I do have experience working for a memory care facility as a caretaker. His health is not deteriorated to the point of nursing only. His cousin has POA and is practical and a lawyer in another state but not always sympathetic and somewhat emotionally detached as many lawyers can be. She trashed many of his things already and wants to sell everything and close the book. I am capable as I said and can’t stand to see him so miserable. My kids are now grown but it will be 24/7 care so life/health balance has to be considered. My husband is sympathetic too but has to consider our relationship and my mental and physical health. Our daughter could also be available as part time or more depending on finances. It’s a tough decision but it seems like the right thing to do despite current society norms.
There is a reason people are telling you to not do this. Hundreds of people on this board thought they could do it themselves too. Now they are exhausted, broken mentally (and physically) and wish someone had warned them. Consider the following:
-Whatever schedule you have now will be out the window.
-There will be no more dinners out, no vacations. Friends and family will say to call if you need help, but almost none will volunteer to stay with him if you need time out.
-When do you plan to get things like errands and grocery shopping done? He cannot be left alone.
-Can you lift him multiple times a day and night?
- When he worsens, how will you handle the medical needs?
-Are your toilets, bathtubs, etc handicap-ready? Will her bed have safety rails? Are meds stored safely?
-Can you handle multiple toilet visits, butt wiping, diarrhea, bed urine, and getting him undressed/dressed? Multiple times a day/night?
-You may have to lock down your home to prevent wandering. Extra locks and possibly an alarm system to wake you if he leaves the house in the middle of the night.
-Are you able to help with bathing daily?
- If he keeps you up at night, how do you plan to handle work/chores the next day? Same goes for working from home.
- If you get sick or injured, what plan do you have for his care?
- You'll very likely need aides. Are you okay with strangers in the house?
- If you are no longer able to care for him, how will you get her back into a nursing home?
I've said before that people think they can "love their way" through caregiving. That love will be enough to sustain their energy and will. It isn't. Nor is it the same as caring for a baby. Caregivers here loved their elder dearly. They had to place their elder to save both of their lives.
What is guaranteed is that taking this on would upend your life and marriage . Feeling sad for someone’s illness which is only going to get worse is not a reason to ruin your life and marriage as well .
The "right thing to do" tends to destroy lives, my friend. Dementia has a way of doing that, which is why managed care is often the best option for all concerned.
I am glad that your Uncle has a dedicated child, your cousin, who is POA and has placed him. He is crying now to you because you are giving him hope that you can fix this. You cannot and you should not try, and this isn't your concern. This is in the good hands of his own child. Leave this alone, and try to visit, to encourage. When calls go to crying and upset you need to tell him you are sorry but he should call when he is feeling better.
It can be no surprise to you, toomuch, that seniors are not happy in care. In fact, at 82 I assure you that aging isn't a happy circumstance. It is full of losses and trying to deal the best you're able. You are not responsible for happiness, and in fact your taking this on will take you from being a loving niece to being a loathed caregiver with too many rules. Happiness does not that way lie.
Don't try this.
The POA is in charge and you will not be able to care for him long term, your entire life will be turned upside down.
Leave it alone, if need be don't answer the phone when he calls.
It’s one thing to want to implode your life, your marriage and your health on something that doesn’t concern you (you don’t have POA), but then you think you can implode your daughter’s life also on her behalf?
I think you might need some therapy (I say this as someone who believes and has gone to therapy) to figure out where this is all coming from.
Let's say the POA did let you take him into your home.
Will you get paid just as the facility will get paid? (Housing, care, food and all that goes with that. Normally I would say he would be responsible for his share of ALL expenses. 3 people in the house EVERYTHING ..mortgage, insurance all utilities divided in 3)
If any modifications to your house need to be made, ramps, pulling up carpet and redoing floors, wider doorways to accommodate wheelchair, use of transfer equipment equipment can you make the modifications needed?
Can you afford to make the changes that might be needed if not now then in a year maybe more or less.
Who will pay for any caregivers hired? Does he have enough money to allow for the addition of a caregiver a few hours 3 or more days a week?
And what happens in 2 months, 4 months or so and you decide that you can no longer care for him. Will he be Medicaid eligible in Florida and if so how long will it take to place him? Many facilities want at least 2 years of self pay before Medicaid.
Please do not expect or depend on your daughter to help out unless she is going to get paid. And paid the going rate for caregivers in your area.
And he may not be happy in your home either. Are there other family members that "he is calling and crying to daily"?
Have you visited him recently to actually determine
1. How much care he really needs
2. If he is being cared for
3. Still adjusting to his life in a facility.
You’ve considered some very good points, but the reality contains far more misery than you can know. Don’t do this to your family, and don’t do it to yourself!
If you have made the decision to offer your service to care 24/7, then you need the POA approval. Once you receive the approval, you will want a contract (your daughter too since she will be helping) that sets a fair wage, and reimbursement of the living expenses your uncle will incur.
Ultimately it is your decision and you will need to accept the consequences with that decision. Good luck.
Something to seriously think about.
No one ever WANTS to live in a facility, but sometimes that sadly is the best choice for all involved.