MIL, 93 years old, lives alone with with an aid that comes in 1 a week for two hours to help with light house keeping. She has breat cancer, high blood pressure, and only takes her meds occasionaly. She walks with a shuffle, with the aid of a cain, and climbs 1 flight of stairs at least 3 times a day. She doesn't take showers but take a sponge bath, we don't think she is washing landry and at the last Dr visit the Dr suggested assisted living. This is a very stubbern woman. We believe she has dememtia, has trouble paying bills, left the stove on with an emplty pan on the burner.
My husband is the only child and he doesn't want her mad at him, so we have set up a family meeting to take place this Saturday, to talk about her living arrangment the way it is and what she needs to do. The question has come up do we tell her that we are all coming over to visit or do we just show up? One cousin thing we need to let her know that we are coming to talk to her about her living situation. I'm torn between telling her and not telling her.
Good luck. This will be hard but it's the right thing to do.
Carol
One thing to keep in mind and this was in our situation anyway, my MIL was very outgoing, and enjoyed people in and out of her home; however, we noticed that as dementia set in, she was getting overwhelmed when more than two people were in her house talking to her. She would become full of anxiety and defensive.
It's anxiety caused by the disease. Just something to consider. There are different approaches for every family. In our case, we would visit unannounced, as she would either forget we were coming or was suspicious.
Hope all works out for you.
3pinkroses, I am sorry to say, she doesn't have any friend that she sees regularly. She would rather is in her condo and look out the window, at the passing world, "in the dark". My MIL becomes defensive when we talk about what she needs to take care of herself and she just keeps saying "I will know when the time comes, and I don't need a plan".
My husband is going to let her know either Friday or early Saturday morning that we are coming over for coffee and goodies. But I'm sure she is going to suspect something is going on. Good thing he has a key. We are all going to meet at a coffee place before we head to his Mom's to try and come up some type of plan to talk to her.
I will post an up date. Again thank you for the replies.
Good Luck with your family meeting. I know this can be a stressful situation but if you are prepared things can go well and everyone can be happy...including your Mother in Law.
Here is an article to help your family meeting run smoothly.
Family Meetings: How to Have Peace and Avoid Arguments
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/holding-family-meetings-142664.htm
Good Luck and let us know how it goes!
Karie H.
Help your husband see that demanding extra care for his mother, despite her wishes to deny the obvious, is GOOD CARETAKING now. Just as you would never let a little kid decide to live alone, because they haven't the skills and judgment to care for herself without supervision, neither does your MIL possess the physical capacity or judgment to live alone.
I know it's Friday, but can you find a social worker, or geriatric care manager, or some third party skilled enough to run the discussion and mediate the energy in the room? This per on could also give your MIL a MoCA test ( I believe it stands for Montreal Assessment for Dementia, though I could be wrong). It would be a great way for you all to see how impaired she is; it is very likely more than you even suspect. And your Mom will take the test, as they all do, to prove to you that she can take care of herself.
Keep breathing. The more centered and grounded you can keep yourself, the more stable energy you deliver to the event to help people anchor to. Just say to yourself, "I am grounded to the earth and to the stars" and you may feel a change. Take a quick walk outside and let your bare feet touch the earth for a minute or longer. Hug a tree. Slap your feet on the bottom a few times. Each of these is an actual way to help your body be more rooted and grounded, silly as some seem. I promise they will work, and help you.
Finally, when you notice someone getting worked up , deliberately match their breathing pattern. Then start to slow yours down, and watch how theirs calms down too. If you get them to entrain to your calmer vibe, they will calm down some, and the temperature in the room will lower.
Good luck to you all!
As far as having a social worker or some one else come in, my husband, I don't think, would be in favor of that. I would and I think the MoCA test would be a good eye openner. While many others take the test to prove that they are OK, I can just hear my MIL "No way, I'm just fine" but I could be wrong.
Thank you very much about "keep breathing". This one I need to write down and take with me. And the one about being grounded. I need to remember both of these when talking with my own Mom, who has dementia but is so much easier to work with. My Mom has her days, where I just want to walk away and not come back but they aren't many.
Again thanks for all of your suggestion. Saturday is just one day away.
I got there and said she had put a deposit on the apt and sign the rentral agreement and that the family was coming over to help with the move. She said she changed her mind and that maybe now was not the right time to move. Well the family showed up and we talked a little bit and then she was all on board. She asked us to just packet things up. She told us that she was excited to move and that she was ready for the new adventure. We moved her in, hung up pictures and she was saying that her heart was at peace and that having her belongs there made all the difference. My husband was saying that he wished he had the video camera so that we could capture these moment because we know that in the morning it would be different. Well, it didn't event take until the morning. We had dinner with my Mom, who also lives at the same retirement center. And then by the time dinner was over and my husband walked her back to her apt, she was ready to go back to her condo. That maybe she was making a mistake. She said that she didn't know that she would be spending the night. She then started to bring up the list of 5 items that she thought the 1st care taker took. And after she listed the items. We told her that we found all the items that in fact one of the items she listed, she was wearing at that moment. We talked with her for about an hour. During that time we told her that she was not going home, she would be spending the night and that family was coming back in the morning to visit with her. She again asked if we were taking her home. Again we said no. We asked if she wanted one of us to spend the nigh with her and she said no. We said OK but also advised her that we would be back 1st thing in the morning as we are concerned about her waking up in a strange place. But she instisted that she would be fine. Now we are concerned that this might not be the right place for her, maybe she needs more of a memory care unit. But we will just have to wait to see what tomorrow brings. I do have to say that one of the cousin said they really had their eyes opened to what has been happening and the difficultes that we have been having. It is time for a glass of wine. NancyH, I told my husband that maybe we need to clean out the condo and get is on the market because she wants to go back home now.
I applaud you for all the steps you and your husband took to get her moved. Good luck and keep us posted. Hugs.
One of the cousins came over later in the morning, with her mother and grandkids, and my MIL was really enjoying herself. This vist tired her out and so we all left. We also let her know that we would be back at 5:30 for dinner and we would be eating again with my Mom.
Well, at 5:30 she was again not happy and was ready to go back to the condo. I'm thinking she may have sundowners. But I helped her get down to dinner and I had a glass of red wine waiting for her. Other residences from the center stopped by the table and welcomed her and by the end of the evening and when we dropped her off in her room, things had calmed down.
As a family we are going to try and work out a schedule so that here at first someone will visit with her and they will try to work it so we will get a break. I am also a little concerned that I also spend just as much time with my Mom, so that she doens't feel like is she taking a 2nd sit to my MIL. I think it can be a fine line to balance having both of our moms at the same place but at the same time a lot of less travel time to see them both. And they both get along.
195 Austin, thank you also. I think you are correct. I believe that she will be up and down for awhile. Thing went well yesterday and we left her feeling really good. The next hump will be when they start with the medication managment. She only needs to take pills once a day, but I see some restance on that one. And then when PT starts. We need to get her up walking. Well more later, I have duties to take care of with my Grandson.
We have her signed up for assisted living for medication managment, I also just today signed her up to have lunches delivered to her room, to make sure that she has lunch. I am hoping that soon we will get PT started to help her with her walking and balance.
And to all, we know that she is in a much better place. We are more at peace because we know that she is safe.