I probably know the answer, I just need to get it out there, and I know I can in this forum.
Mom wants everything RIGHT NOW. I have been at a conference for the last week and was dead tired when I came over to check on her. "Go pick this up!" She broke an appliance and ordered a new one and asked 3 times for my husband and me to go get it and replace it.
I told her no, after what I have been through all week, then coming home to a sick dog, there was no possible way that I was going to drag my half dead you know what across town, pick up her new gadget, put it together, install it, etc. Mind you it's also in the 100's outside today.
When she hears the word no, good Lord does she throw the tantrum to end all tantrums. So I told her, "I am tired, I have a sick animal, this is NOT an emergency. You need to STOP getting so upset (there was a word before upset) over these things." Now she has vascular dementia so that's not going to happen but it WILL be brought to her attention.
She scoffed and she huffed at the fact that I was so tired. "I am too." The woman has THREE caregivers that do everything for her, so you know, it must be exhausting watching all that.
I turned on my heel, said good bye and out the door I went.
The invalidation of my feelings, or needs, has always been a problem but now with her small vessel disease in the brain it is magnified beyond words. However her brain is not so broken that it can't be pointed out that I am dragging, horrendously tired, distressed about the dog, oh, and just recently had a cortisone shot in my shoulder FINALLY after hurting it when I tried to stop her fall earlier this year.
No, mom. Not today.
I always thought those words would never come. But when it comes to a kitchen appliance and the world is going to end if I don't go get it, they are VERY easy to say.
Try to steam line everything. The good news is pretty much everything nowadays can be delivered--prescriptions, clothing, groceries.
If you need anything major (appliances) if you can wait til Black Friday--you can do all of this online. I'm not a big online shopper. I agree with Dave Ramsey "one click of button and there's a box on your porch". Buy only necessities.
With the elderly a little thing to us can appear like a big thing to them. My mother thought we were running out of facecloths even though we just bout a 24-pack from Walmart. They worry about these things. Just hold their hand and tell them your needs will be provided or sometimes I simply say to Mom with dementia--good thinking, we'll get more facecloths.
They think they are helping. Their brain is wearing out and they become fixed on one particular topic.
She is still just as demanding and entitled as she ever was, and I blame it on her personality and being coddled her entire life rather than the dementia. The dementia has only served to harden it and eliminate what ability she had to empathize with others and be self-aware.
When I was growing up, her job was the most important thing in her life and everything and everyone else came second. She forced me to be the housecleaner, the table-setter, the bed-maker. My now-deceased brother would laugh and say "you were her slave".
If I didn't abide by the chores and rules I would get screamed at and told that I looked like "dead flies are dropping off of you" and other charming comments.
We only had one shower in the house where I grew up, and no one - I mean no one - could shower before her in the mornings because she didn't like wet shower curtains. Just one of many demands that were met for her comfort.
And now here we are. I'm still her indentured servant at 63 years old.
Her demands are constant and relentless. If I don't answer or respond right away, she just gets louder until she's literally barking my name and demanding that I
"come here!!" Just yesterday afternoon as I was within 4 feet of her this happened and I told her - as per usual - that I will not respond when she speaks disrespectfully and she refuses - shakes her head no.
She's not going to change, so it's my responsibility to not be triggered and to give her whatever it is that she wants so she'll be quiet for a few minutes.
i’m in a similar situation, but i live in my own house. i visit my LOs and help out. the way your mother treats you, is the way my mother treats me.
…screaming louder and louder to get what she wants. fake tantrums, etc.
sometimes abusive fathers can be reasoned with more. abusive mothers sometimes have no mercy how badly they treat their daughters. (there are all sorts of exceptions; i’m just speaking generally).
i wish you to be free of abuse.
i wish us all to be free of abuse.
great advice to the OP!! i’ll try to follow the same advice.
reality:
some abusive parents have always been abusive, and it really isn’t the disease.
nevertheless:
if you can manage not to take it personally, you’d probably get less hurt/angry. it truly isn’t a reflection of you; it’s about them - and they’re saying lies about you, trying to bring you down, brainwashing you, trying to make you believe it’s your fault. kind of like what an enemy would do against someone - but it’s (in many cases), the jealous mother against the daughter.
It doesn’t matter what her disease process is. You cannot allow yourself to become a slave to it. Tell her “No” whenever she makes an unreasonable demand and mean it; stay strong, and do not give in. If she begins to throw a tantrum, leave immediately.
The instinct for survival will result in accommodation, no matter what disease she has, until she loses contact with reality. It doesn’t sound like she is at that point. You might notice that she still has mental acumen sufficient to pick her targets. If she’s well enough to order gadgets, she’s well enough to bend to your demands for peace and reasonableness.
If she’s doing this to the caregivers, you also need to advise them not to bend to her unreasonable demands and back them up when incidents occur. It’s difficult to reason with any elder who mistakenly believes she is and always will be “in charge” so don’t even try. Just refuse without bothering to explain your reasons.
Indeed, she was. Now, when she hears the word 'no' or 'not today,' it is a personal affront to her. She wanted stuff again today and I'm laying here with a migraine. "oh well maybe you'll feel better later and can..."
"No. We'll get it done tomorrow."
A mini toddler tantrum but otherwise manageable. As I mentioned before her dementia is not severe, and it is more in the execution and planning area more than memory or confusion or anything else. She knows where she is, what she's doing, and of course, what she's saying.
hug! :)
i see what you mean, try the:
“right-back-at-her technique”.
i can tell you clearly that in my case, it wouldn’t work. my LO would then:
pretend to cry, and tell everyone how she’s the victim of someone else’s angry outbursts.
