A few weeks ago the social worker from the nursing home my Mom is a resident in called me. She asked me if a decision was made as to what directives were made for my Mom. Mind you, the entire time my Mom has been a resident at the nursing home she was declared competent to make her own decisions by the psychiatrist and social worker. Now since this phone call the social worker is stating that my Mom isn’t competent. I explained, very calmly, to the social worker that she (the social worker) has said to me in many conversations that she felt my Mom was confused at times but for the most part was competent. I feel that my Mom is beginning to show signs that her health is not where it should be (considering her situation) and they’re covering there asses! It upsets me because I’ve said with frequency that I have great conversations with my Mom and other times my Mom is altered. I get assured that it’s the UTI, or the change of lifestyle, or she was sleeping, etc., etc. If they’d only be truthful with me it would make this situation a bit less difficult. I’ve come to terms with my Mom’s possibly passing. She’s 90 years old and she’s not in the best of health. She lived alone up until she fell in her apartment but she led a relatively active life. She was still going to the grocery store across the street where she lived and visited her friends in her apartment building. When she fell in her apartment she had to be placed into a nursing home. She never wanted to be in a nursing home and she refused help when I wanted to get some for her (home healthcare). I have 2 living siblings who take little to no part in my Mom’s life. I’m left (not because I’m forced to) handling my Mom’s situation and most of her life before she entered her golden years. She was tough on me as a Mom and even though I could have held a grudge it’s not in my being. I love her unconditionally. So this is where I’m left. Trying to get my siblings to take part in the decision as to whether my Mom should be a DNR or not. What if they don’t agree with my choice? I’m the one listed on the emergency contact list and who the facility always calls for anything regarding my Mom. My Mom lives in New Jersey and I live in Florida. I’m in dire need of help. Any advise or words of wisdom please?
The staff interact with her daily. Be straight up with the SW and ask her what has changed since you’ve been told your mother essentially had no deficits up until now. Don’t be afraid to get your siblings involved either. She is their mother too. If they bow out at least you know where they stand. Remember they’ll still be there after your mother passes and if you want to keep any relationship with them unity in making the decision will assure this.
The longer you waiver could end up being detrimental to your mother in the sense that if she arrests they will try everything to bring her back.
It sounds to me that your mother vacillates between being aware and being confused (if that’s what you mean by “altered”). This can very well be dementia exhibiting itself.
My advice is discuss it with her in a general conversation. Explain that after all she is getting older but it’s a decision we all inevitably need to face. We all pass away. Ask her to assign POA as well. This can be arranged at the nursing home with an attorney. See how mom reacts.
This is, of course, if you feel she is competent enough to carry on this conversation. I have my doubts.
If she can’t have the above conversation with you because she doesn’t understand then you’ll have to confer with your siblings like it or not.
Someone needs to make the decision because the staff will code her. Yes it’s very hard to discuss death but at her age it’s a very real possibility.
At advanced age, as Alvadeer explained, CPR is brutal. I don't see it as adding vital treatment - but actually adding futile treatment.
I much prefer the terms 'advanced care plan' or 'advanced directive'. The focus seems more on what is acceptable & what is not.
Do you want all measures taken to restore/preserve life, despite any pain this may cause? Or would you prefer to be kept as comfortable as possible & avoid painful, invasive options?
I don't think you need to waste time convincing siblings one way or the other. Just a simple chat to Mother, or if you you prefer, arrange a third party like an experienced pastoral carer or church elder to be present. Yes it can be hard to bring this up, but the benefit is aiming to adhear to your Mother's own wishes. The burden will be lifted from your shoulders.
Now its green and with a few more questions. For some reason I can't find the updated one. But each facility Mom was in, I had to do a new one and the attending signed off on it.
I would ask what form they are using. Maybe ask to have it emailed.
So you might, leaving off my graphics say "Mom, the facility has called me and they would like us to fill out your advanced directive. That means, if something should happen to you unexpectedly, and you should pass away in the night, or even at the breakfast table laughing at Fran's jokes, do you want them to try to bring you back. Do you want them to pound on your chest or to breathe air into your chest. Would you ever want to be on a ventilator? Or would you like to be allowed to be at peace and at rest?
This is an easy one. Do whatever Mom wishes. IF you are her MPOA and you already KNOW the answers to this, having long discussed such things with your Mom, then you can do the forms yourself. But this is your Mom's decision.
Let me ask you, in all this time, have you no idea what your Mom would wish. Old nurses and their families DO talk of this, and usually do know what family members would want.
My brother died in May. Prior to that he was in assisted living for one year. We often discussed that he had wished he didn't have to go there. He said "It's like when I was in the army. Didn't want to go there, but made the best of it". He didn't wish to go on in any artificial way. I knew exactly what he wanted.
I doubt sincerely that your 90 year old Mom would like to be brought BACK from the peace of death. But occasionally they will surprise you with their answers. ASK HER. NPR recently had a segment with Seniors saying "Why do they not just ASK me".