Father age 89, I am his daughter and live-in caretaker. He has Alzheimer's and Dementia and is confined to a wheelchair. How to take him to a public restroom? If he just has to urinate, I carry a plastic urinal in a sealed baggie that he can quickly use. But if he has to sit down (sorry for being graphic), then how does a female caretaker do this? Do we ask a stranger to accompany my father....which I tried and my father raised a proper hissy. And I don't want a strange to injure himself by trying to lift my father up from his wheelchair onto a toilet. I can't go in with him unless I ask a stranger to guard the door...no guarantees there since I've had others just charge into the bathroom and yell at me for being in there. I can't take him into the female bathroom for the same reasons. I've tried getting my father to wear a pull-up adult diaper but that didn't go very well, lots of screaming, fighting, and accusations. He's an extremely strong-willed stubborn person and wants/INSISTS on going everywhere we go, anytime we go. Tried making sure he did bathroom visits before leaving house, but that doesn't always work. Anybody? Advice? Thank you.
I can't believe people raised a fuss while you were trying to toilet your FIL! When I took my dad out he'd always have to use the bathroom and while at first I took him to the men's room thinking he'd be more comfortable there I ended up taking him to the ladies room because the handicapped stall was a little bigger (or seemed a little bigger to me). I never had anyone be rude to me and I actually had people smile at me with compassion and understanding.
When my dad used the restroom, whether it was men's or womens', I just rolled him in there myself. Once he was situated I waited outside so I could warn anyone coming in that my dad was in there, and then once my dad was done I rolled him out. There's no need to approach strangers to help. My dad having to constantly go to the bathroom was an issue we had when going out and I got to where I wouldn't have cared if anyone had a problem with me taking him into the ladies room or me standing in the men's room waiting for him. The situation was a mess regardless of how I looked at it but when dad had to go he had to go and I was going to take him regardless of what anyone said. But luckily, as I said, we never had a problem.
The only places that did not have them were small restaurants and Indian casinos ( the reservation is exempt from city code), if a family bathroom was not available, I would quickly roll him in....typically they were not too full. I could walk in and say...hey sorry, mind if I bring my 90 yo dad in.......nobody ever complained or fussed at me.
It would have been much weirder for me to walk in the men's room
Don't send him with a stranger.
I'd worry about that "insists" he goes everywhere we go. That does not sound healthy. I'm afraid you'll burn out!
But yes, he wants to be on the go every single second of the day, even with medication that is supposed to keep him calmer. The doctor has doubled the dosage and increased the times per day he can take it, something like valium. His metabolism must be like Superman since nothing has slowed him down. the last thing he says before he goes to sleep is, what are we going to do tomorrow and the first thing when he wakes up is what are we going to do today. He goes several times a week to an Adult Day Care that specializes in ALZ/Dementia patients and enjoys himself there. But before we can wheel him back inside the house, he is already asking now what...... Example: I took him Saturday for a hair cut, mani and pedi, to lunch, then grocery shopping...trying to do ANYTHING to keep him occupied and not screaming to go do something....which took HOURS since he is not mobile and I am wheeling him and transportting him in/out of car, etc. We got home, he took an hour nap....woke up demanding to go do something....he's NEVER content to just sit and watch TV, I have tried every single sort of programming under the sun...from the news to music to talk shows to cop shows to very old movies from his era, to action movies...nothing keeps his attention for more than a few minutes...then he's ready to be moved thru the house ...take me to the sliding glass door so I can look outside....take me to the kitchen so I can sit at the table...take me down the hall so I can look inside the heating/air conditioning door...no idea why...take me to the car so I can make sure my cane is in there ...he no longer uses a cane but insists we have canes in every vehicle and every room of the house...we attend church services and we aren't even out of the pew before he wants to know now what are we going to go do. If you insist you have gone and done enough, and it's time to stay HOME for a while, he will non-stop badger you by constant non-stop talking, singing, whistling, demanding your constant presence and attention. He just gets LOUDER and VERY rude and demanding if you ignore him or don't answer the first time he calls your name. His best friend just quit coming around or calling for that very reason; she said he was wearing her out by constantly demanding to be entertained or taken somewhere...before I moved in his home to take care of him. He is so demanding and annoying and persistant that NO other family members even come around anymore; he's too much for them to take, even in small doses of a few hours. They quit calling, he is all about him, always has been, but with the ALZ, he's taken his narcissistic personality up about a thousand notches. I have tried to explain that my husband and I simply can't physically take him everywhere and entertain him 24/7 or be right THERE in the same room with him all the time but he refuses to hear that, he just ignore you and continues on with his list of demands. We are in that "middle class" 'between stage' where my dad is too comfortable financially to qualify for any sort of Medicare or supplemental help programs, but too poor financially for us to pay for any help or for nursing home costs. I'm sure MANY of you are in the same position, too rich for this but too poor for that. So there is no other recourse but to bear the brunt and do what we need to do. Burn out....tell me about it......I am even putting off heart ablation surgery because I can't take the time off (10 days) to get it done....and my husband is also taking care of his 79 yr old mother and taking care of our home...I live across town in my dad's house now...plus I work full time so my husband has my dad during most of the day, I come home at 3pm and take over, cleaning the house at night once we finally get him to bed. I'm up at 4am getting myself ready to be at work by 6am. It's a wonderful life....smiles and sighs....
I think you just have to put your foot down, maybe leave him home by himself even just for half an hour, he needs something to shake him up or wake him up, he has been getting away with this distructive behaviour for far too long. There has to be some place that will take him, what if he had no one? You really need to get some help and take a vacation with your husband, sound like you both need it, pick an all inclusive so you don't have to cook or clean, a short cruise would do it too.
I wish you all the best….don't know what else to say...