Things are getting real. Advice?
Last Sunday, my grandmother was supposed to meet a friend for lunch. Instead of meeting her friend, she thought she was coming home from work and decided to blow off her friend and somehow got lost. She was missing for almost 10 hours. Grandma's friend kept calling my grandmother's house phone. My aunt heard the phone ringing but was under strict instructions from my grandmother of not to touch her phone. It wasn't until the friend called my aunt and talked to her, she realized that she needed to call the police. It was hours later but the police were able to locate her and bring her home. My aunt sent a copy of the police report to my grandmother's doctor and my mother had a long talk with the doctor too. Grandma has an appointment with her doctor on the 11th and she can't really fool the doctor at this point. The next time she gets lost, she might not get so lucky. We know grandma shouldn't be driving, but we are hoping that the doctor will help out with giving up the car keys.
My strong recommendation is that you end the driving stealthily so that it doesn't freak her out and cause fighting. First, go online to her state's DMV website where there should be some instructions about reporting a dangerous driver. I did this in FL and it was anonymous. The state will send her a letter requiring her to come in to get tested (eye test, and maybe a behind the wheel, but it depends on the state). NO ONE should take her to this appointment. Let her license expire. Someone will need to physically remove her car from her premises on some pretense (therapeutic fib) that it has very expensive engine problems and is in "the shop". In the meantime, make sure someone is arranging rides for her to any appointments or commitments she has (you can ask family, friends, neighbors and faith organization she attends to take up the slack for a while until she gets used to not driving).
Anywhere on this forum where someone has suddenly "taken away the keys" it is almost always a disaster (and very humiliating and shocking to the elder). I do not recommend this at at. Yes it will require some effort and coordination but will be well worth it. Make sure her family, friends, neighbors, etc. know to never lend their cars to her for any reason. For my elder aunt who became a dangerous drive I purchased gift cards to gas stations and restaurants and had her volunteer drivers take her out for lunch or dinner while out on their excursion. She really enjoyed it and she looked forward to having the rides. You won't be able to keep this up for long, but it will hopefully create a less contentious transition.
Is someone her PoA? This would be helpful to know. FYI your grandmother "forbidding" your aunt to answer the landline in her home may be paranoia that is a symptom of dementia.
Whether taking away the car keys is done stealthily or not there is going to be a lot of backlash from the grandmother.
I've seen this many times with a senior's family when it's time to take the car away.
It's better most of the time to just do it fast. Like tearing off a band-aid. Just get it over with.
I can't imagine very many things equal to compromising someone's mobility, and arranging to have her license suspended. Use the Indiana Jones trick: find a replacement first.
You and other close relatives (I'm assuming from your post that your aunt is also close) can discuss it privately and work out who will take Grandma to different appointments. Even if you're not interested in staying with her, you or the driver can shop or find something safe to do. Sometimes I'd visit the local library. Even in a pandemic, there are still places that aren't really close to others once you're inside the library.
Then after Grandma has finished her trips, take her someplace special. If we weren't in a pandemic, I'd suggest a restaurant. But perhaps you could pre-order then just stop by to pick up the meal, take it home, and let Grandma tell you about her day.
We live in a county with a lot of lakes, so I would take Dad for a drive by the ones which had large numbers of swans, and we'd watch them for a while before getting our DairyQueen or going out to dinner (this was before the pandemic.)
You can also buy flowers and give them to her. If you (a) make her feel special and (b) pre-plan so she doesn't panic and feel as though she has no transportation for necessary or social occasions, she won't panic as much, or she might find that she enjoys having a chauffeur.
Needless to say, her phone should be answered when it rings. Like BurntCaregiver said, allowing a demented elder to call the shots anymore is totally illogical.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. I hate dementia with every ounce of my being; my mother is 95 this month with advanced dementia and falls on almost a daily basis now; that's how bad things have gotten. She simply does not remember she can't walk, so she tries to get up and falls. God help these elders and all of us who are walking this path with them.
Granted everyone is going to catch a lot of hell but everyone will just have to suck it up for a while. It's going to be tough going but not forever.
Your aunt also has to stop obeying her orders at once. Aunt is a grown woman and not under strict instructions from a demented senior not in their right mind to not touch the phone. That has to stop today. For your grandmother's safety and everyone else's as well.
Your grandmother may very well be able to pass a cognition test from her doctor. Some seniors are so good at showtiming that they are able to put it over on their doctor. Your grandmother's doctor has already been given a heads up ahead of time with the police report. He can't take away her license or even suspend it temporarily. The Department of Motor Vehicles has to do that and they will. The doctor will have to send them a copy of his results along with the police report.
In the meantime, no one lets her drive. She's going to make everyone's life a living hell, but the family has to do what must be done.
Good luck and you'll see everything will work out for the best.
My GFs father actually did lose his keys and licence and the pants they were in. Her Mom looked everywhere but couldn't find them. He suffered from ALZ. Her Mom told him he couldn't drive without his license. He agreed and let her drive. Yes, his stuff was found under the mattress on his bed. By that time he never questioned about driving.