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My sweet wife now resides in Assisted Living. I placed her there this afternoon.


Her condition deteriorated last week. Saturday night was not good. Sunday morning was bad. She is unstable on her feet and has fallen several times. I believe she had a TIA Sunday morning. Can’t prove that just think it from what I observed and read up on. I concluded that I could not safely care for her. 11 years.


So Sunday I began the process by calling AL. Took her to the Doc on Monday. Got a TB test which was negative on Wednesday (takes 2 days) and moved her there right after the test was read. A hospice evaluation is scheduled for tomorrow. They took her in and had a nice room with a wonderful chair in which she went right to sleep. She sleeps most of the time now.


And Me? I’m satisfied. The decision was essentially made for me so I won’t be second guessing myself. And I took it as far as it could be took. I simply could not safely provide the care she now needs. I did not quit because I “couldn’t take anymore” or “didn’t have a life.” No. There was just not anymore I could do.


Strangely enough the tears stopped about mid day. I got thru the enrollment process in good shape.

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its a hard thing to do,, but she'll be better off there.. as long as you keep watch, be there when and as often as you can. you cant do it all anymore and its not in her best interest. had to do this with my mom... and she did good.. new faces, things to do.. and you can get rested and be better for her.
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You did your best. God bless you both in this new chapter of your life.
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I was at the Alzheimer’s conference this week and one of the Dr.s quoted Glen Campbell’s wife who talked about their transition to care as them both “joining a memory community”. I loved that verbiage of expanding your network to include more people who can and will care for you and your wife. I’m glad you feel peace in this transition.
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You didn't do anything wrong you did the right thing. I am a personal caregiver I do in-home personal care and I see this all the time. With families there's just nothing more that they can give. It was time for her to have 24 hour care and be in a safe environment if you could not hire someone to live in your home and watch her.
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Hey Jesse2you - No offense taken. It’s a natural question - don’t beat yourself up. 

In print it might look like a sudden decision but it incorporated many considerations, discussions and experiences over a long time. There’s lots of family, medical people, police, day care staff and friends, neighbors and even one stranger just passing by whose help and support were freely given. Instantly when necessary. 

I did what had to be done.
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If you are concerned that your tears stopped that day, please do not feel bad. As with my husband I lived with him for the 6-7 years that he declined with Alzheimer's also. During that time I experienced losing him every week, little by little. In affect, he was dying little by little since it went so fast. Placing her in a place where she got the care you could not give her was an act of love. She now has others who will care for her better than you did as safely as you could. I am now in a wheelchair and I hesitate to think of the poor care I would have been able to give if he was still alive now. Yes you will think of her still as I do for my husband, but love is doing your best for the one you married years ago. My sympathies to you.
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This is such a difficult and sad time for you both, Your love for her allowed you to get her the skilled care that she needs. Many hugs and prayers being sent your way, 🤗❤️
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You're a true gentleman. I am keeping you and your sweet wife in my prayers. God Bless you.
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Everyone is different and handle so much. Couldn't you fought to keep her home. Could you hire people or perhaps look into aides? Could you got family involved to help out?
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Isthisrealyreal Jul 2019
You are kidding, right? Could you possibly be any more clueless how ignorant your response is?

This man did everything possible to care for his wife and when she needed a village he loved her enough to provide that and you come along with your judgmental snotty attitude and question him.

Couldn't you just learn to shut up?
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My heart both aches, and soars, for you. Your wife is blessed to have such a loving husband, and also one who recognizes what he can do, and be, for her and what he cannot. She will receive the care she needs in AL, and you can be relieved of all you could no longer do or provide for her. Sending hugs for comfort and peace to you both.
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You are very brave to do the right thing. I lost my dear husband on June 22, 2019. He was suffering from advanced stage Alzheimer's and in March of this year was diagnosed with throat cancer. The last few days of his life I could see that I could not care for him if he had lived any longer. My son moved in to help with his care and it was difficult even then. My son and I have injured our backs from lifting and moving him in the bed. My husband passed away before the decision was made to move him into a care facility. Please don't feel quilty. No one knows the feelings you are having unless they walk the mile in your shoes. God bless you.
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Exactly what I hope happens for everyone I love (including me) in their aging process - a decision made with logic and a huge amount of love. Can't get more honorable than that.
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I'm not really well. One of my biggest fears is that my husband or children will kill themselves trying to help me. I'm not so far gone, yet, that I can't do most things for myself but I can see it coming.

