Sister hates me. Leaves horrible & damaging voice/text messages, so I do not answer her calls anymore. I only text her brief information. She resembles PTSD, bi-polar & narcissistic personality behavior.
I care for our dad out of state in home hospice as POA while sister lives in the house, doesn't work or pay for any utilities. Our mom passed last year.
She pins the aide against me & both are disrespectful. The aide appears to be good w dad & cares for him but the aide is heavily influenced by my sister. They both share a lot of false accusations about me & because of my sister's hatred for me, it teaches the aide to treat me in a very unprofessional manner and I pay her. I can't do too much with my sister because of her undiagnosed condition, but I am thinking of releasing the aide.
This aide has complained about every other aide and is a bit arrogant and thinks she knows more than the hospice nurse and doctor since she has been there the longest. I know I can't get rid of the aide because she doesn't like me, but sometimes she does resemble a bit of insubordination, but dad responds a bit better with her than the other aides.
Outside of my sister's behavior, I think this aide is the common denominator to confusion and chaos in the home with the other aides and I'm trying hard to be professional but cannot continue tackling this disrespect when I'm paying her. I just know if/when I release her, my sister will be additionally evil to me.
I'm seeking help and suggestions on what to do. My sister's mental condition can be intimidating, but I cannot continue the disrespect of the aide. Do I have cause to release her from being our aide?
No, you do not care for him, she does with the help of aides 24/7 which is a hospice requirement. The no work and utility statement is condescending. You do not do more than she does per your statements.
You know aides are not stupid and pick up on dynamics. The main one in my house knows the POA is a POS and other aides are drawn into the conflict because they bother me instead of the POA.
As POA, you should be looking for a hospice respite facility to give your sister a break. No one should be a POA and not participate in the actual care and push it off on a sibling.
You pay her, or you pay her on your father's behalf with your father's money as his POA? (because this makes a difference to what verbal levers might work on her)
I think your starting point should be your father's best interests. You don't say what his care needs are, exactly; but your profile states that he has age-related decline and dementia (? - how far advanced?). Generally, you don't want to change his routine more than you absolutely have to, and if he does well with this lady you ought to hang on to her if you can.
Moreover, looking at it from your point of view, isn't it a case of "better the devil you know"? Whoever goes to the house to support your father, they're going to be alongside your sister all the time and they're going to hear exactly the same stories that this aide has been influenced by. Only they'll also be new to the family and won't understand your father's needs so well. I'm really not sure you won't be worse off.
By what right, on whose authority, is your sister living rent-free in your father's home? When you say she doesn't work, does she contribute to his day to day care? How long has she been living there?
You mention chaos and confusion in the home - do you mean, misunderstandings about hours of work, job responsibilities?
I'm sorry for all the questions, just trying to get a clearer picture of the fires you're fighting! Hugs of sympathy.
Insubordinate to me, as POA.
Paying using father's savings.
81-year old, diagnosed dementia, arthritis, partial foot amputee, bedridden. Not a high stage of dementia but it varies depending on days.
There have been days when sister doesn't even come upstairs to see dad or if she comes in it is a quick hello and she leaves. Then there are times she may come upstairs but she is not aware of a lot of day-to-day concerns only bc I mandate that we use a group text so everyone is aware of dad's care, which she is part of that text group.
She chose not to work & can be seen as a squatter so it's not that her full-time role is taking care of dad. Everyday, I check in w dad. Unlike one of the comments via Agingcare, I am a caregiver for dad even out of state w his estate and read the aides' logs, etc. Sister is just there bc of her financial choices and does not want to be responsible w bills so is living rent/bills-free. Also we did not want the house to be empty with just my dad & the aides. So sister does have a role.
The aide is just disrespectful some days & I can tell even her texts resemble my sister, so I discern she helps her with the texts bc of my sister's disdain for me.
The aide does seem to care, this is why its difficult to let her go as I do not have a suitable replacement at the moment, but still looking for replacements eventually and if she continues to be disrespectful, I will make the decision to release her. In that state, I am able to release without a reason, but insubordination is a key reason at this stage.
Thanks for your care.
You can get rid of a home health aide under "Your" terms. If you are your dad's POA or representative, you have requirements/standards in which you seek of the aide.
If you are not satisfied, you have every right to get someone else.
Bottom line.
Peacemaker, I know it's not a good time for travel for anyone, but do you ever get to stay for a while on site at your father's home?
You Dad is cared for by your Sis and both your Sis and your Dad enjoy this aid. Were I you I would count this a great blessing.
If truly YOU hired her and pay her, then you can fire this aid any time you want to without any reason at all, other than reasons that violate anti-discrimination laws. Most states are right to hire and right to fire. You need not give a reason for firing, and in fact it is often best not to.
Your sister may be a caregiver for your father? If so she may request payment as well as room and board. If she provides minimal care and is free to come and go with your father being physically and mentally competent to care for himself when she is working, socializing and etc, then room and board is certainly fair enough to have her watch over Dad, as you cannot be there.
It is, imho, a shame that POA was given to the sibling out of state. It makes things so much more difficult as I can attest to as I was half the state away from my bro; it added to the problems of communication, but there was no other sibling at all.
Good luck.