To call CPS or let well enough alone?
I'm putting this in Burnout, b/c it will be seen by more people--and it does relate to CG--
I have a 'friend' (we USED to be friends, but she was just too screwed up to deal with and I had to 'break up' with her--nevertheless I still care about her).
She is 70. She has 'temporary custody' of 3 grandchildren ages 12, 11 boys and a 7 yo girl. One son, father of the kids. Mother is in and out of jail in another state.
This 'family' lived in her basement apartment for some years and the father got his CDL and left to work in the oilfields. Mother spent her days doing online porn and meth. One day, she simply split. Took the kids and disappeared. "L" was concerned but not frantic until she got a call 6 months later that the kids had been abandoned in a trailer miles from nowhere and the parents were nowhere to be found. CPS in this state moved them into foster care--where they thrived and were very happy.
Gma decides she is going to bring the kids back here and raise them on her own. At that time her husband was living and was willing to do so.
Brings the kids back here with the 'temporary' custody tag on them. State can't find the parents.
Long story short, her hubby is killed in a one car rollover and she is left with no income except her small pension from her Navy years. Parents are MIA. Basically, she is broke.
A couple of years ago, she finally tracks down her son, and asks him what to do with the kids. He says he will come home and work and they'll be a 'family'. Of course, he never shows up and she cannot contact him, he never sent her a dime.
She decided that she had to sell her home and get the kids in foster care, as they were proving too hard for her to handle. BUT, she never does anything. She still planned to sell her home, and so neighbors and friends rallied (and I admit, I was the ringleader in doing all this as she could not make decisions). We had the entire house packed into 2 HUGE moving pods and the garage was completely filled waiting for the 3rd pod--and her son surfaces again and demands she stay in the house. So she does. He disappears again and she moves the kids and her into the 1000 sf basement and they rent out the upstairs.
Not going to get into how much money I spent helping her--that's water under the bridge--but I told her, when she moved back into the house I could NOT help her anymore. She was making terrible choices and the kids were becoming worse and worse behaved.
She has been working FT as a teacher's aide since Jan 1. Been sick the entire time and worn out. She gets calls daily from the principals of both schools about the kids' horrible behavior. (And they truly are the worst kids I've ever seen-and that's saying a lot).
Took her dinner the other night as she had a drs appt. I went into the apartment and was immediately assaulted by the dog (some idiot gave them a labradoodle(?) anyway, it's ENORMOUS and untrained, so poops and pees wherever. There are dirty clothes and food boxes all over. There was nowhere for me to set a casserole dish. Literally, not one clean surface. The cat litter box is in the kitchen and it is overflowing with cat poop and is spread all over the place as the dog runs through it, I guess. It was so utterly filthy and disgusting. Dishes overflowing the sink, dishes on the floor---truly one of the worst homes I have ever seen.
OK, this is NOT the first time I've walked in her place and found it in this same state. But something just hit me in the gut. She's 70. Her health is tanking. People have helped her to the point that we are ALL burned out and she is not grateful.
My question and after writing all this, (seems that I have already answered it)--do I anonymously call CPS and turn her in?
Am I a horrible person for feeling this is well beyond her scope? I'm not getting involved again--but something has to be done.
If you read this entire post, I thank you. I don't want to see her have MORE drama.
It may be that she's so overwhelmed that it's difficult if not impossible to make decisions. So I would help her and call in reinforcements before the situation deteriorates any more. Sometimes people just need a little bit of guidance or outside help to redirect the path they're on.
The parents clearly are out of the picture, so they're not a consideration. And at 70 (which really isn't old but is too old to be bringing up 3 kids), that's got to be a real challenge for her. The condition of the house suggests as well, and that the path is a downward one for her as well as the children and animals.
And kudos to you for sticking with her for so long and for having the compassion and strength to help her while you yourself were dealing with your own health challenges.
In addition, the health of everyone will be affected if changes aren't made.
If I were you I'd engage a social worker one on one and let them know about the situation. Tell him or her what you've shared here. Intervening is the only chance any of them will have at having a shot at life. Bless you, bless your friend, bless the animals, bless the children. I pray for a miracle on behalf of this situation.
Boundaries up, and back away.
1) to protect yourself;
2) to get the children the help they need
(by backing away, you stop supporting a sinking ship with a bucket to bail water, and let the Coast Guard do their job.)
3) You can report her as a vulnerable adult to APS.
4) If you want this situation to be explored by the appropriate authorities, you could start by calling Animal Control and report neglect of an animal? This is a low-key way to have eyes on the scene, mandated reporters.
5) There are family" - "grandparents" on the mother's side of the family? CPS could reach out.
You have done a great kindness so far for your "friend", it is people like you who make the world a better place.
Yes and make that call immediately after reading this!
I don’t blame you for cutting ties. Many of us have had to cut ties with certain people in certain situations. I have tried to help a friend who fell down cement stairs and injured their back.
She asked me to go back and forth to an attorney to get disability. I went for moral support. It took her several attempts before succeeding.
I hung in there with her. She got hooked on opioids and Xanax. When she crashed her car through her hair salon window, I decided that she is going to have to completely hit rock bottom before asking for help, if she doesn’t die first.
