I am 35, I have a husband, a 7 year old and a 15 year old. I recently quit my job as a dental assistant to take care of my husband's grandparents, who raised him during a bad time in his life. They moved in with us because grandma has dementia. We knew she was slipping but grandpa never understood how much so we didn't either. It's been about 6 months and it is really testing our family. Of course she's getting worse all the time. Grandpa is still in denial about her condition and the extent of it. Today we found that she had defecated on the bedroom floor and later found that she had urinated on the same floor. That was a new low. My husband has no patience with her and is ready for her to go. Problem is grandpa doesn't need to go but wont be without her. They have been together for 67 years, they go together. They are farmers so things at a "home" would be devastating to him. Moving in with us was bad enough for him. We just got a helper one day a week for which grandpa resents. My patience are wearing thin. They have a family farm and another farm they collect rent from for income. Do they have assets that we don't want a nursing home to get. That's not what grandpa worked his whole life for or grandma either. She's up and wanders ask the time. I need advise. I don't know what to do to keep my sanity and keep her safe. I can't use child proof oven things on my oven. I'm going to have to take the handles off of the oven so she stops trying to warm up coffee. She was prescribed a low dose of xanax to help her relax but it doesn't work. Please help. Need advise on lots of issues.
PLEASE, get rid of the Irrational Thinking that says "I've worked my hole damn life. ....its not gonna be wasted in nursing home." That is like saying "my baby needs shoes but I'm not gonna pay for it cause I wanna have my cake and eat it too."
To the OP: If they have assets, the money should be used for their care. If they won't accept care in your home, or if that doesn't work for you, they need to move to a facility. If your husband is ready for them to go, I think you need to let him lead the way in persuading his grandpa that his grandma needs a higher level of care than can be provided in your home.
i was a lousy soldier , a decent husband , a dedicated father , a d*mn good stone mason , but dementia caregiver is the thing im most proud of . it requires mind bending logic and problem solving skills and incredibly few people are capable of doing it well .
my advice ; consider doing it for yourself and as an example to your kids , hold your head high and do it well ..
It's time for your husband to have a man to man talk with his Grandfather about moving into a care facility. You and your husband have to put your family first. Your first obligation is to them!
Good luck to you. I know it won't be easy, but you have so much to loose if you don't resolve this now.
When you still have young children at home, you want them to remember Grandma as the fun loving lady... not a Grandma who is peeing on the floor. As you already realize, her condition will steadily get worse and worse.
Who is running the family farm? Other grown children or relatives? I realize your in-laws don't want to move into an assisted living/nursing home but sometimes they no longer have a vote because of safety concerns. It's going to be a battle, so be ready.
It is a shame that we have these diseases that take our memories before our bodies. I am kinda in the same boat with my dad. He's alone (with the exception of 2 renter on his property) and has dementia. I drive the 90 minutes every weekend to help dad but really it isn't enough. He doesn't want to hire help and so on it goes. I am waiting for "something" to happen that will change things. I wish you well in your tough decisions.
Not only using up your health but also your finances since you quit your job. I found this not long ago which was an eye opener to me. Here are some things to think about if one is trying to decide whether to quit work to care for an aging parent.... on average if a working person quits work he/she will lose, over the years, between $285,000 and $325,000 which includes not only loss of salary, it also includes the net worth loss of the health insurance; loss of money being put into social security/ Medicare; loss of other benefits such as matching 401(k); profit sharing; etc. [source: in part from Reuters 5/30/12]
Lot to think about.
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