—
i’ve never tried it. but i know that would happen. even when my voice sounds a bit less than cheerful (for example, maybe she just insulted me), then she criticizes my voice, plays the victim.
all these abusive people (often they’re female; mothers) do the same thing all over the world.
and the more abusive they are, the less any technique will ever help against it.
the only way is:
make yourself unavailable. reduce contact. don’t be physically present (or phone), to be the target. reduce the quantity of target time.
——
as margaret below me suggested:
“I think the best outcome is that you finally said “No Mom. Not today’.”
i do that.
my LOs have private caregivers, so i remind them to ask the caregivers to do x, y, z.
——
courage to us all!
helping someone is hard enough.
helping a difficult person? totally unnecessary, additional stress dumped on your shoulders.
There was a very l.o.n.g thread way back describing the daily demands from an undiagnosed MIL.
The intention of *one day of help offered per week* was good. Just so hard to implement. Constant daily calls, expectations & pressure would spill out onto the OP. When she said "No, not today..." then her DH, SIL or adult child would have been phoned (also busy) so added pressure to the OP "can't you just... Just this once.."
The "I forgot I need.." calls - when OP had done ALL the shopping the day before.
The "I need X. It must be today!" An assortment of things most folk buy in advance - dog food, printer paper etc.
"Did I tell you I have an doctor/heart/eye/foot/skin/hair appointment TODAY & I need you to drive me".
"I need the leaves raked up TODAY because I may slip outside!"
Add on time Mission Creep too +++
Grocery collect 1.5 hrs. Oh but get coffee, haircut, specially dog food store other side of town, now may as well buy lunch... then post office, few more shops, may as well order dinner for takeaway now to save cooking later, from that great place 15 mins away.. ok bye now I REALLY have to go. Be back NEXT week.
Then very next morning... ring ring.
Does it get worse you ask?
My folks still viewed me as being 25 years old instead of 65 years old with my own age related issues. Even waving my own Medicare card and my AAPR membership didn't sink in.
When they asked me to change the light bulbs in the ceiling lights, they looked at me like my hair was on fire when I said I no longer climb ladders. Eventually they called an electrician who changed the bulbs.
Oh how I wished I would have set boundaries when my parents first started to need extra help, it would have saved me a lot of stress and health issues that I had developed.
My mother will start sentences with, "I don't want you driving alone."
"Don't get in your hotel elevator with anyone." (I am extremely cautious trust me, but I also practice martial arts and could seriously bloody a lip ...)
"I don't want you walking through the mall by yourself."
Mind you I am 50 years old. She'll do the "It's just because I care," thing, so the last time she said that, I told her, "then just say 'be careful!'".
Then the other day I finally had to breakdown and get a cortisone shot in one of my joints. "Oh it wasn't hurting you THAT much." No, sure, I do cortisone for fun.
Denial of what scares her makes it not real, but it does not help me at all and she's done it ever since I was a child. In fact today I asked her, "Are you at all aware I'm FIFTY years old?" Which, I might add, I find to still be quite young.
I answered it because like you she wanted me to get the ladder out and dust the top shelf in the living room, this after a cortisone shot and a migraine the other day. So I told her to get one of the licensed bonded and insured caregivers to do it - who asks daily if she can clean the top shelf.
"Well, I'll think about it."
"Bye."
Love the above statement. Short. Informative. Assertive.
Maybe an add on?
Eg "No, Mom. Not today" with "I can't. You could ask *insert: paid caregiver's name* when they next visit. Don't worry, it will get done".
Kind of using Geaton's points 2) divert + reassure 4).
I would like to suggest that regardless of your mom's personality prior to dementia, it will be unproductive for you to keep reacting to her as if she's her "old" self with her well-worn motives and manipulations. Dementia is robbing her of her ability to work from reason and logic, and any ability to empathize with anyone's circumstance, health, condition, etc. You may find that changing tactics will be less frustrating and exhausting for you. Feel free to use "therapeutic fibs" to get her focus off what she is stuck on: "Mom, I'm so sorry but the store has certain hours for pick-up and it can't happen right now. I'll call them in the morning to see when I can go." If she repeats her demand, just repeat the fib, and then eventually use diversion and distraction to change the topic.
I found this list to be very helpful in my own caregiving situation, and I think it will help you, too. I also recommend watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to understand what dementia does to people and to learn how to interact with them for more peaceful and productive engagement.
Rules for engaging our loved ones with dementia:
1) Agree, do not argue
2) Divert, do not attempt to reason
3) Distract, do not shame
4) Reassure, do not lecture
5) Reminisce, do not ask “Do you remember…?”
6) Repeat, do not say “I told you”
7) Do what they can do, don’t say “you can’t”
8) Ask, do not demand
9) Encourage, do not condescend
10) Reinforce, never force
The overall goals should be to:
1) keep them as calm and peaceful as possible
(because they are less and less able to bring themselves to this state on their own)
2) keep them physically protected in their environment and from predatory people
3) keep them nourished with healthy foods that they will accept without fighting or forcing
4) keep them in as good a health condition as is possible, that their financial resources will allow and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
5) keep them pain-free as possible and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the receiver and the giver. If it is onerous to the caregiver, then the arrangement is NOT working. Alternative types of care must be considered to avoid caregiver burnout.
It is true, I fall in to the trap of her supposedly, "knowing better," but with the toxicity she had prior to dementia, and now the magnification of it, it is hard, very hard, not to get angry. She uses guilt and manipulation tactics to try and make me do things - a good example, when my husband and I were dating before marriage, she would make us do her grocery shopping "before we went out on the town because you're still right here in the area." So our dates would be late or delayed because she needed me to do these things before I went out for fun.
Thus, I probably set up that trap myself but I had no coping skills back then.
Her screaming at me today just brought it all back.
And congratulations on using the word no and sticking to it.