My dad has had a long-standing mental illness, which has gotten worse with age. It's characterized by an obsessive need for attention, praise and pity. He's very good at manipulating people-- he's an extreme narcissist and also very good at hiding his mental illness from non-family members. When my mom became demented, my dad executed the successor part of my mom's medical power of attorney(POA) and asked me, the successor, to assume the role of her medical POA. This included interacting with caregiving staff and making sure that her care and medical needs were being met, mainly long distance via phone sinceI live 1200 miles away, so had to do the POA and be a liaison long distance. My dad refuses to help out, even though he lives in an independent facility near my mom. His and my interactions are mainly via phone. I've tried to be patient and understanding with him, never threatening him and always trying to be supportive of him, understanding, and encouraging. However, when legal authorities, who were investigating alleged abuse of my demented mother by her care manager, went to talk with my dad, he made the conversation all about himself in order to gain the authorities' pity. He made false statements about me, portraying me as a meddler into his finances and affairs and also portrayed me as an elder abuser of himself, none of which has any merit. Refusing to listen to my side of the story or to take the time to verify my elderly dad's statements or verify his mental status, an assistant attorney general threatened me with criminal prosecution for taking on the role of medical POA after my dad falsely claimed that I had coerced him into handing it over to me. Furthermore, she accused me of meddling into his affairs and strongly implied that I was mentally abusing him. As a result, I had to hire an attorney who strongly advised me to sever communications with my dad because, now that he's crossed the line by making these false claims, he'll continue to cross the line and tell his facility staff and/or others that I'm meddling and mentally abusing him. He had already done similar with someone else once before. My attorney warned me that if I say anything to my dad that even remotely smells like meddling or mental abuse, he could very well report it to facility staff who, by law would have to report it. Authorities would then once again believe him and not listen to me, and I would again be accused and threatened. So, I've pretty much detached from my dad, limiting communications with him to writing and keeping to very neutral topics, with no phone calls because there would be no witnesses to our phone conversations. He's now telling people that he has disowned me, and has taken steps to write me out of his will. Given his ability to manipulate, everyone believes him to be totally mentally with it and believes everything he says. Am I right to protect myself from him and his mental illness by detaching in this way and only limiting communications to writing? The assistant attorney general is very arrogant and cannot be reasoned with and refused to listen to my side,and strongly implied that I'm a liar when I tried to explain my side of the story. To her, I'm guilty before being proven innocent instead of vice versa. What are my other choices? After an initial phone call to my dad right after the threats and accusations were made to me, I told him about the threats and accusations and that they were a result of his statements. In subsequent notes, I've only mentioned it at a high level without directly accusing him for fear that he'll report me to his facility staff who will be required by law to report me. Legal authorities have no jurisdiction over me given that I live out of state. But, my attorney told me that they can make my life difficult, my legal costs to prove myself innocent could go sky high, and in the worst case, if I went to visit my dad and am in their jurisdiction, I could be arrested on the basis of his false claims. Given how disrespectfully my dad has treated me over the past 6 or more years and given his betrayal, I've decided to draw the line and set these boundaries with him. But, should those boundaries be to totally stay away from him given the situation? I'm conflicted because he's an old man with no other family but me (he has a good support system in his city to watch over him) and maybe I should be there for him. But at the same time, his total disrespect and betrayal and putting me in an untenable position with legal authorities is intolerable and unconscionable. If I reattach with him, I risk being pulled into his mental illness and manipulation and being retraumatized by a corrupt legal system in his state. Am I wrong to remain detached from him, continue to limit contact to only written communication where the topics are very neutral, and not even visit or phone him?
