Hi. My mother has resided in a nursing home for 3 months now. It is a very good and highly rated facility, and we her family trust and have confidence in the staff. I and my siblings visit her regularly, at least 2 times a week, often more. My aunt (our mom's sister) seems to think that a family member should be with our mom almost every waking moment, i.e., that a family member should be with her for every meal, and to sit with her to watch TV in the evenings until bedtime. I think this may be excessive and wonder if we may even be annoying the staff. I guess my question is: Can family visits be TOO much?
During the week - he would make progress (as much as he was going to make, he's not the nicest of people to begin with and he treated everyone around him like total crap, but he would at least attempt to do what they were asking to begin with).
The instant we arrived, he would regress. He couldn't do a single thing for himself. Things that he SHOULD have been able to do, and did for himself when we weren't there - he just stopped. We told him were were there to visit - if he needed assistance (to the bathroom for example) he had to push the call button - because we weren't trained to assist him ( we are talking about a 300lb nearly immobile man). He quite literally would be suddenly not be able to reach the button - which was right in front of him. And other similar tasks that were the last shred of independence he had.
Now...every single situation is different. But I do think that family can visit too much, if it prevents the loved one from doing things for themselves, from adjusting to the facility, from doing what they should be doing to continue to progress in any PT or OT, etc.
If family could take care of them round the clock - they wouldn't be in a facility in the first place. Residential care is designed to provide round the clock care for people who can no longer care for themselves. And to ease the load and concerns of the family.
I have heard of people hiring others to sit with their relatives in the hospital 24/7. I personally think this is too much. The staff at the hospital takes care of the patients needs.
He also has very shaky hands and cannot feed himself, Whoever is there for that meal does this for him. We know he is getting a full meal at least once a day. We also help brush his teeth and my brother and i take turns shaving him. He has a fungus on his toenails now, so I have a home made spray I use to treat them and they are looking so much better.
There are other issues that have come up, like sores on his arms and hands, that we would never have known if we did not visit and did not have the cameras in his room. This is what works for us and our dad is very happy to see any of us. Even if he doesn't remember our names, his face lights up. The other residents say he is so lucky to have us and the staff seem to appreciate our visits. We greet and talk to all the residents. This weekend we took a cake, ice cream and balloons for Dads 95th birthday. Many of the residents joined us and my brother sang with his guitar many songs they could sing along with. I love seeing all the residents' smiles and singing. I have a hard time believing any of this is not good for them. So I take 3-4 hour periods of time twice a week to help him. But he did so much for me in my life, I can at least do that. Again, just my opinion.
Mom also needs to begin to rely on the staff to do things for her that she needs help with. When family is there the urge "to do" for her may be getting in the way of what the staff has to do.
The person that is POA for mom can establish a visiting schedule. So that might be allowing visiting between the hours of 10:00 am and 3:00 pm on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Something like that would give mom a break, staff a break and allow them to do what needs to be done in the morning and afternoon and your relatives would be able to have lunch with her a few days a week.
You are OK. If you aren't already doing this now, have you and siblings visit on different days. And it does not have to be for more than an hour. Your Aunt, ignore her. I had one like that. We were never nasty to her but none of the nieces and nephews liked her. We just ignored her. Like said, tell her she can do what she likes.
We get family visits to my LO, who has dementia, and our visitors will ramble on and on about other family members and their travels and their kids and their jobs and their new houses. LO does not remember any of them - not a one. Lots of polite nodding and smiling, but absolutely no connection. But hey, they did their family duty and visited! If only they'd stay home so I could have a nap..... :-(
If your aunt is not causing trouble and being disruptive, the staff should be grateful she is there because it means they can do even less for your mother. Don't worry about them getting annoyed. It's not for your family to make their jobs easier. Nursing homes and memory care facilities these days actually have the audacity and nerve to tell families to HIRE privately paid caregivers to look after their 'loved one' so they really don't have to do any care. This place should be delighted your mother already comes with a full-time caregiver/companion.
Would be extremely unfair to a roommate. (If she has one.)
I once lived in a small town with a small hospital, and the locals always made sure lots of family members were in the room with the sick relative. The noise and traffic and crying and carrying on were a trial and tribulation for the afflicted person's roommate or others in the hospital who wanted to rest or sleep.
Visiting is overrated. It's one of those things that should be kept short and simple, keeping the best interest of the patient in mind.
It's amusing how people, such as your aunt, can make suggestions to others to do things they themselves would never do. When your aunt makes such suggestions, don't engage or try to explain why this would be impossible. Simply say something mundane like "Thank you for your concern" and change the subject.
Visiting twice a week is enough and perhaps more than enough. Are you right down the street or hours away? There are no hard and fast rules, but it is important to keep a regular presence to insure she is receiving good care, which it sounds like you're already doing.
And if she's not willing to do that, then tell her to shut up and mind her own business.
Your mom needs time to herself and also to mingle with the other folks there.
Who in their right mind want to be around their family all the time? Certainly not me!