I don’t think people can be helped if they aren’t ready to receive help. It’s incredibly sad. Best wishes to all of them, especially the children.
Help the children out. Call CPS for them but the adults have to want to change or be forced by law enforcement to change.
She asked me so salient questions--for example, there are 4 if them in a one bedroom apartment. One of the boys sleeps in the laundry room--which has a gas dryer, this alone will set off alarms in a 'normal' family situation.
I have cuts ties with her--when I texted her the other day to say I was dropping off dinner, I saw that my last communication with her was over 14 months old. I am not starting up the 'friendship/ AKA/ using me' again. I simply think of these kids and how much worse their behavior has become.
For the sake of the kids, I am going to call CPS AND APS. She is being abused by the system too--although it's an abuse she chose.
Many of you do remember when I posted a little about this previously. Sadly, she is much worse off than before. All the stuff in the garage has now been infested with rodents. She has a cat, but it never goes in the garage so she denies she has a problem.
Hopefully they will do this anonymously---and the school records and ANY neighbor will back me up 100%, if questioned.
Thanks for the calm, measured replies.
We'll see where this goes.
Please do they a favour and make the call.
Just found out the parents are back together (despite the multiple filings and then rescinding of divorce) and they were both stoned on meth and 'somehow' he got shot in the stomach. She is in custody, even though he said it was an 'accident'. He lived, but now has a colostomy! That may be temporary, but still.
The mother is on parole and not supposed to be anywhere near firearms. The father is a HUGE gun nut--I know b/c when we emptied the house I wouldn't even touch the guns and tons of ammo that he had stashed at his mother's. He had a couple of guns under the bed, which I am too naïve to know if they were loaded or not, but gma said the kids were 'well trained' not to touch guns. Ha. What 12 yo boy wouldn't be fascinated by a gun?? I FORCED her to lock them up, but there can be many other firearms in that hoard that no one knows about. She didn't know about the guns under his bed!
So the time if definitely right to strike with a dual call to APS and CPS. The courts will not even take into consideration the parent's rights now.
Just a ?? b/c I am not well versed in all things 'illegal drugs'. The mother smoked meth in the basement, the apartment that this family lives in. She smoked a LOT. Since moving downstairs, all the family's health has really tanked. LOTS of colds ad URIs, all 4 of them have had pneumonia. The little girl is covered in eczema. Can the meth have gotten into the walls and made this a 'sick' environment? I have no actual proof that the mother did meth down there, only the gma's word for it. I'm sure it could be tested and that would settle that---but wow, this is rapidly becoming a real soap opera.
The wheels of justice grind so slowly--but they do grind. I am hoping the kids are taken out of the house immediately.
https://methinyourhouse.com/?page_id=98
It seems like there are lots of anecdotal reports of health effects but I didn't see much in the way of scientific studies.
Good for you. Those kids need stability. And therapy. Your friend needs help too. Ask that resources be made available to her too.
Make your report, then stay far away from anybody involved in this mess. It is likely 'your friend' will not do anything for herself because she is also involved or knowingly permitted illegal drugs.
Do not go into the home, please stay away.
A brief search online will give you all the needed information regarding the dangers of a house contaminated with meth and other drugs. The poor children. Add the meth exposure to your report please.
You will be putting your own self in danger after making the report.
Keep silent, go into your home and close the door.
IMO.
BTW, we know a case is already open with CPS for the kids because gma has temporary custody? Find their social worker?
I am positive the gma is in no way involved in drugs, but has a VERY laissez faire attitude about exposure to them. She showed me all the drug paraphernalia in the apt. and also a roll top desk the mother had drilled a hole into so she could 'hot box' (pardon my terminology, I am not familiar with what drug users DO)...the little girl was a 'surprise' baby and is very definitely affected by the mother's drug use while she was pregnant.
I know there must be a SW worker, as one was assigned by the middle school, but that would be confidential. I am simply calling CPS, making the report and letting the chips fall where they may.
I have not spoken to this women (except for the text last week) for over a year. This report could be coming from ANYONE in the neighborhood or the schools.
Just--guilt. Personally, I know quite a few foster parents and they are all wonderful people doing a pretty thankless job. These kids would be better off with any of the FP I know than with the gma who has not one ounce of 'mothering' in her. Not her fault, we're not all cut out to be maternal.
I will keep you posted. I feel very alone in this--haven't and won't tell my hubby--he'd go ballistic.
Fingers crossed!
It’s not the easy thing to do, but I absolutely believe it’s the right thing to do. Hoping for good outcomes for everyone, including the pets, and that you will have peace with your decision. Will look forward to the updates.
That was one of the hardest things I've ever done!
Just got off the phone with DCPS...the caseworker was wonderful and took copious amounts of info. Asked things I wouldn't have thought to mention.
ENOUGH so there will be a 'surprise' pop in visit this week (no warning, as the people can clean up and 'fake' a 'norm' that doesn't exist.) The kids' schools will be contacted for further info (since a day doesn't go by that the principal of one or both schools isn't calling, that will be a no-brainer) AND a one on one visit with each of the kids, away from home. (I guess at school).