If your mom asks why you have detached from her, you also need to be very, very careful of how you state it to either her or to your brother (and maybe others ) so it's not construed as a threat, accusation, intimidation, etc, etc. . There were many times in the few months after my mom's death where I wanted to tell my dad exactly why I was limiting communications to writing. He already knew that his statements to authorities were the reasons for the AAG's threats and accusations. But, given the precarious situation my dad has placed me in with that state's legal system, I couldn't find (and even now still haven't found) a way to state it such that it wouldn't come off as an accusation and cause him to report that I'm intimidating and scaring him. When I received an email from one of his associates, soon after my mom's death, telling me that he was telling others that he didn't understand why I wasn't phoning him (this is BS because of how recently the situation had occurred, my having spelled it all out for him so recently, and his having remembered and bringing up the situation recently at my mom's funeral), I thought about asking this associate to tell him the reasons since she was already aware of what had happened and my dad's part in it. But, I didn't think it was appropriate to involve her. I also thought about suggesting that she have my dad contact me to directly ask me why I wasn't phoning him, instead of asking others. But, knowing him as well as I do, I figured it was fruitless given of the likelihood of his not following through on the suggestion because he wouldn't get any mileage/pity rewards from it--- i.e., pity from others because his daughter isn't phoning him.
Also, in my early notes to him, I could have been more specific as to the reasons without directly blaming him--- e.g., “because of the AAG's threats and accusations of coercion, meddling, mental abuse, I'm now in a precarious situation that any of yours and my phone conversations could be misconstrued. With there being no witnesses to our conversation the AAG could once again threaten me and possibly even follow through by incarcerating me next time I go to visit you. So, it's safer for me to limit communications with you to writing letters which I can save on my computer.” Just about everybody I mentioned this to strongly discouraged me from doing it and to just let sleeping dogs lie because there was even too much risk in making this type of statement since my dad would know that I was indirectly accusing him and would likely be even more driven to report me. So, I've kept things very high level, giving him only enough information that he'll know what situation is putting me in a precarious position-- I haven't mentioned anything about the AAG or detective in my letters to him. In your mom's case, another approach you can take if/when she asks you directly or through your brother is to say nothing at all. In some situations, silence is more powerful than words. I've figured that by not phoning my dad and keeping my letters to him high level-- mainly talking about the weather and letting him know that everyone here is doing well-- the only accusation he can make about me is that I'm not phoning him. Any AAG or other authority who would go after that should realize that they wouldn't have any legal leg to stand on with that they'd only make complete fools out of themselves.
Basically, what your mom is doing with her slander and lies, just as with my dad, is betraying you. For your own self-respect, dignity, and integrity, don't allow yourself to be treated with this type of respect. Even though she's your parent, it doesn't give her the go ahead to treat you disrespectfully and to treat you like an adult (none of which my dad does). It's best for you to set some boundaries with your mom. Otherwise, you'll be living with the emotional scars of her unconscionable behavior for years. I wish I had set boundaries with my dad way earlier. Maybe I wouldn't now be trying to heal the emotional scars/injuries he's inflicted on me and maybe I wouldn't be seeking help from a mental health professional.
Your comments about child abuse are interesting. I want to read them more carefully and may have some comments, but not sure. I think bookluvr addressed your questions well, and especially so because these comments came from someone who has been a victim of child abuse.
If you've never been abused as a child, maybe you can educate yourself more by reading true-life stories of the abuses an adult went thru as a child. I grew up thinking our family life was normal. I only recently learned how truly bad it was from therapy - the look of horror from my therapist - and her amazement that I came out normal (not drug, alcohol addicted or in prison, etc...) I still don't think it's that bad compared to other real life stories I've read. Like "The Boy Named IT." {{shudder}} He had it really really bad.
Another comment to throw out there - I was a mandated reporter a number of years ago when I worked as an administrative assistant for HeadStart. We all went through training and also discussed California's laws on this issue. When the question and answer period came up I posed the following: I have no personal knowledge that a child is being abused, but I am told by a relative that abuse is occurring. I do know that this person is a troublemaker and that it is quite possible that I'm being lied to. What am I legally required to do in this case? The people conducting the training were unable to tell me!! To this day, I have been unable to get this resolved (I'm retired now). Any thoughts on this issue?
