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About six weeks ago (?) I posted a message about being an only child and how frustrated I was when my mother would say "You're all I have." I really appreciate the supportive responses I got, and just the general resource of this forum, which I'd already been following for a while (reading other people's situations/feelings was a huge comfort).
Anyway, I never responded to those comments because right after that, my mother got very sick with sepsis and died. I'm having a lot of super-complicated feelings about it, but I still find myself drawn to this forum, I think because it's a reminder that complicated feelings are human.
Thanks to everyone here, it's really a tremendous source of information, tough love, soft love, and moral support -- I'll probably continue to lurk for a while.

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I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish you peace as you navigate your grief.

I doubt very much that you were a "LousyDaughter".

(((hugs))).
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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Please know that your posts help all of us just as ours help you.
I am sorry your sweet mom passed. Wishing you peace and understanding that eases the difficult memories and brings the joy of happier times.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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So sorry for your loss. I’m very sure you were just a human daughter vs a lousy daughter. I think a lot of us are drawn to this forum for exactly the reasons you so aptly describe- great practical advice, diverse and thoughtful insights, tough love with a soft place to land. Wise counsel with heart; tribal elders/peers who take the time and effort to impart wisdom, humor and compassion to other’s struggles, big and small. It’s a great comfort long after your issues have resolved or changed. The humanity of this forum never ceases to amaze. I hope you stay on
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Reply to strugglebunny
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So sorry for your loss. Yes, please lurk for a while. Your experiences and comments to others may help others who are struggling as you were.
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Reply to strugglinson
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LousyDaughter, my heartfelt sympathy to you and a your family. Oh, please stay on the forum. My folks passed years ago, and I continue here to give suggestions that had worked for me, and you can, too.
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Reply to freqflyer
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I cringed a bit over the name you chose for yourself - I seriously doubt you were 'lousy' AS a daughter but can understand you may have felt that way over what has transpired. I'm all I 'have' now too. Dad died - they claimed it was sepsis. Mother broken hearted and gave up - couldn't see it at the time but it is clear at the look back. Sister now gone too and four other close family members all in short period of time. Sure kept the funeral homes busy this year. I've stayed on this forum too for same reasons you state - good information, tough love (often much needed- thanks AlvaDeer!), soft love and the moral support. Please take care of yourself, and feel free to share thoughts for others as you see fit. You never know the good impact you may have on those you will never meet in person.
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Reply to JLyn69
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I am so sorry for your loss, and wish you peace and comfort ahead.
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Reply to pamzimmrrt
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Thank you for contributing your and your mother’s experiences. I am sure it helped many.

Thinking of you as you grieve this loss.
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Reply to SnoopyLove
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I’m sorry for your loss, and yes, there are complicated feelings on so much of this. Please know you now have valuable experience and wisdom to share with others who come here. If you decide you can stay to provide your insight, it would be welcomed. Meanwhile, I wish you healing and peace as you cope with loss and lots of feelings
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Reply to cover9339
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Lousy, I’m so sorry. I suspect that a mother’s passing is always going to leave a daughter with complicated feelings because the relationship, in life, is a complicated one, by nature. I hope you can work out whatever is possible to work out and put aside the rest with an easy mind.
Most of all, I hope you will stay around on the forum for those of us on the cusp of losing our mothers. We’re going to need you.
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Reply to Peasuep
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So sorry for your loss.

My Mom passed 2017. I stayed on the forum because I felt I had something to give.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Dear LD, So sorry for your loss. I have been on this forum for several years. My husband had dementia and other physical issues for seven years before he passed away last year. I'm still "hanging around" because this is a wonderful place for advice and venting. Take care of yourself. If you are a religious person, you know your mother is at peace. (((Hugs to you)))
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Reply to Grannie9
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Oh, Dear! I am so very sorry for this loss.
Yet and all I hope you will feel at least a little bit of the relief I felt when my parents, who I dearly loved, left. And for my brother who was so very ready to go and hoped he could beat Lewy's to the best last bits of his brain by grasping the hands of the Grim Reaper first. I felt relief for them that their torment was over. I felt relieved I no longer had to live in fear for them and in fear of standing witness to further losses for them.

Things ARE so complicated. Two things can be true at the same time. And a good Irish wake where they discuss the good AND the bad of a long long life, with laughter AND tears would go a way to help many in our time, though is--I am certain--no longer "woke" or "PC". Truth in all this is VERY complicated. So often there ARE no answers and we are left with "fix-it!" brains unable to fix it at all.

I hope you will stay on this forum. My brother died give years ago next May, and I remain here. I am an old bat of a retired RN who really, at 82, doesn't contribute much of any value to this world. Those I once cared for are all gone. But here I can either contribute or get my advice kicked to the curb (where sometimes he undoubtedly belongs).

Take good care of yourself.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Sorry for your loss.
No matter how "complicated" things are there are deep feelings when you lose a parent.
After reading our comments and replies to this and your previous post I hope you do not feel that you are a "LousyDaughter"
Please do "lurk" and contribute when you can when someone else posts that has the same feelings and circumstances you have had. We are on a journey some paths are different but converge at times.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Families are often "complicated" especially the mother daughter relationships, so what you're now feeling is quite normal.
I'm glad you were able to honor your mothers wishes in the end and that this particular burden has been lifted.
I pray that God's peace, comfort and strength will be with you in the days, weeks and months ahead.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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I'm so sorry about your mom. Sending prayers and love.
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Reply to faithfulbeauty
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I'm so sorry for this sudden, painful loss. May you gain peace in your heart as you move through the complicated feelings and grief. From another only.
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Reply to Geaton777
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My condolences on the unexpected loss of your mom. Complicated feelings go with the territory for the vast majority of us after such a loss. My mother died in Feb of 2022 and I still dream of her most nights, believe it or not.

I'm glad we were able to help and support you. Why not stick around and share your experiences with others?

Wishing you healing and grace for yourself as you move forward.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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LousyDaughter Dec 21, 2024
Thank you for saying this, it honestly never occurs to me that I could help anyone in this situation because I'm still waiting for the grownups to come and sort it all out (I'm 54).

One thing, if it's helpful to anyone reading this, is that when we were in the ER, the doctor came in and told me she was septic, etc.,, and they could put her in ICU or take the comfort care measures she said she wanted in her paperwork and send her to a hospice facility. I said do the latter because she was really suffering (it was horrible) but the experience of hospice was absolutely incredible and humbling. I can't think those strangers enough for *truly* taking care of her, and although I have really painful feelings, I wouldn't have done anything differently
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