Over the past three months I have had to call 911 because of a violent outburst resulting in a fall-though not seriously injured, husband was taken by ambulance to the hospital -lots of tests-nothing new-no UTI. Then a few weeks later I was hit harder, called the police. They came, were very respectful and kind, son drove husband to hospital-more tests-no UTI again. The costs of these trips are resulting in enormous insurance co-pays. Bank account overdrawn from mid month on trying to pay bills. His decline is horrific to watch and to deal with every day. His obsessions often result in such anger and threats to me, they are potentially harmful to me, to our two pets and to himself. He demands cigarettes now all day-another thing I cannot afford to provide, drinks coffee all day, fiddles and fidgets with personal items, filling his pockets with everything from his hairbrush, to electric shaver, cigs, misc keys he has found, toothbrush and more. He hides things all over the house then demands that I find whatever he has lost or get something that was "stolen" from him. He thinks I live somewhere else and why so I sleep here? I am a b----, and other ugly names and I should emphatically get out. He expects son to take him back home nights and mornings, thinks he owns multiple house in our community which he wants to sell-has actually called an agent here to find out what the houses are worth. I could go on and on and on, but I know that many of you are having these same experiences. I live in fear, though I reach out to resources, but how do I try to talk with someone when he follows me everywhere now. I am so tired, heartbroken and heart worn, respite grant will be over next month.
Have you asked about an involuntary psychiatric hold?
You must NOT have him in your home.
Have your son take him to ER for being physically violent with you and altered mental status.
Ask for a hospital social worker to get APS (Adult Protective Services) involved.
Let them run tests but demand that he is seen by a geriatric psychiatrist or neurologist. He needs a mental evaluation.
IT WAS WRONG OF THE HOSPITAL TO DISCHARGE HIM HOME TO YOU KNOWING HE HAS PHYSICALLY HURT YOU!
Tell the social worker you are scared for your life and WILL NOT let him back in your home. Have your son state that his father has been abusive with you both. Tell them he needs to be placed and that YOU WILL NOT TAKE HIM HOME NOR ALLOW HIM BACK IN AND WILL GET THE POLICE INVOLVED AGAIN AT THE HOSPITAL.
They will be forced to have him evaluated and placed in a facility.
Tell your son to say that he has small children in his home and he would fear for their safety so he can't take his father to his house either.
You must be firm with the hospital. They will try to get you to let him go home. Tell them you've filed police reports of your abuse and are fearful that he'll kill you. They will HAVE to act.
Please do this today and let us know how it went. I'm so sorry for your situation. I'll pray for all of you.
Everything is not okay; and won't be until your husband receives the care he needs not to be a danger to you, to himself, and to others. When you're talking to officials, stay in the moment when your husband was attacking you - that's the situation that needs addressing.
His Doctor needs to know about the violent outbursts so he can be properly medicated for his safety as well as everyone else's
Dementia damages portions of the brain, it can be different in each person. It may also depend greatly on the type/cause of dementia. With certain types of dementia violence is common. And with some types of dementia medication can be a difficult thing to adjust. The correct type of dementia must be diagnosed.
When my Husband was diagnosed I said I would keep him at home as long as it was safe for me to do so. That was safe for him and for me. If he had become violent I would not have been able to handle him so as much as I loved him, as much as I wanted him home it would not have been possible. After all who would care for him if he were to hurt me so that I had to be hospitalized or if he killed me? He would have had to be placed in a Memory Care facility at that point anyway. So better my choice and I would have been able to visit. Luckily I never had to make that choice.
so while we all want to keep our loved ones at home sometimes for their safety or ours the decision is removed from hour hands.
God Bless you and your family, and healing for your husband.
Now to address your financial strain-I do not know if 1934 is your birth year. If it is, have you applied for Medicare Supplemental? That is really none of my business. You may be able to get "on the cheap" legal advice through a legal clinic.