I wish your husband, you, and the rest of your family best of luck as all of you continue to deal with your situation. Hopefully, it won't result in a situation similar to mine and will have only a positive outcome for all of you.
Until state legislatures and the US Federal Government recognize these inadequacies, what's really taking place, and make a sincere effort to spend the money to fix our broken system, nothing is going to change. And, more harm than good will continue to befall abuse victims at the hands of authorities allegedly tasked with protecting them.
But we do love our democratic accountability, don't we? And if only we had a more energetic and engaged demos it could even work...
I find your description of the system in the UK interesting. It seems as though there's been a more sincere effort to resolve the problems than there has been in the US. Here, it's just lip service done by a bunch of politicians who tell us what they think we want to hear about this hot button item in order to get elected. Then once in office, they renege on everything they promised about dealing with elder abuse related things. Not having this tied to politics certainly seems like it would help. Maybe the US could take a lesson from the UK. It would be nice to have overzealous AAGs and other investigators (police, detectives, etc.) sat on before they could do something stupid. It certainly also sounds like there's more oversight in the UK of the activities of these investigators than there is here in the US. In the US, it seems as if there really aren't very strict and consistent investigative procedural and conduct guidelines for those involved in abuse cases. And, any training that they get relative to the needs of the elderly and the negative effects of sudden traumatic changes, especially in demented elderly people, is very cursory at the most. So, what you have is a bunch of untrained people conducting these investigations and making some very critical decisions, but no supervisors overseeing their activity to make sure that the investigation has been done thoroughly and in an objective manner. Too often, those involved in an elder abuse investigation allow their sympathies to cloud their common sense and perceptions, allowing themselves to get blindsided, side tracked, and manipulatetd by people like my dad. From the stories I've heard from others, these investigators don't understand the needs of the elderly, don't know or understand how to conduct an objective investigation, and don't seek to get the entire picture by gathering all of the necessary information from all involved parties and verifying all of the statements people make before rendering a decision on how to proceed. Granted, there are elder abuse cases where these investigators have to act quickly and remove the victim from the situation as quickly as possible. However, because most abuse cases fall into a gray area where nobody actually personally witnessed the abuse and it isn't black and white as to whether the injury was an accident or actual abuse, the investigators usually have time to do a more thorough investigation. In fact, both the APS person I spoke with and my attorney said that because the majority of abuse cases fall into this gray area between accidental injury vs actual physical abuse, quite often charges are dropped because they can't be proven beyond a reasonable doubt in a court of law. My atty told me that the standard of “beyond a reasonable doubt” is a very high standard and almost impossible to prove unless you have a lot of witnesses with the same exact story or if you have a videotape of the actual abuse as it's in the process of happening. Too often, authorities' reactions are knee-jerk ones. Add to this that for a lot of these investigators, being assigned to deal with elder abuse cases is usually the first stepping stone in their careers. This often means that their goal is to move up the ladder into higher positions. So, they put their careers first, before the needs of the elder abuse victim, knowing that they can do their dirty deeds and then move up the ladder never giving a second thought to the devastation they leave behind for the victim and/or his/her family. The other thing which bothers me is that there really is no way for innocent family members who,like me, have been bullied and intimidated by an AAG and/or police detective to report these people without fear of retribution by the legal system in that state. I wanted to report this AAG and the detective to their respective agencies, but was persuaded not to by two attorneys. They said that I would have more trouble down the road with the legal system in that state than I'd want and that the resulting retribution would be a big hassle. In my opinion, this is very unfortunate because this sort of reporting and feedback from family members could go a long way in helping many of the states in the US to make improvements that would benefit elder abuse victims. I have a college friend who is an atty in the state my parents live in and he gave me the name of a newspaper reporter who has done a lot of investigative reporting on the dismal state of affairs for elder abuse victims in that state. He suggested that I contact her and tell my story. But, I'm afraid of the potential repercussions and retributions by the particular AAG and detective I dealt with. To me, this is a very sad state when a person's rights have been violated, her parent dies as a result of the neglect of duty and incompetence of the investigators, but she's so scared of the repercussions and of retribution that she won't risk blowing the whistle on these evil doers. From my perspective, that's a sign of a very broken and dysfunctional system.
