That’s what I felt and that’s what I said. While trying to move a box, I fell backwards and was not hurt, more startled than anything. My husband with Alz, got mad and jutting out his hand and said “get up” with such venom, I said no, just get away from me. Of course, then he turns and says I am so mean to him and walks off having a tantrum, leaving me on the floor!
He is still in the early stages…I have so much worse yet to come. I am the one who fell, and my husband acted as if I did something wrong, then has the audacity to claim I hurt his feelings, and he leaves me on the floor.
How can I keep my temper in check? On the plus side, he won’t remember I told him I hated him, of course, I don’t hate him, I just hate Alzheimer’s. It’s just he and I, so no other family to help out. I just get so tired of doing EVERYTHING, only to be either ignored or treated badly.
He is very self sufficient still…it’s just his hateful attitude. After falling today, I wonder what would happen if I had a real medical emergency? Would he just look at me with disdain while I’m turning blue? It’s just scary and I don’t have any answers or any control.
Please either bring in some outside help and start looking into care facility placement for him. Many memory care facilities have different levels of care depending on a resident's level of independence. Some people are still sufficient and some aren't. There are memory care facilities who do not group everyone in together.
Your husband will only get worse and what will happen is you will become a slave to his care needs. You will also have to tolerate the hateful abusive behavior in silence like slaves did or be hurt.
What happens when your still very self-sufficient and mobile husband is having a bad dementia day and beats the crap out of you or worse?
I worked for an elderly married couple and the wife had Alzheimer's. She was still mobile and and self-sufficient. She dressed herself, fed herself, wasn't incontinent yet, and could hold a conversation all right. She'd get fixated on finding something that maybe she had 50 years ago or not at all, and when it wasn't found she'd get verbally abusive and violent. Her and I got along well. We really liked each other. One day I was helping her do some Holiday decorating. She couldn't find some decoration (she'd given it to her DIL like 20 years before her husband said) so she turned on me. Ordering me out of her house, and I stole it, and she's calling the police, etc... I couldn't just leave because there was no one home. She came after me armed with a pan.
At this time I was 29 years old, very strong and very fit. I grabbed her wrists in a vice grip and forced her to the floor. I called her husband (who was at his brother's house) and I kept her restrained on the floor until he got back. Her husband who had many bruises and cuts ranging from fresh to healing to healed, explained that she 'gets fiesty' sometimes. Her verbal abuse towards him was deplorable. He wouldn't place her though. Even when their adult kids begged him to. If it was today, she would have kicked my a$$. Her husband was a small and feeble old man that she was physically abusing.
One day she got all worked up over something and screaming abuse and obscenity at her husband wasn't enough. She took a knife out of the kitchen and stabbed him in the neck with it. He recovered but it took two surgeries, a week in the hospital and almost a month in rehab. While he was away the kids placed their mother. They had no choice and their father was actually happy about it.
Think about this. When the next Alzheimer's outburst your husband has is not satisfied with cruel verbal abuse, what will you do?
Are you strong enough to protect yourself and physically restrain him, not IF but WHEN you will have to at some point?
If you're answering 'no' to these two questions, then living alone with him is no longer safe. There will have to be 24-hour help living with you or your husband will have to be put in a care facility. Your safety is more important than what he wants.
But in terms of you losing control and keeping your temper in check, I get it. It’s amazing what stress can do to a person. I lost my mind tonight, and the guilt was overwhelming. I crossed a line and was mean. No doubt about it.
I pulled out my Daily Journal. I had stopped a while ago because I was doing well. You may want to try it. I start out my day with it, and then you do the second half in the evening. It helps you reorganize your thoughts and gives you perspective.
Daily Journal
Answer these questions in the morning:
Three things that I am grateful for...
How do I want to feel today?
What will I do today to feel the way that I want to feel?
Today’s affirmation, I am...
Other things on my mind...
Answer these questions in the evening:
Three great things that happened today...
What could I have done to make today even better?
Were there certain situations or people that triggered negative feelings and thoughts? What can I learn from this situation? Are there alternative and more positive ways of thinking, feeling and behaving?
Other things on my mind...
Now, imagine that’s your husband. His brain has been “taken over” by Alzheimer’s. So Alzheimer’s is in your home, just doing it’s thing, it just looks like your husband.
When you get so frustrated you want to scream, remember that guy, strutting around clucking his little heart out - it may help. Humor is the only way through this - that or drugs!
I watched a bunch of videos on the subject and read some articles. What I learned is that the combination of THC, Turmeric, and the active ingredient in black pepper, when combined, work wonders for calming and stabilizing Alzheimer's symptoms.
I found an oil at the dispensary with these ingredients and started dad on them in April 2021. Prior to that he was having angry outbursts 3-4 times per month, complete with physical abuse upon whoever was present, kids included. After I started him on the oil, these outbursts stopped. As long as he gets his THC oil every day, he is calm and pleasant. If I forgot, he was liable to act out.
He went three days without it when he went to visit my brothers in Sept. They didn't check his only bag for his meds. and he didn't get ANYTHING for 3 days-no supplements, no prescribed meds, no THC oil. On day 3 he had a terrible episode and did unspeakable things to his ex wife. She was his biggest trigger, but for some reason my brothers left him with her. He put his hands on her, and I felt terrible about it. But, as soon as they started taking proper care of him, giving him his meds and oil and regular meals and such, there were no more anger issues.