Your life appears to be in danger. Calling the EMTs and telling the hospital that he needs a psychiatric evaluation and that you can't care for or him? Has that not triggered an in patient eval?
Guessing you are in California. Why don't you go to coveredca dot com? On that home page on the right hand side, is a tab for "Medi-cal Information" If you click on that it will take you to a page with more info and a link to apply for benefits online! It's a place to begin, and might mean you are not paying for all these ER visits and tests.
Don't get me wrong - I agree with others on this forum that you must get him out of your house asap! But this will allow you to take him to doctors for evaluation and medication without fearing the bills, and perhaps get on that waiting list for placement for your husband. Meanwhile, they may adjust his meds enough to eliminate the violence, I don't know. Worth a try. You are obviously experiencing severe financial strain from this situation, and if that could be eased, perhaps you could deal with the rest of the issues with a lighter heart.
If you find a way to remove him from your home sooner, do so. If he has another episode and hurts you, take him to the hospital and do not pick him up again! You have a right to live safely. I know it's easier for the hospital to send him home with you - whether they must guilt you into it, or imply you're legally obligated, but I suggest you stand firm & do not bring him home with you. Try not to think of it as abandoning him - think of it as caring for both of you. You will finally be safe without him in the home, and he will finally get the care he needs. It's a win-win. Especially if he has the Medi-cal or other benefits - it'll be easier for the hospital to place him in a facility. It's a place to start.
Good luck and you'll be in my prayers.
Do NOT feel bad for your thoughts! You have been ABUSED. You need to take care of yourself and not focus on him. You are NOT meant to witness his life and be grateful, nor be his whipping post. It is your responsibility to see that he's evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist or neurologist at the hospital, then placed at a facility that can care for him with his violent outbursts.
At 83, he should have Medicare. If so, are you paying the 20% that Medicare doesn't cover? You possibly would qualify for Medicaid/Medi-Cal, since your income is low.
If you take your husband to the hospital and have him evaluated, a social worker will apply for Medicaid or Medi-Cal for your husband and find immediate emergency placement after he has a psychiatric evaluation. Tell them that he has hit you and you fear for your life.
Do NOT stay with him. Please act soon. You don't have to have money to get him into a facility. It will all be arranged by the hospital.
You can get the hospital to set up a payment plan for what you already owe. It may be excused by the new insurance. Please check out the resources mentioned or ask the social worker to assist you in applying for insurance assistance. Do NOT feel guilt for trying to help him and yourself.
A social worker might have suggestions for how to do the medicaid application, but not always - they may not have the resources, they might just send you for counseling (not all SWs are alike!) APS might also be of assistance, however in other posts I have read they can be less than useful. It cannot hurt to try either option - one of them may be able to point you to a low cost Elder Care attorney (you do not want just a run of the mill attorney.)
Meanwhile, what can be done to protect you? Is it possible for your son to stay with him until another arrangement can be made? Can his PCP recommend psych eval/ward for assessment? Do his outbursts mainly happen later in the day, say late afternoon into the evening or are they all day (this can be sundowning.) Has anyone, PCP or ER recommended medication (I'm not a big fan of meds, BUT your safety comes first!)?
All those little odd things he does clearly is part of the dementia (rummaging, stashing, hiding, accusations of stealing, etc), but the outbursts are more than likely part of this as well, and needs to be addressed ASAP. Some people with earlier stages of dementia are very good at hiding this - show-timers allows them to appear much more normal than usual, for short periods. A visit to the ER is likely one of those times - he is not observed long enough for this behavior to come out and is likely on his "best" behavior in front of others. Also, ER docs have to be more of a GP, try to rule out normal medical issues. A specialist is needed in this case, to test, monitor and plan some kind of treatment (no, dementia cannot be treated, but some of the symptoms can be addressed, like the violent outbursts.)
Again, first things first is you need to be in a safe place. If that is not possible, at the least be aware of when these flare ups are imminent and leave the room or go outside, whatever you can to distance yourself! You will be of no use to him or anyone if he injures or kills you!