Given that you've stated that your mom is delusional and making up stories about things you've done to her, I agree with you that it's time to step away and let someone else handle her care. At some point, her delusion is going to drive her to cross the line and either call the police and report that you've abused her or to say things of this nature to people who are in positions (drs, for ex.) that require them to file a report of abuse against you. And, because her drs, the lawyers, judges, etc. believe your mom to be mentally competent, they won't listen to you and will only listen to her side of the story. From my perspective, you're playing with matches and it's not going to take much for it to escalate into a huge forest fire. So, I suggest that you do what's necessary to protect yourself from your mom. If there isn't a trusted family member who can take over her care, maybe you can look into having your mom become a ward of the state and have the state assign her a person to take over her care. This doesn't mean that you can't continue to be a concerned daughter or stay in touch with your mom. But in any interactions you have with your mom, you need to be very, very careful of what you say to her or do in the way of providing her with help or offering her help because even the most innocent things could be misconstrued by her as you mentally abusing her or meddling. I would suggest that anytime you visit with her or talk with her on the phone, you don't go alone/have someone else on the phone with you, and have witnesses there who can attest to the fact that you didn't do anything bad to your mom. If you're not able to do this, record all phone conversations and conversations during visits with your mom. Also, don't worry that everyone thinks you're the evil daughter because you're not. Just ignore them and do what you feel is best to protect yourself, which right now sounds like stepping out of your mom's care is the route you'll need to take. You've done the best you can under the circumstances and are being the best daughter you can be. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. Unfortunately, I didn't follow this and was way too worried about what others thought about me as a daughter. In the end, I should have listened to my gut and not worried about what others thought of me. Right now, you have to do whatever is necessary to protect yourself legally, mentally, and maybe even physically. Until people have walked a mile in your shoes, they can't possibly understand what you're going through with your mom. So easy for them to be judgmental. But, if they were placed in your position, they'd soon realize where you're coming from. Best of luck with this. I hope it turns out well for you.
And for sure, there is something terribly wrong with the way the system works right now. I have no faith that the system will ever be corrected because nobody wants to put their money where their mouth is and fix the problems. Elder care and elder abuse are currently hot button items because of the increasing percentage of elderly people in our population. Politicians use this hot button item to get elected, leading people to believe that they'll fix the broken system. In the end, it's just lip service so they can get elected.
Whereas in the UK, where there is as yet no direct political involvement in the legal system (although there is now in the police, where we've just introduced elected commissioners - my what a startling lack of difference that's made! A bargain the public's had for its money) the family courts are so secluded that it sometimes can't even be reported that cases are happening. This is said to be in order to protect the identities of children, presumably also of vulnerable adults. You'd have to be very cynical, of course, to think it could be to protect poor innocent little officials just trying to get on with their job.
So: how does one make officials accountable for their actions, and to whom should they have to account?
We have two bodies overseeing care of the elders. CSCI - the Commission for Social Care Inspection - was responsible for standards in care homes and was so startlingly useless, toothless and feeble-minded that it was torn up and replaced with the CQC, the Care Quality Commission. These people - where do you suppose the CQC recruited its staff? - are in a double bind. They are responsible for ensuring quality in care. They are therefore eager to ensure that care homes meet the required standards. But they are also responsible for inspections, for identifying care homes that fail to meet the required standards. Their mission, since they have chosen to accept it, becomes ensuring that excellent standards continue on a steady upwards trajectory forever, that atrocious care homes are never allowed to exist but when they do they are immediately closed down - with no loss of amenity to current residents, obviously - and set up again as jolly good ones. Lessons Are Learned. Training Is Improved. This Must Never Happen Again (and again and again…) Very occasionally, an MP or similar public figure has a rude awakening: sadly for her, one such experienced the death of her husband in wretched circumstances that she described, pitifully, in Parliament. I was sorry for her pain, but it reminded me of how often I wish to seize officials and policy makers by the hair and drag them physically into the setting they talk such utter crap about day after day, for a good kicking.