I took care of my mom in her last years. At one point, I had to place her in assisting living, then memory care, then a nursing home. Even with that, it took a physical toll on me. She would want you to live. You can still be there for her, but not at the cost of your life.
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Good for you!
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qmnpxl I know how you feel my husband had the same but he cold take no more and passed away last week. Have to have a postmortem and awaiting the results. He looked really peaceful but I am devastated can not believe what has happened I am still in shock
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such a sad time in life of course when your partner is ageing so are you.my hubby and i have agreed to look after the other to the best of our abilities.but if for 1 reason or other if it becomes too difficult to place the other in the best care they can find.
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Gmnpxl
I'm sorry to read that it came to this for you. I'm also happy for you. One can only do what one can do and it appears you reached the finish line.
I'm sure you will visit with your wife everyday possible because she still needs your presence EVEN if she sleeps 24/7.
I go home once a month to visit my Mom, take care of her property, talk with attorneys about her estate etc, I do this because I love her.
She too sleeps 24/7, BUT she has smiled, said I love you sweetie to me each time I've visited the past 2-3 months. I knew she recognized me when she looked up and said 'what the hell are you doing here'? THAT was the happiest 30 seconds of my life in the last year.
God lifted your cross and you're able to breathe now.
For me, my cross was given to me a year ago, but it's one I bear willingly for a woman/Mother who did everything for her children/family/neighbors and strangers. But it's the love of a Mother for me and doing my best to be there for her that makes my cross easier to bear for me.
May your love stay and be stronger, remember the woman you married as well as what it is about her that made you fall in love with her.
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Dear man: You did the right thing. You knew that the living situation could NOT continue as it was. Good job. Prayers to you, sir!
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God bless you. Seems you did all you could while you could. Remember God is with you and with her. He is merciful even in your sadness.
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You have done a beautiful job of loving your wife and caring for her. It is the right decision to make when you are having concerned with her safety. A friend of mine made the same decision about their spouse. Now you get to be her husband again and hold her hand and tell her how much you love her.
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I am going to give statics that most have no idea. In this United States the ratio to care. Is one care giver to 15 Elders. In that 1 also counts any that are not direct care. So a caregiver will most likely have over 30 Elders to care for during a shift. That gives no time to even learn a name much less give a hug a prayer. Not enough know about this. Our systems claim not enough money. Not true Medicare pays 106 a day for a elder in a nursing home. Private pay is outradiass while home tries to compensate for Medicare clients. And even if all were Medicare pay still enough money is available to pay employees properly and change ratio to one care giver to 3 Elders. Our system is broken our Elders are in danger. What will it take for change to come. I do not know other than eduacate all I can do maybe we can stand in Absulte that this will not continue to be accecable. Also assisted living across the United States are all private pay. Attempt that cost at around 6000 a month. Look at records when visiting homes looking for placement. All have to have records on and about abuse neglect unanary Tracy infections are the main resin for oder in birding homes. The Elders are not adequately give fluids changed kept clean. If you are not known as a major member of the Elders team that is covering the lead position in their care you are leaving their lives in hands to fill to care properly even when want is there the help is not. Please I have been in the Elder Care profession for 20 years. As you make your decision on placement go with as much knowledge as possible. Intellect will keep your loved one safer and as we age I really think acceptable to us will change as we learn and go through this process rather with a loved one or as we age. Blesssengs always Cynthia
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Cloudtouch3r Jun 2019
I'm sorry but I have too ask...
Why on earth would you post this a loving husband report about how hes done all he could for his wife but had to move her to a care facility?
Please forgive me if you suffer from dementia. I dont intend to offend. Just trying to understand the need for this response WITH this loving post since this can be a very difficult thing for a loved on to do.
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You sound like a wonderful, nurturing, conscientious man. You did the right thing!
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You have done your best. It is time for professionals to take over. Godspeed.
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ackartist Jul 2019
You miss the point of the lengthy epistle on professional caregivers....private pay is too expensive for most, and the other facilities are understaffed...seriously understaffed and falsify their staffing reports. The gentleman who started this changed made a tough decision and of course we all hope it works out for them. No doubt it will if she can sleep through it! Better if family can do it, but families have been destroyed. Families fall apart because the children are a distance chasing money and everybody has to work. It’s a new world and not altogether good. Elders have been neglected big time.
we were richer because our grandmother lived with us to the end.
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Glad you are voicing this, it was her condition not because of anything else. You are hurting inside, but your brain knows the truth. Stay strong. Sleep sound and know others are thinking and praying for you and your sweet wife.
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I had a similar situation with my mom. She wasn't able to stand and I couldn't lift her up to get her into the wheelchair to get her to the bathroom. She was dead weight. She wasn't eating or drinking water and got dehydrated. She was in the hospital for a few days then they put her in a nursing home. She was only in there for about two months when she passed away. She really didn't have any quality of life. I don't regret anything. I diy best for her. You've done everything you could for your wife. When we can't take care of them anymore then it's best to put them somewhere where they can get professional care.
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Love, hearts and hugs go out to you during this difficult time. Your precious wife may not be able to express it verbally or physically, but she is aware of every single love and kind expression you are showing...no matter how small it may be.

