I’m living with grandad to help care for him. It was previously more companionship but after his heart attack he’s needing personal care. I’m burnt out with this while trying to work full time from home and also being on call to my mum who’s also got heart failure and had a stroke. The in home care company has been useless in organisation and very little support to me as I’m having to chase them up over late visits and general inconsistency. I’m now signed off work and under the mental health crisis team because I can’t cope. Meanwhile grandad is obviously feeling better and trying to do more things but is putting himself in danger of falling and injuring himself. I’m managing to sort out replacing the care company and mum is doing what she can but then ... along comes my aunt (mum’s sister)... 100% narcissist! She’s tried to drive me and mum apart, reckons I do nothing for grandad, says mum isn’t as incapacitated as she makes out and apparently I’m here to get my hands on grandads house and do her out of her inheritance! I’m getting questions about things I organise for grandad like cleaning and gardening as he pays for this. Her and my uncle are talking to grandad without me there (but I get to overhear them!) and playing on his miserly nature so I then have to talk him back into getting the help that we both need. My aunt thinks I can do everything and told my mum that I volunteered to be his carer so I’m stuck with it. You really can’t make this stuff up! She turns up once every two weeks if we’re lucky - uncle mows the lawn (unless it’s raining) and she sits in the lounge with grandad holding court and talking about herself! I have now cut her off - I can’t stop her coming or phoning but I don’t have to see or speak to her. Grandad refuses any respite care at the moment but I’m hoping a new care provider will help me get out of the house more. It’s awful but I’m partly hoping he loses capacity so I can put his POA into effect which would give me and my other aunt a majority vote and I know how to deal with getting the narcissist out of the picture if she’s going to continue trying to withhold his own money and make him miserable. Sorry this is like war and peace - I had to get it out to see if anyone else is experiencing similar things?
Look, I'm all for family feeling, but no one is going to pay for you in your old age. You need first off to secure your own livelihood.
Your being there may actually be preventing Grandad and mum from getting more care. The agency thinks "oh the kid is there, they don't really need us to organize."
Can you step away for a few weeks and manage their care by phone?
Your problem is you are spreading yourself too thin. I would take care of Mom and leave Grandpa to his own children.
If you have POA, then how can Aunt withhold granddads money? Yes, to take over completely you need to have Granddad claimed incompetent to handle his own affairs but he can ask you to help in the interim. Your Aunt should have nothing to do with his money if granddad is competent.
If Granddad is competent, take him back to the lawyer and have his POA made immediate. This now puts you in charge of his finances. If Aunt is on any of Dads accounts he can have her taken off or you if POA is immediate.