Wards of court, and people who have registered Lasting Powers of Attorney, are protected by the Office of the Public Guardian. The OPG would be responsible for investigating cases such as rr4terps's alleged abuse of POA, and it would be interesting to see if we have any comparable instances going on of overzealous, officious officials managing to get hold of the wrong end of the stick. I'd be surprised, though: one of the advantages of having this kind of highly centralised system is that the people in it tend to be old hands so that bright-eyed enthusiasts like that AAG get sat on quite quickly and told not to get excited. On the other hand, getting them to DO SOMETHING!!! can be more of a problem...
Elected leaders have too much PR at stake and often too little knowledge of their subject.
Commissioned leaders are not subject to regular scrutiny by the general public.
Professional insiders are too keen to close ranks.
None of them takes kindly to being argued with.
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
Through this experience I've come to realize that while family loyalty is important, and caring for and about your parents is nice, the reality is that when your parents become old, they can't be trusted. You should expect to have to protect yourself from an elderly parent/elderly parents at some time in theirs and your lives. I was naive and didn't expect this would happen based on past experience with my parents. If your elderly parents are pulling crap on you, turn your back on them, sever ties, even if it means getting written out of their trust/will, and don't look back. No amount of their assets that they may leave you is worth your own integrity and placing yourself in legal, mental, and emotional jeopardy. The scars from that damage will outlast any assets your parents leave you--- any money they leave you will likely go toward the many years of psychological therapy that you'll require as a result of their nefarious behavior. And above all, don't let guilt about turning your back on your elderly parent or severing ties with them out of necessity drive you to get involved or to reattach with them. Just remember that you legally owe your parents nothing unless legally ordered and sometimes feelings of moral obligation need to be thrown to the wayside.
Yes, I am getting help for the emotional damage and trauma that my dad has caused me. I've learned a whole lot about family dynamics, in general, and my own family's dysfunctional dynamics which was/is driven by my dad's mental illness. I'm slowly realizing that I have nothing to be guilty for and that I've been the best daughter to both parents that I can and could be and that I've done the best that I could do for both of them. I'm slowly ridding myself of guilt, but it's not an easy road. I've come to accept that my dad is a very mentally sick person. And, I've come to realize that sometimes you just have to walk away. . I've been working hard to rid myself of the emotional damage my dad has caused and the associated thoughts, none of which has been easy to do. Unfortunately, because people continue to believe my dad and have fallen into his evil trap and don't realize that they, themselves, are being manipulated, there are things still happening from a legal standpoint, that continue to adversely affect me. I know I have to come to terms with all of this so that I can get to a point where I can reach inner peace within myself, and have been working hard to move on. I've been told that what I'm experiencing is a complicated bereavement, having been robbed of having closure with my mom before she died, and that this type of trauma and betrayal by a parent or someone you trusted takes time to work through. You don't just get over it in a day or two. I've come a really long well with the help I've gotten and continue to make progress. Hopefully, this has made me a stronger and smarter person.