There have been none since. He gets agitated when his needs aren't met or he can't figure out the remote to the tv, but not aggressive and never mean.
I suggest you try it. Like I said, I use the oil form, but you can try flowers, edibles, or pills. Whichever you can get into his system the easiest.
and get some for yourself, as well. It will help you manage the stress and laugh about it sometimes.
I feel like I am on here telling people to get your loved one high! 😁😆😂 And I guess I am, but it is for the best of reasons, and it works!
Good luck!
Please share with me what you have learned. Greatly appreciated!
(Don’t know why part of this is underlined. Sorry.)
I’m so sorry you’re struggling with your husband’s disease. It’s natural to expect this man to treat you decently and with love, but try to remember that in his mind, you could be some “thug” or annoying person from his past. He doesn’t necessarily understand it’s you on the floor. And then, just to keep you on your toes, the next five minutes (or so) he may remember it’s you again.
There are stages to Alzheimer’s and none are the same. So just when you’re used to one behavior, it will go away and be replaced with another.
There is an Alzheimer’s stage that causes the patient to be very aggressive and that may be what you’re currently seeing. But, please know, it won’t always be this way. He will change.
The best advice I can offer is to consider getting help, first. No one can take care if an Alzheimer’s patient by themselves, as much as you want to. Eventually there will come a time when it’s best for him and for you to get help. This is unhealthy for you both and with others helping, it will give him a sense is structure, which Alzheimer’s patients desperately need and give you self-care, which u
you need!
It’s very helpful to try to remember you are entering HIS world, which is not the same as your world. I’m afraid expecting him to treat you the way he used to, are gone. You may see glimpses of him, but please, to help yourself and him, try to change your perspective because he doesn’t have the ability to. And please get some help.
I wish for you, patience, love and self care too.
Blessings.
#2 Consider getting a telecare or personal alarm service, which can just as logically be for yourself as for your husband. If he falls, you can use it; and if you do, or you do have that emergency, you can.
#3 Look up your local Area Agency on Aging. If your profile is correct and your husband is only 66 you might not have thought in these terms; but the AAAs are often very useful sources of information about practical help and support groups.
Your anger came from stress and overload. Think of it as a pulled emotional muscle, and don't blame yourself for being hurt.
People who haven’t been there just can’t understand. .
Reading this forum just isn’t enough —-Connecting with others going through this will.
Only it’s my 91 year old mom that lives in my home & I am her caregiver. My only sibling( older brother) passed away in 2017. My mom lives in my home with me & my hubby.She has sundowners. So after dark, her behavior changes. She becomes aggressive with me. She will argue with me & will sometimes throw items. She often tells my husband how much she appreciates him & thanks him when he does something. Nothing said to me. Its tough, I take it personally. I know she’s not always aware. Sadly she’s my sole responsibility, I can’t count on anyone. It gets very overwhelming, even with my hubby helping.
My husband reassured me, that she will not remember her behavior or being mean. It’s very tough. Her social worker & mine have also told me that she sees me more as her “maid” than daughter. Soon we are getting her placed into an assisted living facility. It’s the best as she will have care 24/7. Also so I can regain my role as daughter.
Only advice I can suggest “ endure best you can “
Hope you stay healthy and have happiness.
I hope it gives you some comfort knowing others feel your pain, and totally understand. It's harder when you feel that nobody understands.
Actually, in my opinion, I think two things happened when you fell. It irritated you and may have scared him. The tone in your/his voices reflected this more so than anger. It's like trying to hang curtain rods or repairing something that is not working out just right. I get really aggravated and don't want anyone talking to me - I tend to snap back until I get things working like I want them to. I'm not really mad at the person offering advice or help, but it sure sounds that way.
Boy, was he right! It was so mild, it didn’t feel like it changed me at all, but everything was a bit easier. Highly recommend!
care for your husband .
you need to find and pay for the help yourself !!! and although support groups are helpful and friendly they’re not actually going to help with the day to day . Look for paid
caregivers and/or good facility to help you and you’ll be able to continue your relationship as a caring wife instead of an exhausted
abused one who’s jeopardizing her
health …
best luck
best luck
Get help now. Make some kind of plan going forward to ensure your heart and soul.
Saying those words - are the only thing I regret during all the years I cared for him. I know it is hard. I prayed that God would give me patience and understanding and to keep my mouth closed. For your own sanity in to the future, please try not to verbalize the sentiment to your husband.
Many of the entries included the statement, "I don't like her." Here was a place I could put it all down without holding back. My 96 year old mother has lived with me for a year and a half. I have told her on several occasions that she's a Diva. She doesn't argue.
Of course you don't hate your husband, but hate the situation you are faced with and came to a point where your feelings came pouring out. I think we have all been there. I have blown my top at my mother only to receive a bewildering look from her.
I don't know if writing in a journal will help you, but I find it a great relief to be able to "say" everything I'm thinking and feeling, good, bad, and ugly.
God Bless us all who have taken on the task He has given us - serve others.
when I came to he was just standing over me not saying anything just staring blankly. He is also in the early stages of the disease.
later that day I scolded him for not helping me up. “You can’t even get help for me”. He snapped back “At least the ironing board didn’t kick my A-s“