whatever type of facility needed, to ensure Dad gets the medications he so needs, etc.
Just resigning your POA and letting your Dad free float in his decision making does not solve the problem. You will still be the default contact for his banking/financials, the AL, APS (should they be contacted), any hospitals or doctors or clinics.
He declined to go on psych meds. Paranoid, anxiety, and argumentativeness are worse. THen I found out he is still speaking to family and telling them he suspects we are stealing his money. I forget who suggested the statement below, but I went ahead and issued him a version of it as a potential threat. So lets see now how he responds:
"Dad, if you don't trust us, we're more than happy to resign our POA and get rid of ALL this work we do on your behalf which now you want to go over with a fine tooth comb to make sure we're not stealing from you. This has cost US time away from our families and we're getting ulcers from ALL of this. Just let us know NOW if we should resign our POA and have the state take over for us. Once that happens, your life choices are in THEIR hands. Your choice. Just let us know in a few days how YOU choose to proceed."
Don’t answer your phone or call back either . I ignored Moms messages . After 6 weeks my mother finally left a message with an apology.
Sorry strugglin,
this all sucks. You do what is best for you.
Dad will be Dad no matter what you decide .
It was like a fight for autonony & independance when you think of it. The family members that became a 'trigger' for rants did need to step away for a while. Sad, but necessary for BOTH sides.
Then as dementia progressed a new, softer, more forgetful person emerged.
The Mother had given in. To the routine, the environment. Felt safe there. Became HAPPY to see familar family faces. The previous 'stealing' all forgotten.
I don't know how long it takes to go from 'that stealing son of mine' to 'my beloved son'.. 💔
Visit less for now I guess.