And yes, you're right about my dad setting me up as the sacrificial lamb. He has always had to have a scapegoat, even in his younger years, and can never be seen as being the culprit or doing people wrong. His image is the most important thing to him and takes the highest priority, even higher and more important than his loyalty and commitment to his wife and daughter. He always has to portray himself as a wonderful person who is the victim of everyone else. My dad's sociopathic behavior is very typical of how narcissists behave--- he's just an extreme narcissist, which makes it even worse because of his highly developed skill at manipulation and people unwittingly getting trapped into his evil web and believing him. As my mom used to tell me: Everyone thinks my dad is so wonderful, but they don't know how horribly he treats his own family (extended and immediate). He always shirks his responsibilities and then when things go wrong with what should have been his responsibilities, he's so quick to turn around and point the blame. So, now I've become his scapegoat/sacrificial lamb and am paying the price. I haven't totally severed the relationship because I write him one letter per month keeping to neutral topics such as the weather. I do this mainly for my protection because I'm afraid that if I completely sever the relationship with him and don't maintain just a cursory communication with him, with his delusional behavior and severe mental illness, he'll conjure up some story that I'm mentally abusing him by not keeping in communication with him and abandoning him and my duties to him. My fear is that he'll either contact authorities about this or will convince someone that I'm doing this and manipulate them into believing his delusion and into contacting authorities. Then authorities will believe him once again, without listening to my side, and I'll again have no end of trouble and trauma from the idiot authorities, especially given that I'm already on their radar screen. This latter is the reason my atty told me to completely sever the relationship with my dad. My atty agreed with me that if the authorities start contacting me and hassling me about stuff, it's harassment. She told me that if this happens, I should contact her right away and she'll go after the authorities for harassment. So far, so good, and I'm hoping that those monthly letters to my dad will keep him at bay. But yes, most of my friends agree with you about severing all relations with my dad, and they think I'm nuts for even writing the one letter a month.
Yes, I've been keeping a log, especially because my dad had been crying poverty and asking for my financial assistance over a 4 - 6 year period. I agree with you about my dad wanting to destroy me. I think that part of what led him to betray me to authorities, which ties in with his impaired mental status, is that he's upset at me because I didn't unquestioningly take his side in his personality conflict with my mom's care manager and others. When people confront my dad, he immediately does things to alienate them, turns around and blames them, and then tries to portray himself as being their victim. Quite the opposite is true--- most people become my dad's victim. And, I'm sure that he gets his jollies out of watching people go down in flames and knowing that he did this to him. In his sick mind, this is payback for them not agreeing with him or confronting him. He can never admit wrongdoing and people, believing him to be an innocent, helpless old man, fall for him hook, line, and sinker. Too many times, I've taken his side only to find out that he was lying to me. People told me that I have to learn to listen to both sides, not just his just because he's my dad. And, they're right. So, when my dad has told me things, I've learned to go to the person/people he's accusing and get their side of the story. A few years before my mom's death, my dad told me that her care manager was alienating me from him. I told him that nobody is alienating me from him and that I won't take sides in his and the care manager's personality conflict, especially because I live 1200 miles away and am not there to personally witness what happened. I've held to this position the entire time. He has tried to get me to side with him, and I've told him that he's putting me in an awkward position because I don't know the entire story. I had told both him and my mom's care manager that I wouldn't take sides in their personality conflict and that my main focus is on my mom and making sure that her needs are met and that she's safe and well-cared for. I just wasn't willing to get involved in my dad's personality conflicts with others because he has conflicts with just about everyone who doesn't worship him and who sees through him. Now my dad has gotten it into his head that I'm not on his side. Once he gets something into his head he not only won't let it go, but deludes himself into believing it's true. This wasn't much of a problem for me and I just ignored it as him being him until his portrayal of me to authorities as a coercer, meddler, and elder abuser and the ensuing threats of criminal prosecution and accusations from the AAG forced me to detach from my dad. Now, he's gotten it in his head that he's disowned me for being friends with my mom's caregiver (totally untrue) and he's gone to his estate atty and has already changed the family trust and written