The gma is in violation of so many things---DCPS is very concerned with getting families to 'work' but in this case--I doubt there's a hope in the world that they can reach anything near 'normal'. The one thing that was troubling to the CW was that the kids are alone in the house from 2-4 hrs per day. AND a DOG is kept in this environment--animals have as many or more rights than people, I guess. He will almost assuredly be removed and this will be a huge burden lifted.
I will remain anonymous....so I hope. The gma could point to dozens of people as reporters--and likely the schools have already done so, as mandated reporters.
I HOPE they can remove the kids and find a better place for them. I don't want the gma to not see them, everyone concerned just wants her to be the GRANDMA and not the primary caregiver.
I can call back in a few days and see how the case is going, but I have a feeling that the neighbors will let me know.
It's sad, really, we're mostly all of the same faith and so reporting another 'church member' for neglect and abuse is really against my grain--but I cannot do anything else to help.
And the parents? Mom went back to jail and dad is still in the hospital but will be going to jail as soon as he's healed enough. Ex-cons can't have guns, evidently, so it doesn't MATTER if she shot him or he shot himself.
I can't BELIEVE I even KNOW people who act like this.
I also neglected to turn in a relative many years ago---and all of his kids are so screwed up. I cannot forgive myself to this day for not reporting the abuse they suffered.
Seeing these kids and this house brings back the memories of seeing my OB's family living in an unheated garage. During a Utah winter. And I said nothing.
Wish I had just swooped up his family and brought them home. Things did not end well at all.
She got SO ANGRY about that call, and didn't know it was me. No way I am telling a SOUL what I did.
Thinking on this all weekend and all day, I know it had to be done. They said they would try to 'keep the family together' and I told the CW the gma DOES NOT want the kids. Period. She was trying to have them 'adopted' by any number of couples in our neighborhood.
I'm hoping that when they go in to do the 'surprise' inspection, she isn't even there and it looks as bad as it did last Tues. I can't imagine it would look better--this is status quo for her. Then some action would be taken. I would have taken pictures but the kids would have said something to her--so I cleared a spot for dinner and left.
I think, minimally the dog will be removed, They are so cramped in there and the dog is HUGE--stands taller than me when he stands up and weighs about 125 lbs. He is aggressive, so that's something I had to warn them about. Also the fact they put the dog in a kennel that is so small he cannot turn around in it--and he's there for about 7 hours day. Inhumane.
She's one of those people (if any of you remember me talking about the utter frustration of trying to get her to make decisions!) who waits and waits and then something awful happens and she RE-ACTS. Like, the water gets turned off and she freaks out, like she didn't KNOW if you don't pay your water bill they won't turn it off. She never makes the 'first move'.
Well--thank you for letting me rant. There's absolutely no one I can tell about this. There is no such thing as a 'secret' esp in a fairly small neighborhood.
Fingers crossed that the kids can be removed, she can get legal custody so they can be adopted or at least fostered. Then she can sell that white elephant of a house (which is always in some sort of pre-foreclosure) and sell it and start fresh.
I did the ONLY thing that I am capable of doing at this point.
IF CPS doesn't move on this, then I will be going up the chain of command, as it were--but these things take time.
I got far too involved about 2 years ago and ended up so sick, physically and mentally from being in that house day after day, trying to pack and clean with 3 terribly behaved children there all day. At one point I just...broke. And told the woman I was done. And I never went back. The entire neighborhood was supporting this woman with meals, money, child care respite and she used us all up. She WANTS to go see her son in the hospital, but absolutely no one will take the kids. Not one person.
CPS does have the ability (and responsibility!)in our state to remove the kids from the home. Just pack up their stuff and take them. Esp since gma does not have 'legal' custody, simply a paper from her son saying he was fine with her taking the kids across state lines. I never really asked her the details of how she wound up with the kids and why she did not leave them in foster care in the state of their parents' residency. She regrets THAT to this day.
Gma was NOT using and does NOT do drugs. She is simply overwhelmed and a very poor planner. She's 70--who wants to raise very troubled kids at the age of 70? And if you remember, when she first went and retrieved the kids her husband was living and it seemed doable. It's not her fault he was killed in a car accident. That was the turning point. She did not have time to grieve him AND care for the kids.
I think I am doing all I can short of kidnapping the kids and hiding them and that's patently ridiculous. I have to do this all legally, or it will blow up in our faces.
I just have to hope and trust that CPS follows through. The CW said that the initial interviews and very possibly the pop in visit will happen within 3 days--so by Thursday they should have spoken to the kids and assessed the home environment. I am praying they simply take the kids away.
All I can do is follow up with Animal Control if they don't remove the dog and then APS, since she IS an aging person in danger. I KNOW the oldest boy did 'lay hands on' gma a couple of times, one in my presence, so I can testify to that (and did tell CPS that).
Don't be harsh with me, please.....I am doing the best I can.
Animals abuse is considered to be a pretty serious deal...I've seen animals removed from homes when it's the KIDS who should be taken. Go figure.
If the dog is not removed in this initial swoop I will call animal control.