If you are able to, please make sure you actually check and physically see the food she is consuming, if the bathing is adequate and compassionate, if she is cold in the late afternoon, if the clothing they are putting on her is taking care of her needs and the temperature of the room is comfortable for her.

I began to "drop in" at different times when my mom was in 3 different assisted living facilities for 1-3 weeks each time. Each person has different needs and the workers aren't necessarily as equipped as they should be. Check on your state's requirement for the position of care worker in a facility. You might be surprised how little knowledge or experience is necessary. When I discovered this lack of experience, I started checking 2-3 times a day and I'm glad I did. It was a constant exercise in love, but I couldn't sleep comfortable at night if I had not been making those daily checks throughout the day. Others didn't have anyone coming to check on them until the weekend. My heart was heavy for them.

Your wife knows everything you are doing for her as well as your anguish. You can only do what you are capable of doing. If you can check on her daily or bi-weekly, it may give you more peace as well. Blessings to you and your wife.
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Very tough decision, but you made the right one for her safety. I went through the same thing - and sometimes the guilt feelings of not bringing my Mom back home - however, I know it was the right decision as I could not be there every minute with working! Just be sure to visit often at different times of the day to make sure she is properly cared for. It's good that you are enlisting a hospice service. The aides will come to bathe her regularly and provide supplies - and nurses to assist in her medication control. Hospice doesn't mean near death - it is comfort care and they are wonderful people.

Ask a lot of questions - the first hospice we had was not very good, argued with me about doing a simple urine test for a UTI. They refused - Mom was in long term care at the time. I fought with them for four days as Mom was not responding to me (I visited every day) and told them it was either her dementia getting worse or she had a UTI - both very possible! Well, at 2:30 am on that 4th day she fell at the nursing attempting to get up on her own. 2" of stitches across the forehead, skin scraped off her entire left shoulder cap, both knees scraped and broken right hand. I do not know why it took an hour for the nurses to respond when her roommate was yelling for help & turned on her light. The resident across the hall heard the commotion and called the home on the outside line trying nursing station to nursing station until she got someone to answer - which took an hour. I moved her to a different home and enlisted a different hospice. The point of this is to go with your gut instinct and push for what you want done! If neither the nurses or hospice will respond, go to the director - I wish I had. If that doesn't work, move her!

As a side note, if you find your loved one in soiled diapers that had obviously been on for a while, put it in a plastic bag and drop it on the director's desk - this proved to be VERY effective!

Good luck to you sir and may the Lord Bless You!
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OH, you are a saint. Today, in about 2 hours, I am transferring my 89 year old mother to a board and care home because my husband and I could not take it anymore. And yes, we were feeling like we didn't have a life. I feel so so very guilty. I stopped working at age 55, 3 years ago, to take care of her full-time in my home. I hate that I feel like I'm quitting. You are stronger than me...
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jczac44 Jun 2019
You are NOT quitting - you are doing what is best for her and you! I felt the same way, but I just couldn't provide all that Mom needed after over 7 years of caring for her in my home. Mom was 89 when we placed her in a nursing home. Just visit often and get on them if she isn't being properly cared for! Enlist hospice - most are wonderful!

I'm sad to say that there really aren't many good nursing homes. The problem being that there typically isn't enough staff - that's where hospice is invaluable! Visit often (I went daily) and at different times, the people who get visitors often will get attention first. They never know when you are going to show up and they don't want to get yelled at! Take the staff treats - become their friend and they will become yours - and more importantly, your Mom's. Make friends with other residents as well, they will let you know when something isn't going right!

Good luck to you and don't beat yourself up - we all have our breaking point and it's better to realize that for both you and her! I know I did the right thing - and in time, you will know that you did too!

God Bless!
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Well done Sir, you did all you could and more. She is safe and can rest and go into hospice care. Your love shows with your post. Hugs for doing the best for you both for a good long time. 11 years!
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It must have been difficult but you did what was best for both of you. Not everyone is strong enough and your message can be encouragement to someone else.
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