me out of his part of it (fortunately, I've learned that he's not able to write me out of my mom's portion, much to his anger--- he tried to, but legally can't). What ticks me off is that he's named a beneficiary to get all of the tangible property that is community property of both of my parents. While my parents created and signed a tangible property list, which leaves all of their tangibles to me, several years ago, my concern is that he's claimed it all for himself and the beneficiary won't be willing to give me any of those items. Many of those items are ones that my mom expressed her wishes for me to have. Also, as sole survivor of my family, those items have a special place in my family history. But, I suspect that my dad has given his estate atty very strict instructions that I'm to get nothing no matter what. I have an authenticity certificate for one of the pieces of artwork and it's in my mom's name showing her as the purchaser. I've discussed this with my atty and she has told me that I/we would have to determine if there's a bill of sales attached to the family trust showing that the tangible property/tangible property list is part of the family trust. Unfortunately, my dad didn't give me any bill of sales when he gave me a copy of the family trust. He just gave me the tangible property list. However, my atty said that the estate atty who drew up that trust that contains the tangible property list may also have a bill of sales or some sort of schedule on file in his office. This estate atty is different from the one my dad went to to change the estate plan. My atty said that my dad just can't go claiming community property as his sole property unless he has created a tangible property list doing so. She said that the family trust takes precedence over any pour over wills/trusts because a pour over will pours unclaimed assets from the family trust into it. My atty said that at the very least, these tangible assets would have to be split in half between the beneficiary of my dad's individual trust and the family trust, of which I'm the trustee. So, when the time comes, my atty said she'll help me with this.
If your dad is an extreme narcissist like mine, you're in a no-win situation because narcissists are extremely manipulative and very good at sounding believable and pulling the wool over most peoples' eyes. Basically, narcissists are sociopaths. Because of his extreme narcissism and sociopathic tendencies, I consider my dad to be an extremely dangerous person who will stop at nothing, even betraying his own daughter, to portray himself as an honest, upright person who never does wrong, is always right, and is always the victim. My dad is very adept at the pity party stuff, and people fall right into his trap and believe him unquestioningly. So, if your dad falls into this category, you may have no other choice but to detach from him. If you reattach with him at another time, go in wearing a full suit of armor so you can deflect anything he throws at you. Don't let yourself fall into his trap or be manipulated by him. You need to go into any interactions with your eyes wide open and realize that everything he says is likely either delusional or a lie--- don't believe a word he says. And, if you do reattach with him, keep your attachment at a pretty long arm's length-- don't let yourself get caught in his trap or use you as a scapegoat. Elderly pathological people have no scruples and don't give a crap about or understand the negative impacts of their behavior on others. They just either are lashing out and wanting to get back at others because they're angry at their lives or at getting old. So, they use their family members as scapegoats. Keeping your dad at arm's length still won't necessarily protect you from his delusions/lies/pathological behavior, but it's better than being too involved and suffering the results of his delusional and pathological behavior. And just remember that legal authorities are corrupt, only out for their own self-serving purposes and careers, are untrustworthy and are a bunch of liars who will find every way to screw you because they believe the elderly are gods and never do wrong. These authorities WON'T do right by you. If you have to talk to authorities, make sure that you retain an atty BEFORE talking with them or granting any interviews during an investigation or other things. And, make sure that your atty is present at these interviews. I wish I had been smart enough to do this when I was interviewed by the elder abuse detective. It may have saved a lot of hassles and heartache once the idiot AAG got involved. I've also come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as a “nice little old lady” or “nice little old man”. This is a total myth.
I hope I never do to my adult kids what my dad did to me. I've already told them that if I do anything of the same sort that their grandfather did to me (and, as adults, they understand exactly what he did and are totally appalled and now want nothing more to do with him), currently being of sound mind, I give them my permission to take me out to the back 40 and put a bullet or two in my brain. I wanted to write this into my advanced directive and/or will, indicating that I'm of sound mind at the time of making this statement, but my husband's and my estate atty wouldn't allow it--- darn it. I just don't want to put my kids to go through that with me when I'm old.